I'm struggling.
Right now, it feels like every day is a struggle. I know the winter blues have gotten their wicked grasp on me this year, more so than ever before, because of everything that happened last month.
I stopped going to therapy... I realized in December that I wasn't getting what I needed out of it anymore. I learned some really valuable lessons and skills in the first six months and continue to put them to use and for that, I'm thankful. While I have so much respect for my therapist and she really, truly was amazing and so incredibly smart, I felt like she too often forgot to focus on the fact that I'm a daughter in all of this and not a Masters level Social Worker.
But I did start working out again (after taking a FAR-too-long hiatus) so I'm hoping that helps to elevate my spirits... or at least help me lose a few pounds!
For weeks I've been wanting to write down the feelings in my head. I'm a "thinker" by nature so whenever I'm not thinking of something in particular, I start to think about whatever is hitting me the most at the time. For the past month, those thoughts have revolved around my dad.
December was an unusually cruel month in my life. One I was both happy to see go and didn't want to end. Knowing that we're done with the legal proceedings is both comforting and sad for me. Because it means this is all a part of my past now... a "past" I didn't feel ready to let go of. I am relieved, however, by the fact that I no longer have to be fearful of what the outcome may be. What needed to happen, happened. As hard and painful as that may be.
The 19th, sentencing day, was especially traumatic. I relive that day often. Seeing him fall apart in court... saying words of love and then words of hate. Knowing that the whole world was about to see just how bad his behavior could be but knowing that now it was far, far worse. The man they splashed across every local news station was NOT my dad.... the dad I once knew seems to be gone. A person of my past. The man in that courtroom was a different person, one that has significant mental health issues and desperately needs help (but refuses to seek or allow for it).
I struggle every day with how I grieve for my dad. One moment, I miss him terribly. I think about past memories with him. I hear his voice and the excitement and happiness it could hold (usually pertaining to Liana). I remember so clearly how much he loved my kids... the way he sat and read book after book to them. The way he colored at the kitchen table with Liana (and truly did color). He lived at their beck and call. I miss the way he would call me up and say, "You tell that peanut how much her papa misses her!" and then guilt me into bringing her over despite the fact that we were usually there just about every day. I remember looking out our back window and watching him push her on the swings, just beaming with pride and happiness. I remember the way he selflessly gave up his time to watch her/them whenever I needed help.
I also remember how often he was there to help Mike and I. Anytime something went wrong with the house, he was the one we called. If we needed something done, he did it.
He was my go-to guy. I miss that. So, so much.
But after I remember all these things, I then remember how hard it often was. How he could say such cruel things when he was angry. The way in which everyone walked on eggshells around him. How he tried his hardest to control what we all did or were going to do. I remember the anger, the outbursts, the silent treatment we'd receive for days on end if things didn't go "his way". I remember him turning our lives upside down more than once when he decided he didn't want to participate in his marriage anymore. I remember the lack of consideration he showed to us throughout the divorce proceedings and ultimately, the night of February 15th. I remember how much harder he made this past year when it seems that a "good person" who loved his family would have done anything to make things right and avoided causing any more pain.
Every day, I struggle with where to go from here. Do I write or do I wait for him to write? Do I tell him I love him in hopes that it'll help crumble that wall he's built so high? Or do I let those words pass me by? Do I put my heart on the line for a man who put us all through hell, or do I just walk away? Half of me wants to have a relationship with him still but the other half knows how foolish that would be. I fear he'll use me and manipulate me. I fear that he'll tell me what I want to hear just to get the things he wants. I fear that he won't mean whatever it is that he would say. Being betrayed by him in this way has been terrible enough but at least he's been honest (it feels terrible to say that, considering what his "honesty" has entailed)... I can't even begin to imagine how hard it would be to be lied to as well. I can't handle him telling me he loves me when in reality, he may very well hate me.
