Potty Trained!!!

Well, it's official....

Lukas is potty trained!

It came on without much warning and at first I didn't think I was ready for it but now I'm so glad I don't have to change diapers anymore. :)

It all started on March 13th. After one of the little boys in his class (who's six months younger than Lukas) started training, I made a joke in passing to the director of the program about peer pressure and how it's "supposed" to making potty training easier. At that point, I didn't feel we were any closer to training than we had been in months. Lukas was showing no interest in the potty seat and while he was waking up dry some nights, this was few and far between and the only "sign" we were seeing that he was getting ready. Well, she took my comment quite literally and responded with, "Well, if you want to send him a few extra days next week, I know we can do it." Before I knew it, my head was spinning and we had made plans for him to attend school Tuesday through Friday the following week.

I left school that day in a bit of a panic. What had I just done?! I didn't think he was ready for this and I knew I wasn't ready for this! After all, no more diapers means no more "babies" in the house. Was I really ready to let go of the fact that my little boy wasn't my "baby" anymore?! It's so much harder to let go of things like this when you know you're not having more.

That night, I forced myself on board. This couldn't be about me, after all. This needed to be about Lukas. He's 2.5 and while it wasn't clear that he was ready, it was worth a shot. He was the oldest boy in his class not potty trained, after all. I made plans to take him to the store the next day to look for Spiderman underwear because if you know my child right now, you know he's OBSESSED with Spiderman. The next morning came and once we got home, we began our efforts. Stickers were ready, charts were made, candy was set out. Positive reinforcements were everywhere. It was just the two of us at home that day so I had plenty of attention to give to him... but yet, no success.

Saturday and Sunday slowly got better but not by much. A few successes were had the entire weekend but mostly, we had accidents. Mike and I gave up, thinking it just wasn't worth it in the moment as we knew he'd do better once at school.

Come Tuesday, we got the kids ready and put Lukas in his big boy underwear before heading off to school. He had a couple of accidents that day but also had a few successes. His teachers were vigilant about putting him on the potty every 30 minutes until they realized he had a stronger bladder than that and increased it to every hour. Wednesday was more of the same and both nights, I ended up throwing his shoes in the washer. Poor kid!

Thursday, the improvement really started to show. We were so proud of our little guy but most importantly, he was so proud of himself! One more day of daycare and the consistency they provided really sealed the deal. It was amazing! Potty training had been such a feat with Liana and with Lukas, it seemed so easy. I know that's because they did most of the hard work for us but hey, I'm okay with that. It's been two full weeks now and we've only had a couple of accidents since then. The kid has the bladder of a champion (something that's appreciated since his 5 year old sister certainly does not) and can go hours without a potty break. He wakes up from his naps dry most of the time but usually wets during the night.... we're continuing to use diapers/pull-ups during sleep time to be safe.

Surprisingly enough, all of the positive reinforcements we had on hand and used for Liana weren't needed with Lukas. Once in a while he'll put a sticker on his "potty chart" but other than that, it seems he finds enough satisfaction in the sense of accomplishment he feels by succeeding. As a mom, that's really encouraging and I hope this personality characteristic stays with him for years to come. :)

I'm so incredibly proud of my little boy.... just knowing he's not wearing diapers anymore makes him seem so much older. But more so than anything, I love to watch the pride he feels in himself knowing that he's "one of the big kids" now.♥

The big T-W-O.

Today my baby boy is another year further from babyhood as he turned the big T-W-O.

When it comes to Lukas, every day we move further away from babyhood is a good day in my book. After all, I think everyone who keeps track of me and knew me when Lukas was a baby knows how difficult that first year was.

Now that we've reached 2 years old, I can safely say that my little guy is my everything. I never knew how much I could love having a little boy. It's tough for me to put my finger on why this is the case but it is. Maybe it's his excitement for life. His adventurous spirit. The way that he both loves and angers fiercely. He's got this tough guy exterior with this gentle interior. He's amazing and I can't get enough of him.

At two years old here's where Lukas Ryan is, what he's capable of, and where he's going:

Lukas is wearing size 2T clothes, top and bottom. We had his two year checkup this morning and he's 75th percentile for height (35.5 in) and 25th for weight (27 lbs). Following in his sister's footsteps, he's tall and lean. People say he looks more like he's three but I don't see it.... I suppose I'm just used to having tall kiddos. While his communication skills have always been a bit slower than I expected, he's starting to speak in small sentences and we can understand almost everything he wants/needs at this point. Last week he started saying some colors (yellow, blue, red) and out of the blue he said "Star!" when looking at a book. He can also count to ten because he's just a smarty pants like that. :)

He loves trucks. Big trucks. We're learning what types of trucks there are in this world and doing so quickly. He gets so excited when we're in the car and he sees a "big truck" somewhere around us. He also can identify trains and boats. Apparently he loves all things big and noisy... go figure. :)

Currently, Lukas is obsessed with Barney and Elmo much to his mothers dismay. I remember watching Barney with my baby cousins about 20 years ago and thinking to myself then how much I looked forward to the day I'd never have to watch a big purple dinosaur again. Well I had a nice reprieve but now Barney is back and bigger than ever. At least I can say that my kids learn some valuable lessons from Barney and that counts for something, right?! Lukas is going to be Elmo for Halloween this year and while he had the choice between having an Elmo birthday party and a Mickey birthday party, he opted for the Mickey party. He also loves Thomas the Train and loves "Boby" the best (aka Toby the caboose train).

He remains in his crib and I'm hoping that he'll be in it for another year or so. However, I do know that once we start potty training (maybe in about six months or so? I'm definitely not rushing this even though I think he'll be my easier child to train...) we'll have to take one of the sides off and use it as a daybed.

Our little boy is a growing boy, easily evidenced by his food intake. I'm trying desperately to teach my children better eating habits than I've always had and trying to keep them from snacking all day long. But with two growing kids, this proves difficult at times! Lukas would eat all day, every day if I let him. He loves cereal, bananas, mac and cheese, yogurt, cheese sticks, and cookies best. He usually eats pretty well for dinner and never puts up a fuss about what we make (unlike his picky-pants sister!). He loves milk and water but isn't a big fan of juice. I made him hot chocolate last week for the first time this year and he LOVED it.

Lukas has some pretty sweet athletic abilities and while I may be biased in saying that, I've been told this by some of his teachers as well. He's great at tumbling as Liana comes home from gymnastics to teach him her new moves. Summersaults are nothing for this kid! He jumps off of everything and I've pretty much stopped trying to control it. He jumps from the 3rd stair down to the floor, off the couches and end tables, and out of the car (once it's parked, of course!) everywhere we go. He's pretty fearless but he's learning the meaning of "Be careful." Lukas loves to throw his football and kick his soccer ball. We took him bowling for the first time last weekend and he tried to kick the bowling ball down the alley! He's also picking up on the fact that his daddy LOVES hockey and so now, Lukas seems to LOVE hockey too. He has two hockey shirts that I bought him this year and he gets so excited to wear them when I pull them out of the closet. Mike bought a pair of adjustable ice skates that both he and Liana can wear this winter out on the lake (I'm not too fond of that idea but I know it'll be a losing battle if I pursue it.). Finally, Lukas also loves baseball and will sit next to Mike on the couch and watch a baseball game with his daddy. It's pretty adorable.

