I've intentionally not updated for a while now, which should come as no surprise to anyone.
I'm actually planning to shut the blog down sooner rather than later but for some reason, I just feel like this post needs to be written. It's too much work keeping this up anymore and quite frankly, I'm ready to focus my energy on other things. On average, it takes me an hour to write one post because I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to putting my thoughts into words. It's not worth it anymore... that's an hour I could be spending with my kids, or Mike, on myself or getting something done. So more than likely, this will be my last post.
Things have been different lately. The last time I wrote about me, I wasn't in a good place. The first three months of the year were pretty ruthless on this heart of mine. I sunk to the lowest of lows, missing my Dad and coming to grips with the reality of our situation. During those three months, my whole world changed all over again. It seriously felt as though the foundation I had been standing on for the past year (and in some cases, even longer) was crumbling below me. Mike and I had some of our darkest of days as a married couple, I was a mess of a mother, a mess of an employee, a mess of a daughter & sister. My world was in shambles.
In April, I received a letter from my Dad. There wasn't anything special to it, it just was what it was. I could see the way in which he was trying to garnish my attention and sympathy, discussing the dramatics that goes on around him on a daily basis. After a few weeks, I mailed him back but kept my letter short and to the point: I miss the man you were, not the man you have been... Liana and Lukas are doing well.... The end.
My hope all this time was that he would see that I was trying so desperately to extend an olive branch to him. I was praying that one day, he'd let down that wall he had built so high and actually let me in. He'd see that while I loved him, I wasn't going to let him hurt me again. I hoped that he would eventually see my actions as those done in love, not out of hate. I even hoped that maybe, just maybe, someday he'd take ownership of what he did and apologize for how he had devastated us all.
May 6th, I got a second letter. It started out well enough, talking about how he misses Liana and Lukas and how he can't stand the thought of missing out on their lives. But before I knew it, "bad dad" began to rear his ugly head again. He blamed me for everything that had happened, accused me of trying to steal everything he had, told me that I never gave him the "benefit of the doubt" and swore up and down that none of this had been premeditated (which is such a joke). He told me not to send any more care packages (we had sent one in March) because he's "better off without them". Essentially, he told me never to try and have contact with him again and then proceeded to remind me of his wishes for funeral plans.
Needless to say, I was crushed one last and final time. How could he treat me this way? I was trying to take care of him the only way I knew how but instead of seeing the good I was trying to do, he only saw my actions as evil.
Oh the irony.
I wallowed for a while after that last letter came. Then a few days later I realized something that probably seems so simple to the rest of you.... He's just not worth it.
I wish he was. I wish I had a dad that loved me selflessly. But the fact of the matter is, I don't. My father is one of the most selfish and self-absorbed people I've ever met.
And yes, it pains me to say that. But the truth so often hurts, doesn't it?
Since then, I've been better. I haven't thought much about him because it doesn't do me any good. I've let go a lot of the anger and grief I had been holding on to. There's been so many big changes in my life so far in 2014, both dealing with the loss of my dad and others I had been close to. There's been a lot of loss.
But for the first time in a long time, I feel good. I feel like I've made it through the storm and the sun is finally shining again. My heart feels lighter. I look back and see this past year as a test- one which I've passed. My life doesn't feel devoid of anything or anyone.... it feels like this is exactly the way it's supposed to be. I look at my friendships and relationships differently now... these are the people that stood by my side through my darkest of days and came out on the other side with me. They're the ones that held me up when I felt like I was falling. There were people who I thought would be at the finish line with me but weren't. However, I'm at peace knowing that's the way it was supposed to be.
After nearly 15 months, I hope that I am free from my grief... at least for a long while. (I still dread the day I get a telephone call from my sister saying that something is wrong or that he's gone.)
Our day-to-day life is busier than ever. I find so much joy in watching my kids grow and trying to embrace the time we have together as I know it's fleeting. We continue to make our house a home and are *thisclose* to being done with all of our big outside projects. (We finally have a beach... with sand!) Mike and I are in a good place again and I'm so thankful that God has blessed me with such a good man and that my kids will never have to feel pain at the hands of their father.
The bottom line?
I feel happy and blessed.
And even though I haven't always understood His plan for me, I find comfort in knowing that He has one. Probably a good one too. :)
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Potty Trained!!!
Well, it's official....
Lukas is potty trained!
It came on without much warning and at first I didn't think I was ready for it but now I'm so glad I don't have to change diapers anymore. :)
It all started on March 13th. After one of the little boys in his class (who's six months younger than Lukas) started training, I made a joke in passing to the director of the program about peer pressure and how it's "supposed" to making potty training easier. At that point, I didn't feel we were any closer to training than we had been in months. Lukas was showing no interest in the potty seat and while he was waking up dry some nights, this was few and far between and the only "sign" we were seeing that he was getting ready. Well, she took my comment quite literally and responded with, "Well, if you want to send him a few extra days next week, I know we can do it." Before I knew it, my head was spinning and we had made plans for him to attend school Tuesday through Friday the following week.
I left school that day in a bit of a panic. What had I just done?! I didn't think he was ready for this and I knew I wasn't ready for this! After all, no more diapers means no more "babies" in the house. Was I really ready to let go of the fact that my little boy wasn't my "baby" anymore?! It's so much harder to let go of things like this when you know you're not having more.
That night, I forced myself on board. This couldn't be about me, after all. This needed to be about Lukas. He's 2.5 and while it wasn't clear that he was ready, it was worth a shot. He was the oldest boy in his class not potty trained, after all. I made plans to take him to the store the next day to look for Spiderman underwear because if you know my child right now, you know he's OBSESSED with Spiderman. The next morning came and once we got home, we began our efforts. Stickers were ready, charts were made, candy was set out. Positive reinforcements were everywhere. It was just the two of us at home that day so I had plenty of attention to give to him... but yet, no success.
Saturday and Sunday slowly got better but not by much. A few successes were had the entire weekend but mostly, we had accidents. Mike and I gave up, thinking it just wasn't worth it in the moment as we knew he'd do better once at school.
Come Tuesday, we got the kids ready and put Lukas in his big boy underwear before heading off to school. He had a couple of accidents that day but also had a few successes. His teachers were vigilant about putting him on the potty every 30 minutes until they realized he had a stronger bladder than that and increased it to every hour. Wednesday was more of the same and both nights, I ended up throwing his shoes in the washer. Poor kid!
Thursday, the improvement really started to show. We were so proud of our little guy but most importantly, he was so proud of himself! One more day of daycare and the consistency they provided really sealed the deal. It was amazing! Potty training had been such a feat with Liana and with Lukas, it seemed so easy. I know that's because they did most of the hard work for us but hey, I'm okay with that. It's been two full weeks now and we've only had a couple of accidents since then. The kid has the bladder of a champion (something that's appreciated since his 5 year old sister certainly does not) and can go hours without a potty break. He wakes up from his naps dry most of the time but usually wets during the night.... we're continuing to use diapers/pull-ups during sleep time to be safe.
