A mother in mourning.

Just like the rest of the world, my mind & heart have been reeling from the events that transpired on Friday.

It was supposed to be a day like any other. And for me it was, until about 1pm when I entered into a patient visit and noticed half way through our conversation what was playing on the television behind me. I tried to act like I hadn't seen the headline running across the bottom of that screen and just move forward with our conversation, but saying that was difficult would be an understatement. So instead I fumbled through the next few minutes and then excused myself. I went out of my patients room into the lobby of the facility where other staff members were glued to the television themselves. It was there that I felt like the world started to crumble down around me. It took everything in me to maintain my composure and not go running home to wrap my arms around Liana and Lukas.

Gratefully & humbly, none of my loved ones were in that school. I didn't experience any of those losses on a deep and personal level. But what I did experience is the same thing millions of other mothers in this world experienced...

Mourning.

For the loss of innocence. Every child gunned down in that building was absolutely innocent and yet, their lives taken. Every child present in that building came face to face with a horror that they should never have had to experience. Their feelings of safety and security robbed of them because of the action of a single person. Every other child in this nation who is old enough to absorb what was on the news that day was also robbed of that sense of security.

(And yes, for the pain and loss of the adults present that day as well. For the teachers, the staff, the policemen and the clergy that were all present to see such horrors. For the staff that selflessly sacrificed their lives for their students and will forever be remembered as heroes.)

For the fact that our world has come to this. I try to remain hopeful that things will get better but with each additional "breaking news" story of this nature, I lose a little bit more of that reserve. It just feels like things continue to get worse and worse in this world of ours. I look at my patients, most of whom are in their 80s and 90s, and think about the world they grew up in and compare it to the world I've grown up in. Even worse, I compare it to the world my children will grow up in. Things have gotten exponentially worse in the past 10 years. Gone are the days in which you could do anything safely. If you can't even send your children off to school safely, or go to church safely, or go to the mall safely, what CAN you do safely? It just breaks my heart that we now live in fear of the constant "what ifs" and that the "worst case scenario" is a part of our every day mentality.

It should be no surprise to anyone reading this that I'm quite the worry-wart. Since becoming a mother, I've often found myself worrying over what lies ahead for my children in their lives. I've even found myself wondering if it's a selfish act by bringing more children into this world when I'm not sure what kind of good the world may hold for them. Will things continue to become more scary for them? What obstacles will they face? What everyday fears will live within their hearts? With the passing of each generation, are we leaving this world a better place than when we entered it?

Call me a debby downer but it just doesn't seem that we are.

I'm not sure of what the answer is that could fix all of this. Do we tighten our gun control laws? Do we establish a better mental health system? Do we stop placing so much stock into the media and allowing them to "sensationalize" these events? I'm not going to jump into any of those debates because like I said, I'm not sure what the answer is.
I do believe that we've lost some sight into the good of the world. Obviously I have.

However, I also believe that if we raise our children in loving homes with strong morals and values, things could get better. I'll be the first to admit that I haven't always been the strongest Christian. But even through my own spiritual doubts and questions, its times like these that lead me back to my spiritual roots. Because I need to believe that there is something good ahead of us if we lead a good life and we teach our children to do the same.

So while I mourn the loss of the lives that were taken on Friday, the loss of innocence, and the probable loss of the world I had hoped my children would grow up in, I'm trying to renew my faith. I'm trying to be a better influence to my children in hopes that it'll make them better than I've ever been myself.

I pray with everything I have that someday, we'll find a better way. That people will stop doing this to each other. I pray that my children will see things turn around in this world and that they won't share the same fears for their children that I share for them. I pray that I can forever shield them from at least some of the pain in this world and when I can't shield them any longer, that God will do it for me. I pray that they will be stronger in their faith than I've been in mine. I pray that God will show me the way in teaching them.

Most of all, I pray that other parents share these same prayers. Maybe if we start to refocus on the good in this world and teach our children to do the same, things could actually change.

If nothing more, it'd be a step in the right direction.

Counting my blessings.

I passed a church sign the other day while driving around for work that read, "Don't count your problems. Count your blessings."

I have a confession.... I've been quite guilty lately of counting the problems in my life and ignoring the blessings.