My two year old is still obsessed with his cubby bear and paci. In fact, he carries around two security blankets with him - cubby bear and monkey. He won't go anywhere without these three security items and we've learned a tough lesson each time we've accidently left them at home. The minute he gets in the car he's got to have all three within his possession. When he's losing his patience somewhere, these are the only three things that may be able to buy us some time. He carries them around pretty much all day, every day. I'm quite eager to get rid of the pacifier as I know his attachment to it is going to continue to deepen as he gets older. I'm hoping that happens sometime very soon as i just found out he's not allowed to have it in the two's room at daycare.... which he moves into next week. Yikes.

Lukas's personality is the epitome of sweet and sour. While we used to call Liana a "sour patch kid", there is no one that is better suited for this nickname than Lukas Ryan! Lukas is the sweetest child I know in so many respects. He loves to snuggle when he's not too busy playing. When he gets hurt, he takes so much solace in my arms and lays his head right down on my shoulder as I'm holding him for comfort. He's gentle with his friends and while he's been the victim of biting and hitting at school, he hasn't been found at the giving end of those behaviors all too often. I am smitten by the way he apologizes... when he's done something naughty and we tell him to apologize, he walks up to the person he hurt and rubs his fisted hand over their chest (which is sign language for "I'm sorry") and then so sweetly says, "I sowwwy." He can be so easy going when he wants to be, often allowing Liana to have her way with things while playing together. He absolutely adores his big sister and she is definitely the peanut butter to his jelly right now. While they do fight sometimes, this is usually short lived and I'd say that 75% of the time they are the best of friends. His feelings do get hurt easily though and while I hate when he's sad, I never mind being the one to make it all better.

On the flip side, Lukas remains a fireball. He is sassy! And loud! And disagreeable! (How can one be disagreeable and yet easygoing? I'm still trying to figure that one out myself....) He's learned the word "NO!" and uses it often. He throws the biggest temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way, complete with throwing himself down on the floor and all. He screams bloody murder when he's upset. Liana always says, "LUKAS! YOU'RE HURTING MY EARS!" and I have to say, I agree with her. His screams are high pitched and they make me want to run for the hills most times. This kid knows what he wants and when he wants it. Sometimes, distraction still works but he's become too smart for his own good these past few months and even if we can distract him for a moment, he usually remembers what he wanted and continues to push for it. He doesn't listen well, at all, and challenges us time after time. I've never loved a person so incredibly much yet been so incredibly annoyed by them as well, often within the same five minute span of time. Only Lukas could do that for me. He is my firecracker and while it wears on us from time to time, I ultimately do love that part of his personality. :)

Back to the daycare issue... Lukas continues to go to daycare two days a week. While he's been in the toddler room for the past 10 months, he's moving up to the Two's Room on November 4th. I'm already dreading this change because I love the women that care for him now. They are so good and so patient and I just can't stand the thought of him leaving them. Plus, he'll be leaving his friends behind for a little while until they move up to the Two's Room with him (thankfully, he does have at least one other friend in the Two's Room that moved up a few months ago). I do know though that the Two's teachers will likely be equally wonderful as Ms. Becky and Ms. Barb have been. Forest Grove CLC has been such a godsend to Mike and I as there's never been a single day in which I've found something to worry about when it comes to the care my children receive while I'm at work.

While Lukas loves babies, it doesn't seem like he'll be a big brother any time soon. Mike and I are very happy with our family of four and we're still pretty confidant that it'll stay this way. Plus, Liana says "No more babies!" whenever we ask her whether she wants another little brother/sister.

Watching Lukas grow into a two year old both feels like it took forever and it happened in the blink of an eye. I think about how hard those first months were and I can't fathom going through it again. There were so many days that I felt like this was never going to get better. But then magically, one day, it did. And while my baby boy may be fierce at times, he is equally as sweet.

And, I adore him.

Mama loves you, Lukas Ryan. I can't wait to see where the next year takes us!

The sweet spot.

Finally.

After 20 months of chaos and feeling like I was just barely keeping my head above the water most days when it came to being a mom, I've hit "the sweet spot."

I read this article last night and while I'm not quite to that sweet spot yet, I've hit a different one of my own.

Lukas is finally and consistently sleeping through the night. Halleleujah, it's about damn time! I forgot how wonderful it is to go to bed each night and sleep straight through the night.

He's finally communicating with us. He can respond appropriately to yes or no answers and ask for things that fulfill his basic needs. I feel like I finally understand how to meet his needs which has made him much happier an in turn, me much happier as well.

He's finally done teething. Even his two year molars are through. No more wiping snotty noses constantly and trying to soothe a fussy, whiny little boy. No more around the clock Tylenol and/or Motrin.

Best of all, my kids finally love each other!

Now granted, they've always loved each other. We would have moments in which we'd find them treating each other with that love but those moments were usually fleeting and sometimes, few and far between.

But now, they play together. They sit next to each other on the couch, even though there's a whole lot of empty space around them on which they could also sit. I find them having a dance party in Liana's room, smiling and giggling and genuinely enjoying each other's company. Liana loves to pick up her little brother and give him giant bear hugs or help him see things that are just a bit too high for him to see otherwise. They miss each other when they're apart and run to each other when they're reunited. They both love to read books and now they love to read them together and if Liana had it her way, Lukas would be sitting on her lap instead of on mine.

They love each other.

And it's the best thing ever.

I can finally get other stuff done around the house because they play. Together. Without fighting. (Most of the time at least).

I feel a bit more confident in running errands with both kids. Lukas still hates to sit in the cart but at least he'll stay a bit closer to me.

And Liana is now just old enough to help me keep my eyes on him. If he runs away in the store, she runs after him and tackles him to the ground until I can catch up to them. I can run upstairs to take a quick shower or get ready and leave them downstairs together because I know she'll rat him out if he starts to get into trouble. She looks out for her brother and helps to take care of him... something I'm not only proud of her for but appreciative of.

All of this added together means just one thing... we're here. We made it. We've hit that "sweet spot". The one where life with my kids finally feels a lot less crazy and a lot more fun. The one where I want to eat them up because they're so damn cute and I love spending time with them.

Right now, I'm thankful that my little boy is 21 months old (today!!). I loved him as a baby but I love him even more as a toddler. I love that the hardest days as a family of four are behind us... at least for a while. I'm sure we'll have plenty of other rocky spots as we grow but for now, I'm just thankful for where we are.

So, so thankful.

Lukas: Fifteen Months Old.

The fact that my baby boy is 15 months old already is a bit difficult to wrap my mind around.

I know his first birthday was supposed to signify that he was no longer a baby and was now a toddler but I've been having a difficult time wrapping my mind around that as well.

Living in denial is becoming more and more trying though.

Lukas Ryan Kadzban, at 15 months old, seems to have left his baby-hood behind him. I'm pretty sure that at the moment when he transitioned into toddlerhood, whenever that may have actually been, I heard him say the words "eat my dust!" to the days past and the mere thought of being my baby boy anymore.