Surprisingly enough, all of the positive reinforcements we had on hand and used for Liana weren't needed with Lukas. Once in a while he'll put a sticker on his "potty chart" but other than that, it seems he finds enough satisfaction in the sense of accomplishment he feels by succeeding. As a mom, that's really encouraging and I hope this personality characteristic stays with him for years to come. :)
I'm so incredibly proud of my little boy.... just knowing he's not wearing diapers anymore makes him seem so much older. But more so than anything, I love to watch the pride he feels in himself knowing that he's "one of the big kids" now.♥
Lukas is potty trained!
It came on without much warning and at first I didn't think I was ready for it but now I'm so glad I don't have to change diapers anymore. :)
It all started on March 13th. After one of the little boys in his class (who's six months younger than Lukas) started training, I made a joke in passing to the director of the program about peer pressure and how it's "supposed" to making potty training easier. At that point, I didn't feel we were any closer to training than we had been in months. Lukas was showing no interest in the potty seat and while he was waking up dry some nights, this was few and far between and the only "sign" we were seeing that he was getting ready. Well, she took my comment quite literally and responded with, "Well, if you want to send him a few extra days next week, I know we can do it." Before I knew it, my head was spinning and we had made plans for him to attend school Tuesday through Friday the following week.
I left school that day in a bit of a panic. What had I just done?! I didn't think he was ready for this and I knew I wasn't ready for this! After all, no more diapers means no more "babies" in the house. Was I really ready to let go of the fact that my little boy wasn't my "baby" anymore?! It's so much harder to let go of things like this when you know you're not having more.
That night, I forced myself on board. This couldn't be about me, after all. This needed to be about Lukas. He's 2.5 and while it wasn't clear that he was ready, it was worth a shot. He was the oldest boy in his class not potty trained, after all. I made plans to take him to the store the next day to look for Spiderman underwear because if you know my child right now, you know he's OBSESSED with Spiderman. The next morning came and once we got home, we began our efforts. Stickers were ready, charts were made, candy was set out. Positive reinforcements were everywhere. It was just the two of us at home that day so I had plenty of attention to give to him... but yet, no success.
Saturday and Sunday slowly got better but not by much. A few successes were had the entire weekend but mostly, we had accidents. Mike and I gave up, thinking it just wasn't worth it in the moment as we knew he'd do better once at school.
Come Tuesday, we got the kids ready and put Lukas in his big boy underwear before heading off to school. He had a couple of accidents that day but also had a few successes. His teachers were vigilant about putting him on the potty every 30 minutes until they realized he had a stronger bladder than that and increased it to every hour. Wednesday was more of the same and both nights, I ended up throwing his shoes in the washer. Poor kid!
Thursday, the improvement really started to show. We were so proud of our little guy but most importantly, he was so proud of himself! One more day of daycare and the consistency they provided really sealed the deal. It was amazing! Potty training had been such a feat with Liana and with Lukas, it seemed so easy. I know that's because they did most of the hard work for us but hey, I'm okay with that. It's been two full weeks now and we've only had a couple of accidents since then. The kid has the bladder of a champion (something that's appreciated since his 5 year old sister certainly does not) and can go hours without a potty break. He wakes up from his naps dry most of the time but usually wets during the night.... we're continuing to use diapers/pull-ups during sleep time to be safe.
Surprisingly enough, all of the positive reinforcements we had on hand and used for Liana weren't needed with Lukas. Once in a while he'll put a sticker on his "potty chart" but other than that, it seems he finds enough satisfaction in the sense of accomplishment he feels by succeeding. As a mom, that's really encouraging and I hope this personality characteristic stays with him for years to come. :)
I'm so incredibly proud of my little boy.... just knowing he's not wearing diapers anymore makes him seem so much older. But more so than anything, I love to watch the pride he feels in himself knowing that he's "one of the big kids" now.♥
Thursday, March 6, 2014
This place I'm in.
The past couple of weeks have been extremely hard on me. But really, I haven't been in a good place since everything happened in December.
I foolishly thought that once the legal issues were resolved, life would get easier. While in some (major) respects it has, in many other respects it's gotten a lot harder.
Mike said to me today (in the midst of one of my many recent breakdowns) something along the lines of, "I, along with so many others, saw you get through the past year and stay so strong. Once everything was over, I figured you would be okay but I'm realizing now that it's only gotten harder." He said some other brilliant words following that, which I of course, cannot remember.
It's the truth. The floodgate of emotions has been opened. I've been so hurt by everything that happened last year and I had to get through it before I was able to finally turn around and look at it.
The problem is, because I was "strong" last year, people in my life are now surprised by my "weakness". They don't know how to handle it. They don't know how to handle me and all this emotional "baggage" I come along with.
And I know I'm not the only one in my family to feel this way. My mom is really struggling too as people expect her to move on with life and she has days where that's just not an easy task to do.
How do you "move on" with life when you're stuck in the thick, black mud that's called grief?
Feeling so hurt, disappointed, and disposable to my own father has made me all the more aware of the other "hurts" in my life. Right now, it feels like I'm full of gaping wounds and I have been for weeks. If you've been in close proximity to me recently, you've either seen the pain seeping out of me or I've pushed you away so that you don't. Black or white, right or wrong, that's the way it's been. The people I've pushed away are the ones that have hurt me the most. It's not that I don't love them... in fact, it's probably the opposite. I'm just tired of putting myself out there and my heart on the line to people, who like my dad, see me as "disposable".
It's a snowball effect. Mike even said it today, "All these feelings about your dad have brought up feelings about me. All your feelings about me have brought up feelings about _____."
Simply put, this place I'm in right now is not a good one. If I'm to be honest, it's sad, dark, full of tears and anger. One minute I'm okay, the next I'm far from it. I'm grieving for the totality of this experience.... what happened, what I lost, and what I continue to lose.
The one thing that's reassuring though is this... I can see the sun shining and every day, I wake up wanting to be happy. I wake up wanting to focus on the relationships that have run the gauntlet with me and allowed me to feel loved, respected and appreciated. I still look forward to things, like Spring which is hopefully just around the corner and Liana's upcoming 5th birthday (!!!). I know that some relationships will become stronger as a result of this while others might fade and I know I'll be okay regardless of which way they fall (though I do hope that they all remain intact as I don't want to lose anyone else from my life). My heart may be hurting deeply but my head is strong as I've never been so aware of how I'm feeling and why.
I still have hope and I'm desperately clinging to it. If I didn't have hope at this point, I'd be far worse off. I find myself talking to God... something I haven't done often in my life or in a long while. This is always a good thing but also signifies to me just how much I'm hurting.
So, I have one request.... if you pray, will you pray for me? I don't ask that easily but I know that right now, my heart needs it in the worst way. I need to find a way through this pain. And pray for my mom and Mike too? That my mom finds her way through her own pain and that Mike and I can find a way to reconnect emotionally.
