Lukas: Fifteen Months Old.

The fact that my baby boy is 15 months old already is a bit difficult to wrap my mind around.

I know his first birthday was supposed to signify that he was no longer a baby and was now a toddler but I've been having a difficult time wrapping my mind around that as well.

Living in denial is becoming more and more trying though.

Lukas Ryan Kadzban, at 15 months old, seems to have left his baby-hood behind him. I'm pretty sure that at the moment when he transitioned into toddlerhood, whenever that may have actually been, I heard him say the words "eat my dust!" to the days past and the mere thought of being my baby boy anymore.

How dare he. :)

It's not so much that I miss having an actual baby around. (Well, some moments I do.) But with each passing day, I'm again reminded that he's doing to me what his sister before him did.... growing up too fast. I wish for his mom's sake he'd slow down a bit, in more ways than one.

So at 15 months, here's a snapshot of my not-so-baby boy:

This kid is busy. He came out of the womb busy and I'm pretty convinced he's intending to stay this way. Despite my attempts to slow him down a bit, he's just not interested in doing so. Liana used to love watching Baby Einstein videos with me but Lukas could care less about anything on the television. I think I've caught him watching Curious George and Mickey only a handful of times but it never lasts for long. I definitely don't need another "TV Ted" like his sister is, but it would be nice to have him sit with me for 30 minutes a day to snuggle and watch a video that might teach him something... or at least entertain him for a bit! He truly doesn't stop moving - I'm fairly certain that he paces the house and walks more miles a day than the rest of his family put together does.

He has yet to become preferential to any particular toys. However, he does love anything sports related. We have some mini-sticks that he'll play hockey with and he loves to throw balls. For being only 15 months, he has a surprisingly good arm and can already get the ball to its intended target! I often wonder if we have a budding soccer play because he can handle a soccer ball just as well. We took him to the GVSU Alumni Hockey game last night because Mike was playing and he was like a kid in a candy store. For the first ten minutes, he sat on mine and his Grandpa's lap and was just enamored by the action on the ice. In true Lukas fashion, he lost interest after that and instead wanted to run up and down the walking space in front of the bleachers. He also likes things he can push whether it be the toy vacuum, a big truck, or his sister's doll stroller.

Lukas has two comfort items that he cannot live without: his cubby and his paci. While he does have a primary cubby, he's non-discriminatory and will snuggle with other cubbies as well. He loves to snuggle up to Liana's lovey which usually leads to one of my two kids in tears. He has another lovey that a friend gave us and at times I'll catch him running around with that. When I pick him up at the end of the day from daycare, he automatically starts thrashing through the diaper bag in order to find cubby and paci for the ride home. Thankfully, daycare doesn't allow him to have these items during the daytime hours except at naptime. I'm hoping that we'll get rid of his paci's sometime in the next few months as I'm determined to do so by his second birthday. I think once we do he'll actually sleep better at night because he still wakes up and needs help finding them... despite the fact that we throw 3-4 in there to make it easier for him!

Sleeping is a bittersweet topic... he's remarkably easy to put to bed but as I just mentioned, he still wakes up during the night. I've come to accept this and I no longer stress about it because a) there's nothing I can do to change it, other than to let him cry it out, which I know does not work for him and b) I know it won't last forever. But I do think it's comical when other parents complain about their babies not sleeping and here we are 15 months later still getting up with our kid 1-2x every night! He has 16 teeth now and the only other ones he needs are his two year molars. So far it seems as though those are holding off and so Mike and I are both hoping that this sleeping issue will continue to improve.

And while I'm on the subject of teething, I must say that my children are proof that women are the stronger sex when it comes to pain. Liana was barely phased by teething. Lukas, well, he's a different story. :)

Lukas is my "sweet and sassy" boy. Mike and I have referred to Liana as our "Sour Patch Kid" for the past couple years and while that would also be extremely fitting for Lukas, it just wasn't right to use the same moniker twice. Until we come up with a better one, he'll remain "Sweet and Sassy". The kid is so full of love... I had often heard that boys are more affectionate than girls and I can now confirm that it's true. He loves to give hugs and he loves to be held (not still... just held while you're doing something that he wants to watch). He often runs up to us and throws his arms around our legs and buries his head into the space between. Just recently he's learned how to give kisses and while they're a bit wet, they're totally worth the extra slobber. He adores his sister and loves to be a part of whatever it is that she's doing. He's also becoming quite enamored with the dogs and I've caught him sitting next to Bauer and petting him.

