A Valentines Day Quickie. :)

It's 9:19 pm and I really, really should be in bed. After all, I've been complaining all day about how tired I am and even went so far as to barter with my husband to come home from work early so I could take a nap as my "Valentines Day gift". (He didn't do it. Are we surprised by this?!)

But I'm going to take ten minutes to write something down and it starts with this....

I'm in love.

With this little boy...

And this little girl....

And the man that brought them into my world....

Life has not been easy these past few months. But still, life is good. So, so good. I find that I've finally gotten to the point where I can take a deep breath and start to really take this all in. We've gotten through the hard newborn stage and as a result, my perspective has shifted. Instead of lamenting over the fact that my baby isn't sleeping through the night, I find myself holding his hand and tracing his tiny fingers with mine during those nighttime feedings and loving him with all of my might. My little girl turns three next month and as I watch her blossom into such a little personality with a vigor for life, I'm astounded by what she's capable of.

I'm soaking up the kisses, the smiles, the giggles and the coos because I know they will all too soon be a part of my past. Memories to look back on instead of moments to experience.

I want to live in these moments. Dive in, head first. I want to live for these moments. Not take them for granted.

Mike, Liana and Lukas are what I live for. They are my purpose in my life. They are my everything.

So this Valentine's Day, I'm loving on them. The three greatest blessings in my life. <3

Love Letters.

Liana Grace,

Any day now, we're expecting your little brother to enter into this world and officially become a member of our family. Before he does, there are some things I've been wanting to tell you.

Liana, you changed my world in a way I could have never imagined. In July 2008, when that pregnancy stick showed a positive result, I knew that life was about to be very, very different. You weren't something we had planned on but I knew instantly that God had given you to us for a reason beyond my understanding. I knew that some way, some how, you were meant for me. I was beyond excited at everything you would hold for me and daddy.

Those nine months of pregnancy seemed to crawl by as I so anxiously awaited meeting you. There was nothing I wanted more than to finally hold you in my arms, look into your eyes, and see what your daddy and I had created. To see what a product of our love truly looked like. To see everything we had worked towards come to fruition. I only remember a few moments of fear during those nine months as most of the time, nothing but peace was within my heart. I knew deep down you were going to be perfect. I knew you were going to be my angel here on earth.

And boy, you sure haven't disappointed.

I remember so vividly those hours before you entered this world. I remember the pains, the anticipation, the excitement of knowing I was so close to meeting you. I remember the moment you left my body... I remember the fear that engulfed me for the 30 minutes they wouldn't let me hold you.... I remember the overwhelming emotion of seeing your daddy hold you for the first time before I even got a chance to.

Bringing you home, things finally started to feel real. It wasn't just daddy and I anymore.... there were three to this equation. You brought daddy and I closer in a way we couldn't have imagined. There were some hard times that first year as we learned to balance individuality, marriage, and parenthood. There were times when I wasn't sure we were cut out to do this together. But the thing is, nothing was about "us" anymore. It had become about you. You glued us together in a way no one else could.... you made us a family.

While we're speaking of daddy, let me tell you the ways in which you changed him. You showed me a whole new side to the man I so long ago fell in love with. A side only you could have brought out, being our first born. The way in which you adore him and the way in which he adores you... well, that's something incredible. It's a sight to be seen. Honestly, it makes my heart beat a little faster and makes me love him a whole lot deeper. The man I had always hoped he'd be is wrapped up in you. Being a father to you is such a natural part of his soul... if there's anything in this world he does to near-perfection, it's being your daddy. He is everything I ever wanted my children to have in a father. If I could only give you two things in this world, one would be for you to always know how deeply I love you and the other would be a daddy who is everything and more than you need. He fulfills that in every way I had ever hoped he would.

Liana Grace, it's been two years, six months, and twenty four days since you came into this world.

And with each passing day, I fall more in love with you.

You are the most remarkable child I've ever met and yes, I realize that I'm completely biased. But those moments where you take my breath away? They're what I live for. I find so much joy wrapped up in seeing you grow into the person you'll someday be. While there are days when I desperately need "me" time, the moment you're gone I miss you to my core. My heart aches for you. I feel more lonely, more empty and less like myself which is ironic seeing as the very thing I was searching for by taking time away from you was "me". I wonder what you're doing and if you're missing me too. (Usually, you aren't!)

There are so many things I adore about you, Liana. The way you reach for my hand when we're walking in public places or as soon as you realize that we're in a parking lot. The way in which it so perfectly melts into mine. The way that you find comfort with mommy in a way no one else can provide. I'm the one you seek when you're hurt. When you need an "owie" kissed. You fit into this lap of mine like a missing puzzle piece. I love the way you show your love... you give the most amazing hugs and kisses. They just melt me to my core and I hope I never forget how it feels in my heart to have your arms wrapped around this neck of mine. I beam with pride over seeing you succeed and the fact that when you do, you beam with pride too. You are such a sensitive little soul who feels the pain of those around you.... much like your mama does. We're emotional creatures, you and me. This may not suit us well during your teenage years but for now, it's a good thing. It's something I'm proud of you for. I like being the mama of the little girl who goes to comfort others and say, "Are you okay?" in that kind-hearted voice of yours. I love your adventurous spirit.... even though it sometimes causes me panic.

