"If you're gonna make a change, you're gonna have to operate from a new belief that says life happens not to me, but for me."
-Tony Robbins-
Change. It often comes when we least expect it.
Almost two weeks ago now, I was sitting in a morning meeting when I received a text from my job share partner, Meg, asking if we could meet up after my meeting. It wasn't like her to text me while I was working because when I'm working, she's not. Even more so, she had never asked me to meet up on such short notice. Both of these things being out of her character, I knew something was up. Throughout the rest of that meeting I couldn't help but wonder what was going on and while I thought I had an idea as to what she would want to meet about (that couldn't wait and needed to be shared in person instead of over the phone), I was quickly surprised by the conversation that unfolded.
Almost two weeks ago now, my work-life as I know it was turned upside down. In five simple words, in less than one minute, everything changed.
"I've decided to leave hospice."
I remember feeling as though time stood still after she said those few simple words. I had to repeat that sentence in my head a few times for it to truly sink in. As I did, the my internal conversation sounded a bit like this:
"Did she just say what I think she said? Did she just say she's leaving me? Yep, that's what she said. She's leaving me. How can she leave me? Wait wait wait... am I sure I heard her right? Is she really leaving? Yes, I heard it right. She's leaving. Well what the hell am I going to do now?"
And while I knew this day would eventually come, I wasn't expecting it so soon. The surprise felt a little like getting hit by a bus... which I have in fact experienced once before. :)
I tried to maintain my composure as we sat in that Biggby. I wasn't terribly successful.
"I'm so happy for you. I'm just so sad for me", I explained. Multiple times. In between the tears and the ugly cries.
I didn't want to make her feel bad. I still don't want to make her feel bad.
I am so happy for her. Seriously.
But for the past two years, we've had this amazing thing, her and I. She's been the icing to my cake. The tootsie to my roll. We're such different people but somehow we've built this incredible working relationship that I'm just so sad to let go of. She's the only person that understands what we do and how we do it well. When I need to debrief, she always picks up the phone even though she's not on the clock. When I need advice on how to handle a situation, she's always there to talk me through it. She helps me stay sane when I feel like I'm about to lose it.
That kind of support has been invaluable to me. She's taught me (almost) everything I know about case management.
For two days, it took everything in me to hold back the tears and to be honest, I wasn't all that successful. My long drive home at the end of each day were filled with them.
And she knew it. She knew this was hard on me without me even having to tell her. And she called to check in.
And listen to me cry... that same ugly cry, nonetheless. :)
The more I thought about it, the more I realized why this was so hard.
SHH has been a part of my life for four years now. And since the day I started, she was there. When I got hired in I was newly pregnant, nauseous and exhausted. While training me I confided this in her before anyone else and as she took me from visit to visit, she let me nap in the car while she drove. She taught me so much and was my go-to girl. Even when I was working weekends, I could call her if I had a tough case come up that I didn't know what to do with. She taught me the ropes about case management... how to balance my time and most importantly, my energy, between patients. Those teachings have been invaluable.
She's been my constant in a constantly changing work world. She's pulled me through some tough stuff, both personally and professionally. She's always... always... had my back.
Even as she gave her resignation notice, she advocated for me to ensure that I wasn't going to get "screwed over" by her departure. She knew that this could be a good thing for me, even though the growing pains may hurt a little. Or a lot.
I realized last week that of all the things I've experienced while doing hospice work, losing her as my job share partner has been the hardest for each of these reasons.
We were so blessed to have this role together for the past two years. To have such a strong partnership and to have such complete trust in each other while we covered one another's caseloads during our "off" days.
I would've been naive to think that it would be like this forever. Change happens. It's the only constant in this crazy world of ours.
But that doesn't make it any less difficult. While growth is a good thing, it can also be a painful thing... hence the reason they're called "growing pains".
Thankfully, I'm starting to see that this change may be a blessing of it's own because now I'll be covering a territory much closer to home... Wyoming, Jenison, Grandville, Hudsonville. My (minimum) commute of 45 minutes will now be more like 5 minutes. My productivity will increase. I'll be able to chart at home rather than sit in a Meijer parking lot at the end of the day. I'll be able to stop home for lunch instead of buying it on the road. I'll be closer to my kids in the event that they need me. My 8 hour days should be able to stay at 8 hours rather than somewhere between 10 and 12. And I'll be a better mom and a better wife because of it.
Leaving my "north team" has been a hard decision... one of my hardest work decisions to date, in fact. I'm leaving a team that I genuinely care for and respect both as colleagues and as friends. I'm leaving nurses that I love to work with. But in return, I'm getting time. Time with my kids. Time with Mike. Time for me.
That time is valuable in and of itself. It's one of the few things in life you can't get back.
So while change isn't easy and nothing is certain, I'm thankful for this path I'm on. I just hope that it's as good to me as the last one was. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment