20 months.

Liana turned 20 months old last Wednesday.

And I'd just like to tell you all that 20 months is pure bliss.

This little girl is the most remarkable thing I've ever been a part of.

Every ounce of joy in my life is because of her.

I never knew that I could love someone so deeply. So purely.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... maybe even every day for the rest of my life... she is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

So, here's a brief snapshot of my little girl at 20 months.

She speaks sentences now. Sure, they're short sentences, but they still count! A few examples would be "Get down Moose!" or "Come Bauer!" or "Daddy go bye bye?". She loves bossing everyone around (hmmm... wonder where she gets that from?!) but somehow she still manages to be sweet as pie. In the morning, the first words out of her mouth are "Mickey Mouse?" because we watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse every.single.morning from 8-9:30. She doesn't sit in front of the television for long though... often she just watches the opening sequence and then runs off to play. But the minute she hears the 'hot dog' song, she's back in front of that tv singing and dancing. And during the closing sequence, she always chimes in to the "clubHOUSE" part. (With a clear emphasis on house, because she's been saying that word for so long). I'm certain that she says at least 50 words by this point.... maybe even 100. I'm thinking of starting a list to find out for sure. It's incredible how her language is expanding daily... I swear she tries to repeat EVERYTHING we say to her. For that very reason, we had to forewarn Mike's brothers to watch their mouths on Thanksgiving Day. (And they did a pretty good job with only a few minor slip ups... one even coming from Mike!) I even heard her say "Wind Board" last week while watching a Baby Einstein video. I'm telling you, she picks up everything!

At bedtime, she no longer lets me read to her.... no no.... she reads to me. Her Baby Einstein book, which is full of pictures with their names under it, is known by heart. We can go through each page and she knows just which word belongs to which picture. For example, my kid knows the difference between a cello, an accordian, and a violin. Yep, that's my smart girl! She'll walk into her playroom, where we have most of her books on a shelf, and pull them out to read. She sits on the floor with the book in her lap and with her finger, she runs across each and every word while "reading" (aka babbling) out loud. She learned this pointing thing from me, as I found it was one way of keeping her focus on the reading task when I was reading to her. Liana can also count and it's definitely her new favorite thing. She's got 1-9 down pat, skips #10 (ironic, since it's Mike's favorite number! maybe I'll finally have an ally in this house after all ;) and goes straight to 11, 12, and 13. She counts EVERYTHING.... the steps as we walk up them, the ducks in her bathtub, the food on her plate. It's amazing.

We've finally broken her (actually, this happened more than a month ago) of her paci during the day. She now only gets it at naptime and bedtime and she knows it doesn't come out of her crib. In the morning, she throws it in there like the big girl that she is along with lovey and she hasn't asked for either one during the day at all. I'm so glad she wasn't terrible about giving it up, because I surely love seeing that smile of hers without having a purple pacifier in the way!

We've started introducing the potty to her. We're not in potty-training mode yet, but I figured it'd be good to slowly get her used to the idea. So, we spend about 20 minutes a day sitting on it and that time is usually decided by her. Once she sees it, she says "Potty?" and wants to go on. We give her books and show her lots of new things to explore as she sits there and she's content as can be. She'll even point down to the potty and say, "Doo doo?" or "Potty?" We haven't had any "productive" moments on it yet, but when we do that will surely be cause for one very big celebration. :)

We've got all of our teeth except our final four molars... but she's had them all since early summer, so that's not really news.

Last week, she got her first bout of the "flu"... while at Nana and Papa's house on an overnight. Nana said she threw up NINE times. My poor baby! Part of me hated that I wasn't there to hold her through it, but another part of me felt relief because I can't imagine seeing my baby sick like that. (Which makes me think of you, Linda.) And after she got it, ALL of us got it.... my dad, my mom, my sister, me, but NOT Mike. Don't ask me how he managed that one. This mama was lucky enough to even get it two weekends in a row. Not so much fun, I tell you.