Liana, I love every single thing that makes you, you.

Yes, there are moments of struggle. Because just as you're emotional like me, you can also be stubborn like me. And impatient like me. This causes for rifts at least once a day, usually when I need you to listen and you decide to run the other way instead or better yet, completely ignore me. Often times, you're too smart for your own good. Oh, and lets not forget the manipulation tactics you employ when it comes to getting what you want. You have this pout that you smear across your face when you want something you know you shouldn't have. As much as I hate to admit this, it works just about every time. I'm such a sucker for you and so is everyone else. Worse yet, you know it.

Sometime in the next week our lives as we know it will be turned upside down by the arrival of your new baby brother. I worry about how this will effect you. I worry that you'll struggle with now having to share the attention you're so used to getting from mommy, daddy, and everyone else. I worry that you'll feel left out and maybe even resentful.

But here's the thing.... this little boy is your brother. Just as much as we wanted him for ourselves, we wanted him for you too. We wanted you to have a sibling you could walk through life with. Someone who knew you from (almost) start to finish. Someone that was yours. Someone who saw the best and worst parts of you but always loved you just the same.

My heart prays that you and your brother will grow up as best friends. He may not always handle things the same way you do and he may not always be interested in the same things you are because, well, boys are different creatures than us girls are. Regardless of this, my heart begs that you two love each other just the same because I know that the two of you can make each others lives better just by being in them.

In the mean while, I'm beyond excited to see you transform into a big sister. I know that while the initial transition may be a bit bumpy for all of us, you are going to love your little brother to the core. Much like daddy and I were forever changed for the better when you came along, I believe whole-heartedly that you'll be forever changed in the same way once your brother does. I can't wait to see you love on him and shower him with your kisses and your concern. To be "mommy's little helper". I can't wait for daddy and I to have special outings with our little girl and to see your eyes light up during those moments in which you have us all to yourself again.

Sweet girl, I need you to know a few last things before I go....

You are my world. Being my first born, you were the one to set me on this journey and make me a mommy. You changed not only my heart, but my soul. You have been my best and most important teacher because before you, I never knew what life was really about. I never knew how deeply and truly I could love another person. I never knew what it felt like to have my heart walking around outside of my body. I never knew that fear could be so pervasive... so terrifying... so paralyzing. But I also never knew how joyful my life could be and how everything I ever wanted could be wrapped up in one little blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl.

I love you peanut. Thank you for being you and making me, me.

~ Mama ~

_____________________________

Dear Michael,

Wow.... where has the time gone?

Nearly eleven years ago, I fell in love with a boy. He was sweet.... charming.... sensitive.... and even then, I knew he was everything I would someday want in a husband. For that reason, I held on to him tightly and refused to let go. Thankfully, he never made me.

After five and a half years of dating, we got married. There were periods of time leading up to July 1st, 2006 that I wasn't sure we would make it. Equally so, there have been periods of time following July 1st, 2006 that I wasn't sure we would make it. I knew marriage wouldn't be easy.... I had grown up seeing just how much work it could take. Somehow though, I still had little understanding as to just how hard it could be.... a feeling that I think you've felt, too.

You and I have grown up together in many ways. We've seen each other slowly transform into the people we are today. We've been by each others side through thick and thin. I often think about the blessing God bestowed upon us when he brought us together at such a young age... not many couples can say they've experienced all the things we've experienced together.

High school. College. Friendships made and friendships broken. Being there for each other as we tried to figure out who we were as not only individuals, but as a couple. We've experienced life's heartaches together as well as life's joys. We've helped each other up every time one of us has fallen down. We've known each other from the ages of 16 to 28.... a span of time that has included some of our most formidable years. We've been there for each other as we've stumbled and succeeded... individually and as a couple.

You and I, we've been through a lot together.

But there is no one in this world I would've rather done so with.

I remember back to our first two years of marriage. How simple things were back then. How easy it was and how idealistic it felt. The one thing I wanted most out of life was a marriage and a family of my own. You gave me that. I was on cloud nine for those first two years because every night, we came home to each other. It really was that easy.

And then, things slowly became more complicated. Suddenly everything wasn't so easy. We worked different shifts. We bought a house. We accrued responsibility. We had a baby. We were forced to balance a number of different balls in the air... often all at once... while trying to keep any one of them from falling to the ground.

But still, there's no one I would've rather had my life become more complicated with.

These last three years have been the years in which we've seen the most growth. In each other, in our marriage, in our family. We've experienced some stumbling points but made it beyond each one stronger than we were before.

Michael, what a blessing you've been to my life.

Do you know how much I love you? I think it often gets lost in translation through the day-to-day chaos that our life has become these past few years. And as we await the birth of our little boy and become a family of four, I worry that this feeling of things being "lost in translation" won't soon get better.

Realistically, I'm not sure how to express in words just how much I love you but I hope you feel the depth of my words when I say it. Because I.Love.You.

