As I sit at my keyboard, I find myself unsure of what to say. But I want to write... I want to say something. Because if I don't, I might explode.
I feel really anxious right now. I'm alone. I just finished last night's episode of Grey's, so I have nothing to distract me. I could take a nap because I'm exhausted, but I don't want to lay down.
So I'm left to think.
Think about yesterday. Think about today. Think about tomorrow and all the tomorrows down the road.
I think about the relief I feel. Right now, the physical pain is gone. However, I spoke with Dr. LaGrand this morning and I have to take a medication for the next three days that will cause my uterus to contract and push out anything that may be remaining in there. It shouldn't be any worse than typical period cramping... but still, after a week of being in pain and dealing with this, I'm not eager to restart things. The relief is good and I don't want it to be short-lived.
I think about how yesterday was one of the most traumatic and painful days of my life. Once the tissues were passed though, the intense pain I felt (which was far worse than any contraction I had while giving birth to Liana and lasted a solid 45 minutes) subsided instantly and just left me with some cramping. Last night, I kept myself busy to keep my mind off things... not because I wanted to avoid those feelings but I just wanted to avoid them for the moment. The physical pain had taken everything out of me that I had to give.... I couldn't give myself to the emotional pain too.
But I also think about the fact that I didn't want to go to bed last night because I knew what would happen as soon as I climbed into those sheets. And as I did and I thought about the day that had unfolded.... I just clung to Mike. Well, first I got up and took a xanax and then I clung to Mike. ;)
I think about what I told him. "I feel relieved it's over, but I just feel so empty now." While I needed the physical relief, I wasn't prepared for the emotions I felt once our baby was gone. As I laid in bed and talked to Mike, all I could think about was how empty and alone I now felt. How I now feel like a piece of me was actually missing. That I'll never see, feel, or hear that baby again.
Physically, it's over. Emotionally, it's far from so.
I just really miss my baby. I'm okay that God decided to take him/her.... I've accepted that part. But it doesn't make me miss them any less.
Today, I think I'm still in shock. I woke up, played with Liana, had Jenny and Caleb over. I was able to talk about everything without crying. I was able to laugh with Jenny and at our kids. Mike texted me to ask if I'd feel up to bringing Liana into work this afternoon in her costume to trick or treat... and I said I would and actually felt excited about it for a moment.
So there are moments where I feel okay. But I also feel the waves coming at me. Like in this instant, my heart flutters as I write because feeling okay doesn't feel right. It feels like an oxymoron. Because I'm not okay, but somehow there are moments where I feel okay. (Geeze, this is confusing for me. I can only imagine how confusing it must be for any of you.) I wonder to myself if that's the shock of it all. I worry about when it might hit me.... will it be when I decide to go back to work and I walk into my first visit? Or will that be a good distraction? Will it be when I stop bleeding? Or will that be the final release to all of this? Will it come in the middle of the day, when no one is around? Or might it happen in a room full of family and friends?
My best friend Megan... who, might I add is my favorite social worker ever.... and I were talking last night. I verbalized my concerns to her over how I was coping. You see.... I know grief. I do grief. It's my job. So I know what's normal coping and what's not.... or at least I think I do. But she reassured me. She reminded that while I may not be crying as much as I think I should, I am processing this loss. In a way that most don't. I talk. I write. I think and I don't hold back those thoughts. And I realized she was right. I still wish I could cry more over this.... I feel guilty not crying more over this... but I'm sure that if I pent up all of these emotions, they'd come screaming out in tears. But I don't do well with penting up emotions... if you know me, you know that. So here we are. You and me. Talking about my emotions. Letting most of it out in words so that it doesn't all come out in tears.
I know the tears will come. They always do.
In the mean time, we'll have these talks. They may be one-sided for the most part, but they mean everything to me right now.
Also, thank you for the support and the prayers. Only a few people know this, but I have a hard time praying for myself. So knowing that you're all praying for me means the world.
Last but not least, I'm thankful God intervened yesterday. I was okay with the D&C but I'm happy God took that choice out of my hands.
Friday, October 29, 2010
"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."
"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Day Six.
And so it was, Thursday, October 28th, 2010.
The day I miscarried our second child.
At 11 weeks, 2 days.
Right now, after an intensely painful afternoon (honest to God, worse than childbirth), I'm drained. At this moment, all I feel is physical relief that it's over.
But now, my heart is slowly recognizing that I am missing a child. Slowly soaking in what actually happened at 3pm this afternoon. Slowly soaking in that with the fifty other pictures on our refrigerator, this baby's sweet face will never be. Slowly soaking in that this sense of relief may be short-lived.
Slowly soaking in the gravity of it all. That while it may be over physically, it's far from over emotionally.
Because our baby is officially gone.
The day I miscarried our second child.
At 11 weeks, 2 days.
Right now, after an intensely painful afternoon (honest to God, worse than childbirth), I'm drained. At this moment, all I feel is physical relief that it's over.
But now, my heart is slowly recognizing that I am missing a child. Slowly soaking in what actually happened at 3pm this afternoon. Slowly soaking in that with the fifty other pictures on our refrigerator, this baby's sweet face will never be. Slowly soaking in that this sense of relief may be short-lived.
Slowly soaking in the gravity of it all. That while it may be over physically, it's far from over emotionally.
Because our baby is officially gone.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Day Five.
Yes, I'm here.
But sometimes, it feels like I'm barely hanging on. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without Mike and especially, Liana. My angel baby here on Earth.
Today was, with all certainty, one of the worst days of my life. And I'm sure that the following days will include at least a few more that can be added to that list.
We had our doctors appointment this morning which was quite disappointing. No new information as our baby slowly deteriorates still in my belly. Think about that one for a second if you will... it's viciously awful.
I haven't known how to update since Monday. In all reality, I'm still numb most of the time. I lose myself and the reality of my current situation by sitting in front of the tv and focusing in on everyone else's problems.... for instance, Derek and Meredith trying to weave their way through the details of dating on Grey's Anatomy. It works for a while, but then there are moments where it just hits me.
Currently, I'm going through one of the most physically and emotionally painful times of my life.
Physically, this baby is still with me. Afternoons seem to be worse... I cramp terribly, bleed more heavily, and just find myself very uncomfortable. I never knew that miscarrying was a process that could last so long.... for some women, this goes on for weeks. The thought of that being my experience terrifies me because as much as I don't want to let me baby go, I also need to move forward. For myself, for Mike, for our families... but mostly, for Liana. It kills me that I'm having to depend on others to be here with us right now because I'm terrified of being alone with her. I worry that my body will finally decide to miscarry when it's just the two of us here and from what I've heard from other moms who have experienced this, that's less than an ideal situation. In the mean time, Mike and my mom are having to take time off from their lives and their jobs to accommodate me and when there aren't "results", I tend to feel even more angry and frustrated than I already am. It's so much less than ideal.... it's a nightmare. I just want to take care of myself and my child again without having to rely on anyone else's sacrifices to do so.
Emotionally, things continue to process.
As I said earlier, this morning was especially tough. We had our appointment with the doctor and I wasn't prepared for what I'd feel when I walked into that office again. Sitting down in the waiting room, I thought about the last time I was there; with Liana and Mike in tow, for our 8 week visit, watching Liana play at the kids table as we waited to get called back for our ultrasound. The minute they called my name and I stood up to walk to the back, I lost it. The nurse was so kind as I said to her in tears, "We were just here and everything was so good then. I can't believe how fast it all changed." She consoled me before leaving the room, at which point Mike took over.
Our doctor entered the room with a look of disappointment on his face. We talked about the harsh realities of miscarriage and about the options ahead of me. Things felt a little rushed and I know he was running behind for the day, but this was the one time I needed him the most to really sit there and talk me through everything. (It was disappointing, I won't deny it. However, I still have all the faith in him as he comes so highly recommended.) He did another ultrasound and at 11 weeks 1 day, our baby now measures 7 weeks 4 days. I was paralyzed by the reality that my baby is actually breaking down within my body... a place that was supposed to be safe for him/her. I saw on the ultrasound screen that the placenta is starting to break down also, which shows progress. However, we discussed the option of a D&C anyways.
Let me say that going into today, I was quite hesitant about the D&C. On the way to the appointment, I expressed to Mike that I'd like to let my body do this on its own. However, now I'm more on the fence.
At this point, I need you to know that I'm not looking for opinions here, so kindly keep those to yourself. I've done the research and I'm not one to make an uneducated decision, so be comforted in knowing that whatever I decide to do, it's with my needs in mind. Mike has said that he just wants me to do what I feel is best for myself and has promised me that he'll support me no matter what my decision is. He realizes that I'm the one suffering most from all of this because like I said in a previous post, he hadn't yet emotionally or physically connected to our baby while I had done both.
