Kickin' it with The Kadzban's: July 2011

(So, as I promised.....)

Mike and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary just a few (that's "late speak" for eleven...) short days ago.

And my did five years sneak up on us quickly.

The past few years, as each anniversary came and went, I simply thought "We've been married ____ years now." Like it was no big deal.

But this year? This year was a biggie. Maybe not such a big deal to someone whose been married longer than this, but to us, yes. Just as I'm sure that 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, and so on will also feel like a big deal, 5 years felt like a very big deal.

How did we get here so fast?

I'll tell you how. Day by day and sometimes, hour by hour.

I often talk with my mom or my closest of friends about how naive I was when Mike and I got married. I honestly thought it would be a cakewalk. I remember thinking all throughout college, "someday, he'll come home to ME at the end of every day and that will make everything alright" (referring to all the time he spends at work and hockey). I used to long for the simpleness of just having him next to me as I fell asleep at night and it still amazes me that on the nights where I did have that, it actually made everything okay.

Soon after we married, that was no longer the case. I wanted more of him for myself and less of him for "other" things.

It's amazing how things change. And sometimes so quickly.

Over the past five years, we've had more ups than downs.... thankfully. But the worst of the downs were pretty deep down just as the best of the highs were incredibly high. I've realized just how hard marriage truly is and how it's nothing like the cakewalk I once thought it'd be. It takes more energy than I have to give some days, in all honesty. But somehow, Mike and I persevere. We keep working until our fingers are figuratively bleeding and we don't think we can take anymore. We trudge through the mucky times and always seem to find ourselves back on track.

And I attribute that reality to four things:
1. I love the man to my core.
2. He's the father of my children.
3. He's the most patient person I've ever met.
4. We always find ourselves meeting halfway because we've realized along this process that winning means someone else has to lose. Losing hurts. And neither of us wants to see the other one hurt.

My husband is my rock. He's my stability. He's the man I always dreamed of marrying.... except for the fact that he's not ridiculously wealthy. (Maybe someday?!) He's patient which is not always one of my best virtues so it balances us out. He doesn't yell at me or talk down to me.... despite the fact that I don't always show him the same respect. (I'm still a work in progress, too.) He comes home to me at the end of every day and regardless of how stressed he is or what his day has been like, he pitches right in and gives me the time I need for myself. He's funny, charming and everyone's friend. Best of all and most importantly, he's an amazing daddy. I can visibly see how much he loves her and how much he already loves our little man. And that, well that makes me fall in love with him all over again.

But we are two very different people, from two very different families, who handle things two very different ways most of the time.

I'm impatient, hot-tempered, and have high expectations for not only those around me, but myself as well. I'm both selfish and selfless, if you can make sense of that, and each to a fault at times.

I'm an imperfect person, as is he.

We joke around all the time about his arrogance because the guy thinks he's God's gift to this earth. He's not always the most considerate.... though I have to say, I've seen drastic improvements on this front just in the past few months. And at times, he's selfish.... but like I said, at times so am I.

I won't lie.... these differences cause rifts between us more often than I'd like.

But these differences are also something I've come to appreciate. Together, we make a great team. We balance each other out. We keep each other in line. We help each other grow and we're patient with each other as we do. (Well, for the most part!) If it weren't for these differences, we'd be of the same personality types living under one roof.... and I doubt one of us would make it out alive. ;)

Years four and five of our marriage have definitely been the hardest. Four was full of external losses while five was full of internal ones. Losing our baby during our fifth year placed a strain on our marriage I didn't quite expect as we quickly realized how differently we grieved. But also during our fifth year, we found the joy in knowing that another baby would welcome this family of ours. While things remain uneasy on that front at times, we are worlds above where found ourselves just six months ago.

Upon our fifth anniversary we are Excited. Whole. Happy. Committed. Reassured. Joyful. Thankful.

And yes, still In Love.

But this isn't the same "in love" we felt back when we were so much younger. This is a deep love, a matured love, an unconditional love. That was black.... this is white.

Last night, as we laid in bed before going to sleep, Mike turned away from the tv, looked at me and said something along the lines of, "Haley, I really love this life we've made together." All I could say in return was "So do I babe. So do I."

We've come so far in five years. We've completed college together. We've managed a household together. We've bought a house. We've traveled... though minimally. We've both worked hard at jobs we find great fulfillment in. We've built a family that's ours and in the process watched each other grow into not only the roles of husband/wife, but of mommy/daddy, too.

My heart tells me that these past two years and all the struggles we've endured are now a part of our past. I have great confidence in knowing that as we continue to move forward together, things will only get better and we will only become more fulfilled in this marriage that we've both worked so hard at.

Sure, tough times will come. I'm no longer naive to that fact.

But Mike and I have a better understanding of each other these days.

And the foundation for that understanding is the fact that no matter what, we're in this for the long haul. Through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, so long as we both shall live.... just as we promised in our wedding vows.

Michael Anthony, I love you. More than I may ever be able to say but as much as I hope you know. I can't wait to experience life with you and all it still has in store for us.