I love you for the man that you are. You have worked so hard to make this life for us. To give me the things that I've always wanted. I love you for being patient and kind when I've deserved far less. I love you for trying to understand me when I don't even understand myself. I love the way that you bring me back to reality when I lose touch with it. I love the way you step up to the plate when I need to step away from it. I love you for continuing to try and learn how to be a better husband.... father.... son.... brother.... friend. I love you for the drastic differences we share and the way we balance each other out. Our relationship has been the perfect example of how opposites attract and while sometimes we struggle with this reality, I'm more thankful for it than anything else. I love you for the way in which you put up with me lecturing you about money.... but you still don't say a word when I indulge in something for myself or Liana. I love the way you fall asleep next to me at night and how (I think) we both feel like that's the one point to every day in which we finally reconnect. I love how sincere your "I love you's" are and when you say them, I can feel those words to my core. I love how you come home and give me a kiss.... even if I'm a crazy mess. I love how you're always okay with cooking dinner.... though I'm not okay when you nit-pick mine. ;) I love when I get an unexpected text or email that simply says, "I love you." It shows that you're thinking about me when I least expect it.

More than anything, I need you to know how much I love you when it comes to being a daddy.

Seeing you with Liana makes my heart absolutely melt. There is nothing sexier or more attractive than a man who can be everything his little girl needs him to be, just when she needs it most. I listen as you put her to bed and say prayers with her and I'm overwhelmed with emotion. When I'm having a weak parenting moment and you step up to the plate, I'm thankful beyond words. I love looking out the kitchen window after you get home from work to see you running around the backyard with her and Moose. I love that your a little kid in big kid clothes... though it makes me a little crazy when you don't use your big kid head and someone, usually Liana, gets hurt when things get a little out of hand. ;)

I love that you challenge her in ways that help her grow. I love how you make her world fun. I love how she says your name like you're her prince charming. I love how excited she gets when you come home from work each night. I love the way you man-handle her in ways I can't.... after all, she must get that physical energy from you because she certainly doesn't get it from me. I love how much you love her and how I can see that love in your eyes. I love how I can see that she's changed you, too.... into a better man, a better husband, a better daddy.

I love how you are everything she deserves and more. That's the only thing I ever wanted  from you when it came to being a parent and you've certainly delivered.

As importantly as anything else, I love that I know she'll always be in good hands with you. That you'll move mountains for her. That should anything ever happen to me, she'll be okay because she has you.

I love that soon, we'll have a little boy in this house. I love that in all the same ways you've been a remarkable daddy to Liana, you'll be a remarkable daddy to our son. I love that just as Liana has made me feel complete, I think you'll feel complete too. While you struggled with the newborn stage when Liana was born, I have this feeling you're going to do a lot better the second time around because you'll be able to see the rainbow through the rain. I can't wait to see you become a daddy of two. My gut says you'll do better with two than I will. :)

Michael, I may not say it enough, but please know that regardless of how crazy our days are (or how crazy your wife may be).... I love you with everything in me. I'm so proud of the man you've become. We may not have it all together.... individually or as a couple... but together we have it all.

~ Haley ~

Holy hormones.

For loving my daughter more than life itself, I'm struggling.

I look at her and am completely overwhelmed at how amazing this little girl is. For how much she changed my life. For how she made me a better person. For how I want to be everything and more than she needs me to be.

But at the same time, I feel like she deserves better.

My patience is wearing thin these days. I woke up this morning after a wonderful night's sleep thinking that I was going to dominate this day. Instead, I feel like it's dominating me.

More failed attempts at going #2 on the potty.... a regression that's come on this past week and now has my heart feeling heavy. I try not to let her see my disappointment but I'm scared that I wear it like a black cloak. A house that's an absolute disaster.... and no motivation to clean it. I need to go grocery shopping but can't because I'm not ready to venture into Meijer with a half-way trained 2 year old who can go hours without peeing or on the flip side, sometimes pees 5 times in 30 minutes.

Patience has never been one of my virtues. It's there but only in small amounts when it comes to certain things. I keep giving myself "pep talks" but they're effects don't seem to last long.

In addition to this, reality is hitting me that in exactly two weeks (or less), I'll have a newborn in this home. I'll be healing from a c-section and at the mercy of two children who need me for just about everything. Yes, I'll have some support for those first two weeks... but after that, I'm on my own.

And that completely overwhelms me.

I'm sometimes resentful of my husband who offers suggestions on what I "should" do when it comes to caring for our kid(s).... while he sits behind a desk 20 miles away. He comes home at 6 and helps parent for 3 hours.

Don't get me wrong.... the man is amazing. He's so patient and has such a way about him... he helps so much when he's here, it's just that he's not here as much as I'd like him to be. And he doesn't get it that for the other 11 hours of the day, I'm on my own and having to do this without him.

Today is, simply put, a bad day. My hormones are raging (as evidenced by the tears I keep shedding) and I'm scared, excited, and nervous for all the changes my life is bringing at once. I'm trying to keep things balanced but feel like I'm dropping the ball in one way or another all the time.

The biggest part of me is dying to meet this little man I carry under my heart and in my belly. But there's another part of me that's still not ready for the changes he'll bring with him. I was telling my friend Kate earlier how ironic that is, seeing as I've been waiting for this baby for over a year now.

