Two months!

How is my sweet little boy already two months old?!

I can't believe how quickly the time flies. It feels like just yesterday that I was pissing and moaning about pregnancy and how ready I was to be done with it and now here we are. I'm only a few weeks away from returning to work (which I'm less than eager to do) and wondering where all of the time has gone.

Many of you have inquired as to how Lukas is doing these days. Joyfully, I tell you that things are getting better. Somewhere around the 6 week mark we started to notice a change in him and then last week, at the 8 week mark, things got even better. My "always fussy" baby is no longer fussy all the time which makes for a much happier home. Mike is finally breathing again, I'm able to relax a little, and Liana is thriving as a big sister to her little brother.

Life is good!

After all has been said and done, I feel like the root of our problems was simple.... gas. Liana had her own issues with gas as a newborn (every night, like clockwork, she'd scream for an hour while writhing in pain) but Lukas's were far worse. Every time he ate he swallowed lots of air and nothing I tried help. As a result, his belly was constantly upset and with this on top of his reflux, well, things got rough. I thought Mike, my usually-so-patient husband, was going to lose it a few times and wondered if maybe one day he might just decide not to come home from work. Thankfully, that never happened. With Lukas now being a more "normal" baby in terms of his personality and routines, our family can finally enjoy him more. What a welcome relief!!!

At two months, Lukas is definitely starting to show us more of his personality. He does still have his fussy times and I'm reminded daily that he may be more like his mother than any of us hoped he would be. He's stubborn as a mule with a temper you wouldn't believe!! He hates being put into his car seat but once you get him moving, he settles right down. In the car, he'll sleep until you stop so I always pray not to hit any really long red lights. He's incredibly sensitive to movement and likes to be on the go all the time. At two months old and without the ability to handle this himself, that often leaves me exhausted from walking and bouncing with him all.day.long. My gut tells me that in a few months though when he's on the go by himself, I'll still find myself exhausted but in a very different way. :)

Unlike his sister, he doesn't often want his pacifier (aka paci). I'm still not sure whether he'll change his opinion on this but as long as I don't find his thumb in his mouth, I'm okay with it. He's not a snuggly baby but neither was his sister, so I'm not terribly surprised by this. While we're finally starting to see a daytime routine form, his nighttime routine has been pretty regular from the get-go.... "awake time" from 6-9pm, feed, swaddle, sleep. He's usually down around 10pm and will almost always sleep until 3:30 or 4am. While his nighttime feedings used to last about an hour (his daytime feedings still do...), he's mastered this art just this week and they now only last about 15 minutes! Then it's back to bed we go (he's still sleeping in the bassinet next to our bed) and up again around 7/7:30a. Again we feed and he'll fall back asleep. While he takes this morning "nap", I shower and get Liana and I ready for the day.

So far, I'm quite happy with this routine. I feel rested and ready to take on the world which is great because two kids, while twice as nice, is also twice as hard!!!

In the past week, Lukas has started to do some other things too. He's getting better about taking a bottle which is huge because for a while there I was really nervous that he wasn't going to handle it well once I went back to work. We are usually giving him one bottle a day to help with this and its either breast milk or soy formula. For a while I thought he had a milk protein intolerance but as I've been testing the boundaries with this, I'm doubtful he does. So I hope to transition him to milk-based formula soon. (However, I do consider him an almost exclusively-breastfed baby as 90% of his feedings aren't from a bottle.) His smile is becoming more prominent and we see it more and more each day. He can track things from across the room now and clearly responds to certain voices. While it doesn't happen too often yet, his laughter is music to my ears whenever I hear it.  And while he likes to be held (outward facing) most of the time, I have noticed this past week that he's doing better about sitting in his bouncer seat for periods of time. His swing, on the other hand, is a different story. He hates it! (Unless he's sleeping.)

