Where does the time go?

I know, I know.... I'm a bad little blogger.

Honestly, I don't know how mothers of multiple children find the time to keep these things up. When it was just Liana I was able to write during naptime or after bedtime. But since Lukas has come along, I don't get much down time during the day (let alone an hour, which is what it usually takes me to get my thoughts out!) and by the end of it, I'm too exhausted to think. But yet, I don't want to give this up. It's one of my many ways of keeping track of all the places this life has taken us as a family and there's great value in that.

This past week has been an emotional one for me. One full of confusion and regret. Because I realized this week that the past year seems to have slipped by me. In the chaos of this crazy life of ours, I feel like I've failed to "take it all in". My guilt especially plagues me when it comes to Lukas but even with Liana a bit too.

I was always told that things are drastically different with your second child but oh how I underestimated that. I realized this week that I haven't taken pictures or videos of Lukas like I took with Liana. I've missed moments that I can't get back. Granted, I succeeded at getting the "biggies" such as him rolling over, starting solids, crawling and then walking. But for every moment I've caught, there are a hundred I didn't. Now I know I shouldn't place too much guilt on myself because realistically, I can't capture everything. But I just don't feel like I've done enough for him. I wonder if I'm going to look back some day and wonder what else I missed. And because I've been so caught up in the chaos of our day-to-day, I know that even more importantly I've forgotten to soak it up. Those moments where he just wants his mommy. Watching him play with his sister. Watching him discover new things in this great big world that he's never known before.

I think it bothers me even more because at this point, we plan on Lukas being our last. And here I was, lost in it all.

With regards to Liana, I have these moments where I look at her and become a little broken-hearted over the fact that my "baby girl" isn't a baby anymore. How did we get to three and a half so quickly? How did we get to having an imagination and abstract thoughts and feelings? How did we get to the point where she's such a little girl?

I just feel like their childhood is just slipping away. And I'm desperate to hold onto it.

While I had been feeling guilty like this for a while, it came crashing home this week during one of my visits. In that visit, I listened to the husband of my patient mourn over how he "just needs more time" as it "just gets away from you."

I just don't want it to get away from me. I wish I could slow things down. Completely absorb every single minute of every single day. I look at my kids and wish I could pause that moment in time and place it in a box to keep so that I can look back on it later and re-experience that exact moment, that exact detail of what they were like.

Again....I just don't want it to get away from me.

Usually, work is a release for me. Its my chance to get out of the house and be an adult. But last week, it wasn't. I resented being at work because all I really wanted to do was be at home with my kids. To make matters worse, it wasn't a good week anyways. Long days make for a tired mama who desperate as she tries, can't seem to keep things together.

I wish I knew the remedy for this but unfortunately, I know there isn't one. Time continues to pass and my children continue to grow. I know that one day all too soon, I'll be watching my children as they care for their children.

With all of these emotions taking over, I am making an effort to be more present when I'm with my kids. I want to be the mom they deserve. And I want to live without regrets of what I "should have" done. I want to capture the memories we make... through blogging, through video, through pictures. Because after the time has passed, I want to be able to look back and remember so vividly what this time in my life was like. What they were like whether it be at one, two, five or ten.

So here I am, hoping to be better. Mom's often sacrifice their own needs for that of their family's and I admit, I'm a guilty party. I do feel confident in saying, though, that this act of selfishness isn't just going to benefit me but should benefit the rest of my family as well. :)