On the sassy side of things, this kid does an A+ job of driving his mother mad sometimes! He is such a troublemaker and always getting into something he shouldn't be. Even worse, he knows it and still chooses to do it! He continues to love the trash can and the dishwasher, much to my chagrin. He's learned how to unlock and open the dishwasher and then proceeds to use it as a stepstool. (Yes, I'm terrified he's going to break it.) He's been better about the dog bowls but every now and again, I'll catch him with a morsel of dog food in his mouth. (I no longer take it out either because I'm a Grade A mom like that.) He loves to throw food on the floor once he's done eating, in addition to whatever else is on his tray. (We've lost two dishes this month because of it.) He doesn't like to listen and when I ask him to come to me, he looks at me with that naughty little grin and runs the other way instead. Finally, he's kind of an emotional basketcase at times... he cries, a lot. Over the big things and over the smallest of things. He cries most often when he's not getting his way and he's feeling angry or frustrated.

I'm absolutely certain that I'm going to have my work cut out for me with this kid and while he tests my patience over and over again, he makes up for it the minute he turns into the sweet little boy that I adore.

Lukas's apetite hasn't changed much in recent months and he is still eating us out of house and home. He eats far more than his sister does on any given day and often times, more than his mom does too! He eats just about anything we put in front of him. I really hopes that this continues and that I don't have TWO picky eaters on my hands!

In the past month, our little guy has battled pink eye, the stomach flu and multiple colds. One of the many "benefits" of daycare, wouldn't you say? We're ready to start feeling better around here and stop going through a box of tissues every few days.

Language has been a slow progression with Lukas. He started talking before his first birthday but then his words disappeared for a while. He's now trying to say more things and it's so exciting to hear him put his sounds together! His favorite word right now is "daddy" and he says it often but only when Mike is actually around. I've also caught him saying either "Lovey" or "Cubby" in the past week. "Uh oh" is a common one and he uses this when he's done something mischievous and naughty.

Lukas continues to do great at daycare. Since moving into the toddler room at the beginning of January, he's struggled a bit with getting new teachers and now cries some mornings when we drop him off. But as the time goes by, it has gotten better. He loves to play with the other kids and be in an environment where he's socially, emotionally, and physically challenged to do things he wouldn't necessarily do at home. Both he and Liana are there every Tues & Thursday.

His favorite song right now is the "Ooo eee ooo aaah aaah" (teeng tang walla walla bing bang) song. Grandpa taught him this one and he sings it all the time. He only knows the first part though and he'll sing it with the intention of you mimicking him. When you do, his smile lights up the room. It's awesome. :)

And finally, the basics: Bedtime is between 7 and 8pm. Naptime is between noon and 1pm. Some mornings he wakes up early and some mornings he'll sleep until 8:30. He's wearing 18-24 month clothes and his torso is longer than his legs, which is the opposite of his sister. He's had two haircuts now and didn't sit as nicely for the second one as he did the first one... apparently the dum-dum suckers have lost their touch on him! I'm guessing he weighs between 25 and 26 lbs now and it's becoming more of a challenge to carry him for anything longer than a few minutes.

I am so thankful that God blessed me with this little guy. :)

Happy 15 months sweet boy! I love you!



Look at me, daddy spiked my hair! :)



From one to two.

Nearly two years ago when I was just a few months pregnant with Lukas, I had a conversation with my friend Linda about what it was like to go from one kid to two. Linda had three kids already by this point and was well-versed on the in's and out's of motherhood so she's a person whose judgment I trust whole-heartedly. (For this as well as many other reasons.) This conversation, despite the fact that it was held over facebook, has stayed with me and as a few of my other friends are currently making (or preparing to make) this transition, I figured I would revisit it.

During our conversation, Linda explained to me that going from one child to two was going to be the hardest jump in the world of parenting. She was absolutely right.

Throughout my pregnancy with Lukas, I was stressed. About everything.