God has blessed me by putting you at my side. There's a lot of things I'm unsure of in this world but that's certainly not one of them.

Happy 5th Anniversary babe.

From then....

To now.

I feel like every other entry I post these days begins with, "well, it's been awhile.... again." There's always so much I want to say and write about but free time is not something I've been afforded much of lately. I can't believe how quickly this summer is going by and how crazy my days feel. Between working extra hours (which in my case means 10-14 hour days, 2-3 days per week) and the million things we have to do around the house, I find myself too drained at the end of the day to sit in front of this computer screen and write. Especially knowing that I'm sacrificing getting something else done by doing so.

But, despite my house looking like a tornado has hit it, I'm here writing. These past few weeks deserve to be remembered, so if I don't put them into words now, I know I'll soon forget.

Amazingly enough, Mike and I had FIVE days off together over the 4th of July weekend. The last time we had that much time off together was when we went to Jamaica last year; the time before that was back in 2007. It doesn't happen much because it's extremely difficult for my husband to "let go" of work for a few days (did you know he works from home almost every saturday morning? and over the course of these five days, I got after him on at least 2 of those days because I found him on the computer "checking in"?). Spending this much time together only makes me want more time with him and as a family... hence the reason I was nearly in tears on Tuesday just thinking about the fact that we'd be returning to reality come Wednesday. I feel like I never can soak it up enough. But, I tried my hardest!

Our first day off together fell on Friday, July 1st.... our 5th wedding anniversary. How has five years already come and gone? It was a bit surreal to me all day that we've been married five years already, which only makes me wonder how surreal it'll feel when it's been ten, fifteen, or twenty years. (I hope to write a post of it's own someday soon about how five years feels, but for now that will have to wait.) While we had intended to spend the day in Holland as a family, the weather didn't quite cooperate with our plans so we ended up spending the day in the comforts of home before going out to dinner and the mall with Liana in tow. (I couldn't bear the thought of leaving her with a sitter two nights in a row, as we had a wedding the next night.) While the day didn't quite turn into the romantic event I had hoped for, I think we both found ourselves laughing during dinner as we wrangled an impatient two year old and realized that our day actually ended up being a perfect representation of who we are and just how far we've come these past five years. No glitz. No glamour. Just a nice dose of our everyday life... together. A life that we love. A life that we built, together. Is there a better gift than that?! I doubt it.

Saturday was a day of busyness for Mike and I. My mom came over bright and early to pick up Liana so that we could get some stuff done before attending our friend's wedding at 4. While Mike stayed home and worked in the yard and around the house, I ran errands and got ready for our evening. At 4pm, we arrived on the campus of GVSU for Dean and Jodi's wedding. They got married outside in the arboretum and while it was ridiculously hot (and humid!) which made it slightly miserable to sit through, I have to say that I've never heard a more beautiful ceremony. Maybe my hormones played a large part in the way I was feeling, but as I listened to the words being spoken, I found myself holding back tears. Following the ceremony we all headed downtown for the reception at The B.O.B. I definitely felt like the "old lady" of the group and Mike and I joked around all night about how I always seem to be pregnant at weddings. I have to say that it's not much fun watching everyone drink and let go of their inhibitions a little for one night while I sit there and feel as awkward as ever, but I made do. By the end of the night, I even made it onto the dance floor. We got to see and spend time with a lot of our old GVSU friends which made Mike's day/week/month/summer. I love seeing him so happy. While we thought about staying out even later, we made our way home and climbed into our bed around 12:30. It was a good thing, too, because Sunday was no day of rest for us. :)

Sunday morning, we actually slept in (this is unheard of for me, even when Liana's not home!). My mom brought Liana home around 11 which was just in time for nap. As she slept, Mike and I continued on with our long to-do list and when she woke up, we headed over to Aunt Barb & Uncle Mark's for a Kadzban Family Pool Party. I was disappointed that more people didn't come but I was still happy with those who did. Our cousins, Laura & Matt, are also expecting a baby and are due at the end of November so it was really nice to be able to catch up and hear that she's been feeling kicks too. Liana didn't enjoy the pool too much, however. While I got her to go in with me soon after we arrived, she was more than slightly traumatized when people started jumping off the diving board. So the rest of the time we tried to "ease" her into going back in with only a small amount of success. My peanut is certainly not a waterbug this year, that's for sure.

Monday was the day we had all been waiting for.... I love the 4th of July almost as much as I love Christmas & Thanksgiving. We made our way into Grandville to see the parade and Liana did GREAT! We had front row seats (not thanks to the hundreds of adults who for some reason feel THEY need a front row seat instead of my two year old... don't even get me started on this subject) thanks to a kind couple who had saved too much space for their family. Despite the fire truck sirens and loud horns blaring, she took it all in stride without a single tear. We ventured into the craft show after the parade had finished but soon realized it was getting late and Liana needed her nap. So we headed back out, but not before we ran into a few old friends & classmates first. :)

We headed back to my parents house for the afternoon to have lunch, let Liana nap, and float in the pool. We ended up staying there the entire day until we went back into Grandville to watch the fireworks. By this point, Liana had been ready for bed for a while so I knew we were pushing it. We decided to watch them from the parking lot at Rivertown Crossings because I was nervous that the bright lights and loud booms would scare her and if you know Grandville, you know it's no easy task to get out of there quickly on the night of the 4th. While the thought was a good one, I wouldn't go back to watch the fireworks there again.... they were surprisingly too far away to get the full experience. Liana lost interest really quickly and the minute they were done, we were out of there.