How dare he. :)

It's not so much that I miss having an actual baby around. (Well, some moments I do.) But with each passing day, I'm again reminded that he's doing to me what his sister before him did.... growing up too fast. I wish for his mom's sake he'd slow down a bit, in more ways than one.

So at 15 months, here's a snapshot of my not-so-baby boy:

This kid is busy. He came out of the womb busy and I'm pretty convinced he's intending to stay this way. Despite my attempts to slow him down a bit, he's just not interested in doing so. Liana used to love watching Baby Einstein videos with me but Lukas could care less about anything on the television. I think I've caught him watching Curious George and Mickey only a handful of times but it never lasts for long. I definitely don't need another "TV Ted" like his sister is, but it would be nice to have him sit with me for 30 minutes a day to snuggle and watch a video that might teach him something... or at least entertain him for a bit! He truly doesn't stop moving - I'm fairly certain that he paces the house and walks more miles a day than the rest of his family put together does.

He has yet to become preferential to any particular toys. However, he does love anything sports related. We have some mini-sticks that he'll play hockey with and he loves to throw balls. For being only 15 months, he has a surprisingly good arm and can already get the ball to its intended target! I often wonder if we have a budding soccer play because he can handle a soccer ball just as well. We took him to the GVSU Alumni Hockey game last night because Mike was playing and he was like a kid in a candy store. For the first ten minutes, he sat on mine and his Grandpa's lap and was just enamored by the action on the ice. In true Lukas fashion, he lost interest after that and instead wanted to run up and down the walking space in front of the bleachers. He also likes things he can push whether it be the toy vacuum, a big truck, or his sister's doll stroller.

Lukas has two comfort items that he cannot live without: his cubby and his paci. While he does have a primary cubby, he's non-discriminatory and will snuggle with other cubbies as well. He loves to snuggle up to Liana's lovey which usually leads to one of my two kids in tears. He has another lovey that a friend gave us and at times I'll catch him running around with that. When I pick him up at the end of the day from daycare, he automatically starts thrashing through the diaper bag in order to find cubby and paci for the ride home. Thankfully, daycare doesn't allow him to have these items during the daytime hours except at naptime. I'm hoping that we'll get rid of his paci's sometime in the next few months as I'm determined to do so by his second birthday. I think once we do he'll actually sleep better at night because he still wakes up and needs help finding them... despite the fact that we throw 3-4 in there to make it easier for him!

Sleeping is a bittersweet topic... he's remarkably easy to put to bed but as I just mentioned, he still wakes up during the night. I've come to accept this and I no longer stress about it because a) there's nothing I can do to change it, other than to let him cry it out, which I know does not work for him and b) I know it won't last forever. But I do think it's comical when other parents complain about their babies not sleeping and here we are 15 months later still getting up with our kid 1-2x every night! He has 16 teeth now and the only other ones he needs are his two year molars. So far it seems as though those are holding off and so Mike and I are both hoping that this sleeping issue will continue to improve.

And while I'm on the subject of teething, I must say that my children are proof that women are the stronger sex when it comes to pain. Liana was barely phased by teething. Lukas, well, he's a different story. :)

Lukas is my "sweet and sassy" boy. Mike and I have referred to Liana as our "Sour Patch Kid" for the past couple years and while that would also be extremely fitting for Lukas, it just wasn't right to use the same moniker twice. Until we come up with a better one, he'll remain "Sweet and Sassy". The kid is so full of love... I had often heard that boys are more affectionate than girls and I can now confirm that it's true. He loves to give hugs and he loves to be held (not still... just held while you're doing something that he wants to watch). He often runs up to us and throws his arms around our legs and buries his head into the space between. Just recently he's learned how to give kisses and while they're a bit wet, they're totally worth the extra slobber. He adores his sister and loves to be a part of whatever it is that she's doing. He's also becoming quite enamored with the dogs and I've caught him sitting next to Bauer and petting him.

On the sassy side of things, this kid does an A+ job of driving his mother mad sometimes! He is such a troublemaker and always getting into something he shouldn't be. Even worse, he knows it and still chooses to do it! He continues to love the trash can and the dishwasher, much to my chagrin. He's learned how to unlock and open the dishwasher and then proceeds to use it as a stepstool. (Yes, I'm terrified he's going to break it.) He's been better about the dog bowls but every now and again, I'll catch him with a morsel of dog food in his mouth. (I no longer take it out either because I'm a Grade A mom like that.) He loves to throw food on the floor once he's done eating, in addition to whatever else is on his tray. (We've lost two dishes this month because of it.) He doesn't like to listen and when I ask him to come to me, he looks at me with that naughty little grin and runs the other way instead. Finally, he's kind of an emotional basketcase at times... he cries, a lot. Over the big things and over the smallest of things. He cries most often when he's not getting his way and he's feeling angry or frustrated.

I'm absolutely certain that I'm going to have my work cut out for me with this kid and while he tests my patience over and over again, he makes up for it the minute he turns into the sweet little boy that I adore.

Lukas's apetite hasn't changed much in recent months and he is still eating us out of house and home. He eats far more than his sister does on any given day and often times, more than his mom does too! He eats just about anything we put in front of him. I really hopes that this continues and that I don't have TWO picky eaters on my hands!

In the past month, our little guy has battled pink eye, the stomach flu and multiple colds. One of the many "benefits" of daycare, wouldn't you say? We're ready to start feeling better around here and stop going through a box of tissues every few days.

Language has been a slow progression with Lukas. He started talking before his first birthday but then his words disappeared for a while. He's now trying to say more things and it's so exciting to hear him put his sounds together! His favorite word right now is "daddy" and he says it often but only when Mike is actually around. I've also caught him saying either "Lovey" or "Cubby" in the past week. "Uh oh" is a common one and he uses this when he's done something mischievous and naughty.

Lukas continues to do great at daycare. Since moving into the toddler room at the beginning of January, he's struggled a bit with getting new teachers and now cries some mornings when we drop him off. But as the time goes by, it has gotten better. He loves to play with the other kids and be in an environment where he's socially, emotionally, and physically challenged to do things he wouldn't necessarily do at home. Both he and Liana are there every Tues & Thursday.

His favorite song right now is the "Ooo eee ooo aaah aaah" (teeng tang walla walla bing bang) song. Grandpa taught him this one and he sings it all the time. He only knows the first part though and he'll sing it with the intention of you mimicking him. When you do, his smile lights up the room. It's awesome. :)

And finally, the basics: Bedtime is between 7 and 8pm. Naptime is between noon and 1pm. Some mornings he wakes up early and some mornings he'll sleep until 8:30. He's wearing 18-24 month clothes and his torso is longer than his legs, which is the opposite of his sister. He's had two haircuts now and didn't sit as nicely for the second one as he did the first one... apparently the dum-dum suckers have lost their touch on him! I'm guessing he weighs between 25 and 26 lbs now and it's becoming more of a challenge to carry him for anything longer than a few minutes.

I am so thankful that God blessed me with this little guy. :)

Happy 15 months sweet boy! I love you!



Look at me, daddy spiked my hair! :)



From one to two.