Before I go, I want/need to say that I debated about writing this post for weeks but after my conversation with Mike today I realized that it might be better if people understood why I've been feeling sad lately. I also wanted people to understand for my whole family's sake that just because the events of last year are over, the emotions left in the wake of everything are far from gone.We're still full of hurt... maybe more so now than ever before. ♥
And again.... I'm sorry for another sad post.
And again.... I'm sorry for another sad post.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
One year.
**Trigger warning.... Read with caution. Contains graphic language and images.**
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mom's trauma.
Today is the one year anniversary for everyone else's trauma that was present for the aftermath.
Yesterday, I made it through the day feeling okay. I credit a lot of that with talking to my mom in the morning and realizing that the 15th wasn't about me... it was about her. What she went though, what she fought for, what she survived. While I grieved what he did to her that night, I celebrated the fact that she made it and she didn't give up even when it took everything in her not to (and a guardian angel by her side).
Last night, I thought about writing but actually felt relief when I realized I didn't need to. My heart didn't feel ready to explode... which is always a good thing. But then as the hours crept closer to bedtime, I became more uneasy. I went to bed with this feeling of anxiety that's only been matched a few other times this past year. Thankfully, I was too tired to remain awake for long.
No dreams haunted me.
But then I woke up.
And the flashbacks started. The memories are still SO vivid. I had them yesterday and I have them often but today, they're too much.
For whatever reason, my first flashback this morning was of me begging and pleading with the hospital staff to find a pair of cutters to cut her wedding ring off. I know, it seemed odd to me too. But seeing that ring on her hand when she looked bloodied and beaten mercilessly by the very man who gave it to her was all kinds of wrong. That ring was a sign of the vows they made to each other... the vows she tried to keep for more than 33 years... and the vows he so easily threw away. That ring was the only part of my dad sitting in that hospital room with us and it needed to go. It didn't belong any more just as much as he didn't belong anymore.
After hours of searching, they found the ring cutter somewhere in the depths of the ER. The plastic surgery team that was caring for her wounds all surrounded her bed right along with us and sliced the gold band in half. That was an emotional moment for each and every one of us, family or not. A moment of great significance... the moment in which we officially let go of their marriage. It had been tainted before but now, now it was destroyed. There was nothing left and with the ring gone, that seemed more official.
I flash back to making the phone calls to our aunt and uncle... at 3 am that morning... and telling them that they needed to come to Grand Rapids right away. I remember just NEEDING them there. I may have been a grown adult but in that moment I needed someone to take care of me as I took care of her. I remember my uncle walking into the ER and just swallowing me up in his arms where I promptly lost it. Tears don't come often to me but in that moment, they were plenty.
I flash back to listening to my mom's account of what happened that night as Detective Glover interviewed her. Because I knew the crime scene so well, her words played like a movie in my head. I remember thinking, "How could anyone, let alone my own father, have been capable of these actions?" Taking a crow bar and then a hammer to a persons head... for hours on end... well, there's no words for how horrible that is.
I remember how much pain she was in both when she was in the ER and later when she was on 4 North. I remember the moaning, the grimacing. I remember being able to smell her blood from down the hall in the ER and then the smell of dried blood just engulfing her after she had moved upstairs. I remember sitting beside her in that hospital room and looking into her ear and seeing no skin, just dried, flaky blood. Her head and hair were soaked in it and because it hurt too much, the nurses weren't able to wash it off that day. She hurt in all the obvious places and some of the not so obvious ones.... Where she wasn't covered in blood, she was covered in bruises from where he sat on her and pinned her down.
I remember falling silent to all but two of my friends despite the fact that everyone knew something was terribly wrong. How do you say, "My dad tried to kill my mom last night and then himself?" It was easier to just go quiet... and it may have been the one and only time in my life that I was left speechless. There just wasn't any way of explaining the gravity of the situation via a telephone call. Plus, what were they going to say? How could they possibly make this feel any better? Talking to my friends would have just put both of us in an uncomfortable spot as we both knew there was nothing they could say to make this any less painful.
I remember our (very small) family slowly trickling into the hospital that day and the next. I remember the look of horror on their faces as they laid their eyes upon her for the first time. I remember her reaching out to every one of them and reassuring them that she was alright. That's my mom for you.... even when she's in agony, she's still looking out for everyone else. I remember placing my uncle in charge of telling everyone else in the family because Brittany and I just could not do it. We were physically and emotionally incapable of speaking the words that needed to be spoken. I remember him leaving the hospital that day to go and tell my Papa in person because we all knew what this was going to do to him.... and I will never forget the look on his face as he walked into that hospital room and laid eyes on his daughter, the one he's always loved so much, as she's covered in her own blood. He wore his pain like a dark cloak, just sitting quietly next to her bed and staring at what my dad had done to her. He's not a man of many words but his emotions were easily read that day.
Leaving the hospital that night seemed impossible. But after not getting any sleep in nearly 36 hours, I knew it wasn't an option for me to stay overnight and I knew my mom was in the good and capable hands of my aunt and uncle who both agreed to stay with her. I drove myself home in a daze. I remember walking into the house and laying eyes on my kids and realizing in that moment how one of the biggest parts of their world had just been shattered. I remember taking a shower and then sitting down on the couch with some leftover pizza. I remember in that moment realizing that my dad would never again get to eat pizza like this...he'd never get to go out to dinner... he'd never again have the same freedoms he had had just 24 hours ago. I realized in that moment that the life my dad had always known was now over. In that moment, I had no tears left to shed so I simply stared absently ahead and tried to ingest that reality at the very same time I ingested that pizza. A short while later (7:30 to be exact) I climbed into bed and passed out. I abruptly awoke at 5:30 the next morning, jumped in the shower, cried violently for nearly 30 minutes, and went back to the hospital. I walked into my mom's room and just fell apart at the side of her bed, listening as she selflessly apologized to me for everything he had done.
This weekend, I've thought often about how differently this could have ended. How I could have lost BOTH of my parents that night.
I'm so thankful he didn't succeed at taking her from us. I'm so thankful she didn't let him win.
February 16th, 2013, was the day my world shifted. I received the phone call from the ER social worker at 1:30 am and I laid down my head at 7:30 pm. Eighteen short hours carried so much weight, so much disbelief, so much grief. My life was split that day between the "before" and the "after". I've read and heard that I shouldn't let this event define my life but to me, that's absolutely ridiculous. Before this, I lived a fairly regular existence. My heart was still relatively innocent to the evils of the world... I was naive and thought stuff like this only happened to "other" people and in the movies. After this, I'm a different person. Not in a bad way but definitely in a sad way. My heart is jaded and while some days are just fine, other days seem impossible to get through.
I was changed that day. My heart was changed that day. Any innocence and naivety I had died that day.