Finally, Tuesday was our final day off together. We took Liana to Millenium Park hoping that the Splash Pad would be enticing to her. It wasn't. After MUCH effort on our part, Mike and I realized it was a lost cause and left only 2 hours after arriving.

While all the activities of our vacation didn't quite turn out as we had hoped, I loved every.single.moment of our five days together. I loved being with my husband without a single interruption (ie... hockey or work). I loved that we got stuff done AND we got to do the fun stuff we've been wanting to do for so long now. I loved the memories made and how happy Liana was to have both her Mommy and Daddy with her for nearly five days straight.

I just loved it.

Since then, Mike and I have both gone back to work and back to reality. I have to say, I'm not always such a big fan! For the next three weeks, Mike is gone 3 nights a week (Mon, Tues, Thurs) for hockey which essentially means I'm on my own with our little one all 3 of those days. I've also scheduled my on-call hours for 2 of those Wed nights which realistically means I won't see him 4 nights in a row during those weeks. The reason he's gone 3 nights rather than his usual 1 night is because he's coaching summer camp so come August, we'll have him mostly to ourselves again.... forever. The head coach decided in June that he's not coming back in the fall which also means Mike and the other asst coaches aren't coming back either. While I'm sad that we won't have that extra bit of income each year, I'm elated at the fact that I'll have my husband all to myself each night, just when I need him the most.

I have to believe this was another way of God intervening and showing us what was best for ourselves when we didn't know ourselves.

So aside from all of that, we've had plenty of projects going on around our house in preparation for this new baby. Liana's "big girl" bedroom furniture was ordered last week and should be arriving this week or next. As a result, we've moved the guest bedroom from the room it's been in for the past three years to our other bedroom. I've been in decorating mode and I'm hoping that we'll paint her new room this weekend. While these kinds of transitions make me excited, they also provide me with a whole lot of anxiety. I'm not usually very good with change and I often find myself not ready for this one, even though it's stemming from something so wonderful. Part of the reason I'm not so good with change is because I'm terrible at making "big" decisions.... it took me 2 weeks to finally decide which bedroom suite to buy her! (Mike doesn't help this process, either, as unlike most men, mine is quite opinionated!) I research everything like crazy and have this deep need to "shop around" in order to save money wherever we can. While it always ends up benefiting us, it stresses me out in the process. Do you know how hard it is to "shop around" when you have a 2 year old in tow? Seriously!

My hope is that we'll transition her into her "big girl" bedroom sometime this month. I don't want to push her too quickly because if she's anything like me, she'll revolt against a "forced change". So we'll let her do it at her own pace and see how things go. I just pray that being in a "big girl" bed doesn't change her sleeping habits too much... this mama needs her sleep now more than ever!

Mike and I have also been toying with the idea of trying to potty train her this summer still. Again, this causes me great anxiety. First, I feel like she could be ready, but I don't want to push her because then she'll revolt. Second, I worry that she'll regress, as I've heard many kids do, once her little brother comes along. Third, even though she can tell me after she goes potty and poo-poo, she rarely tells me before so I'm not sure that we're quite there yet. Part of my struggle is knowing that either we do it now or we have to wait another 6 months. There's no way I'm going to try and potty train right before the baby comes along... that's just asking for trouble. And there's no way I'm going to potty train with a newborn in the house.... I've heard that's self-induced torture. So should this not happen soon, I can only assume that we'd have to wait until January to take that next step into the world of being a big girl. I'm not happy about having her being almost three before she's trained, but I suppose this is just one more thing out of my control. Heck, who knows, maybe she'll surprise us all somewhere in the middle. :)

There are so many changes going on right now in the Kadzban house. While I'm completely overjoyed with the reality of all of them, like I said, they also cause me some anxiety. But this is the path on which we've been set. This is the path in which God has chosen for us. Ultimately, I'm more than okay with that.

Finally, I'll update you on our little guy.

Who blows me away everyday.

Liana wasn't a terribly active baby. I felt her move a lot at night but rarely during the day. This little boy moves all.the.time!!!! Between my visits for work, I sit with one hand on the steering wheel and one hand on my belly. I feel kicks, jabs, and pokes all day and right up until bed time. Only once has he woken me out of my sleep with his movements... but considering I'm only 23 weeks and I never experienced that with Liana, I'm a bit nervous for everything that's still to come. I just keep reminding myself that I better enjoy this stage while it lasts because those last 12 weeks could be incredibly brutal as I start to feel like a beached whale who's getting beaten up from the inside out. ;)

Okay, well I think I'll wrap up my update there... for now. There's still a million things I want to say but there's also a million other things I need to be doing right now.

I'll leave you with a few pictures of our last few weeks. :)