There are a thousand reasons behind why I'm taking the route that I am. But ultimately, we have scheduled a D&C for Monday morning. We were given the option to have it done sooner, but that would've felt too rushed and too pressured. Plus, it scares me that if I had it done before the weekend came along and then complications arose, I wouldn't be able to go to Dr. LaGrand as he's not on call this weekend. Monday is nine days after I first started bleeding, so I'm giving my body the time I hope it needs to do this on it's own. But if it doesn't, this is my backup plan and I feel safe and secure in that. For now, most importantly, I also feel peace with that decision and should that change, I can always just cancel.
After talking to our doctor and multiple mothers who have miscarried, most of whom have had a D&C for one reason or another, I decided this was the right choice for me. It allows my body the chance to do this on it's own but it also provides me with a backup plan because emotionally and physically, I just can't do this without a time line. I need closure. I need to know that I can start moving forward.
Right now, that's especially hard to do because I'm so focused on the physical aspect of miscarrying that it's been hard to focus on the emotional aspect of miscarrying. Which I'm ready to process but just can't do.
In addition, I know that either way is going to be traumatic. If I miscarry here at home, I'll always have that visualization in my mind because from what I've been told.... and I'm sorry for getting graphic here but it's the only way for anyone who hasn't experienced this to understand... it can only be described as "giving birth" to fetal tissues and a placenta while sitting on the toilet and bleeding heavily. I don't know that I can handle that moment and that image in my mind. I don't like the idea of a D&C and what it entails but I have to remind myself that my baby is gone... it's only the tissues that remain. And I feel safe with the doctors there so if anything goes wrong, I'm in good hands. Because ultimately, the only thing that matters is that Liana's mommy comes home to her.
There are risks with both options. So, I'm putting it in God's hands until Monday because I need to get back to normalcy... back to my life, back to my daughter, back to work.
So, there it is. Our plan at this moment. It could all change in an instant and I'm okay with that.
As for yesterday, I didn't cry at all... until 10pm. When I finally decided to stop distracting myself and sit down to finish my Belly Book for Baby #2.... 31 weeks too early.
I thought about just throwing it away, but that didn't feel right. This baby was mine. He/she will always be a part of me. He/she deserves to have a belly book as just one memento to remember them by. So I printed off my belly pictures. Glued the ultrasound picture in there.
Printed off the last few days of posts from this blog to add into it. And as I looked at it once it was done, I lost it. So many hopes and dreams were lost when that baby died. I looked at all the empty pages that I won't be able to complete and just cried. Mike heard me from the living room where he was working and came to sit with me. We cried together.
The grief really does sneak up on you sometimes. I know this is fresh, but I still have a hard time believing just how intense it is and how a single thought can bring you to your knees.
Usually, a pregnancy ends with a baby in your arms. My pregnancy is over but my arms are empty and that aches to my core. I have Liana and Mike... who are my everything... but I feel like a part of my heart is just empty for that child and what would have been.
So, that's where I'm at today.
Please pray that my decisions are best for me and my family and that if they aren't, God intervenes.
But sometimes, it feels like I'm barely hanging on. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without Mike and especially, Liana. My angel baby here on Earth.
Today was, with all certainty, one of the worst days of my life. And I'm sure that the following days will include at least a few more that can be added to that list.
We had our doctors appointment this morning which was quite disappointing. No new information as our baby slowly deteriorates still in my belly. Think about that one for a second if you will... it's viciously awful.
I haven't known how to update since Monday. In all reality, I'm still numb most of the time. I lose myself and the reality of my current situation by sitting in front of the tv and focusing in on everyone else's problems.... for instance, Derek and Meredith trying to weave their way through the details of dating on Grey's Anatomy. It works for a while, but then there are moments where it just hits me.
Currently, I'm going through one of the most physically and emotionally painful times of my life.
Physically, this baby is still with me. Afternoons seem to be worse... I cramp terribly, bleed more heavily, and just find myself very uncomfortable. I never knew that miscarrying was a process that could last so long.... for some women, this goes on for weeks. The thought of that being my experience terrifies me because as much as I don't want to let me baby go, I also need to move forward. For myself, for Mike, for our families... but mostly, for Liana. It kills me that I'm having to depend on others to be here with us right now because I'm terrified of being alone with her. I worry that my body will finally decide to miscarry when it's just the two of us here and from what I've heard from other moms who have experienced this, that's less than an ideal situation. In the mean time, Mike and my mom are having to take time off from their lives and their jobs to accommodate me and when there aren't "results", I tend to feel even more angry and frustrated than I already am. It's so much less than ideal.... it's a nightmare. I just want to take care of myself and my child again without having to rely on anyone else's sacrifices to do so.
Emotionally, things continue to process.
As I said earlier, this morning was especially tough. We had our appointment with the doctor and I wasn't prepared for what I'd feel when I walked into that office again. Sitting down in the waiting room, I thought about the last time I was there; with Liana and Mike in tow, for our 8 week visit, watching Liana play at the kids table as we waited to get called back for our ultrasound. The minute they called my name and I stood up to walk to the back, I lost it. The nurse was so kind as I said to her in tears, "We were just here and everything was so good then. I can't believe how fast it all changed." She consoled me before leaving the room, at which point Mike took over.
Our doctor entered the room with a look of disappointment on his face. We talked about the harsh realities of miscarriage and about the options ahead of me. Things felt a little rushed and I know he was running behind for the day, but this was the one time I needed him the most to really sit there and talk me through everything. (It was disappointing, I won't deny it. However, I still have all the faith in him as he comes so highly recommended.) He did another ultrasound and at 11 weeks 1 day, our baby now measures 7 weeks 4 days. I was paralyzed by the reality that my baby is actually breaking down within my body... a place that was supposed to be safe for him/her. I saw on the ultrasound screen that the placenta is starting to break down also, which shows progress. However, we discussed the option of a D&C anyways.
Let me say that going into today, I was quite hesitant about the D&C. On the way to the appointment, I expressed to Mike that I'd like to let my body do this on its own. However, now I'm more on the fence.
At this point, I need you to know that I'm not looking for opinions here, so kindly keep those to yourself. I've done the research and I'm not one to make an uneducated decision, so be comforted in knowing that whatever I decide to do, it's with my needs in mind. Mike has said that he just wants me to do what I feel is best for myself and has promised me that he'll support me no matter what my decision is. He realizes that I'm the one suffering most from all of this because like I said in a previous post, he hadn't yet emotionally or physically connected to our baby while I had done both.
There are a thousand reasons behind why I'm taking the route that I am. But ultimately, we have scheduled a D&C for Monday morning. We were given the option to have it done sooner, but that would've felt too rushed and too pressured. Plus, it scares me that if I had it done before the weekend came along and then complications arose, I wouldn't be able to go to Dr. LaGrand as he's not on call this weekend. Monday is nine days after I first started bleeding, so I'm giving my body the time I hope it needs to do this on it's own. But if it doesn't, this is my backup plan and I feel safe and secure in that. For now, most importantly, I also feel peace with that decision and should that change, I can always just cancel.
After talking to our doctor and multiple mothers who have miscarried, most of whom have had a D&C for one reason or another, I decided this was the right choice for me. It allows my body the chance to do this on it's own but it also provides me with a backup plan because emotionally and physically, I just can't do this without a time line. I need closure. I need to know that I can start moving forward.
Right now, that's especially hard to do because I'm so focused on the physical aspect of miscarrying that it's been hard to focus on the emotional aspect of miscarrying. Which I'm ready to process but just can't do.
In addition, I know that either way is going to be traumatic. If I miscarry here at home, I'll always have that visualization in my mind because from what I've been told.... and I'm sorry for getting graphic here but it's the only way for anyone who hasn't experienced this to understand... it can only be described as "giving birth" to fetal tissues and a placenta while sitting on the toilet and bleeding heavily. I don't know that I can handle that moment and that image in my mind. I don't like the idea of a D&C and what it entails but I have to remind myself that my baby is gone... it's only the tissues that remain. And I feel safe with the doctors there so if anything goes wrong, I'm in good hands. Because ultimately, the only thing that matters is that Liana's mommy comes home to her.
There are risks with both options. So, I'm putting it in God's hands until Monday because I need to get back to normalcy... back to my life, back to my daughter, back to work.
So, there it is. Our plan at this moment. It could all change in an instant and I'm okay with that.
As for yesterday, I didn't cry at all... until 10pm. When I finally decided to stop distracting myself and sit down to finish my Belly Book for Baby #2.... 31 weeks too early.
