I've intentionally not updated for a while now, which should come as no surprise to anyone.
I'm actually planning to shut the blog down sooner rather than later but for some reason, I just feel like this post needs to be written. It's too much work keeping this up anymore and quite frankly, I'm ready to focus my energy on other things. On average, it takes me an hour to write one post because I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to putting my thoughts into words. It's not worth it anymore... that's an hour I could be spending with my kids, or Mike, on myself or getting something done. So more than likely, this will be my last post.
Things have been different lately. The last time I wrote about me, I wasn't in a good place. The first three months of the year were pretty ruthless on this heart of mine. I sunk to the lowest of lows, missing my Dad and coming to grips with the reality of our situation. During those three months, my whole world changed all over again. It seriously felt as though the foundation I had been standing on for the past year (and in some cases, even longer) was crumbling below me. Mike and I had some of our darkest of days as a married couple, I was a mess of a mother, a mess of an employee, a mess of a daughter & sister. My world was in shambles.
In April, I received a letter from my Dad. There wasn't anything special to it, it just was what it was. I could see the way in which he was trying to garnish my attention and sympathy, discussing the dramatics that goes on around him on a daily basis. After a few weeks, I mailed him back but kept my letter short and to the point: I miss the man you were, not the man you have been... Liana and Lukas are doing well.... The end.
My hope all this time was that he would see that I was trying so desperately to extend an olive branch to him. I was praying that one day, he'd let down that wall he had built so high and actually let me in. He'd see that while I loved him, I wasn't going to let him hurt me again. I hoped that he would eventually see my actions as those done in love, not out of hate. I even hoped that maybe, just maybe, someday he'd take ownership of what he did and apologize for how he had devastated us all.
May 6th, I got a second letter. It started out well enough, talking about how he misses Liana and Lukas and how he can't stand the thought of missing out on their lives. But before I knew it, "bad dad" began to rear his ugly head again. He blamed me for everything that had happened, accused me of trying to steal everything he had, told me that I never gave him the "benefit of the doubt" and swore up and down that none of this had been premeditated (which is such a joke). He told me not to send any more care packages (we had sent one in March) because he's "better off without them". Essentially, he told me never to try and have contact with him again and then proceeded to remind me of his wishes for funeral plans.
Needless to say, I was crushed one last and final time. How could he treat me this way? I was trying to take care of him the only way I knew how but instead of seeing the good I was trying to do, he only saw my actions as evil.
Oh the irony.
I wallowed for a while after that last letter came. Then a few days later I realized something that probably seems so simple to the rest of you.... He's just not worth it.
I wish he was. I wish I had a dad that loved me selflessly. But the fact of the matter is, I don't. My father is one of the most selfish and self-absorbed people I've ever met.
And yes, it pains me to say that. But the truth so often hurts, doesn't it?
Since then, I've been better. I haven't thought much about him because it doesn't do me any good. I've let go a lot of the anger and grief I had been holding on to. There's been so many big changes in my life so far in 2014, both dealing with the loss of my dad and others I had been close to. There's been a lot of loss.
But for the first time in a long time, I feel good. I feel like I've made it through the storm and the sun is finally shining again. My heart feels lighter. I look back and see this past year as a test- one which I've passed. My life doesn't feel devoid of anything or anyone.... it feels like this is exactly the way it's supposed to be. I look at my friendships and relationships differently now... these are the people that stood by my side through my darkest of days and came out on the other side with me. They're the ones that held me up when I felt like I was falling. There were people who I thought would be at the finish line with me but weren't. However, I'm at peace knowing that's the way it was supposed to be.
After nearly 15 months, I hope that I am free from my grief... at least for a long while. (I still dread the day I get a telephone call from my sister saying that something is wrong or that he's gone.)
Our day-to-day life is busier than ever. I find so much joy in watching my kids grow and trying to embrace the time we have together as I know it's fleeting. We continue to make our house a home and are *thisclose* to being done with all of our big outside projects. (We finally have a beach... with sand!) Mike and I are in a good place again and I'm so thankful that God has blessed me with such a good man and that my kids will never have to feel pain at the hands of their father.
The bottom line?
I feel happy and blessed.
And even though I haven't always understood His plan for me, I find comfort in knowing that He has one. Probably a good one too. :)