This past year has not been one about healing. My mom, sister and I have had so many well-meaning people make comments to us about how we're one year into the grieving process and now we can start healing. I know their intentions are so good, but these comments are so upsetting and so inaccurate. We've only just begun our grieving process. That first year was about survival.... nothing more, nothing less. I didn't realize just how true this was until after my dad was sentenced in December and my true grief actually began. For the past year, we've done nothing more than survive everything that was put before us... primarily, her physical healing and the legal matters that came as a result of all of this. And even those aren't complete. My mom still has one more oral surgery to go before she'll be physically put back together. Plus, we learned last week that my dad is appealing his conviction.... surprise surprise. While I'm confident that the court of appeals will see the truth in the fact that his representation this past year was good, fair, and solid, it's still upsetting to think of the possibility that we may have to go through the legal battle all over again. It's even more upsetting that he can't just take responsibility for his actions and stop putting us through emotional hell.
Last but not least...
For the past few months, I've wrestled with whether to share the pictures of what he did to her. These pictures are the sole depiction of the anger and hatred he felt as well as the battle she fought to stay alive.... both of which have historically felt like intensely private matters. However, we've also realized that many people have underestimated what he did to her that night based on how quickly she healed and how well she looks now. I feel like in order to understand how far we've come and why we continue to grieve so deeply, people need to see the reality of what she/we went through and sometimes, words just can't do that justice. So with my mom's permission, I'm sharing them today in the hopes that everyone can truly see how far my mom has come physically over the past year and so that no one ever underestimates what she went through.
(And yes, someday I promise I will update on something a little more light-hearted. Just gotta follow my heart right now and right now, my heart is here.)
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
So this is how it feels...
I'm struggling.
Right now, it feels like every day is a struggle. I know the winter blues have gotten their wicked grasp on me this year, more so than ever before, because of everything that happened last month.
I stopped going to therapy... I realized in December that I wasn't getting what I needed out of it anymore. I learned some really valuable lessons and skills in the first six months and continue to put them to use and for that, I'm thankful. While I have so much respect for my therapist and she really, truly was amazing and so incredibly smart, I felt like she too often forgot to focus on the fact that I'm a daughter in all of this and not a Masters level Social Worker.
But I did start working out again (after taking a FAR-too-long hiatus) so I'm hoping that helps to elevate my spirits... or at least help me lose a few pounds!
For weeks I've been wanting to write down the feelings in my head. I'm a "thinker" by nature so whenever I'm not thinking of something in particular, I start to think about whatever is hitting me the most at the time. For the past month, those thoughts have revolved around my dad.
December was an unusually cruel month in my life. One I was both happy to see go and didn't want to end. Knowing that we're done with the legal proceedings is both comforting and sad for me. Because it means this is all a part of my past now... a "past" I didn't feel ready to let go of. I am relieved, however, by the fact that I no longer have to be fearful of what the outcome may be. What needed to happen, happened. As hard and painful as that may be.
The 19th, sentencing day, was especially traumatic. I relive that day often. Seeing him fall apart in court... saying words of love and then words of hate. Knowing that the whole world was about to see just how bad his behavior could be but knowing that now it was far, far worse. The man they splashed across every local news station was NOT my dad.... the dad I once knew seems to be gone. A person of my past. The man in that courtroom was a different person, one that has significant mental health issues and desperately needs help (but refuses to seek or allow for it).
I struggle every day with how I grieve for my dad. One moment, I miss him terribly. I think about past memories with him. I hear his voice and the excitement and happiness it could hold (usually pertaining to Liana). I remember so clearly how much he loved my kids... the way he sat and read book after book to them. The way he colored at the kitchen table with Liana (and truly did color). He lived at their beck and call. I miss the way he would call me up and say, "You tell that peanut how much her papa misses her!" and then guilt me into bringing her over despite the fact that we were usually there just about every day. I remember looking out our back window and watching him push her on the swings, just beaming with pride and happiness. I remember the way he selflessly gave up his time to watch her/them whenever I needed help.
I also remember how often he was there to help Mike and I. Anytime something went wrong with the house, he was the one we called. If we needed something done, he did it.
He was my go-to guy. I miss that. So, so much.
But after I remember all these things, I then remember how hard it often was. How he could say such cruel things when he was angry. The way in which everyone walked on eggshells around him. How he tried his hardest to control what we all did or were going to do. I remember the anger, the outbursts, the silent treatment we'd receive for days on end if things didn't go "his way". I remember him turning our lives upside down more than once when he decided he didn't want to participate in his marriage anymore. I remember the lack of consideration he showed to us throughout the divorce proceedings and ultimately, the night of February 15th. I remember how much harder he made this past year when it seems that a "good person" who loved his family would have done anything to make things right and avoided causing any more pain.
Every day, I struggle with where to go from here. Do I write or do I wait for him to write? Do I tell him I love him in hopes that it'll help crumble that wall he's built so high? Or do I let those words pass me by? Do I put my heart on the line for a man who put us all through hell, or do I just walk away? Half of me wants to have a relationship with him still but the other half knows how foolish that would be. I fear he'll use me and manipulate me. I fear that he'll tell me what I want to hear just to get the things he wants. I fear that he won't mean whatever it is that he would say. Being betrayed by him in this way has been terrible enough but at least he's been honest (it feels terrible to say that, considering what his "honesty" has entailed)... I can't even begin to imagine how hard it would be to be lied to as well. I can't handle him telling me he loves me when in reality, he may very well hate me.
I feel like I have this huge void in my life now. A couple of weeks ago I finally thought to myself, "Wow, THIS is what grief feels like." For years I've been working in grief & loss with my patients and their families but I never truly understood what it was they were facing. Now I do. I know what grief feels like now. I know how deeply it goes into a person's soul when they lose someone so important to them. I know just how much it hurts.
(To clarify... more so for my own benefit than anyone else's due to a guilty conscious... I have grieved before. The loss of our baby to my miscarriage. But the grief I feel for my dad is very different than the grief I felt for our baby. And the grief I feel for my dad is far more relate-able in terms of the work I do.)
I often wonder if losing my dad to prison is harder than it would be if I had lost him to death. My dad was ripped from my life just the same as he would have been if he had died. The only difference is that instead of dying, he's sitting in a cell somewhere, CHOOSING not to be a part of my life anymore. Which hurts more? I can't say for sure, but knowing that your parent abandoned and walked away from you hurts like hell.
I realized over the past few weeks that I was in survival mode throughout the ten months leading up to sentencing. While I thought I was "dealing" with everything, I see now that I was only dealing with one side of things... the side that I could see and feel the most - my mom's side of things. I've grieved what he did to her and the lasting effects it's had on her and I know I'll continue to do so. I know that while my grief may someday take a vacation, it's only a matter of time until it comes back and I'm again reminded of this chapter in her story. But for the past ten months, my focus has been predominantly on her... likely out of a need for self preservation. How could I cope with the loss of him at the same time I was trying to cope with what he did to her? And getting her through the mess he made? It wasn't possible. But now, now I know I'm out of "survival" mode. I now feel the gravity of the situation....