I thought about just throwing it away, but that didn't feel right. This baby was mine. He/she will always be a part of me. He/she deserves to have a belly book as just one memento to remember them by. So I printed off my belly pictures. Glued the ultrasound picture in there.
Printed off the last few days of posts from this blog to add into it. And as I looked at it once it was done, I lost it. So many hopes and dreams were lost when that baby died. I looked at all the empty pages that I won't be able to complete and just cried. Mike heard me from the living room where he was working and came to sit with me. We cried together.
The grief really does sneak up on you sometimes. I know this is fresh, but I still have a hard time believing just how intense it is and how a single thought can bring you to your knees.
Usually, a pregnancy ends with a baby in your arms. My pregnancy is over but my arms are empty and that aches to my core. I have Liana and Mike... who are my everything... but I feel like a part of my heart is just empty for that child and what would have been.
So, that's where I'm at today.
Please pray that my decisions are best for me and my family and that if they aren't, God intervenes.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Day Three.
There's no other way to describe today other than.... weird.
Physically, I'm not in a great place. I cramped a lot today and was pretty uncomfortable at times. With it came more bleeding and more clots.... but still, not what I would consider enough for a miscarriage.
I called the doctor first thing this morning (8:45) and notified the nurse of what happened this weekend. With an "oh this poor girl" tone in her voice, she explained that the doctor was in surgery and wouldn't be in the office until 1:00. She said she'd talk to him once he got back and fill him and then call to let me know when he wanted to see me. Finally, at 4 pm, I called back myself simply because Mike needed to know how to plan for his Tuesday. After talking with the doctor she said they'd like to see me on Wednesday to do another ultrasound and see how things have progressed.
I am so thankful now that I went into that ER on Saturday. I can't even imagine how beside myself I would've been today had I "waited until Monday" like the on-call doc told me to and then got denied a visit.... the same visit that would've told me that my baby had in fact died.
Mike stayed home with me today. He's been such a rock for me these past three days. I may complain about him at times (I mean, he did ask me yesterday morning if he could play hockey last night... no joke...) but God I love that man.
Yesterday, we didn't talk about the baby. Today, we did.
Overall, I'd say that yesterday was rotten. I had company but I wasn't in a good place emotionally for company. As the day went on, I got angrier and angrier. Finally, at 6pm, I changed my mind and actually asked Mike to go to hockey. I just needed the time alone and with my thoughts. And he needed it too. He needed to get out of this house and to do something that made him feel good. I put Liana to bed and then took some time to myself. Only then, after nearly 12 hours and while posting my blog from last night, did I cry. I needed it too.
Today was just weird.
I slept fine. I woke up fine. I colored with Liana, sat around, made lunch. I felt a little dazed and confused at times, but otherwise, no dramatics on my end. (Liana? That's a different story....)
And during naptime, we talked.
I don't feel like I should repeat what Mike said he was feeling because me sharing my feelings for the world to see is very different than me sharing his feelings for the world to see. (See? I do have boundaries!) But I can tell you that he's primarily concerned about me and not as much for himself. While he was excited about our pregnancy, he wasn't yet as connected to that baby as I was. Not surprising at all seeing as the guy doesn't really get to experience the physical changes of pregnancy.
But I realized a lot today about how I'm feeling.
First of all, I'm really struggling with the whole crying aspect of things. Like I've said a few times already, I just feel numb. I want to cry, I feel like I should cry, but the tears just don't flow.
I mean, I watched Oprah today for pete's sake. An episode about a mom and dad who lost all three of their children in a car accident. Two girls and a boy. And then were given the miracle of triplets a year later. Two girls and a boy. Now any other day, I'd be bawling like a baby. But today? Stone cold and not cool.
Part of me wonders if my job has built a wall so high that my emotions can't get through. I mean, my job is to not cry. To be strong for everyone else. To see loss everyday and be the strong one. I've wondered for a long time if I was just having really good boundaries or just being cold to the gravity of it all. Now, I wonder.... do I even know how to grieve?
On Saturday night after we got home from the ER, I spoke with my friend Stephanie (who also miscarried her little one last month at 10.5 weeks) and we talked frankly about how this feels. I asked when it hit her. For her, it was after the physical aspect of it all was "done". She endured the miscarriage.... and then the meds given to induce contractions... and finally a D&C. She said that it wasn't until the physical aspect of the miscarriage was over that it finally hit her.... which I fully believe and honestly think is the same thing I'm experiencing.
Right now, I'm just thinking about the miscarriage. I'm thinking about the cramps, about the bleeding, about the doctors appointment. And when those parts are in my past and there's no distraction left, I think the emotional aspect of miscarriage will hit me. And probably like a ton of bricks.
I also realized today that a piece of Mike and I, someone we created and already loved, is someone we'll never hold. Someone that we'll never know. That child's feet will never walk this earth or pitter patter through our house. I won't feel their kicks, won't hear their voice, won't welcome them to this world. In other words, the reality of the pregnancy... or lack thereof now... hit me. Even more poignant, we have a child in heaven. Someone waiting for us. That realization is really intense. It leaves me feeling connected to my faith in a way I never have. Because quite honestly, this is the first big loss I've ever experienced. My own baby. A part of me.
I struggled with something else today, too.
I was once that girl. The one who thought, "You weren't even that far along. You didn't even get to know your baby. Should this really be so hard?"
God, it kills me now. Because now I understand all too well. And it kills me to think that there are friends of mine out there who might be thinking what I once thought. People who don't understand why I need to put these feelings out there. People who don't understand how hard this is and how it will forever affect who I am.
I know I didn't lose a child. I'm not the mom who lost her 5 year old to cancer... her 16 year old to a car accident.... her newborn to a congenital defect. But I'm a mom who lost her baby. A baby that she already had hopes and dreams about. A baby that she was already so excited to meet and hold. I'm the mom who had a baby that never got a chance.
I struggle with putting my emotions out there for others to judge. I know it might be a consequence of sharing all of these emotions but the real reason I put this all out there is for others to understand. To understand who I am right now. To understand what I'm going through. To understand what I've lost and why this hurts so badly.
I just hope... and seriously pray... that people try to understand me and not judge me. It's the best gift anyone can give me at this point and all I can ask for.
Tomorrow, I'm on my own for the day. I'm scared to be here without Mike and for Liana to count on me for her every need right now. I made Mike promise that if he went to work, that he'd come home if I needed him. He did. So we'll see how this goes. I guess I have to stand on my own two feet at some point.... hopefully I'm ready.
Physically, I'm not in a great place. I cramped a lot today and was pretty uncomfortable at times. With it came more bleeding and more clots.... but still, not what I would consider enough for a miscarriage.
I called the doctor first thing this morning (8:45) and notified the nurse of what happened this weekend. With an "oh this poor girl" tone in her voice, she explained that the doctor was in surgery and wouldn't be in the office until 1:00. She said she'd talk to him once he got back and fill him and then call to let me know when he wanted to see me. Finally, at 4 pm, I called back myself simply because Mike needed to know how to plan for his Tuesday. After talking with the doctor she said they'd like to see me on Wednesday to do another ultrasound and see how things have progressed.
I am so thankful now that I went into that ER on Saturday. I can't even imagine how beside myself I would've been today had I "waited until Monday" like the on-call doc told me to and then got denied a visit.... the same visit that would've told me that my baby had in fact died.
Mike stayed home with me today. He's been such a rock for me these past three days. I may complain about him at times (I mean, he did ask me yesterday morning if he could play hockey last night... no joke...) but God I love that man.
Yesterday, we didn't talk about the baby. Today, we did.
Overall, I'd say that yesterday was rotten. I had company but I wasn't in a good place emotionally for company. As the day went on, I got angrier and angrier. Finally, at 6pm, I changed my mind and actually asked Mike to go to hockey. I just needed the time alone and with my thoughts. And he needed it too. He needed to get out of this house and to do something that made him feel good. I put Liana to bed and then took some time to myself. Only then, after nearly 12 hours and while posting my blog from last night, did I cry. I needed it too.
Today was just weird.
I slept fine. I woke up fine. I colored with Liana, sat around, made lunch. I felt a little dazed and confused at times, but otherwise, no dramatics on my end. (Liana? That's a different story....)
And during naptime, we talked.
I don't feel like I should repeat what Mike said he was feeling because me sharing my feelings for the world to see is very different than me sharing his feelings for the world to see. (See? I do have boundaries!) But I can tell you that he's primarily concerned about me and not as much for himself. While he was excited about our pregnancy, he wasn't yet as connected to that baby as I was. Not surprising at all seeing as the guy doesn't really get to experience the physical changes of pregnancy.
But I realized a lot today about how I'm feeling.
