Kickin' it with The Kadzban's: The news is out....

So, after weeks of anticipation, anxiety, fear and excitement, our news is finally out....

We're 12.5 weeks pregnant!

This pregnancy has been as just a big of a part of my "rollercoaster" as my miscarriage was. Because in all reality, they're just two different moments of the same ride. It's cause and effect, my friends.

It took me 4 months to finally feel like I was ready to let my guard down again. On February 23rd, when that pregnancy test turned positive, I realized my guard was still up. And it's stayed up. I thought my heart would be ready for nothing other than excitement but honestly, I've felt more fear than anything. Fear that something would go wrong again. Fear that my heart would hurt like that again. Fear that I'd attach and then lose the very being that I was so deeply & intrinsically attached to.

Only in the past few days, since going to our 12 week appointment and hearing the heartbeat again, have I felt a wave of relief. I'm still guarded and still hesitant but with each passing day, I'm less fearful. More hopeful. More excited.

Dr. LaGrand has been wonderful throughout these past 9 weeks since we found out. The night before my licensing test I started spotting again, just as I had before the miscarriage. I called him out of pure desperation for words that would redeem my heart and while he couldn't give them to me that night, I saw our baby's flickering heartbeat the next day on that ultrasound screen. I was only 6 weeks along at the time... I didn't even think it was possible to see a heartbeat at 6 weeks, but God made it happen for me that day. He knew how badly I needed it and He was there. I have never felt such relief in my life - nor such gratitude. Since then, I've had three ultrasounds. I know Dr. LaGrand did them simply to reassure a scared mama and for that I'll be forever appreciative.

I still grieve the loss of our last baby. I still wonder why. But now, I just put my faith into God and trust that it was all for a greater reason.

Mike and I have new hope for our future now. We are due November 3rd and I'm so ready to see what God's big plan for our family was and what this little person will be like.