I feel like I have this huge void in my life now. A couple of weeks ago I finally thought to myself, "Wow, THIS is what grief feels like." For years I've been working in grief & loss with my patients and their families but I never truly understood what it was they were facing. Now I do. I know what grief feels like now. I know how deeply it goes into a person's soul when they lose someone so important to them. I know just how much it hurts.
(To clarify... more so for my own benefit than anyone else's due to a guilty conscious... I have grieved before. The loss of our baby to my miscarriage. But the grief I feel for my dad is very different than the grief I felt for our baby. And the grief I feel for my dad is far more relate-able in terms of the work I do.)
I often wonder if losing my dad to prison is harder than it would be if I had lost him to death. My dad was ripped from my life just the same as he would have been if he had died. The only difference is that instead of dying, he's sitting in a cell somewhere, CHOOSING not to be a part of my life anymore. Which hurts more? I can't say for sure, but knowing that your parent abandoned and walked away from you hurts like hell.
I realized over the past few weeks that I was in survival mode throughout the ten months leading up to sentencing. While I thought I was "dealing" with everything, I see now that I was only dealing with one side of things... the side that I could see and feel the most - my mom's side of things. I've grieved what he did to her and the lasting effects it's had on her and I know I'll continue to do so. I know that while my grief may someday take a vacation, it's only a matter of time until it comes back and I'm again reminded of this chapter in her story. But for the past ten months, my focus has been predominantly on her... likely out of a need for self preservation. How could I cope with the loss of him at the same time I was trying to cope with what he did to her? And getting her through the mess he made? It wasn't possible. But now, now I know I'm out of "survival" mode. I now feel the gravity of the situation....
My dad is in prison and will likely die there. While he's currently in Jackson, he could be shipped off to anywhere in the state in just a few short weeks... It could be 1 hour away or 10 hours away. He doesn't want to talk to me and I may never get the chance to see him again, at least while he's alive. I worry every day about whether he'll take his own life. I don't know how he's doing, what his days are like, whether he's lonely or made friends. After 30 years together, my dad has become an absolute stranger to me.
I really pray that this gets easier with time. I pray that I find resolution within myself to know what's right and what's wrong when it comes to my dad. I pray that God gives me the direction I need.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
2013 in review.
It's that time again... time for my annual yearly wrap up. For obvious reasons, I've been putting this one off. I hope focus as much on the positive things that came out of the year as I do on the negative...
Let's get down to it.
January
"The Build" continued. During the month of January we watched the interior of our house take shape as they put the drywall up, which was a two week process. The exterior of the house also got some TLC as they put on the siding and the shingles. Mike and I spent countless hours this month finalizing our interior choices and making sure everything was going to be just as we wanted it. I got my first speeding ticket in 10 years and wasn't a happy camper about it! Mike played in his 7th annual GVSU Alumni Hockey game and this time, he had two little kiddos sitting in the stands and cheering him on. Lukas was so excited to see his daddy on the ice! Lukas turned 15 months old this month and moved into the Toddler room at daycare. My parents divorce continued to get messier throughout the month of January and on the 12th, my dad decided that he no longer wanted a part in my life and said some terribly hurtful things.
February
The month started off with me trying to wean Lukas of his pacifier... I gave up after day #1 at the encouragement of many. It just wasn't worth it! We spent Superbowl Sunday in our old neighborhood and I found myself really emotional when I saw our Sienna house again. So many memories were made there! Our house continued to take shape and this was the month in which a LOT of progress was made. Cabinets and doors were installed, trim was put up, all carpentry work was completed and tile floors were laid. Then, the 15th hit and our world was shattered to pieces and turned upside down. See that story here. We spent the remainder of the month just trying to make sense of what had happened and trying to take care of my mom. The last weekend of the month, Mike and Liana headed to the east side of the state to celebrate Lily and Charley's birthday. While I had planned to take the kids myself, we decided it was best for Lukas and I to stay home and help with my mom.