First of all, I'm really struggling with the whole crying aspect of things. Like I've said a few times already, I just feel numb. I want to cry, I feel like I should cry, but the tears just don't flow.
I mean, I watched Oprah today for pete's sake. An episode about a mom and dad who lost all three of their children in a car accident. Two girls and a boy. And then were given the miracle of triplets a year later. Two girls and a boy. Now any other day, I'd be bawling like a baby. But today? Stone cold and not cool.
Part of me wonders if my job has built a wall so high that my emotions can't get through. I mean, my job is to not cry. To be strong for everyone else. To see loss everyday and be the strong one. I've wondered for a long time if I was just having really good boundaries or just being cold to the gravity of it all. Now, I wonder.... do I even know how to grieve?
On Saturday night after we got home from the ER, I spoke with my friend Stephanie (who also miscarried her little one last month at 10.5 weeks) and we talked frankly about how this feels. I asked when it hit her. For her, it was after the physical aspect of it all was "done". She endured the miscarriage.... and then the meds given to induce contractions... and finally a D&C. She said that it wasn't until the physical aspect of the miscarriage was over that it finally hit her.... which I fully believe and honestly think is the same thing I'm experiencing.
Right now, I'm just thinking about the miscarriage. I'm thinking about the cramps, about the bleeding, about the doctors appointment. And when those parts are in my past and there's no distraction left, I think the emotional aspect of miscarriage will hit me. And probably like a ton of bricks.
I also realized today that a piece of Mike and I, someone we created and already loved, is someone we'll never hold. Someone that we'll never know. That child's feet will never walk this earth or pitter patter through our house. I won't feel their kicks, won't hear their voice, won't welcome them to this world. In other words, the reality of the pregnancy... or lack thereof now... hit me. Even more poignant, we have a child in heaven. Someone waiting for us. That realization is really intense. It leaves me feeling connected to my faith in a way I never have. Because quite honestly, this is the first big loss I've ever experienced. My own baby. A part of me.
I struggled with something else today, too.
I was once that girl. The one who thought, "You weren't even that far along. You didn't even get to know your baby. Should this really be so hard?"
God, it kills me now. Because now I understand all too well. And it kills me to think that there are friends of mine out there who might be thinking what I once thought. People who don't understand why I need to put these feelings out there. People who don't understand how hard this is and how it will forever affect who I am.
I know I didn't lose a child. I'm not the mom who lost her 5 year old to cancer... her 16 year old to a car accident.... her newborn to a congenital defect. But I'm a mom who lost her baby. A baby that she already had hopes and dreams about. A baby that she was already so excited to meet and hold. I'm the mom who had a baby that never got a chance.
I struggle with putting my emotions out there for others to judge. I know it might be a consequence of sharing all of these emotions but the real reason I put this all out there is for others to understand. To understand who I am right now. To understand what I'm going through. To understand what I've lost and why this hurts so badly.
I just hope... and seriously pray... that people try to understand me and not judge me. It's the best gift anyone can give me at this point and all I can ask for.
Tomorrow, I'm on my own for the day. I'm scared to be here without Mike and for Liana to count on me for her every need right now. I made Mike promise that if he went to work, that he'd come home if I needed him. He did. So we'll see how this goes. I guess I have to stand on my own two feet at some point.... hopefully I'm ready.
More.
Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that make us hold it together.
I know God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much. -Mother Teresa
Someday you will see the light; all He asks is that you trust Him. Walk by faith, not by sight.
Everyday is amazing. Even if it's awful. Because everything is for a reason. Because I know that this horrible thing that happens today will bring me something amazing tomorrow. –Sandra Bullock
You never know the biggest day of your life is going to be the biggest. The days you think are going to be big ones, they are never as big as you make them out to be in your head. It’s the regular days, the ones that start out normal. Those are the days that end up being the biggest.
“Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.”
never the way we imagined it. –Greys Anatomy
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Trying to process.
For those of you who have known me a while, you know I love quotes. When I don't know which words are just right to fit whatever it is that I'm going through at the moment, I turn to the Word document I have saved in my computer to search for just the right one. I scroll through those 25 pages until I've found something that perfectly fits what I needed to say and instantly, I feel a little bit better.
Today, I realized quickly that I have hundreds of quotes but nothing that fit this situation and how I was feeling just right. So I took to google and came upon these.
And, they allowed me to cry. Something I hadn't yet been able to do today... aside from this morning when I checked my facebook for the first time. So for that, I'm grateful.
Here's the latest additions to that Word document... page 26 has been added. Against all my wishes.
Today, I realized quickly that I have hundreds of quotes but nothing that fit this situation and how I was feeling just right. So I took to google and came upon these.
And, they allowed me to cry. Something I hadn't yet been able to do today... aside from this morning when I checked my facebook for the first time. So for that, I'm grateful.
Here's the latest additions to that Word document... page 26 has been added. Against all my wishes.
"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."
"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"
"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down our babies birth, and whispered as she close the book....."Too beautiful for this earth."
Little footprints
How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint you footsteps have left upon our hearts. -Dorothy Ferguson
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down our babies birth, and whispered as she close the book....."Too beautiful for this earth."
Little footprints
How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint you footsteps have left upon our hearts. -Dorothy Ferguson
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?"
10.4.10...The only picture we have of our baby.... 7 weeks, 6 days.
I still feel numb but my feelings of anger have only gotten stronger as the day went on. I'm scared for tomorrow. I want to cry but the tears don't flow like they should.
I'm not coping well... unfortunately, I'm aware of this.
Please pray.
Not the post I was hoping for....
It's 6 am. I woke up 30 minutes ago, instantly angry. Because this is NOT the post I had intended to write.
For days I've been saying, "I gotta post about our exciting news!". For weeks I've been wanting to, but didn't want to jump the gun too fast.
And then yesterday, it all changed. Literally, in minutes.
Let's start from the beginning.
September 6th...
Woke up on Labor Day morning after weeks of anticipation to take the pregnancy test. Mike and I had tried for this baby through all of August and honest to God, found out that "trying" isn't very much fun. So we both prayed that we'd get it right the first time around... especially seeing as getting pregnant with Liana was the perfect mistake. After two failed tests in the weeks prior (I just couldn't wait....), that line popped up the moment I put that stick down on the counter. I eagerly jumped back into bed with my husband and shared those amazing words, "Guess what?! We're pregnant!" and swelled with joy when I saw the smile on his face. Our family of three was now a family of four.
September 29...
At 7 weeks, I open my email to announce to my playgroup mama's that we're pregnant. Instead, I'm welcomed by an email from one of the mama's, Stephanie, stating that at 10.5 weeks, she just lost her baby. I'm stunned. And now, cautious. With Liana, I screamed the pregnancy from the rooftops the moment I could. With this baby, I waited with caution. Ironic for so many reasons.
October 4th...
Our first prenatal appt with Dr. LaGrand. I saw our baby's flickering heartbeat... a strong one at 156 bpm. He said those magic words that made me feel good. It was something along the lines of, "With a strong heartbeat at 8 weeks, there's less than a 1% chance anything will go wrong from this point forward." Finally, I allowed myself to feel the excitement and throw some caution to the wind.
October 18....
Finally, after weeks of anticipation to share our news, I decide it's time to shout it from the rooftops. On facebook, that is. What joy it was to share with my friends once and for all... and to get such an overwhelming response.
October 21st...
I found some black blood in my underpants, but just a very small amount, while spending the day at Ashley's. It didn't concern me... I knew some bleeding was normal and the blood was obviously old. I didn't find anymore throughout the day or throughout Friday. No biggie right? Wrong....
October 23...
My typical Saturday morning. Get up, get ready for work. Have a donut, blow dry my hair.... you know, the usual. At 8:15, I noticed some cramping but it went away instantly. I chalked it up to "growing pains" and continued on. Within 15 minutes, I felt moisture. I sat down on the toilet and wiped to find blood. More than what should be there. And from there, the freakout occurs. I called the doctor on call (because it's just my luck that this happens on the weekend... when I'm working but no one else is!) and she said "Unless you're bleeding profusely, I won't send you to the ER. But you shouldn't work a 12 today... try only doing five or six hours if possible." I take it in. Then I call Kate, my favorite PA. And my mom. And Liz at work. They all know instantly what's going on. We wait. I get an email from my manager at work saying that she doesn't want me to even think about work and that I have the whole weekend off if I need it. I spoke with Liz again who sternly stated, "Stop worrying about us and worry about yourself. We'll make do. Now go lay down and stay there." I did.
I followed the doctor's advice and prayed it would just go away.
It didn't.
