A mother in mourning.

Just like the rest of the world, my mind & heart have been reeling from the events that transpired on Friday.

It was supposed to be a day like any other. And for me it was, until about 1pm when I entered into a patient visit and noticed half way through our conversation what was playing on the television behind me. I tried to act like I hadn't seen the headline running across the bottom of that screen and just move forward with our conversation, but saying that was difficult would be an understatement. So instead I fumbled through the next few minutes and then excused myself. I went out of my patients room into the lobby of the facility where other staff members were glued to the television themselves. It was there that I felt like the world started to crumble down around me. It took everything in me to maintain my composure and not go running home to wrap my arms around Liana and Lukas.

Gratefully & humbly, none of my loved ones were in that school. I didn't experience any of those losses on a deep and personal level. But what I did experience is the same thing millions of other mothers in this world experienced...

Mourning.

For the loss of innocence. Every child gunned down in that building was absolutely innocent and yet, their lives taken. Every child present in that building came face to face with a horror that they should never have had to experience. Their feelings of safety and security robbed of them because of the action of a single person. Every other child in this nation who is old enough to absorb what was on the news that day was also robbed of that sense of security.

(And yes, for the pain and loss of the adults present that day as well. For the teachers, the staff, the policemen and the clergy that were all present to see such horrors. For the staff that selflessly sacrificed their lives for their students and will forever be remembered as heroes.)

For the fact that our world has come to this. I try to remain hopeful that things will get better but with each additional "breaking news" story of this nature, I lose a little bit more of that reserve. It just feels like things continue to get worse and worse in this world of ours. I look at my patients, most of whom are in their 80s and 90s, and think about the world they grew up in and compare it to the world I've grown up in. Even worse, I compare it to the world my children will grow up in. Things have gotten exponentially worse in the past 10 years. Gone are the days in which you could do anything safely. If you can't even send your children off to school safely, or go to church safely, or go to the mall safely, what CAN you do safely? It just breaks my heart that we now live in fear of the constant "what ifs" and that the "worst case scenario" is a part of our every day mentality.

It should be no surprise to anyone reading this that I'm quite the worry-wart. Since becoming a mother, I've often found myself worrying over what lies ahead for my children in their lives. I've even found myself wondering if it's a selfish act by bringing more children into this world when I'm not sure what kind of good the world may hold for them. Will things continue to become more scary for them? What obstacles will they face? What everyday fears will live within their hearts? With the passing of each generation, are we leaving this world a better place than when we entered it?

Call me a debby downer but it just doesn't seem that we are.

I'm not sure of what the answer is that could fix all of this. Do we tighten our gun control laws? Do we establish a better mental health system? Do we stop placing so much stock into the media and allowing them to "sensationalize" these events? I'm not going to jump into any of those debates because like I said, I'm not sure what the answer is.
I do believe that we've lost some sight into the good of the world. Obviously I have.

However, I also believe that if we raise our children in loving homes with strong morals and values, things could get better. I'll be the first to admit that I haven't always been the strongest Christian. But even through my own spiritual doubts and questions, its times like these that lead me back to my spiritual roots. Because I need to believe that there is something good ahead of us if we lead a good life and we teach our children to do the same.

So while I mourn the loss of the lives that were taken on Friday, the loss of innocence, and the probable loss of the world I had hoped my children would grow up in, I'm trying to renew my faith. I'm trying to be a better influence to my children in hopes that it'll make them better than I've ever been myself.

I pray with everything I have that someday, we'll find a better way. That people will stop doing this to each other. I pray that my children will see things turn around in this world and that they won't share the same fears for their children that I share for them. I pray that I can forever shield them from at least some of the pain in this world and when I can't shield them any longer, that God will do it for me. I pray that they will be stronger in their faith than I've been in mine. I pray that God will show me the way in teaching them.

Most of all, I pray that other parents share these same prayers. Maybe if we start to refocus on the good in this world and teach our children to do the same, things could actually change.

If nothing more, it'd be a step in the right direction.

Counting my blessings.

I passed a church sign the other day while driving around for work that read, "Don't count your problems. Count your blessings."

I have a confession.... I've been quite guilty lately of counting the problems in my life and ignoring the blessings.

In my defense, I've had a lot going on. I've been stressed for say, the past year. Not always, but much of the time and for many different reasons. Reasons like:

1. I'm beating a dead horse by saying it again but.... Lukas hasn't been the easiest of babies. He's progressively gotten better every day but he's still quite demanding and he's still not sleeping through the night most nights (only now its thanks to teething). Not that Liana's always a peach either. :)
2. Selling our home. Choosing to build. Living in limbo. The financial and subsequently emotional stress it all causes.
3. Changing jobs. Getting used to a new team and a new "everyday".
4. Adjusting to a new "normal" when it comes to daycare. Having to put my children into the hands of someone other than family for the first time ever. Dealing with the emotional effects it has had on Liana.
5. And most recently, some significant stress within my family which I'm not quite ready to talk about here.

I won't lie, most days for the past year have felt like a battle. Of course there are gleaming moments of glory, like seeing your kids get along and actually play together rather than beat each other up.  But in between those moments there are a dozen other ones where you feel like you're going to pull your hair out.

Moments like:
"Lukas, get out of the trash can!" (He always goes right back.)
"Liana, be nice to your brother!" (Things only change for a moment.)
"No Liana, you may NOT have another drink/snack/movie/whatever." (And yet she keeps asking.)
"Liana, we don't say that word. It's not nice." (Insert complete and utter embarrassment here.)
"Lukas, get out of the toilet!" (One of his favorite spots for mischief.)
"Stop running/jumping in the house!" (It feels like an earthquake in here as they charge through the house.)
"Why are you yelling? I'm not deaf!" (The noise level is deafening. Always.)
"Be gentle with that!" (As they bash one thing into something else. Over and over.)
"Liana, those are Lukas's toys too!" (But she continues to steal them away. And he cries.)
"What are you crying for?!" (Someone always is.)
"I told you to slow down!" (As they lay on the floor, injured and crying.)
"Lukas, I can't hold you right now. Mommy needs just a minute to make dinner/a phone call/clean up/get ready/etc etc etc." (After JUST putting that little 24 lb body down.)
"Liana, don't be sassy!" (Oh the lip on this child. I'm in so much trouble.)
"Liana, you need to listen to me! I said no!" (Selective hearing at age 3. Yep, totally screwed.)
"Why are you WHINING?!?" (Seriously, the whining is never ending. And exhausting.)

And all this in the midst of my other "stressors". One stress piled on top of another, and another, and sometimes another makes for one unhappy Haley.

I've been in a bit of a funk for a while now. Not a my-life-totally-sucks kind of funk but the kind of funk where if things don't go "just right", I would find myself stressed and overwhelmed by everything that had been piled on my plate. And lets face it... most days, everything doesn't go "just right." Life just doesn't seem to work that way. Last week was no exception. Thanksgiving really threw me for a loop this year (not in a good way) and I was just straight up pissy everyday afterwards.