I was stressed about Liana and how she'd transition to being a big sister. I was stressed about getting the house ready for another baby. I was stressed about our finances. I was stressed about my recent miscarriage and the rollercoaster of emotions I was experiencing regarding that and now a healthy pregnancy. I was stressed about potty training. I was stressed about work. I was stressed about feeling tired during the first trimester.... and the second... and then third... all while balancing the needs of my family and my job. I was stressed about feeling huge and carrying the baby super low all the way through the pregnancy and how uncomfortable this all made me. I was stressed about what was going to happen to my body as I knew from the get-go that I was likely going to have to have a c-section. I was stressed about the constant heartburn that was so much worse the second time around. I was even stressed about stressing my baby out. You name it, I was stressed about it.

When Lukas was born, I realized the stress had only just begun.

It would have been a hard transition with an easy-going baby. But with a more difficult baby? It felt impossible.

I felt like I was never enough to both of my kids. The first two weeks after Lukas and I came home from the hospital, I had help. Mike had taken the first week off from work and my mom had taken the second. Seeing as I was recovering from my c-section, this was a necessity as I struggled to get around a bit (especially the first week... I'm still impressed at how quickly I healed and how well I began to feel that second week) and needed all the help I could get. The last day I had help close by, I remember feelings of sheer panic while thinking of the reality that the very next day I'd be having to do this all by myself. Meeting Lukas's needs AND Liana's needs all at the same time? Was it even possible?

It was. But not without some sacrifices on everyone's part.

I felt like a terrible mom to Liana for the next three weeks. Here she was, two and a half years old, and she was thrown into this new life she never asked for. (Of course I knew that this would only help her grow and that if she was old enough to make an educated decision, she'd likely choose to endure this transition if it meant she got to have a younger sibling. But at two and a half, she didn't know that.) For the first time in her life, she had to wait for the things she wanted and her needs didn't always come first anymore. She learned how to do a lot of things for herself very quickly.... like going potty, getting things she needed and even things that I needed. She learned that we could no longer do the things we were so used to doing with such ease.... like picking up and heading off to the store quickly, heading over to visit with family or friends, and making meals. She was forced to become more independent rather quickly which while good in some respects, also made me sad at times.

As much as going from one to two effected Liana, it effected her mom even more.

Truth: It was hard as hell.

Truth: I knew it wouldn't be easy. But I didn't realize just how difficult it would actually be.

Truth: I didn't always handle it well.

Truth: I know I shut down... more than a few times.

When we first brought Lukas home, the days felt painfully long. He cried so much and was inconsolable for most of the day, everyday, until he was about 8 weeks. It wasn't until he was about 14 weeks that I felt like my baby was "normal". I was putting everything I had in me into my two kids that by the end of the day, I was desperate for just a few minutes of "me" time.

Mike would walk into the house at 5:45 every night and I knew in my heart that he would have rather stayed at work. It was easier there and I couldn't blame him because by the time he stepped foot inside our door I was emotionally fried, dinner still needed to be made and Liana's bedtime was soon approaching. (Which at that time wasn't as easy as it is now.)

Things didn't start to get better until Lukas wasn't as fussy... so somewhere around that 14 week mark. But even then, I'd say that it wasn't until he was about five months old that I truly felt some of the pressure subside. At ten months I finally felt confident enough to discontinue my Zoloft. While I was more than a bit nervous to stop it and be forced to deal with the everyday stresses all on my own, I found myself quite thankful when I realized I actually felt better off it than I ever had on it.

As I write this, I'm 14 months into being a "mother of two". Sure things are easier now than they were a year ago. I can say with much gratitude that I've made it through the first year with my sanity still (mostly!) intact. Our life as a family of four isn't perfect and I'm not naive enough to believe it ever will be. For the most part, I've made peace with that.

But why was the transition from one child to two is so hard?

Because meeting the needs of two young children takes twice as much work but you do it in the same amount of time. Saying its exhausting would be a drastic understatement.

Do I think it would've been easier had my second child not been such a difficult baby? Obviously.

Do I regret doing it? Never.

Because as hard as it was and as tired as I am, I see the way my kids love on each other (when they're not doing things like hitting each other or fighting over toys) and in that moment, I realize that I did this more for them than I ever did it for myself.