My dad is in prison and will likely die there. While he's currently in Jackson, he could be shipped off to anywhere in the state in just a few short weeks... It could be 1 hour away or 10 hours away. He doesn't want to talk to me and I may never get the chance to see him again, at least while he's alive. I worry every day about whether he'll take his own life. I don't know how he's doing, what his days are like, whether he's lonely or made friends. After 30 years together, my dad has become an absolute stranger to me.
I really pray that this gets easier with time. I pray that I find resolution within myself to know what's right and what's wrong when it comes to my dad. I pray that God gives me the direction I need.
Right now, it feels like every day is a struggle. I know the winter blues have gotten their wicked grasp on me this year, more so than ever before, because of everything that happened last month.
I stopped going to therapy... I realized in December that I wasn't getting what I needed out of it anymore. I learned some really valuable lessons and skills in the first six months and continue to put them to use and for that, I'm thankful. While I have so much respect for my therapist and she really, truly was amazing and so incredibly smart, I felt like she too often forgot to focus on the fact that I'm a daughter in all of this and not a Masters level Social Worker.
But I did start working out again (after taking a FAR-too-long hiatus) so I'm hoping that helps to elevate my spirits... or at least help me lose a few pounds!
For weeks I've been wanting to write down the feelings in my head. I'm a "thinker" by nature so whenever I'm not thinking of something in particular, I start to think about whatever is hitting me the most at the time. For the past month, those thoughts have revolved around my dad.
December was an unusually cruel month in my life. One I was both happy to see go and didn't want to end. Knowing that we're done with the legal proceedings is both comforting and sad for me. Because it means this is all a part of my past now... a "past" I didn't feel ready to let go of. I am relieved, however, by the fact that I no longer have to be fearful of what the outcome may be. What needed to happen, happened. As hard and painful as that may be.
The 19th, sentencing day, was especially traumatic. I relive that day often. Seeing him fall apart in court... saying words of love and then words of hate. Knowing that the whole world was about to see just how bad his behavior could be but knowing that now it was far, far worse. The man they splashed across every local news station was NOT my dad.... the dad I once knew seems to be gone. A person of my past. The man in that courtroom was a different person, one that has significant mental health issues and desperately needs help (but refuses to seek or allow for it).
I struggle every day with how I grieve for my dad. One moment, I miss him terribly. I think about past memories with him. I hear his voice and the excitement and happiness it could hold (usually pertaining to Liana). I remember so clearly how much he loved my kids... the way he sat and read book after book to them. The way he colored at the kitchen table with Liana (and truly did color). He lived at their beck and call. I miss the way he would call me up and say, "You tell that peanut how much her papa misses her!" and then guilt me into bringing her over despite the fact that we were usually there just about every day. I remember looking out our back window and watching him push her on the swings, just beaming with pride and happiness. I remember the way he selflessly gave up his time to watch her/them whenever I needed help.
I also remember how often he was there to help Mike and I. Anytime something went wrong with the house, he was the one we called. If we needed something done, he did it.
He was my go-to guy. I miss that. So, so much.
But after I remember all these things, I then remember how hard it often was. How he could say such cruel things when he was angry. The way in which everyone walked on eggshells around him. How he tried his hardest to control what we all did or were going to do. I remember the anger, the outbursts, the silent treatment we'd receive for days on end if things didn't go "his way". I remember him turning our lives upside down more than once when he decided he didn't want to participate in his marriage anymore. I remember the lack of consideration he showed to us throughout the divorce proceedings and ultimately, the night of February 15th. I remember how much harder he made this past year when it seems that a "good person" who loved his family would have done anything to make things right and avoided causing any more pain.
Every day, I struggle with where to go from here. Do I write or do I wait for him to write? Do I tell him I love him in hopes that it'll help crumble that wall he's built so high? Or do I let those words pass me by? Do I put my heart on the line for a man who put us all through hell, or do I just walk away? Half of me wants to have a relationship with him still but the other half knows how foolish that would be. I fear he'll use me and manipulate me. I fear that he'll tell me what I want to hear just to get the things he wants. I fear that he won't mean whatever it is that he would say. Being betrayed by him in this way has been terrible enough but at least he's been honest (it feels terrible to say that, considering what his "honesty" has entailed)... I can't even begin to imagine how hard it would be to be lied to as well. I can't handle him telling me he loves me when in reality, he may very well hate me.
I feel like I have this huge void in my life now. A couple of weeks ago I finally thought to myself, "Wow, THIS is what grief feels like." For years I've been working in grief & loss with my patients and their families but I never truly understood what it was they were facing. Now I do. I know what grief feels like now. I know how deeply it goes into a person's soul when they lose someone so important to them. I know just how much it hurts.
(To clarify... more so for my own benefit than anyone else's due to a guilty conscious... I have grieved before. The loss of our baby to my miscarriage. But the grief I feel for my dad is very different than the grief I felt for our baby. And the grief I feel for my dad is far more relate-able in terms of the work I do.)
I often wonder if losing my dad to prison is harder than it would be if I had lost him to death. My dad was ripped from my life just the same as he would have been if he had died. The only difference is that instead of dying, he's sitting in a cell somewhere, CHOOSING not to be a part of my life anymore. Which hurts more? I can't say for sure, but knowing that your parent abandoned and walked away from you hurts like hell.
I realized over the past few weeks that I was in survival mode throughout the ten months leading up to sentencing. While I thought I was "dealing" with everything, I see now that I was only dealing with one side of things... the side that I could see and feel the most - my mom's side of things. I've grieved what he did to her and the lasting effects it's had on her and I know I'll continue to do so. I know that while my grief may someday take a vacation, it's only a matter of time until it comes back and I'm again reminded of this chapter in her story. But for the past ten months, my focus has been predominantly on her... likely out of a need for self preservation. How could I cope with the loss of him at the same time I was trying to cope with what he did to her? And getting her through the mess he made? It wasn't possible. But now, now I know I'm out of "survival" mode. I now feel the gravity of the situation....
My dad is in prison and will likely die there. While he's currently in Jackson, he could be shipped off to anywhere in the state in just a few short weeks... It could be 1 hour away or 10 hours away. He doesn't want to talk to me and I may never get the chance to see him again, at least while he's alive. I worry every day about whether he'll take his own life. I don't know how he's doing, what his days are like, whether he's lonely or made friends. After 30 years together, my dad has become an absolute stranger to me.
I really pray that this gets easier with time. I pray that I find resolution within myself to know what's right and what's wrong when it comes to my dad. I pray that God gives me the direction I need.
Friday, January 10, 2014
2013 in review.
It's that time again... time for my annual yearly wrap up. For obvious reasons, I've been putting this one off. I hope focus as much on the positive things that came out of the year as I do on the negative...
Let's get down to it.