Nearly two years ago when I was just a few months pregnant with Lukas, I had a conversation with my friend Linda about what it was like to go from one kid to two. Linda had three kids already by this point and was well-versed on the in's and out's of motherhood so she's a person whose judgment I trust whole-heartedly. (For this as well as many other reasons.) This conversation, despite the fact that it was held over facebook, has stayed with me and as a few of my other friends are currently making (or preparing to make) this transition, I figured I would revisit it.

During our conversation, Linda explained to me that going from one child to two was going to be the hardest jump in the world of parenting. She was absolutely right.

Throughout my pregnancy with Lukas, I was stressed. About everything.

I was stressed about Liana and how she'd transition to being a big sister. I was stressed about getting the house ready for another baby. I was stressed about our finances. I was stressed about my recent miscarriage and the rollercoaster of emotions I was experiencing regarding that and now a healthy pregnancy. I was stressed about potty training. I was stressed about work. I was stressed about feeling tired during the first trimester.... and the second... and then third... all while balancing the needs of my family and my job. I was stressed about feeling huge and carrying the baby super low all the way through the pregnancy and how uncomfortable this all made me. I was stressed about what was going to happen to my body as I knew from the get-go that I was likely going to have to have a c-section. I was stressed about the constant heartburn that was so much worse the second time around. I was even stressed about stressing my baby out. You name it, I was stressed about it.

When Lukas was born, I realized the stress had only just begun.

It would have been a hard transition with an easy-going baby. But with a more difficult baby? It felt impossible.

I felt like I was never enough to both of my kids. The first two weeks after Lukas and I came home from the hospital, I had help. Mike had taken the first week off from work and my mom had taken the second. Seeing as I was recovering from my c-section, this was a necessity as I struggled to get around a bit (especially the first week... I'm still impressed at how quickly I healed and how well I began to feel that second week) and needed all the help I could get. The last day I had help close by, I remember feelings of sheer panic while thinking of the reality that the very next day I'd be having to do this all by myself. Meeting Lukas's needs AND Liana's needs all at the same time? Was it even possible?

It was. But not without some sacrifices on everyone's part.

I felt like a terrible mom to Liana for the next three weeks. Here she was, two and a half years old, and she was thrown into this new life she never asked for. (Of course I knew that this would only help her grow and that if she was old enough to make an educated decision, she'd likely choose to endure this transition if it meant she got to have a younger sibling. But at two and a half, she didn't know that.) For the first time in her life, she had to wait for the things she wanted and her needs didn't always come first anymore. She learned how to do a lot of things for herself very quickly.... like going potty, getting things she needed and even things that I needed. She learned that we could no longer do the things we were so used to doing with such ease.... like picking up and heading off to the store quickly, heading over to visit with family or friends, and making meals. She was forced to become more independent rather quickly which while good in some respects, also made me sad at times.

As much as going from one to two effected Liana, it effected her mom even more.

Truth: It was hard as hell.

Truth: I knew it wouldn't be easy. But I didn't realize just how difficult it would actually be.

Truth: I didn't always handle it well.

Truth: I know I shut down... more than a few times.

When we first brought Lukas home, the days felt painfully long. He cried so much and was inconsolable for most of the day, everyday, until he was about 8 weeks. It wasn't until he was about 14 weeks that I felt like my baby was "normal". I was putting everything I had in me into my two kids that by the end of the day, I was desperate for just a few minutes of "me" time.

Mike would walk into the house at 5:45 every night and I knew in my heart that he would have rather stayed at work. It was easier there and I couldn't blame him because by the time he stepped foot inside our door I was emotionally fried, dinner still needed to be made and Liana's bedtime was soon approaching. (Which at that time wasn't as easy as it is now.)

Things didn't start to get better until Lukas wasn't as fussy... so somewhere around that 14 week mark. But even then, I'd say that it wasn't until he was about five months old that I truly felt some of the pressure subside. At ten months I finally felt confident enough to discontinue my Zoloft. While I was more than a bit nervous to stop it and be forced to deal with the everyday stresses all on my own, I found myself quite thankful when I realized I actually felt better off it than I ever had on it.

As I write this, I'm 14 months into being a "mother of two". Sure things are easier now than they were a year ago. I can say with much gratitude that I've made it through the first year with my sanity still (mostly!) intact. Our life as a family of four isn't perfect and I'm not naive enough to believe it ever will be. For the most part, I've made peace with that.

But why was the transition from one child to two is so hard?

Because meeting the needs of two young children takes twice as much work but you do it in the same amount of time. Saying its exhausting would be a drastic understatement.

Do I think it would've been easier had my second child not been such a difficult baby? Obviously.

Do I regret doing it? Never.

Because as hard as it was and as tired as I am, I see the way my kids love on each other (when they're not doing things like hitting each other or fighting over toys) and in that moment, I realize that I did this more for them than I ever did it for myself.

I also realize now that I did the best I could, every step of the way. Again, I was no where near a perfect mother. But that's something I have to forgive myself for because I know just how hard it was. There were good days and there were bad. Sometimes the good were really good and sometimes the bad were REALLY bad. While I haven't always been the most relaxed and patient mama, there hasn't been a single moment in which I wouldn't have laid down my life for either of my children simply because I love them that much. Most importantly, they know it. Because while I may do a lot of things wrong, the one thing I know I do right is love them. Hard and with all my might.

Liana informed Mike and I today that she would like a little sister. I'm certainly not ready to see if the transition from two to three kids is any easier than our most recent one and I remain skeptical as to whether I ever will be. (Mike's already gotten it into his head that we're done so that may make my decision quite easy.) So for now, I'm quite fine with keeping this family of four just the way that it is. Chaos, imperfection and all. :)

Lukas is ONE!

Two weeks ago, my little boy turned one.

Seriously, where does the time go?

I look at him now and can't believe how quickly this past year flew by.

We celebrated by having a smaller party than usual, considering our living space is a bit smaller than usual. Because I'm only a grade "B" mom, we didn't go crazy and we didn't have a theme. It was boyish. It was simple. It was nice. (Aside from almost everyone on the guest list... which was only family... not RSVP'ing and then only half of those invited actually showed up. That was a bit disappointing.)

 Playing before the party and so happy!

 We opened a present before the party even started... he saw those gifts and knew just what to do! There was no stopping him. :)

 His blue & green cupcake tree.

 A change in shirts... someone decided to play in the toilet while mom & dad were distracted! So glad I had my coworker LuAnn make two of these! :)

 Birthday cupcakes...

 Yes, you see blue AND green on his face. He wasn't quite done at one. :)

Liana just loved seeing her brother making such a mess... Mom was just glad he kept his hands out of his hair!

Surprisingly enough, I didn't become as emotional with Lukas's first birthday as I did with Liana's. It's not for a lack of absolute love, but we had a lot of stuff going on that weekend as well. I think my head was just elsewhere. 

This little boy has blessed us so greatly in the past year. While the first few months of his life were a bit rough (I think I've said that a few times now!), these last few months have been wonderful.  

Here's a snapshot of Lukas at ONE!

He walks. And runs. We stopped crawling at 10.5 months and never looked back.