Liana loves her little brother and is doing remarkably well with him. Last week, during a particularly difficult and fussy day, my mom came to pick Lukas up to give me some "girl time" with Liana. As Liana watched my mom's car pull out of the driveway, she started crying and saying, "I want my baby back! I want Lukas back!". It was so sweet. She dotes on him by bringing him his paci or a blanket whenever she thinks he needs one. I find her kissing him on the forehead and singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" to him when he gets upset. And while she loves her little brother, it's pretty obvious he's smitten by her too.... he loves to watch her run around like the crazy child she is. If she's in the room and he can see her, his eyes are glued to her like white on rice.

Life at home is good. My maternity leave ends January 18th which means I have three weeks left before I have to leave this time in my life behind. While I always thought I couldn't be a stay at home mom, I've quickly realized over the past nine weeks that my heart is here at home. I wish so much that we could afford for me to stay home with the kids full time but the reality is, we can't. With that being said though, I've come to appreciate my job even more because I am so blessed to be in the position that I am, working an average of 20 hours per week, being able to carry our benefits, and doing a job that I love and find meaning in. If I can't be at home with my kids, this is the next best place for me to be. :)

I am incredibly anxious about going back though. When I transitioned out of my weekend position, Liana was 17 months old. She was able to verbalize her needs to my dad, who has been her primary daycare provider. Lukas, obviously, isn't able to do this. For that reason, I worry. For that reason, I wish even more that I could stay home.

Life in the Kadzban household remains chaotic... but thankfully not as much as it was just a few short weeks ago.

So, there's my update for now. Wish me luck as I cope with heading back to work soon and if you feel so inclined, please pray that Lukas only continues to get better and easier to care for so that I don't have to worry so much. <3

Disposable.

My heart needs to write. So, here I am.

For the past week, there's been a quote that has stayed in the forefront of my mind.

"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew." 

-  Henry Rollins -

I can't tell you just how true this is.

Before I go any further, let me say this... I'm not perfect nor would I ever claim to be. I remind myself each day through my thoughts, behaviors, and actions that I am still a work in progress. I'm a person that is often guided (or misguided) by her emotions and at times, this makes me irrational and quick to react. It's one of my biggest faults.

Now with that being said, one thing I have learned about myself in the past five years is that if I love you, I will use everything in me to not react to a situation that might damage our relationship because I value it too much. I learned that lesson the hard way once and vowed I'd never do it again.

In spite of this, there have been a few times in my life where I've lost friendships that I didn't expect to lose. Most of them were during my younger years and occurred simply because we grew apart as we grew up. But over the last few years, I've lost two friendships that I expected to last a lifetime. In fact, both of these people were in our wedding... a wedding party Mike and I chose based on who we felt would be in our lives for the long haul. (Hence the reason our wedding party was quite small.)

I hate it when I'm wrong.

One loss was a few years ago and one was much more recently. With the addition of this second loss, I've found myself really struggling with why this has happened twice now.

I have so many questions running through my head. Questions like:

How did I get here again? What did I do to deserve this?
Why did you ask something of me and when I couldn't deliver it, you throw our friendship away? Why was our friendship conditional to you?
How are you content with not being a part of my (or my kids) life? Or not having me be a part of yours?
While it feels like I did everything I could have to prevent this, could I have done more?
Are my expectations of my close friendships too high?
Why didn't you show us the same respect of thinking before reacting that we showed you? After all those years of friendship, it seems like we owed that to each other.
I miss you... don't you miss me/us too? Or are you just unwilling to admit it?

My heart just feels broken. I don't know why my friendship to these people was so disposable, why they could walk away so easily after so many years.

I know it hasn't been that easy for me. It saddens me so deeply that at this point I won't get to be a part of their lives... see them have children... share in the joys and the sorrows that life dishes out. It also saddens me that they won't get to be a part of my life... know my children as they grow... share in my own joy and sorrows.

Every time I look at our wedding photos, my heart becomes heavy now. The one thing I had hoped to avoid when choosing our wedding party has happened.

I've often wondered if maybe I put too much stock into people. Maybe I trust them too deeply. I've always been the kind of girl who would rather have a few very close friends rather than a lot of acquaintances (though I seem to have a lot of those these days too, thankfully). Maybe that's my recipe for disaster. Maybe it places too much pressure on my friendships.