I wasn't bleeding heavily.... just every time I wiped or bent over (TMI? Sorry. Don't you know by now that I'm an open book?). Finally, around 2pm, I called Ashley to tell her what was going on as I had began cramping more and more and was still bleeding. I hadn't wanted to worry her and Erik seeing as they have their own high risk pregnancy going on but I'm so glad I did. Ash told me that I needed to go to the ER and that it wasn't fair to wait until Monday to find out what was going on. With a not-so-little-but-much-needed nudge, Mike and I went. At 3:45 they brought us into our room at the ER... it all went down hill from there.
At 4:30, the attending and the resident brought in the ultrasound machine with a warning, "This is a new machine but it might not be able to see what we need it to see because you're only 11 weeks along." The resident shoved that thing so far into my stomach it left red marks. I saw our baby... but no heartbeat. Then the attending took over. He was gentler (which was much appreciated) but couldn't find anything on the screen. So, to the pelvic ultrasound we went.
5:00. Christine (who was so sweet) entered our room. She did an external ultrasound and again, we saw the baby. No heartbeat. But she felt that it was important to get a better picture, so she showed me the ropes of the pelvic ultrasound. I went to the bathroom before we started and I just prayed while sitting on that toilet... "God, please let this baby be okay. Let this all be one big mistake."
We did it. No heartbeat. I asked her and she verified. "The doctor has to read it for certainty, but I don't see a heartbeat and the baby only measures at about 8 weeks."
Tears streamed down my face as I layed there, looking at the ugly ER ceiling.
She apologized so sincerely and left. And then they could've heard me crying from the halls. I'm sure of it.
It hit us. Me and Mike. Our baby was gone. Along with it, our hopes and our excitement for our new "family to be".
We sat there and both cried for an eternity. Well, an hour, but it felt like an eternity. Mike kept apologizing but this was his baby too. We both said how surreal it all felt.... I mean, things like this don't happen to us. We've always felt so blessed (I know we still are...) and so fortunate when it comes to fertility and pregnancy issues. He held me as I sobbed and when I looked up, his eyes were red too.
Finally around 6pm, the resident came back in with the bad news. No heartbeat and they believe our baby died at 8 weeks... just after that ultrasound in which everything looked so good. I asked what was next and his response was a "wait and see" answer. I asked him to get me out of the ER as quickly as possible.... I just wanted to be home.
At 6:45, as we were walking out the door, the attending stopped us in the hall. He voiced his concerns over the fact that I lost the baby almost three weeks ago but showed no physical signs of miscarriage until today. He said that he almost felt like I should stay overnight to be monitored but that if I really wanted to go home, he'd let me. I really wanted to go home. He told me to call Dr. LaGrand first thing Monday morning and get in there to see what's left inside me. If I haven't miscarried fully within the next few days, he said they'd likely have to do a D&C.... something I really hope to avoid.
We drove home in silence. Actually, we drove home to the sound of texts going off, one after another. I couldn't make that phone call so everyone closest to us got a text. And many "I'm so sorry Haley's..." followed.
God, it feels good to be loved by such amazing friends. Thank you for that.
And here we are. October 24th....
Last night, I was numb. I had cried. I had a headache from all the crying. I was tired and worn. After my sister left, I went to bed. It was 9:30.
I slept hard. And then 5:30 hit.
I woke up this morning instantly angry. Thinking, "this was all just a bad dream, right?" and then I notice the pad in my underwear. The pad that still isn't wet from the lack of blood coming out of my body. (Lovely, right? Don't worry, I think so too.)
Not everyone would post their most intimate feelings here on the internet, for anyone to see. I know that. But, I'm not everyone. I'm an open book and always have been. Quite honestly, I get so much support from facebook and this blog that I'd rather have the support than hold this all inside. And I'd rather talk about it online than in person because, well, in person sucks and makes me cry.
(Note... that doesn't mean you can't ask, or that I don't want you to ask... but I just don't want to tell this story 100x over the next few weeks and months.)
I checked my facebook and again, an overwhelming response. So much love and so much support wrapped up on one little URL. I cried. Quietly as to not wake Mike or Liana.
So here's where I'm at right.now.
I'm pissed.
Because I should be celebrating the transition to maternity clothes... and instead I have to put them away again.
Because I was so flipping excited for a May baby. The whole summer off? Perfect. Having him/her be 6 months by cold and flu season, when they can get their vaccinations? Perfect. To be due the same week as Jessie and JJ? So fun. I had prepared for May. Hoped for May. Celebrated for May. And now, nothing. It's just gone. May might very well be the suckiest month of 2011 for me. We'll wait and see.
Because I don't know what these next few days or weeks are going to hold. I'm scared of the physical aspects of miscarrying. I'm scared that I won't do this naturally and they'll have to do the D&C. I'm scared that this might affect my fertility.
Because I never thought that this would happen to me. It shouldn't happen to anyone. I was naive. And there's no reason it shouldn't happen to me... why not me? But you know what? This SUCKS.
Because I was elated at the thought of finding out whether we were having a boy or girl at Christmas time. And I was elated at the thought of sitting next to Kate and Ashley's hospital beds, when they give birth in January, with a belly of my own and my own reason to be excited for what they'll be experiencing at that moment.
Because God is reminding me that I'm not in control... which I tend to want to be. We all know it's true. And He showed me that my plan isn't necessarily His plan. I hate that, I won't lie. Why couldn't we have been on the same page God?
I'm sure there are plenty more things that will come to light within the next few days.
You know how they say hindsight is always 20/20? Well, it's so true.
I know now why it took me so long to bond with this baby. I thought I was just me being cautious at the time after Stephanie went through what she did. Now, I feel like it might have been one way God was protecting me from the hurt. But still, I'm hurt. The past 2 weeks were ones of bonding for me and our baby.... I was so sure that I was "rounding" out and would have to make the transition to maternity clothes here soon. I fell in love with Liana coming up to my belly, pulling my shirt up and pointing when Mike would say, "Mommy's got a baby in her belly!". I was starting to cradle that belly in my hands throughout the day.... the universal sign for "I'm pregnant and can't wait to feel this little one's kicks."
And while I was bonding, our baby had already died. It kills me.
I now know why I had no morning sickness, no nausea, no extreme exhaustion. With Liana, this all came on at 8 weeks. With this baby, nothing. I kept thinking, "Can I really get this lucky?". Nope, guess not.
And because of the lack of exhaustion or nausea, I was CERTAIN that we were having a boy. I started lists of names. I told Mike that I thought he'd finally be getting his little hockey player. I was so nervous to have a boy, but so excited for Mike.
With Liana, I couldn't wait to scream the news of our pregnancy from the rooftops. Kate had the same reaction with Lily and her baby #2. She mentioned several times how much it surprised her that I had kept our secret for so long and that she didn't know how I did it. Now, I wonder if I should have shared earlier. I wonder if something was wrong all along and that's why I didn't share.... because deep down, I already knew.
At this point, that's all I have. Please keep us in your thoughts this week as I know it's going to be hell around the Kadzban household. Please pray that this miscarriage will take care of itself and that I won't have to endure much more. Please pray that Liana stays happy and healthy and that Mike knows how to best support me and vice versa.
I'll let you know more when I do.
For days I've been saying, "I gotta post about our exciting news!". For weeks I've been wanting to, but didn't want to jump the gun too fast.
And then yesterday, it all changed. Literally, in minutes.
Let's start from the beginning.
September 6th...
Woke up on Labor Day morning after weeks of anticipation to take the pregnancy test. Mike and I had tried for this baby through all of August and honest to God, found out that "trying" isn't very much fun. So we both prayed that we'd get it right the first time around... especially seeing as getting pregnant with Liana was the perfect mistake. After two failed tests in the weeks prior (I just couldn't wait....), that line popped up the moment I put that stick down on the counter. I eagerly jumped back into bed with my husband and shared those amazing words, "Guess what?! We're pregnant!" and swelled with joy when I saw the smile on his face. Our family of three was now a family of four.
September 29...
At 7 weeks, I open my email to announce to my playgroup mama's that we're pregnant. Instead, I'm welcomed by an email from one of the mama's, Stephanie, stating that at 10.5 weeks, she just lost her baby. I'm stunned. And now, cautious. With Liana, I screamed the pregnancy from the rooftops the moment I could. With this baby, I waited with caution. Ironic for so many reasons.
October 4th...
Our first prenatal appt with Dr. LaGrand. I saw our baby's flickering heartbeat... a strong one at 156 bpm. He said those magic words that made me feel good. It was something along the lines of, "With a strong heartbeat at 8 weeks, there's less than a 1% chance anything will go wrong from this point forward." Finally, I allowed myself to feel the excitement and throw some caution to the wind.
October 18....
Finally, after weeks of anticipation to share our news, I decide it's time to shout it from the rooftops. On facebook, that is. What joy it was to share with my friends once and for all... and to get such an overwhelming response.