But then I passed that church sign and as I drove by, I couldn't help but feel like it was meant to be there for ME to see. Almost instantly, I felt something shift inside me.

I realized that I was looking at things backwards.

Yes, life is full of problems. Mine is definitely no exception to that rule.

But more importantly, my life is FULL of blessings.

How could I be so selfish as to look at my life and see all the problems but not see through those problems to the blessings?

Hello, reality check. Apparently I needed you. Thanks for finally showing up.

Since then, I feel like much of the weight has been lifted off my chest.

I've been a better mother. One who looks at her children differently. One who knows how big of a miracle they are and that they make my world whole. I soak up their smiles, their laughter, their hugs (we've had a lot of them lately) and the way they feel in my arms or at my side. I want to be better for them.

I've been a better wife. Well, Mike would have to be the true judge of that but I know I'm trying. Because I love him. He's my rock. He puts up with my temper tantrums and still holds me when I finally let myself break down. He's not perfect and neither am I but somehow I think we're still perfect for each other.

I'm trying to take each day as it comes. Sometimes, I have to take each minute as it comes. I'm trying not to let myself get worked up over what might happen tomorrow because then I don't get to experience today.

I'm not naive enough to think that I won't have days where my problems feel like they outweigh my blessings.

But regardless of how I feel in those moments, there's one thing I know for sure....

I've been blessed. So, so blessed. I have two beautiful kids who light up my world and a husband that loves me during even my darkest days.

No amount of frustration or stress can take that away from me unless I let it.

I won't let it.

And I have other blessings, too. Blessings like being able to work part time and still have the life I always hoped for. Loving my job. Being able to build our own home. My family and my friends, who bless me every day in one way or another.

So while I may be a little late this year on my Thanksgiving post, it's for good reason. I may have been feeling a little lost in the chaos of my life but that sign, it was like a compass pointing me back in the right direction.

So this year, in addition to my other blessings, I'm thankful for God sending me a compass just when I needed it and in a way only He could.

Lukas is ONE!

Two weeks ago, my little boy turned one.

Seriously, where does the time go?

I look at him now and can't believe how quickly this past year flew by.

We celebrated by having a smaller party than usual, considering our living space is a bit smaller than usual. Because I'm only a grade "B" mom, we didn't go crazy and we didn't have a theme. It was boyish. It was simple. It was nice. (Aside from almost everyone on the guest list... which was only family... not RSVP'ing and then only half of those invited actually showed up. That was a bit disappointing.)

 Playing before the party and so happy!

 We opened a present before the party even started... he saw those gifts and knew just what to do! There was no stopping him. :)

 His blue & green cupcake tree.

 A change in shirts... someone decided to play in the toilet while mom & dad were distracted! So glad I had my coworker LuAnn make two of these! :)

 Birthday cupcakes...

 Yes, you see blue AND green on his face. He wasn't quite done at one. :)

Liana just loved seeing her brother making such a mess... Mom was just glad he kept his hands out of his hair!

Surprisingly enough, I didn't become as emotional with Lukas's first birthday as I did with Liana's. It's not for a lack of absolute love, but we had a lot of stuff going on that weekend as well. I think my head was just elsewhere. 

This little boy has blessed us so greatly in the past year. While the first few months of his life were a bit rough (I think I've said that a few times now!), these last few months have been wonderful.  

Here's a snapshot of Lukas at ONE!

He walks. And runs. We stopped crawling at 10.5 months and never looked back.

He never stops doing the above. He's the busiest little boy I know. If I turn my back for even a minute, he's guaranteed to be in either the toilet, the trash can, or the dog bowls. It drives me nuts! The only time mama gets a break during the day is naptime... and then she has to contend with Liana. (Oh how I miss the days of enjoying my lunch in solitude and getting some "me" time during the day.)

He's obsessed with his lovey and paci. While I see things going down a dangerous path with the pacifier, for now, it maintains my sanity because otherwise he whines. A lot. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do....

Bedtime is between 7 and 7:30, promptly. Not because we want it to be at that time but because he reaches a certain point in the day and just melts down. And that point comes between 7 and 7:30 like clockwork. Our bedtime routine is simple: diaper changed, jammies on, paci in the mouth, lovey in the arm, kid in the crib. We've tried to get him into a routine of reading books and snuggling for a bit before his head hits the mattress but he just won't have it. Something to work on, I suppose. He sleeps through the night most nights and can go 12-13 hours. When he's teething though, he's usually up at least once for Motrin.

Speaking of teething, poor kid can't catch a break. Last count was 11.... he went from 8 to 11 in one month. He's now working on a few others. I'm guessing that he'll have just about all of his teeth by 18 months at the pace we're moving.

My little man eats like a champ. There isn't anything he won't try. Mike made tilapia one day last week and he even loved that! He eats more than his sister at every meal (usually twice as much if not more) so we often joke that he's going to be bigger than her soon. In reality, I wouldn't be too surprised if that were in fact the case.

At his 12 month checkup, he weighed 22 lbs (35th percentile) and was 31.25 inches (90th percentile) long. He's got a little noggin though as that measures in the 15th percentile. Don't let the number fool you though, he's smart as a whip. His sister also had a small head circumference and she's a freaking genius... not that I'm biased or anything. :)

His favorite words at this point are bye ("byeeee!"), hi ("hyeeee!"), daddy, Liana ("eeaah"), and just recently we caught him saying "yeah". While he has said Mama in the past, it seems that he's mostly forgotten how to use that word unless he's screaming bloody murder.

Lukas is now wearing mostly 18 month clothes, though most pants are still just a tad big around his belly. His shoe size is currently a 5 but we've started buying 6's already because of how quickly he grows out of them.

After noticing some dried blood on his belly button a few different times, we had an ultrasound done last week and it seems he has a herniated umbilical cord. Dr. Maki isn't too concerned as long as things don't start to look worse. We think it becomes irritated when he becomes upset and uses his abdominal muscles to cry. I'm just thankful it doesn't seem to be bad enough to require surgery.

Likes include daily walks in the stroller, bath time, listening to music, testing every limit in the book and talking gibberish to his sister in the car.

Dislikes include being told no, being forced to wait for food (or anything for that matter), getting his diaper changed, watching television, or doing anything that requires sitting still.

Lukas Ryan is one complex little boy which is a vast difference from his sister, who was happy with just about anything. He's got so many different facets to his personality that we're still trying to figure this kid out. I foresee great frustration in my future when it comes to my second-born... after all, he's been the more challenging of the two from the start. But, I also foresee great rewards. I know life will be good because of him and everything he adds to our messy and chaotic life.

Happy first birthday, bugs. I love you.

 

 

It's a happy chaos. Most of the time. :)

Black + White = Gray.

I've been thinking all week about how to write this post. How to word exactly what I have to say and feel.

But there are so many words that I'm sure I won't be able to fit my feelings into one small post... regardless of how small it seems to all of you.