(Don't even get me started on how the anniversary of my miscarriage last year is just around the corner. Yes, I still think about it.)

So, there's my vent. Sorry it was so completely depressing.

On the up side:

We finally have the baby name list narrowed down to two. Thank God. I have a favorite, which is also Liana's favorite, and now we just have to "officially" sell Mike on it.

Only four more work days until maternity leave begins and I'm SO ready. Do you know how draining it is to say goodbye to your patients, some whom I've had on my service for over a year, knowing that by the time I come back it's very possible that they won't be here anymore? I'm used to receiving the goodbyes, not giving them. Plus, two of my "favorite" patients died this week which leaves me more ready than ever for some time off.

I'll leave this post with some positive thoughts....

Mike, you are amazing. Thank you for being my rock and during times like these, the better half to our whole. Thank you for seeing that I need moments to myself and stepping up to the plate when I'm about to melt down. Thank you for being the most patient man I know... a character trait that I've always loved about you but find myself adoring right now. Thank you for being such a good daddy... our kids are so completely blessed to have you. So am I.

Liana, I'm so sorry that I'm struggling with you right now. I'm sorry if I let you down. Please always know that no matter what happens, you are the moon to my stars. You, and you alone, are the child that rocked my world and made it 200% better. I look at you and my heart aches because I love you that much. I'm so intensely proud of you and everything that you are. These next few weeks/months may be rough but I promise, life will be better this way and I'll do everything in my power to make sure of that.

Baby Boy, you have no idea how long this mama has been waiting to hold you in her arms. Sometimes it feels like the longest 14 months of my life, sometimes it feels like the shortest. I cannot wait to finally look at your face and fall in love with you all over again.

Blessed.

(So, as I promised.....)

Mike and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary just a few (that's "late speak" for eleven...) short days ago.

And my did five years sneak up on us quickly.

The past few years, as each anniversary came and went, I simply thought "We've been married ____ years now." Like it was no big deal.

But this year? This year was a biggie. Maybe not such a big deal to someone whose been married longer than this, but to us, yes. Just as I'm sure that 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, and so on will also feel like a big deal, 5 years felt like a very big deal.

How did we get here so fast?

I'll tell you how. Day by day and sometimes, hour by hour.

I often talk with my mom or my closest of friends about how naive I was when Mike and I got married. I honestly thought it would be a cakewalk. I remember thinking all throughout college, "someday, he'll come home to ME at the end of every day and that will make everything alright" (referring to all the time he spends at work and hockey). I used to long for the simpleness of just having him next to me as I fell asleep at night and it still amazes me that on the nights where I did have that, it actually made everything okay.

Soon after we married, that was no longer the case. I wanted more of him for myself and less of him for "other" things.

It's amazing how things change. And sometimes so quickly.

Over the past five years, we've had more ups than downs.... thankfully. But the worst of the downs were pretty deep down just as the best of the highs were incredibly high. I've realized just how hard marriage truly is and how it's nothing like the cakewalk I once thought it'd be. It takes more energy than I have to give some days, in all honesty. But somehow, Mike and I persevere. We keep working until our fingers are figuratively bleeding and we don't think we can take anymore. We trudge through the mucky times and always seem to find ourselves back on track.

And I attribute that reality to four things:
1. I love the man to my core.
2. He's the father of my children.
3. He's the most patient person I've ever met.
4. We always find ourselves meeting halfway because we've realized along this process that winning means someone else has to lose. Losing hurts. And neither of us wants to see the other one hurt.

My husband is my rock. He's my stability. He's the man I always dreamed of marrying.... except for the fact that he's not ridiculously wealthy. (Maybe someday?!) He's patient which is not always one of my best virtues so it balances us out. He doesn't yell at me or talk down to me.... despite the fact that I don't always show him the same respect. (I'm still a work in progress, too.) He comes home to me at the end of every day and regardless of how stressed he is or what his day has been like, he pitches right in and gives me the time I need for myself. He's funny, charming and everyone's friend. Best of all and most importantly, he's an amazing daddy. I can visibly see how much he loves her and how much he already loves our little man. And that, well that makes me fall in love with him all over again.

But we are two very different people, from two very different families, who handle things two very different ways most of the time.

I'm impatient, hot-tempered, and have high expectations for not only those around me, but myself as well. I'm both selfish and selfless, if you can make sense of that, and each to a fault at times.

I'm an imperfect person, as is he.

We joke around all the time about his arrogance because the guy thinks he's God's gift to this earth. He's not always the most considerate.... though I have to say, I've seen drastic improvements on this front just in the past few months. And at times, he's selfish.... but like I said, at times so am I.

I won't lie.... these differences cause rifts between us more often than I'd like.

But these differences are also something I've come to appreciate. Together, we make a great team. We balance each other out. We keep each other in line. We help each other grow and we're patient with each other as we do. (Well, for the most part!) If it weren't for these differences, we'd be of the same personality types living under one roof.... and I doubt one of us would make it out alive. ;)

Years four and five of our marriage have definitely been the hardest. Four was full of external losses while five was full of internal ones. Losing our baby during our fifth year placed a strain on our marriage I didn't quite expect as we quickly realized how differently we grieved. But also during our fifth year, we found the joy in knowing that another baby would welcome this family of ours. While things remain uneasy on that front at times, we are worlds above where found ourselves just six months ago.