March
The first day of the month started off with a bang as we met with the Prosecutor, Kim, who would be handling the case against my dad. Little did we know then what a blessing this woman would become to us in the days, weeks, and months ahead. On Monday the 4th we had our first court date for the preliminary exam to determine competency and probable cause. My mom was required to testify against my dad on this date and therefore, it was a pretty difficult day for everyone involved. The media presence was heaviest at this point and made our lives even more difficult than it already was. My mom had her nose reconstructed on the 8th and this surgery was by far the most painful for her to endure... it was awful seeing her in so much pain. My sister and I began receiving letters and telephone calls from my dad rather quickly and we decided to go see him on the 23rd. The visit went very poorly and we came home feeling more hurt than ever. With regards to the build, our house was SUPPOSED to be done this month so it came with great frustration when we realized this wasn't going to be the case. While the painting was done and the floors were in, we had no driveway and there were many touchups needed. (If you need to know which builder and painter to avoid, I'm your girl!) However, while the majority of March was hard, there's always a silver lining and this month it came in the form of Liana turning four!! My sister also brought another family member home in the form of Toby the dog, who both my mom and Liana quickly fell in love with and my mom decided to keep.
April
This month started out on a good note with me driving to the east side of the state on the 10th to welcome Alexander Thomas Kranz into the world. This was a day I had been looking forward to for some time and it felt like the first truly good thing that had happened so far this year. While I wasn't in the room when Xander was born (but was just down the hall), I'll never forget the feeling of walking back into that hospital room and being told by Kate that the baby she had been expecting for the past nine months was a boy! Mike and his mens league team won the championship for the season. The middle of the month brought us more struggles as we dealt with lots of legal issues with regards to the divorce and then we received a phone call stating that my dad was being interviewed for a national TV show (Lock Up) and wanted permission to be taped. Brittany and I both requested (ie: begged) him not to move forward with the taping process and thankfully, we were told he was going to oblige. But by the end of the month, things turned around again and we FINALLY closed on our house April 26th. Boxes began moving on April 27th, the same day we participated in the March of Dimes walk to honor The Prins Twins!
May
May 5th was our first night in our new home! Waking up the next morning to the sun shining through our bedroom window and the lake in my sight was the outcome I had been waiting eight months for. After months of training, Mike ran the 25K in the Fifth Third Riverbank Run and did so in just over two hours (2:04:15). Mothers Day came the very next day and was extra special for us this year considering all that had happened. The rest of May was pretty uneventful... something we didn't mind too much! We took the kiddos to the Zoo for the first trip of the year and celebrated my cousin Dustin's college graduation. I started seeing my therapist this month in an effort to work through some of the emotions I was dealing with and found it immediately beneficial.
June
We started the month with yet another court date - this time, for the divorce. As usual, it didn't go well and we were all thrown for a loop. A few days later, the kids and I packed up for a weekend visit to the Kranz's. Five kiddos under five was a bit intense, especially when we decided to take them all to the Detroit Zoo, but it was worth all the chaos! Liana started gymnastics this month and fell in love with it! Mike and I celebrated our good friend Erik's 30th birthday with him on the 15th. Father's Day was a pretty rough day for me and I ended up spending most of it alone and in reflection over the past few months and the past 30 years. The end of the month brought two big events.... my garage sale, in which I purged about half of our baby and children's clothes amongst other items, and my 30th birthday! Mike wisked me away to Chicago for a weekend getaway which was MUCH needed and we had a great time spoiling ourselves for the first time in months.
July
Happy 7th Anniversary to us! Mike and I rang in our anniversary on the 1st by doing not much at all... something that we were just fine with. We worked on our yard endlessly this month and Mike started working on the retaining wall as well. We quickly realized just how much we underestimated both projects! We were back in court again on the 12th for the divorce and my mom was ordered to sell the Rockford house... a welcome relief to the three of us as we were all ready to let it go from our lives. Liana found her love for the water this month and basked in the glory of swimming the rest of the summer. Lukas, on the other hand, didn't appreciate it as much! I "nested" this month, preparing for our first party in the new house... a baby shower in honor of my friend and coworker, Kara. The end of July brought my dad's 66th birthday - another "first" spent without him.