She still hates the car. With a passion. Even 10 minute road trips are awful... I hate to rely on a machine to entertain my child, but I'll admit to letting her watch her Einstein DVD's if I know the ride will be longer than 10 or 15 minutes. She also hates getting out of the bath. She loves to get in and she'll stay in far past the point that her water is warm anymore. For this very reason, I hate bath time. I hate forcing her out... I hate the temper tantrum it results in... I hate that she won't let me wash her hair... I just hate the whole thing.

She now knows almost every one of our family members and closest friends by name. This includes: Nana & Papa, Auntie (Brittany), Grandma & Grandpa, Gigi & Gipa (my nana and papa), Bauer & Moose, Rachel, Blair, Dan, Ben, Ash (Ashley), Kate, Jaeger, Lily, Graham, Mo (Megan), Matt & Laura, and my cousin Dustin. If I have a picture of you up in this house, you're known by my little one. So get me those pictures people! :)

There's so much more I'm sure I'm missing.

But, the moral of this story is quite simple: my 20 month old is ridiculously fantastic. She makes this mama's heart smile in a way no one else can. She makes every day, even the worst ones, completely worthwhile. I've said this every month for the past 11 months, but 20 months is definitely my favorite so far.

I'm completely smitten. :)

Four weeks.

Wow, I can barely believe it's been four weeks already since we lost our baby.

And people were right.... the pain hasn't gone away.

I've actually been having a harder time this past week than I was having immediately after it happened. I'm sure that's because the reality is finally setting in.... so many of my friends are pregnant right now and I'm terribly jealous of everything they're getting to experience. I know my day will come again (I started my first regular period yesterday... exactly on the four week mark of finding out our baby was gone) and I'm craving pregnancy. I'm craving the excitement, the joy, the preparation. But at the same time, I know I'm not quite ready. It's a tough balance.

Some days, I only think about it a handful of times. Other days, it hits me like a brick wall all over again and it's all I can do not to think about it every.single.minute. Those bad days feel paralyzing. They make me scrunch my nose while in a meeting.... because if you know me, you know that scrunching my nose is the only thing that keeps the tears from coming.... or while in the car listening to a song that reminds me of the pain I feel from this, after I've gotten an email from someone I love, or while watching something on tv.

On those bad days, I get really angry. It seems that this anger is my strongest coping mechanism when dealing with this loss as I feel it often. I'm angry because this isn't fair. Because I deserve to have my baby just as much as all my friends deserve to have their babies... but for some reason, I don't.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. This sucks.

I know this rollercoaster ride we call life will take me to the top again. I pray that Mike and I won't have to endure this pain again. I pray that our next pregnancy will be happy and healthy and our baby will come out as perfect as Liana did.

But for now.... we wait. Until the time feels right. Until we're reassured. Until we're holding a new baby in our arms and we fully realize that our life wouldn't have been complete without them... and that in order to get to that point, we had to go through this point.

About two weeks ago, Mike forwarded me this email that he received from a coworker of his at Meijer. He barely even knows her, but yet she felt the need to send this along when she heard about us losing the baby.

I heard that you lost your baby…I’m very sorry. 

We lost a baby before we had our second daughter as well, and while this probably doesn’t help now…when you see and hold your next baby, you’ll understand that, for whatever reason,  your lives just wouldn’t be the same without him/her. 

I look at Sophie and think ‘I know that I would’ve loved the child that I lost’, but there is simply NO way my life would be complete without HER…she is just what we NEEDED, I guess.

Take it easy…give your wife a hug for me…from one Mom to another…

These words help to heal this heart of mine. They give me so much hope for the future and what's still to come.

In the mean time, I'll try to keep the faith.

Highs and Lows.

Well, my blogs have had a theme lately, so I may as well stick to that theme.