January
"The Build" continued. During the month of January we watched the interior of our house take shape as they put the drywall up, which was a two week process. The exterior of the house also got some TLC as they put on the siding and the shingles. Mike and I spent countless hours this month finalizing our interior choices and making sure everything was going to be just as we wanted it. I got my first speeding ticket in 10 years and wasn't a happy camper about it! Mike played in his 7th annual GVSU Alumni Hockey game and this time, he had two little kiddos sitting in the stands and cheering him on. Lukas was so excited to see his daddy on the ice! Lukas turned 15 months old this month and moved into the Toddler room at daycare. My parents divorce continued to get messier throughout the month of January and on the 12th, my dad decided that he no longer wanted a part in my life and said some terribly hurtful things.
February
The month started off with me trying to wean Lukas of his pacifier... I gave up after day #1 at the encouragement of many. It just wasn't worth it! We spent Superbowl Sunday in our old neighborhood and I found myself really emotional when I saw our Sienna house again. So many memories were made there! Our house continued to take shape and this was the month in which a LOT of progress was made. Cabinets and doors were installed, trim was put up, all carpentry work was completed and tile floors were laid. Then, the 15th hit and our world was shattered to pieces and turned upside down. See that story here. We spent the remainder of the month just trying to make sense of what had happened and trying to take care of my mom. The last weekend of the month, Mike and Liana headed to the east side of the state to celebrate Lily and Charley's birthday. While I had planned to take the kids myself, we decided it was best for Lukas and I to stay home and help with my mom.
March
The first day of the month started off with a bang as we met with the Prosecutor, Kim, who would be handling the case against my dad. Little did we know then what a blessing this woman would become to us in the days, weeks, and months ahead. On Monday the 4th we had our first court date for the preliminary exam to determine competency and probable cause. My mom was required to testify against my dad on this date and therefore, it was a pretty difficult day for everyone involved. The media presence was heaviest at this point and made our lives even more difficult than it already was. My mom had her nose reconstructed on the 8th and this surgery was by far the most painful for her to endure... it was awful seeing her in so much pain. My sister and I began receiving letters and telephone calls from my dad rather quickly and we decided to go see him on the 23rd. The visit went very poorly and we came home feeling more hurt than ever. With regards to the build, our house was SUPPOSED to be done this month so it came with great frustration when we realized this wasn't going to be the case. While the painting was done and the floors were in, we had no driveway and there were many touchups needed. (If you need to know which builder and painter to avoid, I'm your girl!) However, while the majority of March was hard, there's always a silver lining and this month it came in the form of Liana turning four!! My sister also brought another family member home in the form of Toby the dog, who both my mom and Liana quickly fell in love with and my mom decided to keep.
April
This month started out on a good note with me driving to the east side of the state on the 10th to welcome Alexander Thomas Kranz into the world. This was a day I had been looking forward to for some time and it felt like the first truly good thing that had happened so far this year. While I wasn't in the room when Xander was born (but was just down the hall), I'll never forget the feeling of walking back into that hospital room and being told by Kate that the baby she had been expecting for the past nine months was a boy! Mike and his mens league team won the championship for the season. The middle of the month brought us more struggles as we dealt with lots of legal issues with regards to the divorce and then we received a phone call stating that my dad was being interviewed for a national TV show (Lock Up) and wanted permission to be taped. Brittany and I both requested (ie: begged) him not to move forward with the taping process and thankfully, we were told he was going to oblige. But by the end of the month, things turned around again and we FINALLY closed on our house April 26th. Boxes began moving on April 27th, the same day we participated in the March of Dimes walk to honor The Prins Twins!
May
May 5th was our first night in our new home! Waking up the next morning to the sun shining through our bedroom window and the lake in my sight was the outcome I had been waiting eight months for. After months of training, Mike ran the 25K in the Fifth Third Riverbank Run and did so in just over two hours (2:04:15). Mothers Day came the very next day and was extra special for us this year considering all that had happened. The rest of May was pretty uneventful... something we didn't mind too much! We took the kiddos to the Zoo for the first trip of the year and celebrated my cousin Dustin's college graduation. I started seeing my therapist this month in an effort to work through some of the emotions I was dealing with and found it immediately beneficial.
June
We started the month with yet another court date - this time, for the divorce. As usual, it didn't go well and we were all thrown for a loop. A few days later, the kids and I packed up for a weekend visit to the Kranz's. Five kiddos under five was a bit intense, especially when we decided to take them all to the Detroit Zoo, but it was worth all the chaos! Liana started gymnastics this month and fell in love with it! Mike and I celebrated our good friend Erik's 30th birthday with him on the 15th. Father's Day was a pretty rough day for me and I ended up spending most of it alone and in reflection over the past few months and the past 30 years. The end of the month brought two big events.... my garage sale, in which I purged about half of our baby and children's clothes amongst other items, and my 30th birthday! Mike wisked me away to Chicago for a weekend getaway which was MUCH needed and we had a great time spoiling ourselves for the first time in months.
July
Happy 7th Anniversary to us! Mike and I rang in our anniversary on the 1st by doing not much at all... something that we were just fine with. We worked on our yard endlessly this month and Mike started working on the retaining wall as well. We quickly realized just how much we underestimated both projects! We were back in court again on the 12th for the divorce and my mom was ordered to sell the Rockford house... a welcome relief to the three of us as we were all ready to let it go from our lives. Liana found her love for the water this month and basked in the glory of swimming the rest of the summer. Lukas, on the other hand, didn't appreciate it as much! I "nested" this month, preparing for our first party in the new house... a baby shower in honor of my friend and coworker, Kara. The end of July brought my dad's 66th birthday - another "first" spent without him.
August
We celebrated another Kadzban wedding on the 3rd when Mike's cousin Doug married his college girlfriend, Sara. The kids had a blast at their first wedding reception and danced the night away! Just a few days later though my world was shaken once again when a college friend, Sarah, suddenly lost her 30 year old husband to meningitis and was left to raise her three children (under the age of two) by herself. To say that life is unfair became a drastic understatement and her loss resonated deeply with me and others close to me that knew the couple better. Later in the month, however, Mike and I were able to reconnect with our old firends Kurtis and Kathryn after a four year hiatus. The last weekend of August brought the kids and I back to the east side of the state for another Kranz party... this time to celebrate Xander's baptism. I was one tired mama after forging that party without Mike but as always, it was worth it. :)
September
I had been gearing up for September throughout the entire month of August as we were supposed to begin the criminal trial the Tuesday after Labor Day. We found out that day, however, that the trial was going to be pushed back until either November or December. I was initially very disappointed that we were going to have to wait to bring closure to the situation but after a few days, I realized how relieved I actually was. I just wasn't ready to face the reality of what was going to happen and I wasn't ready for my dad to be shipped from Grand Rapids to Jackson. I felt like I had been granted a reprieve and for the first time, I was thankful for the slow pace of our judicial system. Mike turned 30 on the 19th and we celebrated by having dinner with a group of our closest friends. On the 22nd we had family pictures done and while they turned out beautifully, it was hard not having him be a part of that. A few days later, I got to snuggle my friend Kara's new baby Maya and then celebrate my sisters 29th birthday.