He never stops doing the above. He's the busiest little boy I know. If I turn my back for even a minute, he's guaranteed to be in either the toilet, the trash can, or the dog bowls. It drives me nuts! The only time mama gets a break during the day is naptime... and then she has to contend with Liana. (Oh how I miss the days of enjoying my lunch in solitude and getting some "me" time during the day.)

He's obsessed with his lovey and paci. While I see things going down a dangerous path with the pacifier, for now, it maintains my sanity because otherwise he whines. A lot. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do....

Bedtime is between 7 and 7:30, promptly. Not because we want it to be at that time but because he reaches a certain point in the day and just melts down. And that point comes between 7 and 7:30 like clockwork. Our bedtime routine is simple: diaper changed, jammies on, paci in the mouth, lovey in the arm, kid in the crib. We've tried to get him into a routine of reading books and snuggling for a bit before his head hits the mattress but he just won't have it. Something to work on, I suppose. He sleeps through the night most nights and can go 12-13 hours. When he's teething though, he's usually up at least once for Motrin.

Speaking of teething, poor kid can't catch a break. Last count was 11.... he went from 8 to 11 in one month. He's now working on a few others. I'm guessing that he'll have just about all of his teeth by 18 months at the pace we're moving.

My little man eats like a champ. There isn't anything he won't try. Mike made tilapia one day last week and he even loved that! He eats more than his sister at every meal (usually twice as much if not more) so we often joke that he's going to be bigger than her soon. In reality, I wouldn't be too surprised if that were in fact the case.

At his 12 month checkup, he weighed 22 lbs (35th percentile) and was 31.25 inches (90th percentile) long. He's got a little noggin though as that measures in the 15th percentile. Don't let the number fool you though, he's smart as a whip. His sister also had a small head circumference and she's a freaking genius... not that I'm biased or anything. :)

His favorite words at this point are bye ("byeeee!"), hi ("hyeeee!"), daddy, Liana ("eeaah"), and just recently we caught him saying "yeah". While he has said Mama in the past, it seems that he's mostly forgotten how to use that word unless he's screaming bloody murder.

Lukas is now wearing mostly 18 month clothes, though most pants are still just a tad big around his belly. His shoe size is currently a 5 but we've started buying 6's already because of how quickly he grows out of them.

After noticing some dried blood on his belly button a few different times, we had an ultrasound done last week and it seems he has a herniated umbilical cord. Dr. Maki isn't too concerned as long as things don't start to look worse. We think it becomes irritated when he becomes upset and uses his abdominal muscles to cry. I'm just thankful it doesn't seem to be bad enough to require surgery.

Likes include daily walks in the stroller, bath time, listening to music, testing every limit in the book and talking gibberish to his sister in the car.

Dislikes include being told no, being forced to wait for food (or anything for that matter), getting his diaper changed, watching television, or doing anything that requires sitting still.

Lukas Ryan is one complex little boy which is a vast difference from his sister, who was happy with just about anything. He's got so many different facets to his personality that we're still trying to figure this kid out. I foresee great frustration in my future when it comes to my second-born... after all, he's been the more challenging of the two from the start. But, I also foresee great rewards. I know life will be good because of him and everything he adds to our messy and chaotic life.

Happy first birthday, bugs. I love you.

 

 

It's a happy chaos. Most of the time. :)

Black + White = Gray.

I've been thinking all week about how to write this post. How to word exactly what I have to say and feel.

But there are so many words that I'm sure I won't be able to fit my feelings into one small post... regardless of how small it seems to all of you.

Last year, October was a highly anticipated month. I was so focused on being 36 weeks pregnant when the 1st rolled around that I didn't have the mindset to think about anything else. I was focused on October 27th, the date of our scheduled C-section and the expected birthdate of Lukas. As we got closer and closer to that date, the anticipation just grew and grew. All I could think about was Lukas and finally being able to hold him in my arms.

This year however, October has been an incredibly tough month for me. The minute it rolled around it was like a switch flipped inside this head of mine. I had so many things on my mind... my changing job, the house, the kids, the husband, my daily responsibilities... but one thing was always lingering in the back of it.... the miscarriage.

Two years later and it feels like yesterday.

I guess with all the chaos of last October and the anticipation of Lukas's arrival, I didn't have a chance to give it much thought. I'm paying for it this year.

It's hit me like a ton of bricks all over again. Not in a tearful way, just in a "I can't stop thinking about it" kind of way. I think about the 23rd and what it felt like to wake up that day pregnant and go to bed at the end of the day knowing my baby was dead inside me. I think about those moments in the ER... the moments I spent on the phone with two of my closest friends... the moments of sheer terror and desperation. I think about it all. It seriously plays like a movie in my mind because I remember it all. Every detail.

And for those of you who know me well, you know I'm terrible with details.

I think about the next four days and how my mom and Mike had to take turns taking PTO to stay home with Liana and I. I couldn't be left alone in the event that I started to actually miscarry because an 18 month old needs supervision - supervision I wouldn't be able to give her during that time.

I think about the 28th and how my family came over for lunch. I started feeling poorly as we ate and once everyone (but my mom) had left, I layed down. The cramps came on quickly and strong. At 3:30, I found myself screaming in agony on the toilet begging my mom to call the doctor. I remember thinking, "Am I going to die?" because it hurt that badly. I remember the feeling of everything leaving my body at once and realizing that what was left of my baby was in the toilet water below me. I remember having to put on gloves and pulling the tennis ball sized "mass" out of the toilet for Mike to take to the doctor so that they knew whether everything had come out or not. (It did.) I remember feeling emotionally dead for the rest of the day.

I remember going back to work two days later, walking into hospital rooms and trying to console family members of my patients while thinking to myself, "If only you knew....". I remember going into the hospital bathroom to take pills that would help my uterus contract so that we could be sure everything was out.

So last year, I didn't remember but this year I remember it all. I can't stop remembering. I wish I could.

I think that one of the worst parts of all of this is that the date I actually lost the baby falls just one day after the birth of my newest baby, Lukas Ryan.

Had I realized how much these dates would affect me, I would've scheduled the c-section for a few days later. Or on my actual due date of 11.3.

I feel like on the date which I should be entirely focused on Lukas, my mind is also elsewhere. It feels like he is really getting a raw deal.

The 27th = White. The day I celebrate the birthday of my little boy.
The 28th = Black. The day I mourn the loss of a baby I never got to meet.
Mix the two together and you have a whole lot of gray.

Sure, I try to focus on the celebration. My son means the world to me. I wouldn't give him up for anything. But I'd be a liar if I said my mind didn't shoot elsewhere every once in a while when these dates roll around.

I wonder whether this was the plan. I wonder whether God set this up to give me some reprieve & a cause for celebration in an otherwise hard week. I know one thing: when Mike and I started trying again after the miscarriage, it never once crossed my mind that I could have a baby 364 days after the loss of my last one. Had I known how things would evolve, I probably would have waited another month or two because I hate having these two events so closely tied together.

Then again, it sometimes seems fitting that they're close together because I wouldn't have one without the other.

The fact that this hit me again so hardly this year was unexpected to say the least. It's not that I ever "got over" the miscarriage but it felt like I had moved on from it. I guess this just goes to show that what they say about grief being a rollercoaster is true.... one day you're high, the next you can be low. I know it'll get better and I'm thankful that I'm emotionally healed enough that these thoughts haven't left me in tears.