The good:

Being home this weekend was great. A little stressful as I was all over the place Saturday, but it was great. It's funny how normal it feels already to not be working weekends. I was driving to Lindsey's baby shower on Saturday afternoon and had to stop my thoughts for a second to recognize the fact that this was the first time in 25 months that I was able to do something on a weekend day without having to worry about "fudging my day a little" so I can "make an appearance", without having to take PTO, or simply without having to miss it all together. Yesterday, Mike and I took a trip to the mall (2 sundays in a row now... this could get dangerous!) and as we sat in the food court having lunch, he said to me "I have to say, I really like having you around on the weekends. It feels like we're spending so much time together because it's been forever since we've been able do do this kind of stuff." This comment made me smile because he's right. It's amazing how nice it is to spend whole days together, to walk the mall hand-in-hand, spontaneously go out for lunch or dinner together, or ditch Liana and go "out" on a Saturday night.

Plus, can I just say that co-parenting rocks? Last night around 5pm Mike started getting tired so I told him to go upstairs and take a nap. He looked at me like it was Christmas morning and said, "Really?!!" in that excited tone that he gets every once in a while. He didn't actually end up doing it but it was still one of those moments where it just hit us that hey, we're in this together. Love it. :)

Because this weekend was pretty busy, I have a feeling next weekend is when it'll really hit me that I'm off weekends. We have nothing scheduled other than a family Thanksgiving dinner for Mike's side on Sunday and I'm thinking about taking Liana to do this on Saturday morning at Tip Toes in Holland.

Also good? I FINALLY got to meet a long-time friend, Linda, on Friday night. I'll get into the circumstances more a little bit later as those aren't so great, but Linda has been a huge support to me for the past 2+ years over facebook and my blog(s). We started talking because Linda's husband, Jacob, was at one time like a big brother to me. His mom (hey Aunt Pam!) watched Brittany and I when we were young and definitely became like family... hence the reason I still to this day call her "Aunt" even though there's absolutely no relation. The Quist's lived just across the street from my parents and also had two girls, Katie and Abby, who were the exact ages of Brittany and I, so they became our best of friends. The Brabo's and The Quist's grew apart after a while but I found Jacob on facebook/myspace a few years back. He wasn't very good at updating his pics of their daughter Laney (surprise surprise, he's just like every other guy!) so I finally sent Linda a message explaining my relationship to the Quist's and asked her if she'd friend me so I can see more pics of Laney. From there on, I realized just how amazing Linda is. She's a strong woman of God with a faith as tough as nails.... and an amazing mom and wife. (Someone I could definitely look up to, wouldn't you say?) When I was pregnant with Liana, she walked me through those nine months and after Liana was born, she's helped walk me through the last 20 months too. She's irreplaceable which has been ironic seeing as I had never actually met her... until Friday. :)

More good? Mike and I spent a night "out" with the Prins' Saturday night. And it was fabulous, even though it was spent in a hospital room at Butterworth Hospital. (See how wild and crazy we are these days?!) Ashley, who is almost 25 weeks pregnant with twins, is on medical bedrest because the twins are incredibly high risk as they're in the same amniotic sac. Here's a science lesson for you: typically, identical twins split very early after fertilization and form their own individual amniotic sacs. However, Ashley's boys didn't split until 8 days (or so) into the pregnancy, which means the amniotic sac had already formed. Because they're in the same one, there's a high risk that the cord of one of the boys could get wrapped around the others neck. Ashley's been on bedrest since 20 weeks and went into the hospital last Wednesday at 24 weeks. The doctors plan to deliver the boys via c-section no later than 32 weeks. The nurses monitor those babies 3 times a day to make sure everything is still okay and by the grace of God, they are.

I hadn't seen Ashley since two days before my miscarriage started happening.... so it'd been three weeks. And oh how I missed that seeing that mama and her belly in person. I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend my Saturday night "out" than to be there with she and Erik and feel those boys kick. It seriously made my weekend. :D

Finally, I also got to see Kate this weekend too!! I've been missing her like crazy these past few weeks and even though our time together was short, it was just nice to be in the same place together. Her little one wouldn't cooperate and let me feel any kicks, so I'm glad Ashley's boys came through for me as I'm definitely living vicariously through these ladies these days. I'm really hoping that Mike and I will be making a trip to the east side over the next couple weeks to spend a full weekend with Kate and Marty. It'll be awesome. :)

The Bad:

The baby shower on Saturday was really rough. I didn't realize it until I was sitting there, in the midst of everything, that I had really hoped to be there with my own baby belly that day. Even in a room full of people, I felt really lonely and very out of place. I looked at Lindsey and Kate's bellies with full-blown jealousy because I want that. I want to feel the kicks, wear the cute maternity shirts, and radiate with excitement over the fact of what's to come.