August
We celebrated another Kadzban wedding on the 3rd when Mike's cousin Doug married his college girlfriend, Sara. The kids had a blast at their first wedding reception and danced the night away! Just a few days later though my world was shaken once again when a college friend, Sarah, suddenly lost her 30 year old husband to meningitis and was left to raise her three children (under the age of two) by herself. To say that life is unfair became a drastic understatement and her loss resonated deeply with me and others close to me that knew the couple better. Later in the month, however, Mike and I were able to reconnect with our old firends Kurtis and Kathryn after a four year hiatus. The last weekend of August brought the kids and I back to the east side of the state for another Kranz party... this time to celebrate Xander's baptism. I was one tired mama after forging that party without Mike but as always, it was worth it. :)
September
I had been gearing up for September throughout the entire month of August as we were supposed to begin the criminal trial the Tuesday after Labor Day. We found out that day, however, that the trial was going to be pushed back until either November or December. I was initially very disappointed that we were going to have to wait to bring closure to the situation but after a few days, I realized how relieved I actually was. I just wasn't ready to face the reality of what was going to happen and I wasn't ready for my dad to be shipped from Grand Rapids to Jackson. I felt like I had been granted a reprieve and for the first time, I was thankful for the slow pace of our judicial system. Mike turned 30 on the 19th and we celebrated by having dinner with a group of our closest friends. On the 22nd we had family pictures done and while they turned out beautifully, it was hard not having him be a part of that. A few days later, I got to snuggle my friend Kara's new baby Maya and then celebrate my sisters 29th birthday.
October
Mike and I went to Traverse City for a couples weekend with a few of our good friends from college and had a blast. We soaked up every child- and responsibility-free moment! The tensions of K-Day came to an all-time high this year between my husband and I, making a few of our days this month anything but happy. We had court again on the 18th and got some good news. Then later that day I threw a baby shower for Baby Giroux and got to spend an evening with a few of my favorite coworkers! The 19th would have been my parents 34th anniversary (and technically still was) but my mom, sister and I decided to make it a day devoted to just us and how far we've come since life without my dad began. We rounded out the month by leaving the dark ages and getting smart phones (trust me, this was a monumental moment!) and then celebrating our baby boy's 2nd birthday on the 27th with just a small family party. Halloween was also a big deal this year as both kiddos participated in the activities with Liana dressed as Rapunzel and Lukas as Elmo. While Lukas wasn't too into the festivities at first, he got pretty excited once he realized candy was involved and made lots of new "friends" with the candy-givers around the neighborhood! :)
November
Immediately following his birthday, we weaned Lukas of his paci during the non-sleeping hours and he did much better with it than we thought he would! I was so relieved to have that thing out of his mouth for the most part as he was seriously attached to it for the longest time and rarely went without it. We went back to court on the 14th for a civil suit between my parents in hopes that it would award my mom the sum of their estate and take the matter out of Judge Quist's (the judge presiding over their divorce) hands. I testified on my mom's behalf and was so relieved when I discovered that my dad would not be present as I wasn't ready to see him, let alone testify against him in his presence. Judge Redford awarded my mom 100% of their estate which provided us with a great sense of relief as we were always so worried about what he might do with any money awarded to him. That same day, Baby Giroux made HER entrance into the world! I was elated for my friend Megan who had waited far too long for this day to arrive. After five months of working on the retaining wall, Mike finally finished it just days before the snow started to fly. We spent Thanksgiving in Traverse City this year and it was a nice change of pace from what we usually do. And after years of procrastination, I finally earned the right to sign "LMSW" after my name this month. :)
December
Nothing like sending the year out with a bang.... December was one tough month for us. December 3rd marked the start of the criminal trial and Brittany, my mom, and I all testified in court against my dad. The next two days were torture as we listened to all the other testimony and sat in a court room just feet from the man who we both love and fear so much. The verdict came back on the 5th and as we re-entered the courtroom to hear what the jury had decided upon, my heart had never felt heavier. After only a 30 minute deliberation, my father was found guilty of assault with the intent to commit murder and once again, my world felt like it was turned upside down. Just two short weeks later we were back in that same courtroom for sentencing, along with every local news station. I can confidently say that December 19th was the worst day of my life, even surpassing the miscarriage. While these events greatly overshadowed all the other events of this month, we did have some good days. Liana got her ears pierced on the 7th, we had her preschool Christmas concert just before Christmas, Mike got to have his inaugural skate on the lake, and I was able to take two full weeks off from work over the holidays.... a break I was in desperate need of. Christmas was very bittersweet this year but I loved seeing both of my children get excited over being with our families and opening their presents. I was reminded this month of how blessed I still am to have the remaining family that I do. We ended 2013 with the wedding of a very dear college friend, Nicole, and spending NYE with the Prins' and all four of our kiddos.