October 21st...
I found some black blood in my underpants, but just a very small amount, while spending the day at Ashley's. It didn't concern me... I knew some bleeding was normal and the blood was obviously old. I didn't find anymore throughout the day or throughout Friday. No biggie right? Wrong....
October 23...
My typical Saturday morning. Get up, get ready for work. Have a donut, blow dry my hair.... you know, the usual. At 8:15, I noticed some cramping but it went away instantly. I chalked it up to "growing pains" and continued on. Within 15 minutes, I felt moisture. I sat down on the toilet and wiped to find blood. More than what should be there. And from there, the freakout occurs. I called the doctor on call (because it's just my luck that this happens on the weekend... when I'm working but no one else is!) and she said "Unless you're bleeding profusely, I won't send you to the ER. But you shouldn't work a 12 today... try only doing five or six hours if possible." I take it in. Then I call Kate, my favorite PA. And my mom. And Liz at work. They all know instantly what's going on. We wait. I get an email from my manager at work saying that she doesn't want me to even think about work and that I have the whole weekend off if I need it. I spoke with Liz again who sternly stated, "Stop worrying about us and worry about yourself. We'll make do. Now go lay down and stay there." I did.
I followed the doctor's advice and prayed it would just go away.
It didn't.
I wasn't bleeding heavily.... just every time I wiped or bent over (TMI? Sorry. Don't you know by now that I'm an open book?). Finally, around 2pm, I called Ashley to tell her what was going on as I had began cramping more and more and was still bleeding. I hadn't wanted to worry her and Erik seeing as they have their own high risk pregnancy going on but I'm so glad I did. Ash told me that I needed to go to the ER and that it wasn't fair to wait until Monday to find out what was going on. With a not-so-little-but-much-needed nudge, Mike and I went. At 3:45 they brought us into our room at the ER... it all went down hill from there.
At 4:30, the attending and the resident brought in the ultrasound machine with a warning, "This is a new machine but it might not be able to see what we need it to see because you're only 11 weeks along." The resident shoved that thing so far into my stomach it left red marks. I saw our baby... but no heartbeat. Then the attending took over. He was gentler (which was much appreciated) but couldn't find anything on the screen. So, to the pelvic ultrasound we went.
5:00. Christine (who was so sweet) entered our room. She did an external ultrasound and again, we saw the baby. No heartbeat. But she felt that it was important to get a better picture, so she showed me the ropes of the pelvic ultrasound. I went to the bathroom before we started and I just prayed while sitting on that toilet... "God, please let this baby be okay. Let this all be one big mistake."
We did it. No heartbeat. I asked her and she verified. "The doctor has to read it for certainty, but I don't see a heartbeat and the baby only measures at about 8 weeks."
Tears streamed down my face as I layed there, looking at the ugly ER ceiling.
She apologized so sincerely and left. And then they could've heard me crying from the halls. I'm sure of it.
It hit us. Me and Mike. Our baby was gone. Along with it, our hopes and our excitement for our new "family to be".
We sat there and both cried for an eternity. Well, an hour, but it felt like an eternity. Mike kept apologizing but this was his baby too. We both said how surreal it all felt.... I mean, things like this don't happen to us. We've always felt so blessed (I know we still are...) and so fortunate when it comes to fertility and pregnancy issues. He held me as I sobbed and when I looked up, his eyes were red too.
Finally around 6pm, the resident came back in with the bad news. No heartbeat and they believe our baby died at 8 weeks... just after that ultrasound in which everything looked so good. I asked what was next and his response was a "wait and see" answer. I asked him to get me out of the ER as quickly as possible.... I just wanted to be home.
At 6:45, as we were walking out the door, the attending stopped us in the hall. He voiced his concerns over the fact that I lost the baby almost three weeks ago but showed no physical signs of miscarriage until today. He said that he almost felt like I should stay overnight to be monitored but that if I really wanted to go home, he'd let me. I really wanted to go home. He told me to call Dr. LaGrand first thing Monday morning and get in there to see what's left inside me. If I haven't miscarried fully within the next few days, he said they'd likely have to do a D&C.... something I really hope to avoid.
We drove home in silence. Actually, we drove home to the sound of texts going off, one after another. I couldn't make that phone call so everyone closest to us got a text. And many "I'm so sorry Haley's..." followed.
God, it feels good to be loved by such amazing friends. Thank you for that.
And here we are. October 24th....
Last night, I was numb. I had cried. I had a headache from all the crying. I was tired and worn. After my sister left, I went to bed. It was 9:30.
I slept hard. And then 5:30 hit.
I woke up this morning instantly angry. Thinking, "this was all just a bad dream, right?" and then I notice the pad in my underwear. The pad that still isn't wet from the lack of blood coming out of my body. (Lovely, right? Don't worry, I think so too.)
Not everyone would post their most intimate feelings here on the internet, for anyone to see. I know that. But, I'm not everyone. I'm an open book and always have been. Quite honestly, I get so much support from facebook and this blog that I'd rather have the support than hold this all inside. And I'd rather talk about it online than in person because, well, in person sucks and makes me cry.
(Note... that doesn't mean you can't ask, or that I don't want you to ask... but I just don't want to tell this story 100x over the next few weeks and months.)
I checked my facebook and again, an overwhelming response. So much love and so much support wrapped up on one little URL. I cried. Quietly as to not wake Mike or Liana.
So here's where I'm at right.now.
I'm pissed.
Because I should be celebrating the transition to maternity clothes... and instead I have to put them away again.
Because I was so flipping excited for a May baby. The whole summer off? Perfect. Having him/her be 6 months by cold and flu season, when they can get their vaccinations? Perfect. To be due the same week as Jessie and JJ? So fun. I had prepared for May. Hoped for May. Celebrated for May. And now, nothing. It's just gone. May might very well be the suckiest month of 2011 for me. We'll wait and see.
Because I don't know what these next few days or weeks are going to hold. I'm scared of the physical aspects of miscarrying. I'm scared that I won't do this naturally and they'll have to do the D&C. I'm scared that this might affect my fertility.
Because I never thought that this would happen to me. It shouldn't happen to anyone. I was naive. And there's no reason it shouldn't happen to me... why not me? But you know what? This SUCKS.
Because I was elated at the thought of finding out whether we were having a boy or girl at Christmas time. And I was elated at the thought of sitting next to Kate and Ashley's hospital beds, when they give birth in January, with a belly of my own and my own reason to be excited for what they'll be experiencing at that moment.
Because God is reminding me that I'm not in control... which I tend to want to be. We all know it's true. And He showed me that my plan isn't necessarily His plan. I hate that, I won't lie. Why couldn't we have been on the same page God?
I'm sure there are plenty more things that will come to light within the next few days.
You know how they say hindsight is always 20/20? Well, it's so true.
I know now why it took me so long to bond with this baby. I thought I was just me being cautious at the time after Stephanie went through what she did. Now, I feel like it might have been one way God was protecting me from the hurt. But still, I'm hurt. The past 2 weeks were ones of bonding for me and our baby.... I was so sure that I was "rounding" out and would have to make the transition to maternity clothes here soon. I fell in love with Liana coming up to my belly, pulling my shirt up and pointing when Mike would say, "Mommy's got a baby in her belly!". I was starting to cradle that belly in my hands throughout the day.... the universal sign for "I'm pregnant and can't wait to feel this little one's kicks."
And while I was bonding, our baby had already died. It kills me.
I now know why I had no morning sickness, no nausea, no extreme exhaustion. With Liana, this all came on at 8 weeks. With this baby, nothing. I kept thinking, "Can I really get this lucky?". Nope, guess not.
And because of the lack of exhaustion or nausea, I was CERTAIN that we were having a boy. I started lists of names. I told Mike that I thought he'd finally be getting his little hockey player. I was so nervous to have a boy, but so excited for Mike.
With Liana, I couldn't wait to scream the news of our pregnancy from the rooftops. Kate had the same reaction with Lily and her baby #2. She mentioned several times how much it surprised her that I had kept our secret for so long and that she didn't know how I did it. Now, I wonder if I should have shared earlier. I wonder if something was wrong all along and that's why I didn't share.... because deep down, I already knew.
At this point, that's all I have. Please keep us in your thoughts this week as I know it's going to be hell around the Kadzban household. Please pray that this miscarriage will take care of itself and that I won't have to endure much more. Please pray that Liana stays happy and healthy and that Mike knows how to best support me and vice versa.
I'll let you know more when I do.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Where we've been... and where we're headed.
So, things have been strange lately. Hence the lack of updates.
I'm not sure what it is, but I think it's a mix of things going on at once.