Last year, October was a highly anticipated month. I was so focused on being 36 weeks pregnant when the 1st rolled around that I didn't have the mindset to think about anything else. I was focused on October 27th, the date of our scheduled C-section and the expected birthdate of Lukas. As we got closer and closer to that date, the anticipation just grew and grew. All I could think about was Lukas and finally being able to hold him in my arms.

This year however, October has been an incredibly tough month for me. The minute it rolled around it was like a switch flipped inside this head of mine. I had so many things on my mind... my changing job, the house, the kids, the husband, my daily responsibilities... but one thing was always lingering in the back of it.... the miscarriage.

Two years later and it feels like yesterday.

I guess with all the chaos of last October and the anticipation of Lukas's arrival, I didn't have a chance to give it much thought. I'm paying for it this year.

It's hit me like a ton of bricks all over again. Not in a tearful way, just in a "I can't stop thinking about it" kind of way. I think about the 23rd and what it felt like to wake up that day pregnant and go to bed at the end of the day knowing my baby was dead inside me. I think about those moments in the ER... the moments I spent on the phone with two of my closest friends... the moments of sheer terror and desperation. I think about it all. It seriously plays like a movie in my mind because I remember it all. Every detail.

And for those of you who know me well, you know I'm terrible with details.

I think about the next four days and how my mom and Mike had to take turns taking PTO to stay home with Liana and I. I couldn't be left alone in the event that I started to actually miscarry because an 18 month old needs supervision - supervision I wouldn't be able to give her during that time.

I think about the 28th and how my family came over for lunch. I started feeling poorly as we ate and once everyone (but my mom) had left, I layed down. The cramps came on quickly and strong. At 3:30, I found myself screaming in agony on the toilet begging my mom to call the doctor. I remember thinking, "Am I going to die?" because it hurt that badly. I remember the feeling of everything leaving my body at once and realizing that what was left of my baby was in the toilet water below me. I remember having to put on gloves and pulling the tennis ball sized "mass" out of the toilet for Mike to take to the doctor so that they knew whether everything had come out or not. (It did.) I remember feeling emotionally dead for the rest of the day.

I remember going back to work two days later, walking into hospital rooms and trying to console family members of my patients while thinking to myself, "If only you knew....". I remember going into the hospital bathroom to take pills that would help my uterus contract so that we could be sure everything was out.

So last year, I didn't remember but this year I remember it all. I can't stop remembering. I wish I could.

I think that one of the worst parts of all of this is that the date I actually lost the baby falls just one day after the birth of my newest baby, Lukas Ryan.

Had I realized how much these dates would affect me, I would've scheduled the c-section for a few days later. Or on my actual due date of 11.3.

I feel like on the date which I should be entirely focused on Lukas, my mind is also elsewhere. It feels like he is really getting a raw deal.

The 27th = White. The day I celebrate the birthday of my little boy.
The 28th = Black. The day I mourn the loss of a baby I never got to meet.
Mix the two together and you have a whole lot of gray.

Sure, I try to focus on the celebration. My son means the world to me. I wouldn't give him up for anything. But I'd be a liar if I said my mind didn't shoot elsewhere every once in a while when these dates roll around.

I wonder whether this was the plan. I wonder whether God set this up to give me some reprieve & a cause for celebration in an otherwise hard week. I know one thing: when Mike and I started trying again after the miscarriage, it never once crossed my mind that I could have a baby 364 days after the loss of my last one. Had I known how things would evolve, I probably would have waited another month or two because I hate having these two events so closely tied together.

Then again, it sometimes seems fitting that they're close together because I wouldn't have one without the other.

The fact that this hit me again so hardly this year was unexpected to say the least. It's not that I ever "got over" the miscarriage but it felt like I had moved on from it. I guess this just goes to show that what they say about grief being a rollercoaster is true.... one day you're high, the next you can be low. I know it'll get better and I'm thankful that I'm emotionally healed enough that these thoughts haven't left me in tears.

I also know many people probably read/hear my words about miscarriage and think to themselves, "I just don't get why this was such a big deal. She was only 11 weeks." I'll admit, I often wonder that myself. But all I can say to that is this was a big deal to me. Every woman handles this loss differently..... I know many women who haven't talking openly about their miscarriages and seemed to move forward without ever looking back. I'm not them. I can't do that. And I know full well that there are other women, even some I know, that have experienced much greater losses. My heart aches for them because I know that as hard as this has been for me, it would have been even harder had I been farther along like they were when they lost their babies.

A friend sent this to me the yesterday:

It's a print she found on Etsy and I have to admit, it made me smile. It also almost made me cry but I was too busy getting ready for Lukas's party to cry, so I didn't.

This print, in all it's simplicity, was incredibly reassuring and comforting.

I have Liana & Lukas here on earth to cherish and a baby in heaven that awaits me. While I never got to meet that baby, I know he/she was born into good and safe hands. It's thoughts like that that help me move forward.

Here's to hoping November is a better month.....

And up next... Lukas is one. Stay tuned. :)

The build is on!!!

October 8th, 2012...

We have a hole!

After weeks... errrr, months...  of finalizing certain details and going back and forth with our builder on a few things, we finally have a hole! Thank you Jesus!

Honestly, who would have thought a hole could conjure up so much excitement in this girl?

Looking at that freshly dug hole felt a lot like... well, coming home. Because for almost two months now, with at least five still to go, I've felt like we've been living in limbo. Sure, we have a roof over our head. But this home isn't our home. These walls are bare. We have no pictures up. The furniture we sit on each day and each night isn't our own.

Worse of all, Liana has recently started making comments like, "I miss our old house." Even she knows this house isn't our own. Probably because it's missing one key component... that purple bedroom of hers. :)

That hole is a promise of things still to come. It's just the beginning of something that is going to be wonderful... our home. One that we've poured ourselves into even before the first walls were poured. One that Mike and I intend to raise our children in and retire in.

This is it... no turning back now! So excited!



Love that view!

  

I have no idea what that ditch will be. Such a smart little builder I am. ;)



Our big ol' dirt pile. I bet the neighbors were a bit surprised when they got home today!



Basement :)



Changes upon changes.

"If you're gonna make a change, you're gonna have to operate from a new belief that says life happens not to me, but for me." 

-Tony Robbins-

Change. It often comes when we least expect it.

Almost two weeks ago now, I was sitting in a morning meeting when I received a text from my job share partner, Meg, asking if we could meet up after my meeting. It wasn't like her to text me while I was working because when I'm working, she's not. Even more so, she had never asked me to meet up on such short notice. Both of these things being out of her character, I knew something was up. Throughout the rest of that meeting I couldn't help but wonder what was going on and while I thought I had an idea as to what she would want to meet about (that couldn't wait and needed to be shared in person instead of over the phone), I was quickly surprised by the conversation that unfolded.

Almost two weeks ago now, my work-life as I know it was turned upside down. In five simple words, in less than one minute, everything changed.

"I've decided to leave hospice."

