Changes.

I find that every once in a while, I go through a major dry spell when it comes to this blog for one reason or another. I get to the point where I question whether I should just shut the blog down completely but then eventually come to my senses again. So what if I don't post regularly? My life is busy and chaotic most of the time. The days are long (sometimes too long!) and the nights are short (always too short!). But I always come back and that's what counts, right? I haven't given up just yet. :)

So, life has been a bit nuts around here lately. Here's a bit of self-disclosure... I've been taking Zoloft since I went back to work after Lukas was born and now more than ever, I'm thankful for my anti-depressant! It's kept me level-headed during times that I know I would've otherwise lost my cool. I tend to be a bit of an emotional train wreck when I'm stressed and so far, I've kept myself on the tracks. Thanks Zoloft!! ;)

So why has our life been such chaos? Three reasons:
1. We sold our house, two weeks after putting it on the market. We close on Monday the 30th and have to be out by Saturday, Aug 4th. Lots of packing has been going on over here in our neck of the woods.
2. While we looked at many houses, nothing felt "right". So, we've decided to build. This was a decision that was incredibly stressful and anxiety-provoking for both Mike and I.
3. As if these alone weren't stressful enough, I also have to find a new daycare provider for the kids for the days in which my dad would've watched them. It just got to be too much for him and for that, I can't blame him.

So, where's my head been? Well, in a lot of different places. The day we listed our house on the market, I walked from room to room and just tried to take it all in. Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at each wall in this house and remembered all the work we put into making each and every one our own. The kids bedrooms have been especially hard for me to let go of.... I poured my heart and soul into Liana's "purple bedroom" and Lukas's nursery. I knew we wouldn't be here forever but I had no idea we'd be leaving this soon. My brain tells me it's for the best but my heart is having a hard time accepting that in just a few short days, this won't be our home anymore. Even as I pack, I feel a bit numb as to what exactly I'm doing. It's a feeling I'm uncomfortable with because my gut tells me that the ice I'm standing on is getting thinner and thinner and soon enough, I'm more than likely going to fall through.

On the flip side, I'm excited about the next step we're taking. Building a house is going to be an adventure - at least that's what I keep telling myself. I'm thrilled with the idea of making this house our own from the get-go and having things how I want them, down to the very last detail. While I've had some reservations about the lakefront lot we chose (only because of the safety risks it poses for the kids), I'm ready to embrace it. I can't wait to wake up each morning or sit at the dinner table each night and look out behind our house to see nothing but water. I think about all the memories that will be made in that new house and in those waters and I'm left with feelings of pure anticipation. In addition, I feel good about sending the kids to Hudsonville schools (which I've heard nothing but good things about) and about still being so close to everything. I honestly think we'll be incredibly happy living at 2334 Edson. :)

My thoughts these last few weeks have also been wrapped up a lot in Liana. By far, this transition is going to be the hardest on her. She's losing the only house she's ever known as her own and her "purple bedroom" that she loves so dearly. We've decided to live in one of my dad's rental homes which coincidentally is just across the street from my parents. While in some aspects this will be nice, I am really worried about how Liana will handle the balance of staying home vs. going to Papa & Nana's house when they live just across the street. I want her to have good boundaries and know that she can't always be at my parents - but that's a tricky message to get across to a three year old. I see her struggling a bit as we pack up our belongings and she takes in the changes that are taking place; she's become more clingy these past two weeks and even more whiney than she usually is. She asks questions like, "Are we taking my bed to Auntie's house?" (because my sister currently is living there until we move in) or "Are we going to go live with Ms. Michelle?" (our realtor... an association she's made bc Michelle was taking us to look at houses before we decided to build). I can sense her confusion in all of this and as hard as we try to help her understand, I don't think she's truly going to get it until we're settled. So in the mean time, I worry and succumb to the mommy guilt that plagues me.

For obvious reasons, I'm not so worried about Lukas. Sure, I expect some hiccups... after all, this kid is extremely sensitive to his routine and his environment. But I think that after a few days/weeks, he'll find his groove again.

This weekend, we move most of our furniture into storage. (We'll be using my sister's furniture for the time being.) As things get packed away and transferred to wherever their temporary home may be, this house feels less and less like my home, which I anticipate is going to make our final moving day a bit easier. At least I hope that's the case.

There's more to be updated... but for tonight, I call it quits. Back to the chaos!! :)