October
Mike and I went to Traverse City for a couples weekend with a few of our good friends from college and had a blast. We soaked up every child- and responsibility-free moment! The tensions of K-Day came to an all-time high this year between my husband and I, making a few of our days this month anything but happy. We had court again on the 18th and got some good news. Then later that day I threw a baby shower for Baby Giroux and got to spend an evening with a few of my favorite coworkers! The 19th would have been my parents 34th anniversary (and technically still was) but my mom, sister and I decided to make it a day devoted to just us and how far we've come since life without my dad began. We rounded out the month by leaving the dark ages and getting smart phones (trust me, this was a monumental moment!) and then celebrating our baby boy's 2nd birthday on the 27th with just a small family party. Halloween was also a big deal this year as both kiddos participated in the activities with Liana dressed as Rapunzel and Lukas as Elmo. While Lukas wasn't too into the festivities at first, he got pretty excited once he realized candy was involved and made lots of new "friends" with the candy-givers around the neighborhood! :)
November
Immediately following his birthday, we weaned Lukas of his paci during the non-sleeping hours and he did much better with it than we thought he would! I was so relieved to have that thing out of his mouth for the most part as he was seriously attached to it for the longest time and rarely went without it. We went back to court on the 14th for a civil suit between my parents in hopes that it would award my mom the sum of their estate and take the matter out of Judge Quist's (the judge presiding over their divorce) hands. I testified on my mom's behalf and was so relieved when I discovered that my dad would not be present as I wasn't ready to see him, let alone testify against him in his presence. Judge Redford awarded my mom 100% of their estate which provided us with a great sense of relief as we were always so worried about what he might do with any money awarded to him. That same day, Baby Giroux made HER entrance into the world! I was elated for my friend Megan who had waited far too long for this day to arrive. After five months of working on the retaining wall, Mike finally finished it just days before the snow started to fly. We spent Thanksgiving in Traverse City this year and it was a nice change of pace from what we usually do. And after years of procrastination, I finally earned the right to sign "LMSW" after my name this month. :)
December
Nothing like sending the year out with a bang.... December was one tough month for us. December 3rd marked the start of the criminal trial and Brittany, my mom, and I all testified in court against my dad. The next two days were torture as we listened to all the other testimony and sat in a court room just feet from the man who we both love and fear so much. The verdict came back on the 5th and as we re-entered the courtroom to hear what the jury had decided upon, my heart had never felt heavier. After only a 30 minute deliberation, my father was found guilty of assault with the intent to commit murder and once again, my world felt like it was turned upside down. Just two short weeks later we were back in that same courtroom for sentencing, along with every local news station. I can confidently say that December 19th was the worst day of my life, even surpassing the miscarriage. While these events greatly overshadowed all the other events of this month, we did have some good days. Liana got her ears pierced on the 7th, we had her preschool Christmas concert just before Christmas, Mike got to have his inaugural skate on the lake, and I was able to take two full weeks off from work over the holidays.... a break I was in desperate need of. Christmas was very bittersweet this year but I loved seeing both of my children get excited over being with our families and opening their presents. I was reminded this month of how blessed I still am to have the remaining family that I do. We ended 2013 with the wedding of a very dear college friend, Nicole, and spending NYE with the Prins' and all four of our kiddos.
Let's get down to it.
January
"The Build" continued. During the month of January we watched the interior of our house take shape as they put the drywall up, which was a two week process. The exterior of the house also got some TLC as they put on the siding and the shingles. Mike and I spent countless hours this month finalizing our interior choices and making sure everything was going to be just as we wanted it. I got my first speeding ticket in 10 years and wasn't a happy camper about it! Mike played in his 7th annual GVSU Alumni Hockey game and this time, he had two little kiddos sitting in the stands and cheering him on. Lukas was so excited to see his daddy on the ice! Lukas turned 15 months old this month and moved into the Toddler room at daycare. My parents divorce continued to get messier throughout the month of January and on the 12th, my dad decided that he no longer wanted a part in my life and said some terribly hurtful things.
February
The month started off with me trying to wean Lukas of his pacifier... I gave up after day #1 at the encouragement of many. It just wasn't worth it! We spent Superbowl Sunday in our old neighborhood and I found myself really emotional when I saw our Sienna house again. So many memories were made there! Our house continued to take shape and this was the month in which a LOT of progress was made. Cabinets and doors were installed, trim was put up, all carpentry work was completed and tile floors were laid. Then, the 15th hit and our world was shattered to pieces and turned upside down. See that story here. We spent the remainder of the month just trying to make sense of what had happened and trying to take care of my mom. The last weekend of the month, Mike and Liana headed to the east side of the state to celebrate Lily and Charley's birthday. While I had planned to take the kids myself, we decided it was best for Lukas and I to stay home and help with my mom.
March
The first day of the month started off with a bang as we met with the Prosecutor, Kim, who would be handling the case against my dad. Little did we know then what a blessing this woman would become to us in the days, weeks, and months ahead. On Monday the 4th we had our first court date for the preliminary exam to determine competency and probable cause. My mom was required to testify against my dad on this date and therefore, it was a pretty difficult day for everyone involved. The media presence was heaviest at this point and made our lives even more difficult than it already was. My mom had her nose reconstructed on the 8th and this surgery was by far the most painful for her to endure... it was awful seeing her in so much pain. My sister and I began receiving letters and telephone calls from my dad rather quickly and we decided to go see him on the 23rd. The visit went very poorly and we came home feeling more hurt than ever. With regards to the build, our house was SUPPOSED to be done this month so it came with great frustration when we realized this wasn't going to be the case. While the painting was done and the floors were in, we had no driveway and there were many touchups needed. (If you need to know which builder and painter to avoid, I'm your girl!) However, while the majority of March was hard, there's always a silver lining and this month it came in the form of Liana turning four!! My sister also brought another family member home in the form of Toby the dog, who both my mom and Liana quickly fell in love with and my mom decided to keep.
April
This month started out on a good note with me driving to the east side of the state on the 10th to welcome Alexander Thomas Kranz into the world. This was a day I had been looking forward to for some time and it felt like the first truly good thing that had happened so far this year. While I wasn't in the room when Xander was born (but was just down the hall), I'll never forget the feeling of walking back into that hospital room and being told by Kate that the baby she had been expecting for the past nine months was a boy! Mike and his mens league team won the championship for the season. The middle of the month brought us more struggles as we dealt with lots of legal issues with regards to the divorce and then we received a phone call stating that my dad was being interviewed for a national TV show (Lock Up) and wanted permission to be taped. Brittany and I both requested (ie: begged) him not to move forward with the taping process and thankfully, we were told he was going to oblige. But by the end of the month, things turned around again and we FINALLY closed on our house April 26th. Boxes began moving on April 27th, the same day we participated in the March of Dimes walk to honor The Prins Twins!