1. I'm ready to be off weekends. Well, lets be honest here, I've been ready to be off weekends for FOUR months. I've been patient and understanding, but I'm beyond ready at this point. I've missed many weekend moments and opportunities over the past 2 months that I had hoped to be off for. For example, this weekend is one of my closest friends baby shower (shout out to you, Ash!) and I know I'm going to miss it because I have no more PTO for the year and even though this should be my last weekend (or my first weekend off), we're not there yet. I'm so disappointed at this point. I know the end is near and I'm trying to stay positive, but there are times when that's hard to do. I'm just ready.... and my weekend replacement is not. Frustrating.
2. Physically, I've been feeling drained. And when I feel physically drained, I feel emotionally drained too. I have good days and I have bad and while the good ones seem to come up on the winning end of things, those bad days just suck. Plain and simple. Which brings me to my next thought...
I just don't know how stay at home mom's do it. Mad props to each one of you that might be reading this. And single moms? Well, I bow down to you.
Mike and I had lunch today, just the two of us. It was nice because it gave us some quality time that I feel like we've been missing out on. During lunch we talked and I tried to explain to him how much I NEED to get off weekends. Not only because I hate missing out on stuff, but because I am to the point where I need to feel like I'm not a single parent anymore. I'm going nuts being at home with Liana five days a week and having her every need depend on me and only me while he's at work. I can't keep up with anything; the housework, the laundry, the errands; the appointments; let alone Liana herself. I'm constantly dragging and constantly feeling like an absolute failure. I feel like I fail her because I'm trying to clean the kitchen instead of playing with her. I feel like I fail on keeping up with my household responsibilities because I'd rather be napping during nap time or playing with Liana when she's awake. Honest to God, we have 2 baskets full of clean clothes that have been sitting, unfolded, in our bedroom for nearly 2 weeks now. But every time I get the chance to go upstairs and put them away, there's something else I "should" also be doing. Like napping... which many of you may think of as a luxury, but I find as a necessity because this mama is a better mama when she's not tired. Or emptying the dishwasher. Or calling the cable company. You see where I'm going with this, right? I feel like no matter what I do, it's never enough. I feel like there's always a hundred things on my to-do list which is so overwhelming that some days I can't even muster the energy to start crossing things off. I feel like when my husband comes home and walks into a nightmare of a house, I'm failing him. (I do have to say though, that Mike is amazing. He never calls attention to what I haven't done and steps in right away to help me out with whatever is next on our plate for the day.) And when I feel like I'm letting everyone else down, I'm letting myself down to.
I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. I always thought I'd be great at it. Turns out, I'm really not!! I need a couple days away from this house each week. While I love my home and my family more than anything..... I need time away from both. These walls feel awfully confining when you're the only adult within them 5 days per week.
In addition, there's a huge amount of pressure on me because during those 5 days, it feels like I'm responsible for everything. I'm responsible for taking care of Liana... from the simplest tasks such as feeding her to the bigger tasks such as getting her to her doctor appointments on time or finding a sitter when I have a work meeting or an appointment myself. I'm responsible for everything that comes in or goes out of this house.... groceries, bills, making telephone calls, having someone come in to fix whatever might be broken or work on whatever projects Mike and I don't have time for because of our different work schedules. For all intensive purposes, I am the manager of this household. And I get paid diddly squat.
Now, let me also say that I'm not looking for sympathy here. I'm no dummy.... I know that most mom's feel this way at one point or another. I know this isn't just me. I just wish I could stay on top of things a little bit better.
A day with 30 hours would be nice. Or not needing sleep (or as much sleep) would be nice too. The lowest common denominator of this problem is there just isn't enough time in the day for me to do all the things I'd like to do. And it drives me nuts.
So, I've been struggling lately. I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above the water some days. Thankfully, those are the days I often turn to my support systems to save me. Whether it's dropping Liana off for the afternoon to hang out with my dad while I nap, clean, or run errands; going to playgroup so Liana can interact with other kids (which I intensely enjoy!) and I can decompress with my mommy friends; or making a date with my sister or another friend to head to the mall for an hour or two.... they all save me and my sanity. They help me feel like a better mother, a better wife, and a better me.
I sincerely pray that once I'm off weekends, these feelings are resolved as Mike and I will have our weekends together to a) get stuff accomplished but also b) spend some time parenting together. No longer will it feel like our little world is on my shoulders alone... we'll finally be able to do these things together and support each other in our responsibilities. And only two days alone with Miss Liana? Well, I can totally handle that one... in fact, I bet it'll be great for us. :)
I also think that working the other three days is going to be exceptionally good for me. It'll give me my purpose outside of the home for a few days, an environment where I can have some structure and adults-only time. I thrive on structure and when feeling that I have a professional purpose in this world.
So, that's that. Sorry if that got intense at all... but it felt really good to finally own up to my imperfections as an almost stay at home mom. ;)
In other news....
Liana was incredibly sick last week. She was miserable and I felt so badly for her! The symptoms of her cold came on Wednesday night and things were pretty bad until Saturday. She finally took a turn for the better on Saturday afternoon and today, she continues to have a runny nose but is otherwise feeling almost 100%. She's back to sleeping her regular hours (one 2-3 hour nap during the day and almost 12 hours at night) and is eating us through house and home.
Against my better judgment, I've decided to "let" Mike do one more year of coaching hockey for EGRHS. It came down to a him vs. me situation and I let him win with the understanding that this is, with absolute certainty, his final year coaching. Next year, if he asks to do it again, I will NOT feel badly saying no. (You have it in writing!) As for this year, it boiled down to the understanding that one of us was going to be feeling disappointed and resentful... the question being which one of us would be happy with the outcome and which one of us wouldn't be. Well, I wasn't yet comfortable knowing that he'd be resentful of me all season for "making him quit", so I stepped up to the plate and offered to take one more for the team (pun intended!). As a result, he'll be coaching three nights a week, which is a huge compromise because the team actually has stuff going on six nights each week. In return, I get to do whatever I want with the money (love it!) he makes. I know that come January, when my patience is wearing thin and the team still has two more months of the season left, things will get hairy... but we'll get through it. Because for me, knowing that "this is it!" is all I need for now.
Liana got her first power wheels this week, courtesy of Nana and Papa. If the thing didn't have a 45 lb weight limit, you bet your bottom I'd be riding that thing around the neighborhood with munchkin on my lap! She's a little nervous about it still as it does have some haul to it, but I'm hoping that she'll get comfortable soon because I can't wait to see her ride around on the thing.
We're gearing up for Halloween around the Kadzban household too... though I haven't made much headway on getting out our decorations yet. (Add that to the "I should be doing..." list. As in, "I should be putting out the decorations instead of blogging. ;) At this point, Liana is set to be a little pink bunny... and as Mike says, "Like the kid on A Christmas Story". We may decide on something else if we can ever find the time to go costume shopping together... but lets be realistic here, peeps. Plus, I've had the bunny costume hanging in our closet since early September, so it's probably our reality this year just because it's all ready and set to go. I guess we'll see though!
Finally, it's official.... we've hit the Terrible Two's. I had hoped that this stage of toddlerhood was just a myth, but in fact, it's not. Liana has thrown some mighty temper tantrums these past 2 weeks - they're actually quite impressive, which I think is safe to say came from her mommy's genetics. According to my own mother (who has not-so-gently reminded me multiple times of how I'd be an only child if Brittany hadn't have been an "accident"), I threw some impressive tantrums myself back in the day. Heck, I still throw some pretty impressive ones! ;) Thankfully we haven't experienced one of Liana's out in public yet but I'm taking advice so if you have some to dish out, now's your chance! At this point, she throws a tantrum when we take something away from her that she wants (but isn't supposed to have) or when it's time to go upstairs for her nap or bedtime. So far she's responded well to just support and love, but I'm sure that'll only last for so long. I also must admit that it's ridiculously hard not to laugh at these tantrums... I mean, really? A throw-yourself-down, hyperventilation, crocodile tears tantrum because I took away your crayon that you were just about to use all over my wall? Yeah, it's hard not to laugh sometimes. But, I'm refraining. The last thing I want is for my kid to grow up and be scarred for life because her mommy laughed at her during an emotional upheaval. So wish us luck! I have a feeling we'll need it over the next year or so when dealing with this little princess of ours! ;)
I'll close out this very long post with some of our latest pics. Enjoy, and thanks for listening to me complain about my not-so-perfect-but-yet-I'm-still-so-grateful life. :)
I'm not sure what it is, but I think it's a mix of things going on at once.