I also know many people probably read/hear my words about miscarriage and think to themselves, "I just don't get why this was such a big deal. She was only 11 weeks." I'll admit, I often wonder that myself. But all I can say to that is this was a big deal to me. Every woman handles this loss differently..... I know many women who haven't talking openly about their miscarriages and seemed to move forward without ever looking back. I'm not them. I can't do that. And I know full well that there are other women, even some I know, that have experienced much greater losses. My heart aches for them because I know that as hard as this has been for me, it would have been even harder had I been farther along like they were when they lost their babies.

A friend sent this to me the yesterday:

It's a print she found on Etsy and I have to admit, it made me smile. It also almost made me cry but I was too busy getting ready for Lukas's party to cry, so I didn't.

This print, in all it's simplicity, was incredibly reassuring and comforting.

I have Liana & Lukas here on earth to cherish and a baby in heaven that awaits me. While I never got to meet that baby, I know he/she was born into good and safe hands. It's thoughts like that that help me move forward.

Here's to hoping November is a better month.....

And up next... Lukas is one. Stay tuned. :)

Eleven Months (and one day).

Lukas turned 11 months old yesterday.

How is my baby boy almost one already? Where has this past year gone?

Well, for starters, time flies when you've been sleep deprived and are trying to muster your way through the day, every day. I am incredibly guilty of not soaking every minute of Lukas up over the past few months... we've had a lot going on around here. Though that doesn't make me feel any less guilty about it.

But at eleven months, here's where our little boy stands:

• He's 23 lbs. In comparison, Liana, at age 3.5, weighs 31 lbs. We've got a solid little guy on our hands!
• He's walking! Mike and I watched as he took his first real steps on September 8th and since then, he just keeps getting better and better at it. (Obviously.) He's now walking more than crawling but sometimes when he just wants to get somewhere really fast (like to steal his sisters most adored toy), he'll throw himself down on the floor and get those knees moving. I'm not ready to lose the crawling yet... I just love it too much.
• He FINALLY started sleeping through the night about two weeks ago. Yes, seriously. And even now, it's not consistent. Some weeks are good and we'll get a few nights in a row of STTN but then others aren't so good and we'll get our wake-up call around 3 am or 5 am. Teething never helps any.
• The kid eats like there's no tomorrow. He now eats just about everything we eat. Meat, cooked veggies, all kinds of fruit, eggs, fruit bars, pizza, and his absolute favorite, turkey/hot dogs. We can't get the food in front enough fast enough and he literally shovels it into his mouth. He has now mastered the art of a sippy cup and likes water and loves real milk. I gave him milk for the first time about a week ago and while chugging it down he looked at me like, "What?! You've been keeping this deliciousness from me all this time?! How could you mama?!" He gets three square meals a day and maybe a snack or two in the middle. I'm pretty confident that this is the reason he's finally STTN. I also find it sad that my 11 month old probably eats more in one meal than my 3.5 year old eats all day. Hmmmm... maybe that's why she's so stinking skinny?! (Side note... I came home yesterday to find her in a pair of her brother's 12 month pants. No joke.)
• He LOVES the water. The kids have been getting pretty messy around here lately and as I'm a little freakish about putting clean kids into clean beds at night, bathtime has become a daily thing. The very moment I start running the water for their bath, Lukas is right there and doing everything he can to get into the tub. Once he's in, he loves to splash and chew on his tub toys and I think he'd stay in there for an hour if I let him. I've found that if I take Liana out of the bath first, the tantrum that ensues is minimal compared to the one when he comes out first.
• He LOVES being outside. Going for a walk is calming to him and the one thing that makes him happy when it seems like nothing else will. I've also noticed that he just likes to soak the surroundings in... checking out the movement of things (cars, trees, birds, people, etc) and I think the fresh air makes him happier. If he's in our arms while we go to the door to let the dogs out but we don't go outside ourselves, he makes it known that this is quite displeasing to him. And if we're outside and he's not ready to come in, we again are reminded of that unhappiness. Thankfully, my dad (who we're currently living across the street from) loves to sit outside with Lukas and take him for lots of walks. I'm just not so sure how this will all play out once winter rolls around....
• He gets pushed around (literally) by his sister. A lot. This makes for a sad baby and a sad mama. His cry is different when Liana is mean to him and I am just waiting for the day when he starts retaliating against her. I'm pretty sure Mike and I are going to have our hands full with these two so who needs a third?! ;)
• He's curious and constantly getting into trouble. The cabinets here aren't baby proofed yet... I had hoped I wouldn't need to but I caved and bought latches this week... and I have to clear the tupperware from my floor at least once a day. He loves going after the dog bowls or trying to escape through the "doggie door" to the back yard. Changing his diaper tests your core strength as you have to PIN him down to get one on him. Nothing is safe when Lukas is around. Nothing.
• His first word has been "mama" and now he's working on perfecting "daddy". We're also pretty sure that he's been saying "iana". He can wave bye-bye and also verbalizes "uh oh".
• I have yet to be blessed with a snuggly baby. Guess he's just too busy to cozy up to his mama (unless she has a bottle in her hand). ::Sigh::
• At eleven months, he's now wearing a size 5 toddler shoe and 18 month clothing.
• We're up to TEN teeth now! After a runny nose this week and lots of fussing, I knew something was making its way through those gums of his... come to find out, he's got two of his molars halfway through already! Just like his sister, I predict all of those baby teeth will be in by his second birthday if not well before then.
• Bedtime is between 7 & 8p and he wakes between 7 & 8 am. We're down to one nap a day most days, usually beginning anywhere between 11 and 12 and lasting 2 hours (longer if I can keep things REALLY quiet around the house).

I have to say, Lukas lights up my world. He definitely hasn't been the easiest baby... he's temperamental, impatient, and needy... but this kid owns my heart. I absolutely adore him and I love being his mama. While I always wanted all girls and never wanted any boys, now that he's here I just can't imagine my life without him in it. He brings more adventure to my life, more fullness and there's just something different about having a girl and having a boy. I love my children equally but I also love them differently. I can't explain why or how but it's the truth. I guess I just love that they each bring different traits to the table every day.

Eleven months are behind us as a family of four. I can't believe that in 29 days, my baby boy will be ONE.

Happy almost-birthday, little man. You rock our world in so many different ways and we love you for each and every one of them. :)



10.25.12



Where does the time go?

I know, I know.... I'm a bad little blogger.

Honestly, I don't know how mothers of multiple children find the time to keep these things up. When it was just Liana I was able to write during naptime or after bedtime. But since Lukas has come along, I don't get much down time during the day (let alone an hour, which is what it usually takes me to get my thoughts out!) and by the end of it, I'm too exhausted to think. But yet, I don't want to give this up. It's one of my many ways of keeping track of all the places this life has taken us as a family and there's great value in that.

This past week has been an emotional one for me. One full of confusion and regret. Because I realized this week that the past year seems to have slipped by me. In the chaos of this crazy life of ours, I feel like I've failed to "take it all in". My guilt especially plagues me when it comes to Lukas but even with Liana a bit too.