Let's get down to it.
January
"The Build" continued. During the month of January we watched the interior of our house take shape as they put the drywall up, which was a two week process. The exterior of the house also got some TLC as they put on the siding and the shingles. Mike and I spent countless hours this month finalizing our interior choices and making sure everything was going to be just as we wanted it. I got my first speeding ticket in 10 years and wasn't a happy camper about it! Mike played in his 7th annual GVSU Alumni Hockey game and this time, he had two little kiddos sitting in the stands and cheering him on. Lukas was so excited to see his daddy on the ice! Lukas turned 15 months old this month and moved into the Toddler room at daycare. My parents divorce continued to get messier throughout the month of January and on the 12th, my dad decided that he no longer wanted a part in my life and said some terribly hurtful things.
February
The month started off with me trying to wean Lukas of his pacifier... I gave up after day #1 at the encouragement of many. It just wasn't worth it! We spent Superbowl Sunday in our old neighborhood and I found myself really emotional when I saw our Sienna house again. So many memories were made there! Our house continued to take shape and this was the month in which a LOT of progress was made. Cabinets and doors were installed, trim was put up, all carpentry work was completed and tile floors were laid. Then, the 15th hit and our world was shattered to pieces and turned upside down. See that story here. We spent the remainder of the month just trying to make sense of what had happened and trying to take care of my mom. The last weekend of the month, Mike and Liana headed to the east side of the state to celebrate Lily and Charley's birthday. While I had planned to take the kids myself, we decided it was best for Lukas and I to stay home and help with my mom.
March
The first day of the month started off with a bang as we met with the Prosecutor, Kim, who would be handling the case against my dad. Little did we know then what a blessing this woman would become to us in the days, weeks, and months ahead. On Monday the 4th we had our first court date for the preliminary exam to determine competency and probable cause. My mom was required to testify against my dad on this date and therefore, it was a pretty difficult day for everyone involved. The media presence was heaviest at this point and made our lives even more difficult than it already was. My mom had her nose reconstructed on the 8th and this surgery was by far the most painful for her to endure... it was awful seeing her in so much pain. My sister and I began receiving letters and telephone calls from my dad rather quickly and we decided to go see him on the 23rd. The visit went very poorly and we came home feeling more hurt than ever. With regards to the build, our house was SUPPOSED to be done this month so it came with great frustration when we realized this wasn't going to be the case. While the painting was done and the floors were in, we had no driveway and there were many touchups needed. (If you need to know which builder and painter to avoid, I'm your girl!) However, while the majority of March was hard, there's always a silver lining and this month it came in the form of Liana turning four!! My sister also brought another family member home in the form of Toby the dog, who both my mom and Liana quickly fell in love with and my mom decided to keep.