And last night was tough too. First of all, watching "16 and Pregnant" never helps matters. Second of all,  last week it was only the girls who were as far along as I was (12, 13, 14 weeks) that were difficult for me to come across on fb. But now, that's changing. It's hard for me to see anything from any of my friends that are pregnant. It's not that I'm not happy for them.... God knows I am.... I'm just jealous because I want what they have. I want to be naive to the pain of a miscarriage, as many of them thankfully are, and not have to deal with these struggles.

So last night, I ached for what I had hoped for.

The Ugly:

The reason I finally met Linda this weekend is because her second child, Isaac, who is 17.5 months and just 2 months younger than Liana, was diagnosed with Leukemia last week Thursday.

When I heard that news, it was like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. Especially after hearing about this and this. No mother should have to see her baby sick.... let alone with cancer. No parent should lose their child. And the thought of my friend now going down this path and not knowing what might happen to her child? Terrifying.

So, I've been praying. Fervently. For Isaac. For Jacob. For Linda. For Gabrielle and Laney.

Please, pray with us. For Isaac to be a "rapid responder" to his chemo treatments. For his mommy and daddy to find some comfort and sanity in their days. For the help to continue pouring in. For Isaac's pain and discomfort to be minimal.

Life hasn't been very nice lately. Don't get me wrong.... it's better than the alternative... but I'm having a hard time dealing with all this pain people are having to go through. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.

Sunshine with a chance of clouds.

I'm not sure why, but tonight I'm feeling horribly anxious.

Maybe it has something to do with leaving Liana at my parents for the night. It's not that I worry about her.... it's just that I miss her when she's away from me. Now more than ever.

But more than likely, it probably has to do with the gray cloud that looms in front of my sunshine every once in a while.

Let's be honest here.... 95% of the time, I'm doing okay. I cried yesterday for a brief moment and I cried Monday night in an all-out sob but not just because of my loss.... because of their loss too.

95% of the time, I accept what's happened. 95% of the time, I feel like it happened forever ago and not just nineteen days ago. 95% of the time, I feel like I'm successfully moving forward.

But that other 5% of the time, I'm angry, sad, anxious, frustrated and confused.

And it seems that when one of those emotions is more prominent than another, it runs deep into my core. Sometimes it lasts for hours, sometimes for moments... but either way, it paralyzes me for as long as it lingers around.

I accept the loss of that baby. I accept the loss of that pregnancy. But the reminders... those are what kill me. Every reminder brings it to the surface again. I've tried to avoid certain reminders but there are some that I have no control over. I think those reminders are God's way of making me remember.

I just miss what "should" have been. I'm incredibly jealous of my friends who are 12,13,14 weeks pregnant and experiencing the things I "should" be experiencing. I see the ultrasound pics and I want that to be my baby on that screen. I see the belly pics and I want it to be my belly that's being shared with the world. I miss the feeling of having my baby within me because right now, my body feels like a room with a "vacancy" sign hanging on the front door.

I've never come out of a pregnancy with empty arms. It's an incredibly lonely feeling and a rotten ending to something that I had hoped would be so amazing. It's something I never expected to experience.

I know many of you are wondering when we'll start "trying" again. Well, I'm not quite sure yet. The planner in me wants to wait a few months because I'm not crazy about being 7 or 8 months pregnant throughout the hottest months of the year. But there's another part of me that says, "You planned with the last baby and look how that turned out. Let God decide and just take the leap."