But what would life be without those close friendships? It seems like it would be more lonely. Less intimate. Less meaningful.

I am so blessed to have the friends I do, even after losing these two very important people. I'm thankful to have my husband, who truly has been my best friend (even when he's also been a royal pain!) for the past 11 years. His friendship really has been unconditional.... he's seen the best and worst of me and still, we're there for each other. He chooses to love me rather than leave me. He's stuck by my side through both of these ordeals (as they have directly impacted him and his friendships, as well) and supported me the best that he could. I'm thankful to have a few girlfriends that I'd move mountains for because their friendships really do feel unconditional. We may talk every day or every few weeks but regardless of where on this spectrum they fall, the friendships remained strong. I'm thankful for my sister and my mom, both of whom have also seen me through the best and worst my life has had to offer and who I consider friends in addition to family.

I place a lot of stock into these existing friendships.

I pray that they remain strong and that twenty years down the road, I'll look beside me and they'll still be standing there. Having stood the test of time.

I pray that someday I'll understand why this had to happen. I pray that someday I'll look back and no longer doubt what I could have done differently.

I pray that I find peace in all of this. Closure.

And if I'm to be completely honest, I admit that I still find myself praying that someday, somehow, these two people make it back into my life. It's happened before, only time will tell if it could happen again. <3

Newborn Pictures.

 

 

Liana's best.

So the Kranz's left the Kadzban household yesterday morning after a long weekend of visiting and I have to admit that watching their van pull away left me crunching my nose a little... the only thing I know to do when I want to stop the tears from flowing.

After they left, I sat on the couch while feeding Lukas and couldn't help but wonder why it's always so hard on me when they go. Then it hit me....

I hate the transition of watching Liana play so joyfully with Lily (most of the time) to once again being by herself.

Watching these two run around together brings a happiness to my heart that not many other things can. Sure, they have their moments... in fact, at the ripe age of 2, they seem to be having a lot more these days as they struggle to learn the whole concept of sharing.  But more often than not you'll find these girls giggling like the best of friends.

Without even knowing it or trying to, Lily has given something to my daughter that is irreplaceable. A best friend. Someone to giggle with. Get into trouble with. Play relentlessly with. Fight with and then quickly make up with. They love each other in spite of their faults and for their strengths. They're there to teach other important life lessons... even though right now those life lessons may range from small issues such as using a public potty to big issues like learning how to share and be kind to others.

When these two girls are together, my heart overflows at watching how happy Liana is. But it also brings with it a lot of sadness because inevitably, it always has to end. I hate that some of our closest friends live hours away and that these play dates can't happen more than once every few months.

Someday, I pray that Liana and Lukas have an overabundance of friends and cousins to play with because right now, they don't. That's been one of the many struggles I've faced with having kids so much earlier than our siblings or our friends have. I feel Liana's loneliness, even when she probably doesn't, to my core.

Lillian Paige, thank you for being Liana's best. And Lily's mom, thanks for being one of mine too. <3

A quick update.

It's incredibly hard to believe that Lukas is four weeks old on Thursday and officially a month old on Sunday.

Where has the time gone?!

I hate to say this but a big part of me is relieved that it's flying by for one simple reason....

Reflux .

While Lukas' first two weeks of life seemed to go by without much of a hitch, week three and four have been trying to say the least. As any mother would, I struggle with seeing my sweet little boy in pain and not knowing just how to fix it. I took him in for his 2 week checkup last week (even though he was nearly 3 weeks) and Dr. Maki prescribed him Zantac. I'm still undecided on whether or not it's helping as some days are better than others. I pray that we continue to see some progress made over the coming days and if not, I pray that Dr. Maki will put him on Prevacid as that seems to have helped a lot of other kiddos I know who have also struggled with reflux .

In the mean time, my days are frazzled. On the "bad" days, I'm trying to calm a baby that screams just about all day long. While I'm doing this, I can actually see my sweet Liana falling into emotional pieces as she struggles with this reflux in her own way. After all, it's not easy going from being an only child to now competing for your family's attention with a little brother who's needs are currently high. The mix of watching both of my kids struggle physically and emotionally leaves me struggling myself. Sometimes, I just have to let the tears flow or else I know I might just explode.