April
This month started out on a good note with me driving to the east side of the state on the 10th to welcome Alexander Thomas Kranz into the world. This was a day I had been looking forward to for some time and it felt like the first truly good thing that had happened so far this year. While I wasn't in the room when Xander was born (but was just down the hall), I'll never forget the feeling of walking back into that hospital room and being told by Kate that the baby she had been expecting for the past nine months was a boy! Mike and his mens league team won the championship for the season. The middle of the month brought us more struggles as we dealt with lots of legal issues with regards to the divorce and then we received a phone call stating that my dad was being interviewed for a national TV show (Lock Up) and wanted permission to be taped. Brittany and I both requested (ie: begged) him not to move forward with the taping process and thankfully, we were told he was going to oblige. But by the end of the month, things turned around again and we FINALLY closed on our house April 26th. Boxes began moving on April 27th, the same day we participated in the March of Dimes walk to honor The Prins Twins!
May
May 5th was our first night in our new home! Waking up the next morning to the sun shining through our bedroom window and the lake in my sight was the outcome I had been waiting eight months for. After months of training, Mike ran the 25K in the Fifth Third Riverbank Run and did so in just over two hours (2:04:15). Mothers Day came the very next day and was extra special for us this year considering all that had happened. The rest of May was pretty uneventful... something we didn't mind too much! We took the kiddos to the Zoo for the first trip of the year and celebrated my cousin Dustin's college graduation. I started seeing my therapist this month in an effort to work through some of the emotions I was dealing with and found it immediately beneficial.
June
We started the month with yet another court date - this time, for the divorce. As usual, it didn't go well and we were all thrown for a loop. A few days later, the kids and I packed up for a weekend visit to the Kranz's. Five kiddos under five was a bit intense, especially when we decided to take them all to the Detroit Zoo, but it was worth all the chaos! Liana started gymnastics this month and fell in love with it! Mike and I celebrated our good friend Erik's 30th birthday with him on the 15th. Father's Day was a pretty rough day for me and I ended up spending most of it alone and in reflection over the past few months and the past 30 years. The end of the month brought two big events.... my garage sale, in which I purged about half of our baby and children's clothes amongst other items, and my 30th birthday! Mike wisked me away to Chicago for a weekend getaway which was MUCH needed and we had a great time spoiling ourselves for the first time in months.
July
Happy 7th Anniversary to us! Mike and I rang in our anniversary on the 1st by doing not much at all... something that we were just fine with. We worked on our yard endlessly this month and Mike started working on the retaining wall as well. We quickly realized just how much we underestimated both projects! We were back in court again on the 12th for the divorce and my mom was ordered to sell the Rockford house... a welcome relief to the three of us as we were all ready to let it go from our lives. Liana found her love for the water this month and basked in the glory of swimming the rest of the summer. Lukas, on the other hand, didn't appreciate it as much! I "nested" this month, preparing for our first party in the new house... a baby shower in honor of my friend and coworker, Kara. The end of July brought my dad's 66th birthday - another "first" spent without him.
August
We celebrated another Kadzban wedding on the 3rd when Mike's cousin Doug married his college girlfriend, Sara. The kids had a blast at their first wedding reception and danced the night away! Just a few days later though my world was shaken once again when a college friend, Sarah, suddenly lost her 30 year old husband to meningitis and was left to raise her three children (under the age of two) by herself. To say that life is unfair became a drastic understatement and her loss resonated deeply with me and others close to me that knew the couple better. Later in the month, however, Mike and I were able to reconnect with our old firends Kurtis and Kathryn after a four year hiatus. The last weekend of August brought the kids and I back to the east side of the state for another Kranz party... this time to celebrate Xander's baptism. I was one tired mama after forging that party without Mike but as always, it was worth it. :)
September
I had been gearing up for September throughout the entire month of August as we were supposed to begin the criminal trial the Tuesday after Labor Day. We found out that day, however, that the trial was going to be pushed back until either November or December. I was initially very disappointed that we were going to have to wait to bring closure to the situation but after a few days, I realized how relieved I actually was. I just wasn't ready to face the reality of what was going to happen and I wasn't ready for my dad to be shipped from Grand Rapids to Jackson. I felt like I had been granted a reprieve and for the first time, I was thankful for the slow pace of our judicial system. Mike turned 30 on the 19th and we celebrated by having dinner with a group of our closest friends. On the 22nd we had family pictures done and while they turned out beautifully, it was hard not having him be a part of that. A few days later, I got to snuggle my friend Kara's new baby Maya and then celebrate my sisters 29th birthday.