Upon our fifth anniversary we are Excited. Whole. Happy. Committed. Reassured. Joyful. Thankful.

And yes, still In Love.

But this isn't the same "in love" we felt back when we were so much younger. This is a deep love, a matured love, an unconditional love. That was black.... this is white.

Last night, as we laid in bed before going to sleep, Mike turned away from the tv, looked at me and said something along the lines of, "Haley, I really love this life we've made together." All I could say in return was "So do I babe. So do I."

We've come so far in five years. We've completed college together. We've managed a household together. We've bought a house. We've traveled... though minimally. We've both worked hard at jobs we find great fulfillment in. We've built a family that's ours and in the process watched each other grow into not only the roles of husband/wife, but of mommy/daddy, too.

My heart tells me that these past two years and all the struggles we've endured are now a part of our past. I have great confidence in knowing that as we continue to move forward together, things will only get better and we will only become more fulfilled in this marriage that we've both worked so hard at.

Sure, tough times will come. I'm no longer naive to that fact.

But Mike and I have a better understanding of each other these days.

And the foundation for that understanding is the fact that no matter what, we're in this for the long haul. Through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, so long as we both shall live.... just as we promised in our wedding vows.

Michael Anthony, I love you. More than I may ever be able to say but as much as I hope you know. I can't wait to experience life with you and all it still has in store for us.

God has blessed me by putting you at my side. There's a lot of things I'm unsure of in this world but that's certainly not one of them.

Happy 5th Anniversary babe.

From then....

  

To now.

A really long "catch me up".

I feel like every other entry I post these days begins with, "well, it's been awhile.... again." There's always so much I want to say and write about but free time is not something I've been afforded much of lately. I can't believe how quickly this summer is going by and how crazy my days feel. Between working extra hours (which in my case means 10-14 hour days, 2-3 days per week) and the million things we have to do around the house, I find myself too drained at the end of the day to sit in front of this computer screen and write. Especially knowing that I'm sacrificing getting something else done by doing so.

But, despite my house looking like a tornado has hit it, I'm here writing. These past few weeks deserve to be remembered, so if I don't put them into words now, I know I'll soon forget.

Amazingly enough, Mike and I had FIVE days off together over the 4th of July weekend. The last time we had that much time off together was when we went to Jamaica last year; the time before that was back in 2007. It doesn't happen much because it's extremely difficult for my husband to "let go" of work for a few days (did you know he works from home almost every saturday morning? and over the course of these five days, I got after him on at least 2 of those days because I found him on the computer "checking in"?). Spending this much time together only makes me want more time with him and as a family... hence the reason I was nearly in tears on Tuesday just thinking about the fact that we'd be returning to reality come Wednesday. I feel like I never can soak it up enough. But, I tried my hardest!

Our first day off together fell on Friday, July 1st.... our 5th wedding anniversary. How has five years already come and gone? It was a bit surreal to me all day that we've been married five years already, which only makes me wonder how surreal it'll feel when it's been ten, fifteen, or twenty years. (I hope to write a post of it's own someday soon about how five years feels, but for now that will have to wait.) While we had intended to spend the day in Holland as a family, the weather didn't quite cooperate with our plans so we ended up spending the day in the comforts of home before going out to dinner and the mall with Liana in tow. (I couldn't bear the thought of leaving her with a sitter two nights in a row, as we had a wedding the next night.) While the day didn't quite turn into the romantic event I had hoped for, I think we both found ourselves laughing during dinner as we wrangled an impatient two year old and realized that our day actually ended up being a perfect representation of who we are and just how far we've come these past five years. No glitz. No glamour. Just a nice dose of our everyday life... together. A life that we love. A life that we built, together. Is there a better gift than that?! I doubt it.

Saturday was a day of busyness for Mike and I. My mom came over bright and early to pick up Liana so that we could get some stuff done before attending our friend's wedding at 4. While Mike stayed home and worked in the yard and around the house, I ran errands and got ready for our evening. At 4pm, we arrived on the campus of GVSU for Dean and Jodi's wedding. They got married outside in the arboretum and while it was ridiculously hot (and humid!) which made it slightly miserable to sit through, I have to say that I've never heard a more beautiful ceremony. Maybe my hormones played a large part in the way I was feeling, but as I listened to the words being spoken, I found myself holding back tears. Following the ceremony we all headed downtown for the reception at The B.O.B. I definitely felt like the "old lady" of the group and Mike and I joked around all night about how I always seem to be pregnant at weddings. I have to say that it's not much fun watching everyone drink and let go of their inhibitions a little for one night while I sit there and feel as awkward as ever, but I made do. By the end of the night, I even made it onto the dance floor. We got to see and spend time with a lot of our old GVSU friends which made Mike's day/week/month/summer. I love seeing him so happy. While we thought about staying out even later, we made our way home and climbed into our bed around 12:30. It was a good thing, too, because Sunday was no day of rest for us. :)