I also realize now that I did the best I could, every step of the way. Again, I was no where near a perfect mother. But that's something I have to forgive myself for because I know just how hard it was. There were good days and there were bad. Sometimes the good were really good and sometimes the bad were REALLY bad. While I haven't always been the most relaxed and patient mama, there hasn't been a single moment in which I wouldn't have laid down my life for either of my children simply because I love them that much. Most importantly, they know it. Because while I may do a lot of things wrong, the one thing I know I do right is love them. Hard and with all my might.

Liana informed Mike and I today that she would like a little sister. I'm certainly not ready to see if the transition from two to three kids is any easier than our most recent one and I remain skeptical as to whether I ever will be. (Mike's already gotten it into his head that we're done so that may make my decision quite easy.) So for now, I'm quite fine with keeping this family of four just the way that it is. Chaos, imperfection and all. :)

2012: In pictures and words.

Every year, I try to summarize all that's taken place in our lives over the course of those 365 days into one not-so-little blog post. 2012 was another eventful year for The Kadzbans....

January:

We started out the year by taking the plunge and buying a mini van. I swore up and down I'd never allow myself to do it but when it came down to it, it was the smartest decision and I'm not ashamed to say that I love my van! I remained on maternity leave until the 18th and the anxiety of going back to work was more than overwhelming at times. Once I finally returned though, the reprieve came on quickly. (I thank my wonderful coworkers for that one.) We had Lukas's 3 month photos taken on the 21st and he spent his first night in his nursery on the 23rd.

February:
Lukas was baptized on the 18th at St. Pius X Church in Grandville. Mike got one of his many moments of glory when he took Liana ice skating for the first time at Rosa Parks Circle. She didn't like to skate on her own all that much so instead, he carried her most of the time. She especially loved it when he would go fast!

March:
This month held some good changes for us! Mike got a great promotion at work that moved him into the position of a Merchandise Planner for the Dairy Department at Meijer. He had worked so hard to get to this point and it surely didn't come easily. Liana turned three on the 24th and I had promised myself we would be "paci-free" by that birthday, so earlier in the month we finally worked ourselves up to getting rid of those paci's she had become so attached to. The first day was the worst, especially at naptime and bedtime, but after that she handled it like a champ! Lukas started some solids this month and wasn't initially a fan. I also breastfed him for the last time on the 28th, making it to the same 5 month mark I made with Liana. I wasn't ready to give it up but I was also quite frustrated with having to pump while working (pulling over on the side of the road to pump is far from ideal!) so it just felt like the time was right.

April:
This was a big month for our little boy! He finally started to invest himself in eating solids around the middle of the month, which Mike and I hoped would help him finally sleep through the night. (It didn't.) He got his bottom two teeth just weeks before his six month birthday on the 27th. The four of us packed up and headed eastward for a visit to the Kranz's on the 21st and it was nice to share our little guy with our friends once again. Lukas also had his six month photos so we made the most of that session and got some updated shots of Liana as well.

May:
Mike started the month of May off by running the 25k in the Riverbank Run. The kids and I made the trek to the finish line on that rainy Saturday morning to see him finish and while it wasn't the easiest of tasks, the look on his face when he saw us standing there made it all worthwhile. Lukas finally sits on his own this month and also starts to use rolling as his means of getting around. May also brought our little boy his first sicknesses - first it was a terrible cold, then croup. He starts eating 3 meals a day as well which does help him sleep longer at night and wake less. Both kids wind up with Hand-Foot-Mouth Disease and then share it with their mama. Liana officially stops taking naps and bedtime goes much smoother as a result. I take a night away from Mike and the kids to spend a night in Holland with one of my closest friends, Rachel and have an absolutely amazing time. We finish May out with our first trip to the zoo!

June:
After thinking about it for weeks and meeting with a realtor, we decided to list our house in early June. I had completely underestimated how emotional that would be. Not even three weeks later and a day after my 29th birthday, we accepted an offer on the house and reality set in that "our" house was no longer "ours". Lukas started army crawling this month and was so much fun to watch. We took him swimming for the first time on the 24th and he also sits up on his own for the first time.