October
Mike and I went to Traverse City for a couples weekend with a few of our good friends from college and had a blast. We soaked up every child- and responsibility-free moment! The tensions of K-Day came to an all-time high this year between my husband and I, making a few of our days this month anything but happy. We had court again on the 18th and got some good news. Then later that day I threw a baby shower for Baby Giroux and got to spend an evening with a few of my favorite coworkers! The 19th would have been my parents 34th anniversary (and technically still was) but my mom, sister and I decided to make it a day devoted to just us and how far we've come since life without my dad began. We rounded out the month by leaving the dark ages and getting smart phones (trust me, this was a monumental moment!) and then celebrating our baby boy's 2nd birthday on the 27th with just a small family party. Halloween was also a big deal this year as both kiddos participated in the activities with Liana dressed as Rapunzel and Lukas as Elmo. While Lukas wasn't too into the festivities at first, he got pretty excited once he realized candy was involved and made lots of new "friends" with the candy-givers around the neighborhood! :)
November
Immediately following his birthday, we weaned Lukas of his paci during the non-sleeping hours and he did much better with it than we thought he would! I was so relieved to have that thing out of his mouth for the most part as he was seriously attached to it for the longest time and rarely went without it. We went back to court on the 14th for a civil suit between my parents in hopes that it would award my mom the sum of their estate and take the matter out of Judge Quist's (the judge presiding over their divorce) hands. I testified on my mom's behalf and was so relieved when I discovered that my dad would not be present as I wasn't ready to see him, let alone testify against him in his presence. Judge Redford awarded my mom 100% of their estate which provided us with a great sense of relief as we were always so worried about what he might do with any money awarded to him. That same day, Baby Giroux made HER entrance into the world! I was elated for my friend Megan who had waited far too long for this day to arrive. After five months of working on the retaining wall, Mike finally finished it just days before the snow started to fly. We spent Thanksgiving in Traverse City this year and it was a nice change of pace from what we usually do. And after years of procrastination, I finally earned the right to sign "LMSW" after my name this month. :)
December
Nothing like sending the year out with a bang.... December was one tough month for us. December 3rd marked the start of the criminal trial and Brittany, my mom, and I all testified in court against my dad. The next two days were torture as we listened to all the other testimony and sat in a court room just feet from the man who we both love and fear so much. The verdict came back on the 5th and as we re-entered the courtroom to hear what the jury had decided upon, my heart had never felt heavier. After only a 30 minute deliberation, my father was found guilty of assault with the intent to commit murder and once again, my world felt like it was turned upside down. Just two short weeks later we were back in that same courtroom for sentencing, along with every local news station. I can confidently say that December 19th was the worst day of my life, even surpassing the miscarriage. While these events greatly overshadowed all the other events of this month, we did have some good days. Liana got her ears pierced on the 7th, we had her preschool Christmas concert just before Christmas, Mike got to have his inaugural skate on the lake, and I was able to take two full weeks off from work over the holidays.... a break I was in desperate need of. Christmas was very bittersweet this year but I loved seeing both of my children get excited over being with our families and opening their presents. I was reminded this month of how blessed I still am to have the remaining family that I do. We ended 2013 with the wedding of a very dear college friend, Nicole, and spending NYE with the Prins' and all four of our kiddos.
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