I was always told that things are drastically different with your second child but oh how I underestimated that. I realized this week that I haven't taken pictures or videos of Lukas like I took with Liana. I've missed moments that I can't get back. Granted, I succeeded at getting the "biggies" such as him rolling over, starting solids, crawling and then walking. But for every moment I've caught, there are a hundred I didn't. Now I know I shouldn't place too much guilt on myself because realistically, I can't capture everything. But I just don't feel like I've done enough for him. I wonder if I'm going to look back some day and wonder what else I missed. And because I've been so caught up in the chaos of our day-to-day, I know that even more importantly I've forgotten to soak it up. Those moments where he just wants his mommy. Watching him play with his sister. Watching him discover new things in this great big world that he's never known before.

I think it bothers me even more because at this point, we plan on Lukas being our last. And here I was, lost in it all.

With regards to Liana, I have these moments where I look at her and become a little broken-hearted over the fact that my "baby girl" isn't a baby anymore. How did we get to three and a half so quickly? How did we get to having an imagination and abstract thoughts and feelings? How did we get to the point where she's such a little girl?

I just feel like their childhood is just slipping away. And I'm desperate to hold onto it.

While I had been feeling guilty like this for a while, it came crashing home this week during one of my visits. In that visit, I listened to the husband of my patient mourn over how he "just needs more time" as it "just gets away from you."

I just don't want it to get away from me. I wish I could slow things down. Completely absorb every single minute of every single day. I look at my kids and wish I could pause that moment in time and place it in a box to keep so that I can look back on it later and re-experience that exact moment, that exact detail of what they were like.

Again....I just don't want it to get away from me.

Usually, work is a release for me. Its my chance to get out of the house and be an adult. But last week, it wasn't. I resented being at work because all I really wanted to do was be at home with my kids. To make matters worse, it wasn't a good week anyways. Long days make for a tired mama who desperate as she tries, can't seem to keep things together.

I wish I knew the remedy for this but unfortunately, I know there isn't one. Time continues to pass and my children continue to grow. I know that one day all too soon, I'll be watching my children as they care for their children.

With all of these emotions taking over, I am making an effort to be more present when I'm with my kids. I want to be the mom they deserve. And I want to live without regrets of what I "should have" done. I want to capture the memories we make... through blogging, through video, through pictures. Because after the time has passed, I want to be able to look back and remember so vividly what this time in my life was like. What they were like whether it be at one, two, five or ten.

So here I am, hoping to be better. Mom's often sacrifice their own needs for that of their family's and I admit, I'm a guilty party. I do feel confident in saying, though, that this act of selfishness isn't just going to benefit me but should benefit the rest of my family as well. :)

Nine Months!

Oh sweet child of mine.

I'm not sure I can even put into words just how much my heart is filled with love for you.

I wasn't sure I could love anyone else as much as I loved your sister, but I sure wanted to try.

And now here you are, nine months later, and I can honestly say I do.

You've brought us so much joy. And at times, so much frustration. :)

To say you are "spirited" would be an understatement. You are fierce in everything you do. When you smile, you radiate your happiness. When you're unhappy, everyone within fifty feet of you knows it. There's no "mediocre" about you because when you set your mind to something, you do it full out, right then and there.

Some examples? Going from sitting to army crawling to crawling to cruising in two months. With the last three happening in just the month of July. You squeal with joy while watching your sister or exploring new things and scream with anger when you're not getting your way.

Your temper.... that's a trait inherited from your mother. Not something I'm proud of.

Six pearly whites now live in that smile of yours and they're perfectly gapped. Each time you smile, I laugh a little as you resemble Buckwheat in The Little Rascals.

In the past month, you've FINALLY started sleeping through the night (praise God!) and I think that has a lot to do with the fact that you're eating three meals a day and the fact that you're so busy.Your appetite is impressive.... while your sister is incredibly picky, you love just about everything we put in front of you. This week we've given you some "real" food including Mac & Cheese, watermelon, blueberries, grapes, peas, green beans and carrots. You're now in size 12 month clothes and I've had to pack away your 9 month stuff just this past week. My little boy isn't so little anymore!!

It is so much fun for your daddy and I to watch you explore your environment and learn new things. You're more curious than your sister ever was.... We never really needed our baby-proofed house with Liana but with you, we're having to go the extra mile. You open drawers, try to get into cabinets, and your personal favorites have been opening the doors on the fireplace and trying to get to the dog food bowls before I can! I now fully believe that a difference exists between girls and boys as I see "all boy" in everything you do. Nana and I constantly joke about the definition of boy being "noise covered in dirt" and I have to say, that fits you perfectly!

Bedtime still comes promptly between 7 and 7:30 because when you hit your wall, you hit it fast and hard. Mom and Dad are always quite thankful for this time of the day as it means a little less responsibility and a little more relaxation for us. :)

The water is probably your favorite place to be. The morning is your favorite time of day. Peas are still your favorite food. Your sister is your favorite person despite the fact that she bosses you around relentlessly and takes toys away from you constantly. (Trust me kid, I'm doing what I can on this front.)

Just as I felt with Liana, I have to admit that we've hit the "it just keeps getting better and better" portion of babyhood. I love this age. Nine months is full of adventures, most of which have been good.

My heart is filled for you, Lukas Ryan. Happy Nine Months baby boy, I love you!

(Even when you decide to pull an all-nighter to celebrate said 9 month birthday. Take notice of the timestamp for proof. Oh child, I have a feeling life with you will never be dull!)

Bittersweet. (A long overdue update.)

There's a lot going on in our household these days....

Lukas is now seven and a half months old. He's definitely all boy and never slows down but I can honestly say we're soaking him up. We may have had a rough "go" of things for his first few months of life but over the past two months, things have been remarkably better. (Granted, he's still not sleeping through the night, but we've just succumbed to that.) He's a boy on the move and he does something new everyday. His hair has finally filled in and I can say that he's officially a "toehead".... maybe even moreso than his sister is! We have four teeth in place but unfortunately he looks a little like Dracula as his top I-teeth decided to come in before his top middle teeth. I'd say he's a sight for sore eyes when he smiles but really, we just get a kick out of how goofy he looks with this arrangement right now. :)

Liana is three and sassy as ever. There have been a few days where her and I have just battled it out all day long. She's bossy, rude at times, and full of attitude. While the struggle has just begun, the moments that make it all worth it look something like, "Mommy, I love you. You're my best friend." (All the while wrapping her sweet little arms around me.)

But our biggest news is this... we've decided to put our house on the market.

Mike and I have been discussing this for some time now. I love our house, I love our neighbors, I love the area that we live in. But this house doesn't offer us everything we need and in some ways, it offers too much. As of June 8th, we've been in this house for four years. When we bought it, having a family still seemed so far away but we wanted to be prepared for what was to come. We bought this house with the idea that we would never have to move out as it had more than enough room for us and whatever our family would end up looking like. Before we knew it though, we found out we were pregnant with Liana. Three years later we're faced with the reality that we live in a school district that has some downfalls. Now granted, I'm sure all districts do, but this one has some pretty particular ones that leave us feeling uneasy. While we battled with the idea of doing school of choice (as most of our neighbors have done), we ultimately decided that it was time to do something different. Our decision was made easier by the fact that like I said, this house isn't exactly what we want/need it to be.