July:
Mike started the month out by celebrating our 6th anniversary on the 1st. Lukas gets to enjoy his first Fourth of July but isn't too impressed with the loud horns during the parade (and neither was his sister, really!). He also gives up army crawling and moves on to the "real deal"... I quickly found myself wishing he wasn't quite so mobile as he loves to get into EVERYTHING! He eats "real" food for the first time this month and loves Mac & Cheese. With help, he takes his first steps. Lukas turned 9 months and my dad decided that he was no longer able to watch the kids for us while I worked. While it was a hard decision to come to, I couldn't blame him one bit and looked forward to getting the kids into a daycare where they'd get to play with other kids and work on their socialization skills.  Come July 28th, we said our final goodbye to our Sienna home and the wonderful neighbors we would miss so terribly much. After looking at dozens of houses and not finding anything we loved, we decided to take the plunge and build!

August:
The plans for our new home were finalized this month. Liana had a big milestone when she got her first haircut and it went much better than I had anticipated it would. She also got to go fishing with daddy for the first time. Mike's summer hockey league won their championship. And I got some wonderful news that my friend Kate was unexpectedly expecting her third baby!!

September:
FINALLY! Lukas is officially sleeping through the night! It only took him 11 months to get there, but we finally did it! (At least for a while.) My mom and I took Liana to the Barnum & Bailey Circus on the 22nd and had so much fun.... Liana talked about it for weeks and still reminds me that she wants to go again. It was so neat to share in that kind of an experience with her. Our little girl finally gave up wearing pull-ups to bed this month. Mike ran in the Warrior Dash with his brother and sister and had a fun time with only a few minor bumps, scrapes and bruises. Lukas took his first steps this month too and once he got going, he didn't slow down. He also said his first word, "mama", and then follows it up by saying "daddy" a week later. He has seven teeth already and is working on his molars as well. The end of the month brought some unexpected job changes my way as my job share partner decided that it was her time to leave SHH. This was a huge loss for me in so many different ways and I really struggled with it.

October:
Early October brought some major excitement as they started excavation on our house. It was the coolest feeling to look at that hole after it was dug and to know that my kids will grow up in that house and that it's ours. Lukas gets his first haircut just days before his first birthday and much like his sister did, handles it like a champ! We celebrate his first birthday with just a small family party this year due to a lack of space in our rental house. Lukas's 1 year photos and our family pictures were taken on the 25th and he learns a new word - "byeeeee!" for bye-bye. After months of procrastination and having an extremely difficult time of finding the right daycare for my babies, Mike and I chose to enroll the kids at Forest Grove Christian Learning Center in Hudsonville. I said a bittersweet goodbye to my job share partner Megan and my "north team" on the 18th. While I looked forward to working closer to home, it was painfully difficult to leave the territory and the nurses I had come to love so much.

November:
The kids started at Forest Grove this month and while Liana was initially very excited about going to "preschool", once the reality of it all set in she was less than pleased. My heart broke each Tues & Thurs morning when she'd wake up crying and begging me not to take her. But Mike and I both knew this was for the best and that it would get easier, which it has. Lukas handled it all so well right from the get go and thrives in the presence of the other kids. Mike has another "moment of glory" this month as he takes Lukas to his first hockey game, which they both loved. Liana and I ditched the male half of our family for a weekend to head eastward to spend time with Kate, Lily and Charley. The foundation for our house is poured. Lukas gets his teeth brushed for the first time this month. On a much more difficult note, my parents file for divorce this month after 33 years of marriage.

December:
"The Build" progresses quickly this month and before we know it, we have an exterior! Within just two weeks everything is closed off and big decisions are being made. Mike and I are enjoying making some of these decisions but also find ourselves quite stressed over the financial aspects that come along with this process. My Dad moves to Rockford the first weekend in December and things start to get pretty tough for my family. Christmas was a bittersweet holiday for us this year but we enjoyed seeing Liana and Lukas soak up the magic of it all. Liana especially loved her Elf on the Shelf, Martin, that came to visit us everyday. We finished out the year with a bang by both Liana and Lukas getting pink eye and then all of us getting hit with "the plague" (aka the stomach flu) on NYE and by New Years Day.

 

2012 presented us with a lot of blessings and a few hardships. This was our first full year as a family of four and Mike and I have really been trying to soak up this time in our lives with the kids. We look forward to everything 2013 has to offer us, especially the completion of our new home!