Regardless of whether a day is "good" or "bad", we are adjusting to life as four. I love this new family of mine and I love watching both of my children grow. I can already see such a difference in Lukas as he's starting to look like less of a newborn and more of a baby. Thankfully, he sleeps well and typically wakes me up only once, sometimes twice, a night.

 

(The only kind of work out Mike's fitting in these days!!!)

There's not much other news to report at this point. I'll apologize now for a lack of regular updates.... things are too crazy around here right now to sit in front of a computer for any length of time and write. <3

Lukas Ryan Kadzban.

So....

On Thursday, October 27th at exactly 12:01 pm, Mike and I welcomed Lukas Ryan into this world. He weighed 7 lbs, 4oz and was 20 inches long. Every inch, every ounce is pure perfection.

Thank you, Lord.

That Thursday morning started out almost like any other. Mike, Liana, and I got up, got showered and got dressed. I was too busy running around the house to feel the anxiety creeping up on me. My parents arrived at 8:45 that morning to pick up Liana as she was going to spend the morning and afternoon with them while her Daddy and I welcomed little Lukas into this world. Saying goodbye that morning was terrifying and exciting all at the same time.... terrifying because her mama was about to have surgery and exciting because her brother was about to officially enter our lives. I kissed my sweet girl goodbye and five minutes later, Mike and I were on the road ourselves.

As we drove, the anxiety slowly started increasing.

We arrived at the hospital to answer a barrage of questions like, "Are you having contractions? Did your water break?" to which I ironically answered with "No". After a minute or so of questioning by the triage nurse, I explained that I was there for a scheduled c-section. They had me sit down and five minutes later, I was being escorted back to Labor and Delivery for surgical prep.

I stripped down to my gown and my nurse entered. She placed the monitors on my belly and within minutes said, "Do you know you're having contractions? They're 10 minutes apart."

Obviously, I hadn't known... but this was music to my ears. One of my biggest disappointments all along in deciding to have a c-section was knowing that I was choosing my baby's birth date rather than let my body or my baby choose which day was best. Upon hearing that I was contracting, my heart felt more at ease.... this baby would've been coming soon anyways. I sighed with pure relief.

Well, for a moment.

Over the next hour and a half, the nurses prepared me for what was still to come. Before I knew it though, it was 11 am.... just 30 minutes before my surgery was scheduled to begin. It was at that point that the nerves hit hard.

I was scared of so many things.... being cut open, getting the spinal block, what our son would feel and think as Dr. LaGrand pulled him out of his home for the past 9 months, the recovery, and whether or not something might go wrong.

I asked for an anti-anxiety med but for whatever reason, the anesthesiologist didn't want to give it to me. So instead, I just tried to breathe... and not cry.

At 11:38, they walked me back to the O.R.

In all honesty, that room was one of the scariest aspects to my day. So white, so cold (both figuratively and literally), so uninviting. I had three doctors, four nurses, an anesthesiologist and a couple of surgical techs all standing around me with gowns and masks on. They sat me on the operating table and within minutes, the anesthesiologist was putting my spinal block in place while her nurse stood in front of me, holding me and talking me through it. It was there that I lost it.

Because Mike wasn't allowed to enter the O.R. until 15 minutes after I had done so, the anesthesiologist comforted me as she stood at the head of my operating table. While she had initially seemed as cold as that operating room itself, I was so grateful to have her by my side until Mike arrived. By the time he finally did, I was drowning in silent tears. Also by the time he entered, Dr. LaGrand had already made his incision.

Mike sat at the head of my operating table, holding my hand, for only a few minutes before Dr. LaGrand announced, "Are we ready to have a baby?"

And then he stood, just in time to watch Lukas be born.

I couldn't see Lukas but the moment I heard his cries, every ounce of fear washed away from me. I watched my husband's expression as he laid eyes on his son for the first time and I began to bawl.

I reassured everyone in the room that these were tears of joy, not tears of pain, fear, or sorrow.