I remember feeling as though time stood still after she said those few simple words. I had to repeat that sentence in my head a few times for it to truly sink in. As I did, the my internal conversation sounded a bit like this:

"Did she just say what I think she said? Did she just say she's leaving me? Yep, that's what she said. She's leaving me. How can she leave me? Wait wait wait... am I sure I heard her right? Is she really leaving? Yes, I heard it right. She's leaving. Well what the hell am I going to do now?"

And while I knew this day would eventually come, I wasn't expecting it so soon. The surprise felt a little like getting hit by a bus... which I have in fact experienced once before. :)

I tried to maintain my composure as we sat in that Biggby. I wasn't terribly successful.

"I'm so happy for you. I'm just so sad for me", I explained. Multiple times. In between the tears and the ugly cries.

I didn't want to make her feel bad. I still don't want to make her feel bad.

I am so happy for her. Seriously.

But for the past two years, we've had this amazing thing, her and I. She's been the icing to my cake. The tootsie to my roll. We're such different people but somehow we've built this incredible working relationship that I'm just so sad to let go of. She's the only person that understands what we do and how we do it well. When I need to debrief, she always picks up the phone even though she's not on the clock. When I need advice on how to handle a situation, she's always there to talk me through it. She helps me stay sane when I feel like I'm about to lose it.

That kind of support has been invaluable to me. She's taught me (almost) everything I know about case management.

For two days, it took everything in me to hold back the tears and to be honest, I wasn't all that successful. My long drive home at the end of each day were filled with them.

And she knew it. She knew this was hard on me without me even having to tell her. And she called to check in.

And listen to me cry... that same ugly cry, nonetheless. :)

The more I thought about it, the more I realized why this was so hard.

SHH has been a part of my life for four years now. And since the day I started, she was there. When I got hired in I was newly pregnant, nauseous and exhausted. While training me I confided this in her before anyone else and as she took me from visit to visit, she let me nap in the car while she drove. She taught me so much and was my go-to girl. Even when I was working weekends, I could call her if I had a tough case come up that I didn't know what to do with. She taught me the ropes about case management... how to balance my time and most importantly, my energy, between patients. Those teachings have been invaluable.

She's been my constant in a constantly changing work world. She's pulled me through some tough stuff, both personally and professionally.  She's always... always... had my back.

Even as she gave her resignation notice, she advocated for me to ensure that I wasn't going to get "screwed over" by her departure. She knew that this could be a good thing for me, even though the growing pains may hurt a little. Or a lot.

I realized last week that of all the things I've experienced while doing hospice work, losing her as my job share partner has been the hardest for each of these reasons.

We were so blessed to have this role together for the past two years. To have such a strong partnership and to have such complete trust in each other while we covered one another's caseloads during our "off" days.

I would've been naive to think that it would be like this forever. Change happens. It's the only constant in this crazy world of ours.

But that doesn't make it any less difficult. While growth is a good thing, it can also be a painful thing... hence the reason they're called "growing pains".

Thankfully, I'm starting to see that this change may be a blessing of it's own because now I'll be covering a territory much closer to home... Wyoming, Jenison, Grandville, Hudsonville. My (minimum) commute of 45 minutes will now be more like 5 minutes. My productivity will increase. I'll be able to chart at home rather than sit in a Meijer parking lot at the end of the day. I'll be able to stop home for lunch instead of buying it on the road.  I'll be closer to my kids in the event that they need me. My 8 hour days should be able to stay at 8 hours rather than somewhere between 10 and 12. And I'll be a better mom and a better wife because of it.

Leaving my "north team" has been a hard decision... one of my hardest work decisions to date, in fact. I'm leaving a team that I genuinely care for and respect both as colleagues and as friends. I'm leaving nurses that I love to work with. But in return, I'm getting time. Time with my kids. Time with Mike. Time for me.

That time is valuable in and of itself. It's one of the few things in life you can't get back.

So while change isn't easy and nothing is certain, I'm thankful for this path I'm on. I just hope that it's as good to me as the last one was. :)

Eleven Months (and one day).

Lukas turned 11 months old yesterday.

How is my baby boy almost one already? Where has this past year gone?

Well, for starters, time flies when you've been sleep deprived and are trying to muster your way through the day, every day. I am incredibly guilty of not soaking every minute of Lukas up over the past few months... we've had a lot going on around here. Though that doesn't make me feel any less guilty about it.

But at eleven months, here's where our little boy stands:

• He's 23 lbs. In comparison, Liana, at age 3.5, weighs 31 lbs. We've got a solid little guy on our hands!
• He's walking! Mike and I watched as he took his first real steps on September 8th and since then, he just keeps getting better and better at it. (Obviously.) He's now walking more than crawling but sometimes when he just wants to get somewhere really fast (like to steal his sisters most adored toy), he'll throw himself down on the floor and get those knees moving. I'm not ready to lose the crawling yet... I just love it too much.
• He FINALLY started sleeping through the night about two weeks ago. Yes, seriously. And even now, it's not consistent. Some weeks are good and we'll get a few nights in a row of STTN but then others aren't so good and we'll get our wake-up call around 3 am or 5 am. Teething never helps any.
• The kid eats like there's no tomorrow. He now eats just about everything we eat. Meat, cooked veggies, all kinds of fruit, eggs, fruit bars, pizza, and his absolute favorite, turkey/hot dogs. We can't get the food in front enough fast enough and he literally shovels it into his mouth. He has now mastered the art of a sippy cup and likes water and loves real milk. I gave him milk for the first time about a week ago and while chugging it down he looked at me like, "What?! You've been keeping this deliciousness from me all this time?! How could you mama?!" He gets three square meals a day and maybe a snack or two in the middle. I'm pretty confident that this is the reason he's finally STTN. I also find it sad that my 11 month old probably eats more in one meal than my 3.5 year old eats all day. Hmmmm... maybe that's why she's so stinking skinny?! (Side note... I came home yesterday to find her in a pair of her brother's 12 month pants. No joke.)
• He LOVES the water. The kids have been getting pretty messy around here lately and as I'm a little freakish about putting clean kids into clean beds at night, bathtime has become a daily thing. The very moment I start running the water for their bath, Lukas is right there and doing everything he can to get into the tub. Once he's in, he loves to splash and chew on his tub toys and I think he'd stay in there for an hour if I let him. I've found that if I take Liana out of the bath first, the tantrum that ensues is minimal compared to the one when he comes out first.
• He LOVES being outside. Going for a walk is calming to him and the one thing that makes him happy when it seems like nothing else will. I've also noticed that he just likes to soak the surroundings in... checking out the movement of things (cars, trees, birds, people, etc) and I think the fresh air makes him happier. If he's in our arms while we go to the door to let the dogs out but we don't go outside ourselves, he makes it known that this is quite displeasing to him. And if we're outside and he's not ready to come in, we again are reminded of that unhappiness. Thankfully, my dad (who we're currently living across the street from) loves to sit outside with Lukas and take him for lots of walks. I'm just not so sure how this will all play out once winter rolls around....
• He gets pushed around (literally) by his sister. A lot. This makes for a sad baby and a sad mama. His cry is different when Liana is mean to him and I am just waiting for the day when he starts retaliating against her. I'm pretty sure Mike and I are going to have our hands full with these two so who needs a third?! ;)
• He's curious and constantly getting into trouble. The cabinets here aren't baby proofed yet... I had hoped I wouldn't need to but I caved and bought latches this week... and I have to clear the tupperware from my floor at least once a day. He loves going after the dog bowls or trying to escape through the "doggie door" to the back yard. Changing his diaper tests your core strength as you have to PIN him down to get one on him. Nothing is safe when Lukas is around. Nothing.
• His first word has been "mama" and now he's working on perfecting "daddy". We're also pretty sure that he's been saying "iana". He can wave bye-bye and also verbalizes "uh oh".
• I have yet to be blessed with a snuggly baby. Guess he's just too busy to cozy up to his mama (unless she has a bottle in her hand). ::Sigh::
• At eleven months, he's now wearing a size 5 toddler shoe and 18 month clothing.
• We're up to TEN teeth now! After a runny nose this week and lots of fussing, I knew something was making its way through those gums of his... come to find out, he's got two of his molars halfway through already! Just like his sister, I predict all of those baby teeth will be in by his second birthday if not well before then.
• Bedtime is between 7 & 8p and he wakes between 7 & 8 am. We're down to one nap a day most days, usually beginning anywhere between 11 and 12 and lasting 2 hours (longer if I can keep things REALLY quiet around the house).