Sunday morning, we actually slept in (this is unheard of for me, even when Liana's not home!). My mom brought Liana home around 11 which was just in time for nap. As she slept, Mike and I continued on with our long to-do list and when she woke up, we headed over to Aunt Barb & Uncle Mark's for a Kadzban Family Pool Party. I was disappointed that more people didn't come but I was still happy with those who did. Our cousins, Laura & Matt, are also expecting a baby and are due at the end of November so it was really nice to be able to catch up and hear that she's been feeling kicks too. Liana didn't enjoy the pool too much, however. While I got her to go in with me soon after we arrived, she was more than slightly traumatized when people started jumping off the diving board. So the rest of the time we tried to "ease" her into going back in with only a small amount of success. My peanut is certainly not a waterbug this year, that's for sure.

Monday was the day we had all been waiting for.... I love the 4th of July almost as much as I love Christmas & Thanksgiving. We made our way into Grandville to see the parade and Liana did GREAT! We had front row seats (not thanks to the hundreds of adults who for some reason feel THEY need a front row seat instead of my two year old... don't even get me started on this subject) thanks to a kind couple who had saved too much space for their family. Despite the fire truck sirens and loud horns blaring, she took it all in stride without a single tear. We ventured into the craft show after the parade had finished but soon realized it was getting late and Liana needed her nap. So we headed back out, but not before we ran into a few old friends & classmates first. :)

We headed back to my parents house for the afternoon to have lunch, let Liana nap, and float in the pool. We ended up staying there the entire day until we went back into Grandville to watch the fireworks. By this point, Liana had been ready for bed for a while so I knew we were pushing it. We decided to watch them from the parking lot at Rivertown Crossings because I was nervous that the bright lights and loud booms would scare her and if you know Grandville, you know it's no easy task to get out of there quickly on the night of the 4th. While the thought was a good one, I wouldn't go back to watch the fireworks there again.... they were surprisingly too far away to get the full experience. Liana lost interest really quickly and the minute they were done, we were out of there.

Finally, Tuesday was our final day off together. We took Liana to Millenium Park hoping that the Splash Pad would be enticing to her. It wasn't. After MUCH effort on our part, Mike and I realized it was a lost cause and left only 2 hours after arriving.

While all the activities of our vacation didn't quite turn out as we had hoped, I loved every.single.moment of our five days together. I loved being with my husband without a single interruption (ie... hockey or work). I loved that we got stuff done AND we got to do the fun stuff we've been wanting to do for so long now. I loved the memories made and how happy Liana was to have both her Mommy and Daddy with her for nearly five days straight.

I just loved it.

Since then, Mike and I have both gone back to work and back to reality. I have to say, I'm not always such a big fan! For the next three weeks, Mike is gone 3 nights a week (Mon, Tues, Thurs) for hockey which essentially means I'm on my own with our little one all 3 of those days. I've also scheduled my on-call hours for 2 of those Wed nights which realistically means I won't see him 4 nights in a row during those weeks. The reason he's gone 3 nights rather than his usual 1 night is because he's coaching summer camp so come August, we'll have him mostly to ourselves again.... forever. The head coach decided in June that he's not coming back in the fall which also means Mike and the other asst coaches aren't coming back either. While I'm sad that we won't have that extra bit of income each year, I'm elated at the fact that I'll have my husband all to myself each night, just when I need him the most.

I have to believe this was another way of God intervening and showing us what was best for ourselves when we didn't know ourselves.

So aside from all of that, we've had plenty of projects going on around our house in preparation for this new baby. Liana's "big girl" bedroom furniture was ordered last week and should be arriving this week or next. As a result, we've moved the guest bedroom from the room it's been in for the past three years to our other bedroom. I've been in decorating mode and I'm hoping that we'll paint her new room this weekend. While these kinds of transitions make me excited, they also provide me with a whole lot of anxiety. I'm not usually very good with change and I often find myself not ready for this one, even though it's stemming from something so wonderful. Part of the reason I'm not so good with change is because I'm terrible at making "big" decisions.... it took me 2 weeks to finally decide which bedroom suite to buy her! (Mike doesn't help this process, either, as unlike most men, mine is quite opinionated!) I research everything like crazy and have this deep need to "shop around" in order to save money wherever we can. While it always ends up benefiting us, it stresses me out in the process. Do you know how hard it is to "shop around" when you have a 2 year old in tow? Seriously!

My hope is that we'll transition her into her "big girl" bedroom sometime this month. I don't want to push her too quickly because if she's anything like me, she'll revolt against a "forced change". So we'll let her do it at her own pace and see how things go. I just pray that being in a "big girl" bed doesn't change her sleeping habits too much... this mama needs her sleep now more than ever!

