Mommy Confessional: I'm a crappy mom, amongst other things.

I like to keep things real here, so I'm about to write the first post of what will probably be many in a series I will call "Mommy Confessional".

Confession: I'm a crappy mom.

Okay, now before you jump all over me about this, hear me out.

Granted, I don't beat my kids and I love them more than life itself. But still, I'm crappy.

(Stop yelling at me inside that head of yours and listen.)

My most recent case in point: Tonight, while cleaning the kitchen after a week of papers and other stuff piling up on the dining room table we never use anymore, I came across a piece of paper sent home with Liana from preschool. Upon reading it I realized that sure enough, I'm a crappy mom.

For roughly three weeks now, Liana has been asking Mike and I each morning while we get ready for preschool if she can bring something in for show and tell. As there have been many handouts sent home in the past asking parents not to let their kids bring toys from home, I've answered Liana's request with a "no" time and time again. I did think it was strange that she kept asking me such a thing but her teacher hadn't mentioned anything to me about it so I just figured she was using the whole "show and tell" bit in order to manipulate me (she's good at that these days) and bring a toy to school.

After reading the handout sent home yesterday, I went to the fridge where I've had another handout posted since late February. I look at it every day but I guess it's been a while, if ever, since I truly read through it. Again it reads that on each Thursday for the month of March, Liana was invited to bring in a special toy to "show and tell" to the rest of the class.

Stellar.

I'm mad at myself. This isn't the first time I've screwed up and my kid has paid the price for it. I feel terrible that I was just ignoring her requests to bring something in and even presumed it as another one of her manipulation tactics. I feel equally terrible that for the past four weeks she's probably been the only one in her class that's come to school each Thursday without something to "show and tell". I bet her teachers have chalked this up to another instance in which Mrs. Kadzban didn't have her "A" game on.

My cleaning quickly came to a screeching stop when I discovered my misgiving. I sat down on the couch, pouting like it was nobody's business.

And while I sat there I came to a whole other realization: Okay, maybe I'm not a crappy mom. I mean, I do love my kids to ends of the world. But I'm definitely not an A+ mom, nor am I even an A- mom.

As in all other areas of my life, I'm a "B-" at being a mom.

It's kind of funny in a way. Not "ha ha" funny, but ironic funny.

In every area of my life, I'd give myself a B or a B- grade.

Throughout all of high school, I was the student who didn't want to put in any more effort than what was absolutely necessary. This often equated to a B- in each of my grades. Sometimes I'd get lucky and come out with a B or a B+ even but the majority of the time, it was a B-.

In undergrad, I learned pretty quickly that it was going to take a lot more work to maintain that "just better than average" grade. But even with all that extra effort I usually came out of each course with a B or B- grade.

At home, I'm definitely a B or a B-.

I lack in being domestic. My cooking is subpar... I only have a few meals that I feel confident in cooking, so we have those meals routinely. They include simple dishes like: Spaghetti. Baked chicken. Chicken fajitas. Tacos. Enchiladas. Chili. I know how to defrost a steak so sometimes we'll go a little nuts and put those on the grill. (Did you sense the sarcasm there?!) My side dishes often come from a box or a bag, including Betty Crocker mashed or cheesy potatoes, frozen veggies, rice or bread and butter. (I know, it's embarrassing.) And baking? Well, that's obsolete in this household. For the life of me I can't bake cookies without burning the bottoms no matter how hard I try. I can make a cake or some brownies but as in all other things, these always come from a box. Again, embarrasing.

I can do laundry, but I certainly wouldn't call myself "good" at it. Ask me how to get a stain out of a shirt and I'll call my mom and have her tell you. I'm infamously bad at shrinking Mike's clothes so now he has a separate pile for those which I'm not allowed to touch. I still don't know whether I should be using warm or cold water but I always use warm because it makes me feel like I'm getting the clothes "cleaner" by doing so. As a result of this though, my colors are dull and my sweaters look worn. Me doing the laundry gets us by but we certainly pay for it in the process.

My house isn't always clean. In fact, it's usually not. Between the toys and the sippy cups thrown all over my floors, the puffs of dog hair lining my floorboards, and the dirty dishes in the sink, it's gross. Even I think so. I try to keep up with it but most days I just can't. It's like a tornado comes each morning, cycloning itself through the walls of my house for the next 12 hours, and then disappears again at bedtime with one hell of a mess left in it's wake. Truth be told, there are many nights we just let the mess sit because we're too tired and lazy to do anything about it.

As a wife, I'm again just mediocre. I want so badly to be as good of a spouse to my husband as he (usually) is to me. But the reality is that sometimes, my fuse runs short and Mike is there to feel the wrath of his overwhelmed and short-tempered wife. On a really bad day, I find myself thinking about all the ways in which he got screwed over by marrying me. (I say that only somewhat jokingly.)

When it comes to being a mom though, this is where I struggle the most when I find myself being a "B-". There are a lot of days where I struggle with my kids more than I enjoy them. I snap at Liana because she refuses to listen or I ignore Lukas because he's constantly fussing and crying. We don't go outside because it's "too much work" to get them all bundled up for the ten minutes we'll be out there. I don't take them both to the store with me because it's just easier to leave one or both of them at home. I'll play on the floor with them but I don't usually do things like crafts because I don't have a lot of interest in it. I look forward to nap time and bed time so much that I then feel guilty about it. I'm not the mom that puts a ton of thought into birthday party themes and spends weeks preparing a menu plan nor am I the mom that knows how to sew special outfits or blankets for my kids. When it comes to being a mom, I often find myself feeling overwhelmed and stressed when all I want to be doing is enjoying my kids and being the mom that they deserve.

I want to be a perfect mom to them. I want them to look at me and think that I'm the best thing since sliced bread. I want them to see me for all the ways I do love them and for none of the ways I fail them. But reality is, they see me for both.

I'm far from perfect. My life is far from perfect.

Maybe someday, I'll find something I excel in. Something I get an A in rather than a B. I just hope that my kids and my husband love me in spite of my shortfalls because even though I yell, I can't cook and I run away every now and again because I just need to get away from them, I love them with every fiber of my soul. So maybe that will be it - the one thing I'll always be good at is telling them how they rock my world and I couldn't imagine my life without them. <3

True story.

The end.