I have to say, Lukas lights up my world. He definitely hasn't been the easiest baby... he's temperamental, impatient, and needy... but this kid owns my heart. I absolutely adore him and I love being his mama. While I always wanted all girls and never wanted any boys, now that he's here I just can't imagine my life without him in it. He brings more adventure to my life, more fullness and there's just something different about having a girl and having a boy. I love my children equally but I also love them differently. I can't explain why or how but it's the truth. I guess I just love that they each bring different traits to the table every day.

Eleven months are behind us as a family of four. I can't believe that in 29 days, my baby boy will be ONE.

Happy almost-birthday, little man. You rock our world in so many different ways and we love you for each and every one of them. :)



10.25.12



Where does the time go?

I know, I know.... I'm a bad little blogger.

Honestly, I don't know how mothers of multiple children find the time to keep these things up. When it was just Liana I was able to write during naptime or after bedtime. But since Lukas has come along, I don't get much down time during the day (let alone an hour, which is what it usually takes me to get my thoughts out!) and by the end of it, I'm too exhausted to think. But yet, I don't want to give this up. It's one of my many ways of keeping track of all the places this life has taken us as a family and there's great value in that.

This past week has been an emotional one for me. One full of confusion and regret. Because I realized this week that the past year seems to have slipped by me. In the chaos of this crazy life of ours, I feel like I've failed to "take it all in". My guilt especially plagues me when it comes to Lukas but even with Liana a bit too.

I was always told that things are drastically different with your second child but oh how I underestimated that. I realized this week that I haven't taken pictures or videos of Lukas like I took with Liana. I've missed moments that I can't get back. Granted, I succeeded at getting the "biggies" such as him rolling over, starting solids, crawling and then walking. But for every moment I've caught, there are a hundred I didn't. Now I know I shouldn't place too much guilt on myself because realistically, I can't capture everything. But I just don't feel like I've done enough for him. I wonder if I'm going to look back some day and wonder what else I missed. And because I've been so caught up in the chaos of our day-to-day, I know that even more importantly I've forgotten to soak it up. Those moments where he just wants his mommy. Watching him play with his sister. Watching him discover new things in this great big world that he's never known before.

I think it bothers me even more because at this point, we plan on Lukas being our last. And here I was, lost in it all.

With regards to Liana, I have these moments where I look at her and become a little broken-hearted over the fact that my "baby girl" isn't a baby anymore. How did we get to three and a half so quickly? How did we get to having an imagination and abstract thoughts and feelings? How did we get to the point where she's such a little girl?

I just feel like their childhood is just slipping away. And I'm desperate to hold onto it.

While I had been feeling guilty like this for a while, it came crashing home this week during one of my visits. In that visit, I listened to the husband of my patient mourn over how he "just needs more time" as it "just gets away from you."

I just don't want it to get away from me. I wish I could slow things down. Completely absorb every single minute of every single day. I look at my kids and wish I could pause that moment in time and place it in a box to keep so that I can look back on it later and re-experience that exact moment, that exact detail of what they were like.

Again....I just don't want it to get away from me.

Usually, work is a release for me. Its my chance to get out of the house and be an adult. But last week, it wasn't. I resented being at work because all I really wanted to do was be at home with my kids. To make matters worse, it wasn't a good week anyways. Long days make for a tired mama who desperate as she tries, can't seem to keep things together.

I wish I knew the remedy for this but unfortunately, I know there isn't one. Time continues to pass and my children continue to grow. I know that one day all too soon, I'll be watching my children as they care for their children.

With all of these emotions taking over, I am making an effort to be more present when I'm with my kids. I want to be the mom they deserve. And I want to live without regrets of what I "should have" done. I want to capture the memories we make... through blogging, through video, through pictures. Because after the time has passed, I want to be able to look back and remember so vividly what this time in my life was like. What they were like whether it be at one, two, five or ten.

So here I am, hoping to be better. Mom's often sacrifice their own needs for that of their family's and I admit, I'm a guilty party. I do feel confident in saying, though, that this act of selfishness isn't just going to benefit me but should benefit the rest of my family as well. :)

Nine Months!

Oh sweet child of mine.

I'm not sure I can even put into words just how much my heart is filled with love for you.

I wasn't sure I could love anyone else as much as I loved your sister, but I sure wanted to try.

And now here you are, nine months later, and I can honestly say I do.

You've brought us so much joy. And at times, so much frustration. :)

To say you are "spirited" would be an understatement. You are fierce in everything you do. When you smile, you radiate your happiness. When you're unhappy, everyone within fifty feet of you knows it. There's no "mediocre" about you because when you set your mind to something, you do it full out, right then and there.

Some examples? Going from sitting to army crawling to crawling to cruising in two months. With the last three happening in just the month of July. You squeal with joy while watching your sister or exploring new things and scream with anger when you're not getting your way.

Your temper.... that's a trait inherited from your mother. Not something I'm proud of.

Six pearly whites now live in that smile of yours and they're perfectly gapped. Each time you smile, I laugh a little as you resemble Buckwheat in The Little Rascals.

In the past month, you've FINALLY started sleeping through the night (praise God!) and I think that has a lot to do with the fact that you're eating three meals a day and the fact that you're so busy.Your appetite is impressive.... while your sister is incredibly picky, you love just about everything we put in front of you. This week we've given you some "real" food including Mac & Cheese, watermelon, blueberries, grapes, peas, green beans and carrots. You're now in size 12 month clothes and I've had to pack away your 9 month stuff just this past week. My little boy isn't so little anymore!!