So as of Tuesday, our house is up for sale and reality is setting in.

I woke up Tuesday feeling pretty sad & incredibly nostalgic. I walked from room to room, snapping pictures and looking at the home we've created here. I couldn't help but think about the fact that this is the home we brought both of our babies home to. This is the home we painted every square inch of to make it our own. This is the home Mike and I grew in as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. This is the home we poured ourselves (and our money!) into for the past four years.

Over the past few days, I've constantly questioned whether we're doing the right thing. But then I think about the possibilities that lie ahead.... a neighborhood that includes kids Liana & Lukas's age that they can play with. A new home that is just what we need. Being just a bit closer to our families again. Not having to worry about whether the kids are getting the education & experiences they need.

These things excite me. They give me hope for something just a little bit better than we already have.

Once again, our goal is to make this next move our last. We know what we need & want in a house and we know what we want to avoid. We're going into it with a wealth of knowledge we didn't have when we bought this house as it has taught us so many (maybe too many!) lessons on home ownership. We're leaning towards buying new construction or if we have to, building ourselves. The biggest reason that we're hoping to go this route is because we're looking to avoid any more surprises and we want to "know" what we're getting. We've both found a floor plan we love but so far, no homes for sale that go along with it.

For a person who's typically anxious about everything, this has brought me to a new level of feeling unsettled. We're not sure what we'll do if our house sells quickly and we don't have something else lined up. We may move in with my sister or we may decide to rent. I just keep trying to have faith that this will all work out just as it's supposed to. God's plans are usually much, much bigger and greater than mine after all.

Whenever this home sells, I know I'll be overcome with emotion. I know I'll have doubts and I'll continue to question whether we did the right thing. It will be one of the most bittersweet times of my life. However, I keep reminiding myself to "keep my eyes on the prize" and hope that whatever comes next is just as wonderful.... if not better.

5 months.

Lukas turned 5 months old today. It's amazing how quickly the time passes you by.

I keep remembering back to when Liana was this age. Back then, it felt like my time with her crept by. Now, I can't believe my little boy is almost half a year old already and it feels like if time doesn't slow down (which we all know won't happen), my baby will be a toddler in the blink of an eye.

I think I'm especially aware of how fleeting these moments are with Lukas because Mike and I don't think we'll be having any more kids. We feel like our family is balanced how it is and while I always thought I'd want three, I'm finding that I'm more than content with the two that I have. Plus, there's a lot of benefits to sticking with two.... including a foreseeable end to sleepless nights, no more pregnancy discomforts, no more teething or reflux and many other reasons. :)

Having come to this conclusion, I'm trying to soak up every ounce of babyhood I can with Lukas. I do things like take notice of how it feels to pick up his tiny body and carry it around on my hip. How it feels to have him lay his head against my chest or my shoulder. How he fits against me just right while I'm feeding him. I'm not as eager to let him grow up as I was with Liana... hence the reason we still haven't started him on any solids yet and I've barely started practicing new skills (like sitting up) with him. The way I figure it, the longer he can stay a baby, the longer I'll be able to have one. It may be selfish but I'm in no rush for this time of my life to pass me by.

Lukas is still waking up at least twice every night and while this was weighing on me for a while around 4 months, I've decided that I'm not ready to "do" anything about it. We tried to let him "cry it out" one night and after two hours of screaming, called it quits. I just couldn't do it, especially knowing that our little boy has had so many tummy issues since birth and I can't just ignore him when he might actually be hurting. So rather than lament over it, I've just accepted it for what it is. Mike and I have decided to "divide and conquer" so we each take one night time feeding. This makes things much easier for me but I know Mike still struggles with the fact that Lukas isn't sleeping through the night yet. We'll get there.... it'll just take some more time.

As of last week, Lukas weighed 16lbs 2oz and was 26 inches long. He's a giant... at least compared to how his sister was at this age! Considering all the feeding issues we've had, I'm impressed the kid has grown as well as he has. We found out two weeks ago that he's lactose intolerant which explains just about all the other issues we've had. Since three weeks old, it's been one digestive issue after another and he was a pretty miserable baby for such a long time. Now we know why. Since finding this out, we've switched formulas (we were supplementing on the days I worked and breastfeeding on the days I didn't) and things have turned around almost completely. In addition, Lukas decided this past weekend that he was no longer interested in breastfeeding and as I was getting ready to wean anyways, I just went with it. While I loved breastfeeding, it just didn't love my baby. He'd spit up twice as much which would make him twice as irritable. My supply was barely enough so it seemed as though he was never full, making it impossible to get him into a good schedule. I already deeply miss it and miss that bond with Lukas but in the grand scheme of things, I'm happier with a happier baby.

Lukas would still prefer to be held and walked most of the time but he's gotten much better about letting us put him down. He loves his exersaucer and we just pulled his jumparoo out of the basement tonight. When I lay him on the floor he loves to roll around and look at everything around the room. While he easily rolls from tummy to back, he still hasn't mastered rolling from back to tummy but we are close. Much like Liana did, he hates tummy time so the minute I lay him on his belly, he either rolls over or screams bloody murder.

During the past two weeks of incredibly warm weather, we quickly found out that Lukas loves to be outdoors. He loves to look around and see all the new and different things that surround him. Mike mowed the lawn for the first time last week (in March!?!?) and Lukas fell asleep in my arms to the sound of it. I see many days of us sitting and playing outside this summer.

He's been on a few overnights to Nana and Papa's house now and while he seems to do fine, I can tell that I am missed while he's gone. It melts my heart to see that smile on his face when he sees me again and I can feel the way he relaxes once he realizes that his mama is back with him. While I sleep so much better when he's away, my arms feel incredibly empty when he's not just in the next room. On the nights that both kids are gone, I find myself not knowing what to do with all the "me" time.

Lukas continues to adore his sister as she continues to adore him. Their bond keeps getting better and better.... she's so sweet and caring towards him that my heart tells me they'll be the best of friends. After all, how could he not love a sister like her?! His eyes follow her as she moves through the room and I can tell he feels a little lost without her when she's not home because the instant she returns, he lights up at the sight of her.

Right now, our primary focus is on trying to figure out some kind of a schedule that works for us and for Lukas. His eating and sleeping is sporatic during the day (and night) to the point that Mike and I still feel like we're constantly guessing as to what he needs/wants. It's frustrating to say the least but I do feel like we're making some progress. He's consistently taking three naps a day - one in the morning, one at 12:30 (when Liana goes down.... mama needs that "me" time!), and one sometime before dinner. He's in bed by 8pm every night and usually wakes for his first feeding around 12:30. I feel like once we get more of a schedule figured out, particularly a feeding schedule, other things will start to fall into place. Life can only get better from there. :)

We still have bad days around here, but now they're much fewer and farther between. For that, I am thankful.

Despite some of the hardships, I'm so madly in love with this little boy of mine. I never saw my life with a little boy in it but now, I can't imagine my life without him. 

The many emotions of Lukas.... This one is my favorite. :)

His getup for his sister's birthday party!