My only concern with that is that we seem to get pregnant so easily. A terrible problem, I know. (That last statement was purely sarcastic, just so you know.)

And, I don't know that I feel right about getting pregnant again right away. I feel like that would be saying that this last baby wasn't important and can just be replaced. They can't. That baby left me with a hole that cannot be filled by anyone else.

I still miss that baby every.single.day.

Physically, I think we could get pregnant anytime. I haven't had a non-miscarriage related period yet, but my body has a way of telling me things and I think it's screaming "I'm ready!".

Emotionally, I just don't know that I'm ready.

So I hope that cures your curiosity. I think it helps to answer my own. (It's amazing what writing these feelings down does for me. Hello, moments of clarity.)

In less depressing news:

Liana is amazing. That little girl is my saving grace right now. She's into everything, like always, and her need for independence is causing this mama to have some mini heart attacks. Like, for example, Sunday night when she was desperately trying to get away from me on our bed and in the process fell off and landed on her head and neck. She gets smarter every day, like today when we were watching Baby Einstein and a picture of a table came onto the screen and before they introduced it, she said "table" all too clearly and then showed me how to say it in sign language. (Who says you can't learn anything from tv anyways?!) She's got a serious attitude at times but her sweetness wins out every time. The bottom line? I love the kid. She is my world.

The Kadzban's are keeping busy. Mike and I are both working full time this week which has been quite interesting. He's officially done with week #2 of coaching.... only four more months to go!!!! Next week I start my new schedule which will be Wed, Thur, and Fri every week. So far, I'm loving the change but it'll be interesting to see if that changes as I'm not quite off my "orientation" yet. And I can't even tell you how excited I am about being free from the weekend shift.... as much as I miss my coworkers and that position already, the freedom of having my weekend days back is amazing. This weekend, I have a baby shower (that I can actually go to!!!!) and next weekend, I'm thinking about taking a day trip with Mike to Birch Run. We're both so excited about actually being able to do these kinds of things together from here on out. :)

I love my friends. And I love our family. So that's always good.

So yes, the sunshine is definitely there and I promise, the clouds only come every once in a while.

And now, the CMA's, my husband, and some ice cream is calling my name.

A new path.

So as you know, Monday was a pretty tough day.

Yesterday, I had distractions. Good distractions. I worked all day in preparation to make the switch to my new role at SHH... case management social worker for our "northern" territory. Granted, this was only day #1 of learning this new role, but I find myself excited. I can't tell you how nice it was to have a scheduled day and not wonder when my pager is going to go off next or what crisis I might walk into.

I also can't tell you just how much I'm going to miss my weekend position. I'm going to miss the hospital because the things you see and experience there can't be found anywhere else. I'm going to miss my team... there's only a few of us on the "weekend option" and I feel like we're a puzzle that fits perfectly together because most of us have worked together for so long. Yes, we drive each other nuts at times, but I can honestly say that I'm going to miss everyone I've worked with for the past 25 months. I'm going to miss the freedom and independence of setting my own schedule (for the most part) and not knowing where my day might take me next. I'm especially going to miss the pay because working 2 days a week and getting paid for 4 is amazing. I'm going to miss the fact that I didn't have to rely on anyone else to take care of Liana while I worked because Mike was always there when I wasn't... and now, I'm having to count on others to care for the most important person in the world to me.

Yes, I'm going to miss weekend option. Sometimes I seriously wonder if I'll regret leaving it. But then I look at Liana and Mike and I realize just how much I miss having time with both of them. How much I miss my husband. How much I miss being able to go to Sunday morning mass or to the mall with my family. I realize how many moments we'll be able to share together instead of apart. How much I want to be able to coparent instead of feeling like a single parent most of the time. And when I think about all those things, I realize it'll all be worth it.

This Saturday is my final day on weekend option. Honestly, it felt like it would never come. Now that it's here, I'm not sure how I feel.... excited and scared. But Sunday, when I wake up and realize I have no work responsibilities, I'm sure the excitement will take over.