It is so much fun for your daddy and I to watch you explore your environment and learn new things. You're more curious than your sister ever was.... We never really needed our baby-proofed house with Liana but with you, we're having to go the extra mile. You open drawers, try to get into cabinets, and your personal favorites have been opening the doors on the fireplace and trying to get to the dog food bowls before I can! I now fully believe that a difference exists between girls and boys as I see "all boy" in everything you do. Nana and I constantly joke about the definition of boy being "noise covered in dirt" and I have to say, that fits you perfectly!

Bedtime still comes promptly between 7 and 7:30 because when you hit your wall, you hit it fast and hard. Mom and Dad are always quite thankful for this time of the day as it means a little less responsibility and a little more relaxation for us. :)

The water is probably your favorite place to be. The morning is your favorite time of day. Peas are still your favorite food. Your sister is your favorite person despite the fact that she bosses you around relentlessly and takes toys away from you constantly. (Trust me kid, I'm doing what I can on this front.)

Just as I felt with Liana, I have to admit that we've hit the "it just keeps getting better and better" portion of babyhood. I love this age. Nine months is full of adventures, most of which have been good.

My heart is filled for you, Lukas Ryan. Happy Nine Months baby boy, I love you!

(Even when you decide to pull an all-nighter to celebrate said 9 month birthday. Take notice of the timestamp for proof. Oh child, I have a feeling life with you will never be dull!)

Changes.

I find that every once in a while, I go through a major dry spell when it comes to this blog for one reason or another. I get to the point where I question whether I should just shut the blog down completely but then eventually come to my senses again. So what if I don't post regularly? My life is busy and chaotic most of the time. The days are long (sometimes too long!) and the nights are short (always too short!). But I always come back and that's what counts, right? I haven't given up just yet. :)

So, life has been a bit nuts around here lately. Here's a bit of self-disclosure... I've been taking Zoloft since I went back to work after Lukas was born and now more than ever, I'm thankful for my anti-depressant! It's kept me level-headed during times that I know I would've otherwise lost my cool. I tend to be a bit of an emotional train wreck when I'm stressed and so far, I've kept myself on the tracks. Thanks Zoloft!! ;)

So why has our life been such chaos? Three reasons:
1. We sold our house, two weeks after putting it on the market. We close on Monday the 30th and have to be out by Saturday, Aug 4th. Lots of packing has been going on over here in our neck of the woods.
2. While we looked at many houses, nothing felt "right". So, we've decided to build. This was a decision that was incredibly stressful and anxiety-provoking for both Mike and I.
3. As if these alone weren't stressful enough, I also have to find a new daycare provider for the kids for the days in which my dad would've watched them. It just got to be too much for him and for that, I can't blame him.

So, where's my head been? Well, in a lot of different places. The day we listed our house on the market, I walked from room to room and just tried to take it all in. Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at each wall in this house and remembered all the work we put into making each and every one our own. The kids bedrooms have been especially hard for me to let go of.... I poured my heart and soul into Liana's "purple bedroom" and Lukas's nursery. I knew we wouldn't be here forever but I had no idea we'd be leaving this soon. My brain tells me it's for the best but my heart is having a hard time accepting that in just a few short days, this won't be our home anymore. Even as I pack, I feel a bit numb as to what exactly I'm doing. It's a feeling I'm uncomfortable with because my gut tells me that the ice I'm standing on is getting thinner and thinner and soon enough, I'm more than likely going to fall through.

On the flip side, I'm excited about the next step we're taking. Building a house is going to be an adventure - at least that's what I keep telling myself. I'm thrilled with the idea of making this house our own from the get-go and having things how I want them, down to the very last detail. While I've had some reservations about the lakefront lot we chose (only because of the safety risks it poses for the kids), I'm ready to embrace it. I can't wait to wake up each morning or sit at the dinner table each night and look out behind our house to see nothing but water. I think about all the memories that will be made in that new house and in those waters and I'm left with feelings of pure anticipation. In addition, I feel good about sending the kids to Hudsonville schools (which I've heard nothing but good things about) and about still being so close to everything. I honestly think we'll be incredibly happy living at 2334 Edson. :)

My thoughts these last few weeks have also been wrapped up a lot in Liana. By far, this transition is going to be the hardest on her. She's losing the only house she's ever known as her own and her "purple bedroom" that she loves so dearly. We've decided to live in one of my dad's rental homes which coincidentally is just across the street from my parents. While in some aspects this will be nice, I am really worried about how Liana will handle the balance of staying home vs. going to Papa & Nana's house when they live just across the street. I want her to have good boundaries and know that she can't always be at my parents - but that's a tricky message to get across to a three year old. I see her struggling a bit as we pack up our belongings and she takes in the changes that are taking place; she's become more clingy these past two weeks and even more whiney than she usually is. She asks questions like, "Are we taking my bed to Auntie's house?" (because my sister currently is living there until we move in) or "Are we going to go live with Ms. Michelle?" (our realtor... an association she's made bc Michelle was taking us to look at houses before we decided to build). I can sense her confusion in all of this and as hard as we try to help her understand, I don't think she's truly going to get it until we're settled. So in the mean time, I worry and succumb to the mommy guilt that plagues me.

For obvious reasons, I'm not so worried about Lukas. Sure, I expect some hiccups... after all, this kid is extremely sensitive to his routine and his environment. But I think that after a few days/weeks, he'll find his groove again.

This weekend, we move most of our furniture into storage. (We'll be using my sister's furniture for the time being.) As things get packed away and transferred to wherever their temporary home may be, this house feels less and less like my home, which I anticipate is going to make our final moving day a bit easier. At least I hope that's the case.

There's more to be updated... but for tonight, I call it quits. Back to the chaos!! :)

Bittersweet. (A long overdue update.)

There's a lot going on in our household these days....

Lukas is now seven and a half months old. He's definitely all boy and never slows down but I can honestly say we're soaking him up. We may have had a rough "go" of things for his first few months of life but over the past two months, things have been remarkably better. (Granted, he's still not sleeping through the night, but we've just succumbed to that.) He's a boy on the move and he does something new everyday. His hair has finally filled in and I can say that he's officially a "toehead".... maybe even moreso than his sister is! We have four teeth in place but unfortunately he looks a little like Dracula as his top I-teeth decided to come in before his top middle teeth. I'd say he's a sight for sore eyes when he smiles but really, we just get a kick out of how goofy he looks with this arrangement right now. :)

Liana is three and sassy as ever. There have been a few days where her and I have just battled it out all day long. She's bossy, rude at times, and full of attitude. While the struggle has just begun, the moments that make it all worth it look something like, "Mommy, I love you. You're my best friend." (All the while wrapping her sweet little arms around me.)

But our biggest news is this... we've decided to put our house on the market.

Mike and I have been discussing this for some time now. I love our house, I love our neighbors, I love the area that we live in. But this house doesn't offer us everything we need and in some ways, it offers too much. As of June 8th, we've been in this house for four years. When we bought it, having a family still seemed so far away but we wanted to be prepared for what was to come. We bought this house with the idea that we would never have to move out as it had more than enough room for us and whatever our family would end up looking like. Before we knew it though, we found out we were pregnant with Liana. Three years later we're faced with the reality that we live in a school district that has some downfalls. Now granted, I'm sure all districts do, but this one has some pretty particular ones that leave us feeling uneasy. While we battled with the idea of doing school of choice (as most of our neighbors have done), we ultimately decided that it was time to do something different. Our decision was made easier by the fact that like I said, this house isn't exactly what we want/need it to be.