May
May 5th was our first night in our new home! Waking up the next morning to the sun shining through our bedroom window and the lake in my sight was the outcome I had been waiting eight months for. After months of training, Mike ran the 25K in the Fifth Third Riverbank Run and did so in just over two hours (2:04:15). Mothers Day came the very next day and was extra special for us this year considering all that had happened. The rest of May was pretty uneventful... something we didn't mind too much! We took the kiddos to the Zoo for the first trip of the year and celebrated my cousin Dustin's college graduation. I started seeing my therapist this month in an effort to work through some of the emotions I was dealing with and found it immediately beneficial.
June
We started the month with yet another court date - this time, for the divorce. As usual, it didn't go well and we were all thrown for a loop. A few days later, the kids and I packed up for a weekend visit to the Kranz's. Five kiddos under five was a bit intense, especially when we decided to take them all to the Detroit Zoo, but it was worth all the chaos! Liana started gymnastics this month and fell in love with it! Mike and I celebrated our good friend Erik's 30th birthday with him on the 15th. Father's Day was a pretty rough day for me and I ended up spending most of it alone and in reflection over the past few months and the past 30 years. The end of the month brought two big events.... my garage sale, in which I purged about half of our baby and children's clothes amongst other items, and my 30th birthday! Mike wisked me away to Chicago for a weekend getaway which was MUCH needed and we had a great time spoiling ourselves for the first time in months.
July
Happy 7th Anniversary to us! Mike and I rang in our anniversary on the 1st by doing not much at all... something that we were just fine with. We worked on our yard endlessly this month and Mike started working on the retaining wall as well. We quickly realized just how much we underestimated both projects! We were back in court again on the 12th for the divorce and my mom was ordered to sell the Rockford house... a welcome relief to the three of us as we were all ready to let it go from our lives. Liana found her love for the water this month and basked in the glory of swimming the rest of the summer. Lukas, on the other hand, didn't appreciate it as much! I "nested" this month, preparing for our first party in the new house... a baby shower in honor of my friend and coworker, Kara. The end of July brought my dad's 66th birthday - another "first" spent without him.
August
We celebrated another Kadzban wedding on the 3rd when Mike's cousin Doug married his college girlfriend, Sara. The kids had a blast at their first wedding reception and danced the night away! Just a few days later though my world was shaken once again when a college friend, Sarah, suddenly lost her 30 year old husband to meningitis and was left to raise her three children (under the age of two) by herself. To say that life is unfair became a drastic understatement and her loss resonated deeply with me and others close to me that knew the couple better. Later in the month, however, Mike and I were able to reconnect with our old firends Kurtis and Kathryn after a four year hiatus. The last weekend of August brought the kids and I back to the east side of the state for another Kranz party... this time to celebrate Xander's baptism. I was one tired mama after forging that party without Mike but as always, it was worth it. :)
September
I had been gearing up for September throughout the entire month of August as we were supposed to begin the criminal trial the Tuesday after Labor Day. We found out that day, however, that the trial was going to be pushed back until either November or December. I was initially very disappointed that we were going to have to wait to bring closure to the situation but after a few days, I realized how relieved I actually was. I just wasn't ready to face the reality of what was going to happen and I wasn't ready for my dad to be shipped from Grand Rapids to Jackson. I felt like I had been granted a reprieve and for the first time, I was thankful for the slow pace of our judicial system. Mike turned 30 on the 19th and we celebrated by having dinner with a group of our closest friends. On the 22nd we had family pictures done and while they turned out beautifully, it was hard not having him be a part of that. A few days later, I got to snuggle my friend Kara's new baby Maya and then celebrate my sisters 29th birthday.
October
Mike and I went to Traverse City for a couples weekend with a few of our good friends from college and had a blast. We soaked up every child- and responsibility-free moment! The tensions of K-Day came to an all-time high this year between my husband and I, making a few of our days this month anything but happy. We had court again on the 18th and got some good news. Then later that day I threw a baby shower for Baby Giroux and got to spend an evening with a few of my favorite coworkers! The 19th would have been my parents 34th anniversary (and technically still was) but my mom, sister and I decided to make it a day devoted to just us and how far we've come since life without my dad began. We rounded out the month by leaving the dark ages and getting smart phones (trust me, this was a monumental moment!) and then celebrating our baby boy's 2nd birthday on the 27th with just a small family party. Halloween was also a big deal this year as both kiddos participated in the activities with Liana dressed as Rapunzel and Lukas as Elmo. While Lukas wasn't too into the festivities at first, he got pretty excited once he realized candy was involved and made lots of new "friends" with the candy-givers around the neighborhood! :)
November
Immediately following his birthday, we weaned Lukas of his paci during the non-sleeping hours and he did much better with it than we thought he would! I was so relieved to have that thing out of his mouth for the most part as he was seriously attached to it for the longest time and rarely went without it. We went back to court on the 14th for a civil suit between my parents in hopes that it would award my mom the sum of their estate and take the matter out of Judge Quist's (the judge presiding over their divorce) hands. I testified on my mom's behalf and was so relieved when I discovered that my dad would not be present as I wasn't ready to see him, let alone testify against him in his presence. Judge Redford awarded my mom 100% of their estate which provided us with a great sense of relief as we were always so worried about what he might do with any money awarded to him. That same day, Baby Giroux made HER entrance into the world! I was elated for my friend Megan who had waited far too long for this day to arrive. After five months of working on the retaining wall, Mike finally finished it just days before the snow started to fly. We spent Thanksgiving in Traverse City this year and it was a nice change of pace from what we usually do. And after years of procrastination, I finally earned the right to sign "LMSW" after my name this month. :)
December
Nothing like sending the year out with a bang.... December was one tough month for us. December 3rd marked the start of the criminal trial and Brittany, my mom, and I all testified in court against my dad. The next two days were torture as we listened to all the other testimony and sat in a court room just feet from the man who we both love and fear so much. The verdict came back on the 5th and as we re-entered the courtroom to hear what the jury had decided upon, my heart had never felt heavier. After only a 30 minute deliberation, my father was found guilty of assault with the intent to commit murder and once again, my world felt like it was turned upside down. Just two short weeks later we were back in that same courtroom for sentencing, along with every local news station. I can confidently say that December 19th was the worst day of my life, even surpassing the miscarriage. While these events greatly overshadowed all the other events of this month, we did have some good days. Liana got her ears pierced on the 7th, we had her preschool Christmas concert just before Christmas, Mike got to have his inaugural skate on the lake, and I was able to take two full weeks off from work over the holidays.... a break I was in desperate need of. Christmas was very bittersweet this year but I loved seeing both of my children get excited over being with our families and opening their presents. I was reminded this month of how blessed I still am to have the remaining family that I do. We ended 2013 with the wedding of a very dear college friend, Nicole, and spending NYE with the Prins' and all four of our kiddos.
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