Mike and I have also been toying with the idea of trying to potty train her this summer still. Again, this causes me great anxiety. First, I feel like she could be ready, but I don't want to push her because then she'll revolt. Second, I worry that she'll regress, as I've heard many kids do, once her little brother comes along.  Third, even though she can tell me after she goes potty and poo-poo, she rarely tells me before so I'm not sure that we're quite there yet. Part of my struggle is knowing that either we do it now or we have to wait another 6 months. There's no way I'm going to try and potty train right before the baby comes along... that's just asking for trouble. And there's no way I'm going to potty train with a newborn in the house.... I've heard that's self-induced torture. So should this not happen soon, I can only assume that we'd have to wait until January to take that next step into the world of being a big girl. I'm not happy about having her being almost three before she's trained, but I suppose this is just one more thing out of my control. Heck, who knows, maybe she'll surprise us all somewhere in the middle. :)

There are so many changes going on right now in the Kadzban house. While I'm completely overjoyed with the reality of all of them, like I said, they also cause me some anxiety. But this is the path on which we've been set. This is the path in which God has chosen for us. Ultimately, I'm more than okay with that.

Finally, I'll update you on our little guy.

Who blows me away everyday.

Liana wasn't a terribly active baby. I felt her move a lot at night but rarely during the day. This little boy moves all.the.time!!!! Between my visits for work, I sit with one hand on the steering wheel and one hand on my belly. I feel kicks, jabs, and pokes all day and right up until bed time. Only once has he woken me out of my sleep with his movements... but considering I'm only 23 weeks and I never experienced that with Liana, I'm a bit nervous for everything that's still to come. I just keep reminding myself that I better enjoy this stage while it lasts because those last 12 weeks could be incredibly brutal as I start to feel like a beached whale who's getting beaten up from the inside out. ;)

Okay, well I think I'll wrap up my update there... for now. There's still a million things I want to say but there's also a million other things I need to be doing right now.

I'll leave you with a few pictures of our last few weeks. :)

 6.27.11 - 21 weeks!

 7.2.11 - 22 Weeks! @ Dean & Jodi's Wedding.

 7.4.11 - Daddy and Liana at the 4th of July Parade! The way she looks at him makes me melt....

 My family of (almost) four. :)

 Too cute not to share.

Mike and Liana at Millenium Park.... NOT enjoying the water. ;)

One of the best.

It's 9:30 pm and I'm exhausted from a long day weekend. But I feel a need to say one thing for today....

Happy Father's Day, Michael.

I don't think I could ever put into words just how proud I am to have you as the father of my children. We've grown so much together over the past ten years (almost five married!) but nothing has brought me more joy than to see you blossom as a daddy.

Things haven't always been easy and yes, there were growing pains along the way.

But somewhere along the line, you became exactly what I had always hoped you would be.

Loving.

Caring.

Considerate.

Attentive.

Patient.

Affectionate.

Sensitive.

Playful.

Responsible.

Protective.

Understanding.

Sincere.

Joyful.

Helpful.

Reliable.

My go-to guy.

Involved. 

Committed.

Amazing.

Happy 3rd Father's Day, my love. I can't wait to see all the ways in which you continue to blossom as a daddy with the addition of our sweet baby boy. I know you'll be everything I've always dreamed of and more. <3

One very good weekend. One very happy heart.

So I've been slacking in the blogging department lately.... but you might want to get used to it. These next few weeks are going to be pretty chaotic for the Kadzban's with me trying to prepare for my licensing test that's scheduled for next Thursday, the 24th, and then Lily's 2nd birthday party the weekend following. In addition I'm trying to figure out if I should be throwing my own little one a 2nd birthday party... do all kids get a 2nd birthday party? Or should I do a family-only celebration this year and then throw a big bash for her 3rd?! (That's me looking for some input here, people!) :)

On to the update.

So, my eyes may be exhausted tonight, but my heart is happy. After a really chaotic week last week at work, this week has slowed down and is manageable... so far. I'm especially thankful for that as it gives me some time to prepare myself mentally for this test I'm about to take.

The icing on the cake came this weekend, though. And in all honesty, this weekend didn't just rock my socks off.... it lit them on fire.

Let me preface this by saying that I've been waiting for this weekend since mid December, when Kate called to say that despite the fact that she was in Chicago visiting Marty's family, she was having contractions at 34 weeks. After that "scare", we were both shocked into reality that Baby Kranz could be coming any day now. We hoped that Baby Kranz would wait until at least 37 weeks, which she(!) did. As early January rolled around though, we both started getting anxious. Kate's first little one, Lily, (who is only 5 weeks older than Liana) came 10 days early and was nearly 9 lbs. So naturally, we kind of expected baby #2 to come early as well.

Week 37 passed. Week 38 passed. Kate started losing her sanity (sorry Kate, you know it's true!) as she approached week 39. My bags had been packed and I was ready to drive to the east side of the state for nearly a week before the big night came. Finally, on January 26th and 4 days before Kate's due date, baby Kranz was coming. Charlotte (Charley) Renee Kranz was born on the morning of January 27th weighing in at 8 lbs 8oz!!

Unfortunately, Charley decided to do so the night before I was scheduled to go back to work. So again, I waited.

We were scheduled to go for a visit the weekend of Feb 4th and 5th but as is my luck, Liana came down with a cold that week before. So we postponed our visit one.more.week. At this point, it'd been 8 weeks of sitting on pins and needles to meet this little one and I was bursting at the seams with anticipation.