So as of Tuesday, our house is up for sale and reality is setting in.

I woke up Tuesday feeling pretty sad & incredibly nostalgic. I walked from room to room, snapping pictures and looking at the home we've created here. I couldn't help but think about the fact that this is the home we brought both of our babies home to. This is the home we painted every square inch of to make it our own. This is the home Mike and I grew in as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. This is the home we poured ourselves (and our money!) into for the past four years.

Over the past few days, I've constantly questioned whether we're doing the right thing. But then I think about the possibilities that lie ahead.... a neighborhood that includes kids Liana & Lukas's age that they can play with. A new home that is just what we need. Being just a bit closer to our families again. Not having to worry about whether the kids are getting the education & experiences they need.

These things excite me. They give me hope for something just a little bit better than we already have.

Once again, our goal is to make this next move our last. We know what we need & want in a house and we know what we want to avoid. We're going into it with a wealth of knowledge we didn't have when we bought this house as it has taught us so many (maybe too many!) lessons on home ownership. We're leaning towards buying new construction or if we have to, building ourselves. The biggest reason that we're hoping to go this route is because we're looking to avoid any more surprises and we want to "know" what we're getting. We've both found a floor plan we love but so far, no homes for sale that go along with it.

For a person who's typically anxious about everything, this has brought me to a new level of feeling unsettled. We're not sure what we'll do if our house sells quickly and we don't have something else lined up. We may move in with my sister or we may decide to rent. I just keep trying to have faith that this will all work out just as it's supposed to. God's plans are usually much, much bigger and greater than mine after all.

Whenever this home sells, I know I'll be overcome with emotion. I know I'll have doubts and I'll continue to question whether we did the right thing. It will be one of the most bittersweet times of my life. However, I keep reminiding myself to "keep my eyes on the prize" and hope that whatever comes next is just as wonderful.... if not better.

The "other" side of motherhood.

So I realized a few weeks back that most of my posts reflect how wonderful and rewarding motherhood can be. Granted, motherhood is wonderful and rewarding and there's never been a moment where I've had regrets about jumping into this "life sentence".  But, motherhood is more than just these things.... it's hard. It's exhausting. And at times, it makes you want to rip your hair out.

So to keep things real, a post on the "other" side of all things wonderful. Enjoy. :)

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Motherhood is:

Letting go of the body you used to nitpick but now long for. With a new baby comes stretch marks, flabby skin, a less perky chest and the risk that if you laugh too hard or wait too long, you might just pee a little in your pants.

Exhaustion like you've never imagined. Before Lukas came along, I used to look back on how Liana slept as a baby (up once a night, every night, until she was 10 months old) and say, "Oh, that wasn't really so bad. I could do it again." And while I thought I was tired then, it pales in comparison to my second go-around. Being up 2-3 times a night, every night (if not more!), is debilitating. Your mind becomes foggy. Your body gets mad at you. You dread the nighttime hours but day after day, they come back much to your dismay. Sure, you muster through but not without a little bit of resentment. Every time I hear the faint squeals through the monitor that alert me to the fact that one of our kids is no longer sleeping, I curse quietly into my pillow. I long for the day when I'm able to sleep 8 hours again without being woken up. My guess is, that may not happen for another 16 years or so.

The reality that your needs now come dead last. My kids are dressed to the nines while I wear the same shirts week after week that I've owned for the past three years. My headache doesn't trump their need for lunch just as my desperate need for a nap doesn't trump their desire to play. There are nights that I would kill to just cuddle up on the couch and lose myself in whatever is on tv but instead, I'm cooking, cleaning, and taking care of my family. On the occasion that I get some "me" time, I still have a laundry list of "to-do's" that scream for my attention. And yes, there are days when a shower doesn't happen until 3:30pm... but yet my kids are clean and dressed. Go figure.

Having three "sets" of clothing.... one that's non/pre-pregnancy, one that's maternity, and one that's post-pregnancy. My husband yells at me because I have three times as much clothing as he does but he doesn't understand that I can only wear a third of it at a time.

Losing every ounce of privacy you ever had. Showers often include little heads poking in to see whats actually happening behind that curtain and going to the bathroom becomes a spectator sport. I'm not sure why my child is so fascinated by what goes in the toilet, but she is.

Knowing that your heart is walking around outside of your body, every single moment of every single day, and subject to all kinds of harm. From the moment Liana was born, I've become keenly aware of all the "what if's" life has to offer. What if one of them gets kidnapped? What if one of them gets cancer? What if my baby isn't healthy? What if I don't make the right choice for them? It's an overwhelming responsibility at times that I am responsible for this child's life and everything that can/will/might happen to them. That I am responsible for making them into a good, caring, kind person. That I need to teach them so many important lessons about life and I often have no idea where to start or how to do that.

Loving someone so much that you open yourself up for a pain and fear you never expected. The mere thought of something happening to one of my children brings me to my knees. Every time I pray, I pray that they are kept safe and healthy. I can't imagine what might happen to me if something happened to one of them.... their existence leaves me feeling vulnerable and out of control. It's terrifying.

Rampant with feelings of guilt. Most of us refer to this as "mommy guilt". The minute I do anything for myself, I feel guilty. If I go somewhere without them, my mind becomes cluttered with thoughts such as "I wonder if they're okay? Do they miss me? Are they wondering where I went and why I left them?" And God forbid I actually enjoy this time to myself because when I do, the mommy guilt just becomes stronger. It's a never-ending cycle and brutal beyond all expectations. As a result, only other mommies can truly relate to this phenomenon.

Pressure. Lots and lots of pressure. From feeding them the "right" food to getting on a "good" schedule to teaching them how to be nice to others, I'm held accountable for their experiences in life. Moms tend to compare themselves and how they do things to other moms and only a well-seasoned mom has learned the ineffectiveness of this. I have yet to become "well seasoned".

Getting down and dirty. I've been peed on, pooped on, and puked on more times than I can count. I've also been hit, kicked, and sassed. I'm still waiting for the day when someone says, "Mean mommy!" or the dreaded, "I hate you!". So much to look forward to right?!

Losing all sense of a social life and for the most part, being okay with that. (FYI....Not all mom's experience this one.) Mommy guilt plagues me just as much as exhaustion does, so if given the choice of going out with friends or staying home with my kids and going to bed at 10, I'll almost always choose the latter. My friendships have changed drastically since becoming a mom. The kind of outings I look forward to now include hanging out with friends who also have kids and going places as a family. I'm no longer able to make plans on a whim and go out at the drop of a hat. As a result, my phone rings a LOT less often (ie... never) than it once did.  I feel terribly out of place when in a room full of other non-parents as my everyday life is so incredibly different than theirs. I feel like they think of me as "dull and boring" (which I probably am) and as a result, we have a hard time relating like we once could. 