Next week should be a busy week around here. I'll be training full time and working 4-10 hour days. Mike has started his coaching season and already, I'm not loving it. Remind me again why I caved for one more year?! It's tricky balancing the whole "working mother" thing... especially when he's busy with hockey and can't help too much. But once tryouts slow down and the regular season starts, I hope that we find a more natural flow to things.

I'm feeling quite anxious these days. Most days, the pervasive question in my mind is, "Why me? Why my pregnancy? Why my baby?".

I was talking with Ashley about this yesterday because for the first time, I felt really angry with God on Monday. Throughout this loss, I've felt lots of anger but it was never really directed at anyone in particular. But Monday was different. Ashley, who's in her own high risk pregnancy with twins and 23 weeks today, comforted me. We talked about how someday, when we walk through those gates of Heaven, we'll have a sit-down conversation and hope that He gives us some answers. But in reality, I already know two of these answers.

First, I think God wanted to make me a better mother. Now granted, I'm not the best mom I can be right now. But I can tell you one thing.... I'm more thankful for Liana than I ever have been. I look at her as a miracle. My miracle. I think about how much I love her and how I can't imagine never having known her.... like I'll never know the baby we lost just a few short days ago. And when you're thankful for your child.... really, truly, thankful to your core for your child.... you love them more. You love them deeply. More deeply than you ever thought you could.

And I'm certain that this kind of love doesn't come without a price. I think that baby was our price.

I know that with our next pregnancy, I'll be less cautious, less hesitant, less nervous about having another child. I'll be more excited, more joyful, more comfortable with the idea of having two. Because the alternative isn't what I want. I was really scared about adding to our family for those first 8 weeks. I was scared about having two kids depend on me for their every need. I was worried about how Liana would adjust to the transition of having to share her attention. And I wasn't looking forward to the aches, pains, and sleepless nights again. But no more. I know now how much of a blessing a happy, healthy pregnancy and a happy, healthy baby truly is. I know that it shouldn't be taken for granted. I know that it can happen to me so when it doesn't, I'll be relieved beyond words.

My next pregnancy, should I be so lucky, will be different. There won't be room for fear... only excitement. Only joy.

Second, I think God wanted to show me that I'm not indestructible. That life isn't all sunshine and roses... because lets be honest, my life has been blessed. I think that He felt I needed a reality check... and maybe I did. I wish it hadn't come in the form of losing my child, but that was His decision. I hope someday He tells me why this became a part of my story and I hope that I continue to learn from the lesson He's trying to teach me.

As I walk this path I've been put on, I'm trying to soak in the new scenery. Understand my new surroundings. Thankfully, Mike and Liana are walking this path with me as are many of our friends and family members. But no matter what, I know one thing.... this event has changed me. It's changed my story forever. It'll always be a part of me and if I must go through this, I wouldn't want that to be any other way.

I guess sometimes the ground can shift beneath your feet. Sometimes your footing slips and you stumble. And sometimes, you grab what's closest to you and hold on as tight as you can.

Day Eight, Nine, and Ten.

Because I don't want to be completely depressing, I'll start off with the good.

I went back to work this weekend. I was terribly anxious to do it.... I wasn't sure how I'd feel when I walked into that first visit. Nor did I know how I'd feel training my replacement. But the weekend went smoothly and work ended up being a healthy distraction for a while. There were moments that I walked into situations and thought, "If only you knew what I'm dealing with right now..." but overall, things were okay. Thankfully, I didn't find my job any harder to do than it usually is and I appreciated not only the distraction, but the normalcy of it all too.

Saturday night, I rushed home after my last visit to get Liana ready for trick or treating. I needed those moments more than ever.... to celebrate something, to see "a first" and be a part of it. While she hated getting into her costume and fought us pretty fiercely in the process of putting it on, once we took her outside to see all the other kids in their costumes she warmed up to the event of trick or treating pretty quickly. It's like she finally realized, "Hey, my mom and dad aren't just torturing me by putting me in this ridiculous outfit after all.... this is pretty cool!" We only went to a few houses but the minute she saw a lollipop in her bag, she couldn't resist.