1. I'm ready to be off weekends. Well, lets be honest here, I've been ready to be off weekends for FOUR months. I've been patient and understanding, but I'm beyond ready at this point. I've missed many weekend moments and opportunities over the past 2 months that I had hoped to be off for. For example, this weekend is one of my closest friends baby shower (shout out to you, Ash!) and I know I'm going to miss it because I have no more PTO for the year and even though this should be my last weekend (or my first weekend off), we're not there yet. I'm so disappointed at this point. I know the end is near and I'm trying to stay positive, but there are times when that's hard to do. I'm just ready.... and my weekend replacement is not. Frustrating.
2. Physically, I've been feeling drained. And when I feel physically drained, I feel emotionally drained too. I have good days and I have bad and while the good ones seem to come up on the winning end of things, those bad days just suck. Plain and simple. Which brings me to my next thought...
I just don't know how stay at home mom's do it. Mad props to each one of you that might be reading this. And single moms? Well, I bow down to you.
Mike and I had lunch today, just the two of us. It was nice because it gave us some quality time that I feel like we've been missing out on. During lunch we talked and I tried to explain to him how much I NEED to get off weekends. Not only because I hate missing out on stuff, but because I am to the point where I need to feel like I'm not a single parent anymore. I'm going nuts being at home with Liana five days a week and having her every need depend on me and only me while he's at work. I can't keep up with anything; the housework, the laundry, the errands; the appointments; let alone Liana herself. I'm constantly dragging and constantly feeling like an absolute failure. I feel like I fail her because I'm trying to clean the kitchen instead of playing with her. I feel like I fail on keeping up with my household responsibilities because I'd rather be napping during nap time or playing with Liana when she's awake. Honest to God, we have 2 baskets full of clean clothes that have been sitting, unfolded, in our bedroom for nearly 2 weeks now. But every time I get the chance to go upstairs and put them away, there's something else I "should" also be doing. Like napping... which many of you may think of as a luxury, but I find as a necessity because this mama is a better mama when she's not tired. Or emptying the dishwasher. Or calling the cable company. You see where I'm going with this, right? I feel like no matter what I do, it's never enough. I feel like there's always a hundred things on my to-do list which is so overwhelming that some days I can't even muster the energy to start crossing things off. I feel like when my husband comes home and walks into a nightmare of a house, I'm failing him. (I do have to say though, that Mike is amazing. He never calls attention to what I haven't done and steps in right away to help me out with whatever is next on our plate for the day.) And when I feel like I'm letting everyone else down, I'm letting myself down to.
I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. I always thought I'd be great at it. Turns out, I'm really not!! I need a couple days away from this house each week. While I love my home and my family more than anything..... I need time away from both. These walls feel awfully confining when you're the only adult within them 5 days per week.
In addition, there's a huge amount of pressure on me because during those 5 days, it feels like I'm responsible for everything. I'm responsible for taking care of Liana... from the simplest tasks such as feeding her to the bigger tasks such as getting her to her doctor appointments on time or finding a sitter when I have a work meeting or an appointment myself. I'm responsible for everything that comes in or goes out of this house.... groceries, bills, making telephone calls, having someone come in to fix whatever might be broken or work on whatever projects Mike and I don't have time for because of our different work schedules. For all intensive purposes, I am the manager of this household. And I get paid diddly squat.
Now, let me also say that I'm not looking for sympathy here. I'm no dummy.... I know that most mom's feel this way at one point or another. I know this isn't just me. I just wish I could stay on top of things a little bit better.
A day with 30 hours would be nice. Or not needing sleep (or as much sleep) would be nice too. The lowest common denominator of this problem is there just isn't enough time in the day for me to do all the things I'd like to do. And it drives me nuts.
So, I've been struggling lately. I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above the water some days. Thankfully, those are the days I often turn to my support systems to save me. Whether it's dropping Liana off for the afternoon to hang out with my dad while I nap, clean, or run errands; going to playgroup so Liana can interact with other kids (which I intensely enjoy!) and I can decompress with my mommy friends; or making a date with my sister or another friend to head to the mall for an hour or two.... they all save me and my sanity. They help me feel like a better mother, a better wife, and a better me.
I sincerely pray that once I'm off weekends, these feelings are resolved as Mike and I will have our weekends together to a) get stuff accomplished but also b) spend some time parenting together. No longer will it feel like our little world is on my shoulders alone... we'll finally be able to do these things together and support each other in our responsibilities. And only two days alone with Miss Liana? Well, I can totally handle that one... in fact, I bet it'll be great for us. :)
I also think that working the other three days is going to be exceptionally good for me. It'll give me my purpose outside of the home for a few days, an environment where I can have some structure and adults-only time. I thrive on structure and when feeling that I have a professional purpose in this world.
So, that's that. Sorry if that got intense at all... but it felt really good to finally own up to my imperfections as an almost stay at home mom. ;)
In other news....
Liana was incredibly sick last week. She was miserable and I felt so badly for her! The symptoms of her cold came on Wednesday night and things were pretty bad until Saturday. She finally took a turn for the better on Saturday afternoon and today, she continues to have a runny nose but is otherwise feeling almost 100%. She's back to sleeping her regular hours (one 2-3 hour nap during the day and almost 12 hours at night) and is eating us through house and home.
Against my better judgment, I've decided to "let" Mike do one more year of coaching hockey for EGRHS. It came down to a him vs. me situation and I let him win with the understanding that this is, with absolute certainty, his final year coaching. Next year, if he asks to do it again, I will NOT feel badly saying no. (You have it in writing!) As for this year, it boiled down to the understanding that one of us was going to be feeling disappointed and resentful... the question being which one of us would be happy with the outcome and which one of us wouldn't be. Well, I wasn't yet comfortable knowing that he'd be resentful of me all season for "making him quit", so I stepped up to the plate and offered to take one more for the team (pun intended!). As a result, he'll be coaching three nights a week, which is a huge compromise because the team actually has stuff going on six nights each week. In return, I get to do whatever I want with the money (love it!) he makes. I know that come January, when my patience is wearing thin and the team still has two more months of the season left, things will get hairy... but we'll get through it. Because for me, knowing that "this is it!" is all I need for now.
Liana got her first power wheels this week, courtesy of Nana and Papa. If the thing didn't have a 45 lb weight limit, you bet your bottom I'd be riding that thing around the neighborhood with munchkin on my lap! She's a little nervous about it still as it does have some haul to it, but I'm hoping that she'll get comfortable soon because I can't wait to see her ride around on the thing.
We're gearing up for Halloween around the Kadzban household too... though I haven't made much headway on getting out our decorations yet. (Add that to the "I should be doing..." list. As in, "I should be putting out the decorations instead of blogging. ;) At this point, Liana is set to be a little pink bunny... and as Mike says, "Like the kid on A Christmas Story". We may decide on something else if we can ever find the time to go costume shopping together... but lets be realistic here, peeps. Plus, I've had the bunny costume hanging in our closet since early September, so it's probably our reality this year just because it's all ready and set to go. I guess we'll see though!
Finally, it's official.... we've hit the Terrible Two's. I had hoped that this stage of toddlerhood was just a myth, but in fact, it's not. Liana has thrown some mighty temper tantrums these past 2 weeks - they're actually quite impressive, which I think is safe to say came from her mommy's genetics. According to my own mother (who has not-so-gently reminded me multiple times of how I'd be an only child if Brittany hadn't have been an "accident"), I threw some impressive tantrums myself back in the day. Heck, I still throw some pretty impressive ones! ;) Thankfully we haven't experienced one of Liana's out in public yet but I'm taking advice so if you have some to dish out, now's your chance! At this point, she throws a tantrum when we take something away from her that she wants (but isn't supposed to have) or when it's time to go upstairs for her nap or bedtime. So far she's responded well to just support and love, but I'm sure that'll only last for so long. I also must admit that it's ridiculously hard not to laugh at these tantrums... I mean, really? A throw-yourself-down, hyperventilation, crocodile tears tantrum because I took away your crayon that you were just about to use all over my wall? Yeah, it's hard not to laugh sometimes. But, I'm refraining. The last thing I want is for my kid to grow up and be scarred for life because her mommy laughed at her during an emotional upheaval. So wish us luck! I have a feeling we'll need it over the next year or so when dealing with this little princess of ours! ;)
I'll close out this very long post with some of our latest pics. Enjoy, and thanks for listening to me complain about my not-so-perfect-but-yet-I'm-still-so-grateful life. :)
9.21... Playgroup kiddos!
Wearing a summer dress for one last time....
"But Mom, I want to sweep the carpet!"
Oh yes, be jealous. We've entered into the terrible two's!
Oh how I love that sweet face.
Liana on her slide and enjoying the beautiful fall weather!
I wake up to this every morning.... it may not be a lake, but it's the next best thing. :)
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