So this past weekend, we FINALLY made the trip to the east side of the state. And I have to say, although I hated the wait, it was WELL worth it.

I often overuse the word amazing... I realize this. But this weekend? Amazing.

First of all, it was my family of three's first time on a "weekend getaway" as a family of three. In nearly three years, Mike and I haven't gotten away together like this except to go to Jamaica last year. And never had we taken Liana on an overnight together.

Second of all, I've become quite accustomed to visiting The Kranz's without my husband because I'd always go during the week. That meant that Marty was usually the only guy in a house full of estrogen... something he's always been very accepting of, but it was nice to bring some testosterone with me for him to enjoy. Our boys bonded. Again. :)

Third, our girls bonded. All three of them!

Back in November, when Liana met Baby Easton, she was NOT fond of me holding another baby. So rightfully so, I was a little anxious to see how she'd do with me showing baby Charley some love. The first time I held Charley in my arms, she looked at me with a concerned face and said "Baby down?" as if saying, "Mom, put that baby down now!" But with some encouragement, she warmed up quickly. She checked on baby Charley all weekend and was fascinated with her.

 

 

It took a lot to get him to hold Charley... but once he did, I know he liked it. :)

My heart was simply overjoyed by this. Because it means she's ready.... something I've been quite scared of these past few months. (It also broke my heart a little because I was so fearful for the months I was pregnant that she wouldn't be okay with us bringing a new baby into the family... and now I know she would've been but there's no baby to be had.)

It was official: Liana loved Charley. As for Liana and Lily?

Bliss. These girls of ours bonded this weekend. My heart just skips a beat thinking about it. They didn't leave each others sides except for naptime and bedtime. In the morning, the first thing Liana asked for was Lily... and vice versa! While Kate and I were a little nervous as to how well they'd share, they did fantastic. There wasn't a sore spot in the entire weekend.

 

The initial re-introduction... it'd been 3 months since they've seen each other!

 We spent Sunday, which was Lily's 2nd birthday, at Bounce Party. Liana loved it a little more than Lily did... but they both did GREAT!

 Ms. Meg reading to our girls. She's the toddler whisperer. ;)

 Valentines Day was spent at Ikea before heading home... our girls were loving on each other big time by this point!

 

 

Almost best of all, I got to spend 48 hours with one of my best friends. Bond with her newest baby. See up close and personal what it looks like to have two kids. And I have to say, it looks a lot like this:

Kate's friendship means more to me than most. To be on the front lines and watch her family grow means more than anyone can even imagine. Our husbands give each other an endless amount of crap... which in guy language only means they kind of dig each other. ;) I can tell Kate anything. And all of this is only reiterated each time we have visits like this.

We came home on Monday and as usual, I had a sinking feeling in my gut. Because two of our closest friends, and two(!) of Liana's, are three hours away. I hate that. We've been home 48 hours now... the same amount of time we were there... and Liana hasn't stopped talking about The Kranz's.

Kate.
Marty.
Lily.
Charley.
And even Jager. :)

Someday, I hope our friends are back on the west side of the state. Until then... we'll have these visits to look forward to. <3

A very merry Christmas....

On our way to playgroup Christmas.... my sweet, sweet baby girl.

12.18... Opening her first gifts of 2011 with the Baker side.

12.19... Our first family Christmas without Grandma VK.

The only decent family photo we got this year!!

12.23

Christmas Eve with the Kadzban side!!

Did you know it's next to impossible to get a toddler to smile at just the right moment?!

Opening presents with daddy at Grandma & Grandpa's house

We spent Christmas morning at home... just the three of us. <3

Christmas afternoon at my parents house.... Liana LOVES her new kitchen set!

The best gift this mommy could ever ask for.

12.27... A family outing to Frederick Meijer Gardens to see the "Christmas Around the World" exhibit

Liana LOVED the trains that passed through the arboretum!!

Be still my heart.

"Look at the train daddy!"

Take two of three with Auntie Brittany. <3

This is what a USA tree should look like... in case you didn't know. ;)

Christmas 2010 was:
wonderful.
joyful.
busy.
but not chaotic.... so just how i like it.
fun.
full of memories and "firsts".
spent with family in all the right ways.

I'd also like to say that it's official..... I LOVE weekends off. I LOVE spending time with my husband and my little girl. I LOVE feeling like a family of three for the first time.... ever.

Life is good right now. Still full of ups and downs, but good.

I'm eager to ring in 2011. I'm hopeful for the new year because 2010 wasn't all that easy on me/us between my job hunt and losing our baby (should I even mention the fact that I would've been 20 weeks today and finding out the gender?).

I'm eager for more joy to return to my life.

I want to feel brand new again.

One more thing.... Mike and I are celebrating 10 years of togetherness on Friday.

The night it all began... 12.31.00

Ten is a big number for this little family. If you know my husband, you know why. (But for those of you who don't, I won't leave you in the dark.... #10 is Mike's hockey number and his FAVORITE number. He even celebrates 10/10 for cripes sake... must I mention that 10/10/10 was this year and he about flipped out?!) 

I'm proud of ten years. I hope we ring it in right. <3