Lukas' nurse laid him on the warming table and cleaned him up. Unfortunately, I couldn't see him during this part as the blue curtain that prevented me from seeing the surgery had gotten bumped and was now at an angle... an angle that kept Lukas just out of my sight. But I could hear him and I could see Mike and frankly, that was all that mattered in that moment. Mike went to his side and tried to calm our wailing baby boy as the nurse cleaned him up and then, she placed Lukas into his arms. So quickly, Lukas went quiet. He knew he was in good hands and so did I.

Despite the fact that this child grew inside me for nine months and I felt him move often... very, very often... reality didn't hit me until the first moment I laid my eyes on him. All I could think was, "Wow, there he is. My baby boy. He really is real and he really is mine."

I didn't hold Lukas for nearly 45 minutes after he was born. Not because I couldn't but because I didn't feel physically ready. Like I said before though, my heart was okay with that as I knew he was in the loving and very capable hands of his daddy. His daddy who was obviously so ready himself to meet this little boy and so joyful over finally doing so.

The rest of Lukas' birth day is quite the blur. I remember calling my mom as soon as I had Lukas in my arms and the nurses left me alone for a short while. I remember hearing her on the other end, crying the minute she realized it was me on the phone. I remember Mike sending out a text announcing Lukas' birth and the constant beeps of return texts saying "Congratulations!!".

I remember the moment my parents arrived at my hospital room and walked Liana in to meet her baby brother. I remember the concern that came across her face as she saw me sitting in a hospital bed, unable to move much. She was enamored with her "baby brother" from the start.... the baby brother she named, in fact. Had it not been for Liana, Lukas could have been a Jacob but she was persistent and each time she was asked which name she preferred, she answered the same.... "Lukas". And so it was, Lukas Ryan Kadzban.

From the moment he was born, Lukas has been nothing short of a miracle in our lives. He feels like the missing puzzle piece to our family... a piece I was desperately hoping to find ever since I received this email almost one year ago.

My heart is overflowing with joy. Not only because Lukas has helped further heal my own heart and brought even more love into my life, but because I see the love his daddy and sister have for him too.

Lukas Ryan is now ten days old. Honestly, the time already feels like it's racing by. It feels like forever ago that I was huge and pregnant when in fact it was only two weeks ago. He's an amazing baby that has melted so perfectly into our lives and made it better... happier... fuller. His temperament is sweet and mild-mannered... unless your changing his clothes or his diaper, of course! Breastfeeding is going exceptionally well this time around which is a drastic change from what I experienced with Liana.

Life as four does have its challenges, but life as four is everything we had hoped it would be. And more.

Lukas Ryan, I cannot wait to watch you grow. Your sister may have started me on this journey through motherhood... but I can't wait to see how you continue it.

 39 weeks and ready to meet our little guy!

 Welcome to the world, Lukas!

 The three loves of my life. 

 2 days old.

 My kiddos on Halloween!

 11.2.11.... 6 days old.

 11.3.11... One week old and Lukas' original due date!

11.6.11... A little out of focus but Liana's first time holding baby Lukas!

One. Two. Three becomes FOUR.

So, I got an intense reality check this morning....

Today is my last day as a mommy of ONE.

Tomorrow, my sweet Liana becomes a big sister and Mike and I become parents of TWO.

Wow.

So here's some snippets of how we spent our final hours as a family of THREE before becoming a family of FOUR. (I meant to take more pictures but the day kind of got away from me a little.)

 Kisses for Bauer

 Oops.... Mommy made a mess all over the ceiling and Daddy had to clean it up. :)

Enjoying some ice cream before bed as a special treat!

I can't believe that in 12 hours, we'll be pulling into the hospital and getting ready to welcome our little boy into this world and into our arms.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about the c-section.... but I'm so ready to meet him that at this point, I'd do just about anything to see his sweet face. To kiss those sweet cheeks. To see Mike hold his son.

And later in the day, to see Liana meet her baby brother for the very first time. I can't even imagine the joy that moment will bring to my heart. Or the tears that may fall from my eyes.

Ready or not, here we go....

Three becomes four. <3