Full of trials and necessary patience. A sassy three year old really wears a mama down, just as a teething five month old does. When I'm putting Liana back in her bed for the 4th time in a row and I just want to scream "For God's sake, go to sleep!", I am forced to bite my lip and keep it cool. When your baby starts crying and you're only halfway through your shopping trip, it's time to figure out how to buy yourself 30 more minutes or just pack it up and go.

Decisions that are no longer made for yourself, but made for your kids. This is how I ended up driving a mini van when I once swore I never would. And why my life virtually stops between the hours of 12p-3p (naptime) and 7p-8a (bedtime).

About watching your marriage transform. In some ways, this transformation is wonderful (if you're lucky enough to have a supportive spouse who loves/adores your children... thankfully I do). In other ways, it's not so wonderful. You disagree over little things, like when your kids should take their daily nap; to bigger things, like whether or not to punish them when they misbehave (and how to do so). Children place stress on a marriage and you often lose sight of the couple you once were. Your days are now rushed and hurried, trying to keep all of the balls life has handed you up in the air, and it often feels like you're two ships passing in the night. The reality is that life is no longer centered around the two of you... it's now centered around your kids. Meeting their needs before your own. Once a baby comes into the picture, your priorities change and suddenly your marriage looks drastically different than it once did.

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All in all, motherhood is wonderful and rewarding but it is also full of sacrifices. It changes every part of your existence... some for the better, some for the worse. Your life is no longer about you, it's about your children. There's no longer any room for selfishness because someone else is depending on you for their every need.

The day I became a mother, I lost a lot of who I once was and while that hasn't always been easy, I have to say that I'm happy with who I've become. Motherhood is hard, no questions about it. In fact, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. But it's been worth every single tear and every single struggle and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

5 months.

Lukas turned 5 months old today. It's amazing how quickly the time passes you by.

I keep remembering back to when Liana was this age. Back then, it felt like my time with her crept by. Now, I can't believe my little boy is almost half a year old already and it feels like if time doesn't slow down (which we all know won't happen), my baby will be a toddler in the blink of an eye.

I think I'm especially aware of how fleeting these moments are with Lukas because Mike and I don't think we'll be having any more kids. We feel like our family is balanced how it is and while I always thought I'd want three, I'm finding that I'm more than content with the two that I have. Plus, there's a lot of benefits to sticking with two.... including a foreseeable end to sleepless nights, no more pregnancy discomforts, no more teething or reflux and many other reasons. :)

Having come to this conclusion, I'm trying to soak up every ounce of babyhood I can with Lukas. I do things like take notice of how it feels to pick up his tiny body and carry it around on my hip. How it feels to have him lay his head against my chest or my shoulder. How he fits against me just right while I'm feeding him. I'm not as eager to let him grow up as I was with Liana... hence the reason we still haven't started him on any solids yet and I've barely started practicing new skills (like sitting up) with him. The way I figure it, the longer he can stay a baby, the longer I'll be able to have one. It may be selfish but I'm in no rush for this time of my life to pass me by.

Lukas is still waking up at least twice every night and while this was weighing on me for a while around 4 months, I've decided that I'm not ready to "do" anything about it. We tried to let him "cry it out" one night and after two hours of screaming, called it quits. I just couldn't do it, especially knowing that our little boy has had so many tummy issues since birth and I can't just ignore him when he might actually be hurting. So rather than lament over it, I've just accepted it for what it is. Mike and I have decided to "divide and conquer" so we each take one night time feeding. This makes things much easier for me but I know Mike still struggles with the fact that Lukas isn't sleeping through the night yet. We'll get there.... it'll just take some more time.

As of last week, Lukas weighed 16lbs 2oz and was 26 inches long. He's a giant... at least compared to how his sister was at this age! Considering all the feeding issues we've had, I'm impressed the kid has grown as well as he has. We found out two weeks ago that he's lactose intolerant which explains just about all the other issues we've had. Since three weeks old, it's been one digestive issue after another and he was a pretty miserable baby for such a long time. Now we know why. Since finding this out, we've switched formulas (we were supplementing on the days I worked and breastfeeding on the days I didn't) and things have turned around almost completely. In addition, Lukas decided this past weekend that he was no longer interested in breastfeeding and as I was getting ready to wean anyways, I just went with it. While I loved breastfeeding, it just didn't love my baby. He'd spit up twice as much which would make him twice as irritable. My supply was barely enough so it seemed as though he was never full, making it impossible to get him into a good schedule. I already deeply miss it and miss that bond with Lukas but in the grand scheme of things, I'm happier with a happier baby.

Lukas would still prefer to be held and walked most of the time but he's gotten much better about letting us put him down. He loves his exersaucer and we just pulled his jumparoo out of the basement tonight. When I lay him on the floor he loves to roll around and look at everything around the room. While he easily rolls from tummy to back, he still hasn't mastered rolling from back to tummy but we are close. Much like Liana did, he hates tummy time so the minute I lay him on his belly, he either rolls over or screams bloody murder.

During the past two weeks of incredibly warm weather, we quickly found out that Lukas loves to be outdoors. He loves to look around and see all the new and different things that surround him. Mike mowed the lawn for the first time last week (in March!?!?) and Lukas fell asleep in my arms to the sound of it. I see many days of us sitting and playing outside this summer.

He's been on a few overnights to Nana and Papa's house now and while he seems to do fine, I can tell that I am missed while he's gone. It melts my heart to see that smile on his face when he sees me again and I can feel the way he relaxes once he realizes that his mama is back with him. While I sleep so much better when he's away, my arms feel incredibly empty when he's not just in the next room. On the nights that both kids are gone, I find myself not knowing what to do with all the "me" time.

Lukas continues to adore his sister as she continues to adore him. Their bond keeps getting better and better.... she's so sweet and caring towards him that my heart tells me they'll be the best of friends. After all, how could he not love a sister like her?! His eyes follow her as she moves through the room and I can tell he feels a little lost without her when she's not home because the instant she returns, he lights up at the sight of her.

Right now, our primary focus is on trying to figure out some kind of a schedule that works for us and for Lukas. His eating and sleeping is sporatic during the day (and night) to the point that Mike and I still feel like we're constantly guessing as to what he needs/wants. It's frustrating to say the least but I do feel like we're making some progress. He's consistently taking three naps a day - one in the morning, one at 12:30 (when Liana goes down.... mama needs that "me" time!), and one sometime before dinner. He's in bed by 8pm every night and usually wakes for his first feeding around 12:30. I feel like once we get more of a schedule figured out, particularly a feeding schedule, other things will start to fall into place. Life can only get better from there. :)

We still have bad days around here, but now they're much fewer and farther between. For that, I am thankful.

Despite some of the hardships, I'm so madly in love with this little boy of mine. I never saw my life with a little boy in it but now, I can't imagine my life without him. 

The many emotions of Lukas.... This one is my favorite. :)

His getup for his sister's birthday party!