 Daddy and Liana.... her shirt from Grandma says "I'm so cute it's scary!". :)

 Watching for the trick or treaters...

 Loving on her tootsie pop!

Sunday was busy. I started out the day feeling fine... but as the day progressed, I started having some sharp pains in my abdomen along with feeling very weak and achy. I finished up my charting and sent my last voicemail at 7:59 and then climbed into bed immediately. I was beyond the point of tired. Apparently, after seven days of laying on the couch, my body was angry with me for working this weekend.

And now for the depressing part. I'll apologize in advance....

But today sucked.

I can't stop crying, which I suppose might be a good thing.

Well, at least I know I'm not numb or cold hearted.

Honestly, this weekend I kept asking myself, "Am I really over this already?!" I felt absolutely fine. Yes, there were moments that were hard because of the reminders... like taking my methergine (which contracts the uterus to push any other remaining tissues out) in the middle of visits, or going to the bathroom and seeing the image of what's happening to my body, and putting on a coat that I had bought for this winter because it would've been a great maternity coat to suddenly realize that it no longer serves that intended purpose.... but overall, I felt fine. I didn't cry. I didn't dwell. I just moved forward.

And then today, I just didn't feel fine anymore.

I woke up exhausted. Achy from the toll this weekend and the miscarriage has taken on my body. I went into work for a meeting and saw the rest of my social work team... which I won't lie, sent me reeling. I love my team for how supportive and caring they are of me. But while walking into that building and having people tell me how they've been thinking about me was reassuring, it also stirred my emotions. I wasn't prepared for that at all.

This afternoon only got worse from there.

I looked at pictures of a few of my facebook friends today who are pregnant.... some of whom are due right around the time I should've been. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

(Disclaimer....facebook friends, it's not my intention to make you feel guilty for what you have and I don't at this moment. It's just that certain things are a trigger for my grief, including your pictures. However, never would I want you to censor me from these... I want to share in your moments and be joyful for you but in the process, I need you to understand that I mourn for me.) 

Tomorrow should have been 12 weeks.

I should be taking these belly pictures.


I should be feeling the excitement of pregnancy.

I should be feeling the nausea and exhaustion, but most of all, the joy and anticipation.

I should be thankful for the blessing of a healthy pregnancy instead of mourning over the loss of one.

Instead, I'm doing none of these things. I feel more empty than ever before. I feel like a part of my heart is honestly missing. Like a part of me is gone and I'll never get it back.

My sister and I went to Target so that I could escape things for just a little while. It didn't work.

We walked by the maternity section and I had to stop myself from breaking down.

While picking up some stuff for Liana, I walked through the baby section to look for an outfit for Ashley's boys. I saw the crib bedding sets and blankets and my knees buckled. Because just a few weeks ago, I was shopping for new crib sets and blankets in case we were having a boy.

And as Liana melted down in the middle of Target, I wanted to melt down with her. "I know, life is rough Liana. Trust me, I know." (Which of course was said in a completely sarcastic tone, because well, she was fussing over absolutely nothing. Welcome to 5pm in the Kadzban world.)

We came home. And I just held it together the best that I could until Mike walked in that door at 7:15. And then, I checked out.... something I've been doing often these days.

It's so hard to take care of Liana when I can barely take care of myself. Part of me says, "Suck it up Haley. You gotta get it together." But the reality is, I feel depressed and sad. If I could lay on that couch all day and lose myself in TV, I would. If I could eat ice cream for every meal, I would. It's hard to play with your child when you don't feel joyful and happy. So instead, we muster through the tough days and tough moments.

Let me say that we do have joyful moments together. I love my daughter now more than ever. But the reality is that I'm sad right now. I'm angry. And I feel like most of the time I'm barely keeping my head above the water.

I just ache for what would have been. I feel like something has been stolen from me.... my baby. my joy. my excitement. my hopefulness.

My heart is heavy today for the child that should have been under it.