In my defense, I've had a lot going on. I've been stressed for say, the past year. Not always, but much of the time and for many different reasons. Reasons like:

1. I'm beating a dead horse by saying it again but.... Lukas hasn't been the easiest of babies. He's progressively gotten better every day but he's still quite demanding and he's still not sleeping through the night most nights (only now its thanks to teething). Not that Liana's always a peach either. :)
2. Selling our home. Choosing to build. Living in limbo. The financial and subsequently emotional stress it all causes.
3. Changing jobs. Getting used to a new team and a new "everyday".
4. Adjusting to a new "normal" when it comes to daycare. Having to put my children into the hands of someone other than family for the first time ever. Dealing with the emotional effects it has had on Liana.
5. And most recently, some significant stress within my family which I'm not quite ready to talk about here.

I won't lie, most days for the past year have felt like a battle. Of course there are gleaming moments of glory, like seeing your kids get along and actually play together rather than beat each other up.  But in between those moments there are a dozen other ones where you feel like you're going to pull your hair out.

Moments like:
"Lukas, get out of the trash can!" (He always goes right back.)
"Liana, be nice to your brother!" (Things only change for a moment.)
"No Liana, you may NOT have another drink/snack/movie/whatever." (And yet she keeps asking.)
"Liana, we don't say that word. It's not nice." (Insert complete and utter embarrassment here.)
"Lukas, get out of the toilet!" (One of his favorite spots for mischief.)
"Stop running/jumping in the house!" (It feels like an earthquake in here as they charge through the house.)
"Why are you yelling? I'm not deaf!" (The noise level is deafening. Always.)
"Be gentle with that!" (As they bash one thing into something else. Over and over.)
"Liana, those are Lukas's toys too!" (But she continues to steal them away. And he cries.)
"What are you crying for?!" (Someone always is.)
"I told you to slow down!" (As they lay on the floor, injured and crying.)
"Lukas, I can't hold you right now. Mommy needs just a minute to make dinner/a phone call/clean up/get ready/etc etc etc." (After JUST putting that little 24 lb body down.)
"Liana, don't be sassy!" (Oh the lip on this child. I'm in so much trouble.)
"Liana, you need to listen to me! I said no!" (Selective hearing at age 3. Yep, totally screwed.)
"Why are you WHINING?!?" (Seriously, the whining is never ending. And exhausting.)

And all this in the midst of my other "stressors". One stress piled on top of another, and another, and sometimes another makes for one unhappy Haley.

I've been in a bit of a funk for a while now. Not a my-life-totally-sucks kind of funk but the kind of funk where if things don't go "just right", I would find myself stressed and overwhelmed by everything that had been piled on my plate. And lets face it... most days, everything doesn't go "just right." Life just doesn't seem to work that way. Last week was no exception. Thanksgiving really threw me for a loop this year (not in a good way) and I was just straight up pissy everyday afterwards.

But then I passed that church sign and as I drove by, I couldn't help but feel like it was meant to be there for ME to see. Almost instantly, I felt something shift inside me.

I realized that I was looking at things backwards.

Yes, life is full of problems. Mine is definitely no exception to that rule.

But more importantly, my life is FULL of blessings.

How could I be so selfish as to look at my life and see all the problems but not see through those problems to the blessings?

Hello, reality check. Apparently I needed you. Thanks for finally showing up.

Since then, I feel like much of the weight has been lifted off my chest.

I've been a better mother. One who looks at her children differently. One who knows how big of a miracle they are and that they make my world whole. I soak up their smiles, their laughter, their hugs (we've had a lot of them lately) and the way they feel in my arms or at my side. I want to be better for them.

I've been a better wife. Well, Mike would have to be the true judge of that but I know I'm trying. Because I love him. He's my rock. He puts up with my temper tantrums and still holds me when I finally let myself break down. He's not perfect and neither am I but somehow I think we're still perfect for each other.

I'm trying to take each day as it comes. Sometimes, I have to take each minute as it comes. I'm trying not to let myself get worked up over what might happen tomorrow because then I don't get to experience today.

I'm not naive enough to think that I won't have days where my problems feel like they outweigh my blessings.

But regardless of how I feel in those moments, there's one thing I know for sure....

I've been blessed. So, so blessed. I have two beautiful kids who light up my world and a husband that loves me during even my darkest days.

No amount of frustration or stress can take that away from me unless I let it.

I won't let it.

And I have other blessings, too. Blessings like being able to work part time and still have the life I always hoped for. Loving my job. Being able to build our own home. My family and my friends, who bless me every day in one way or another.

So while I may be a little late this year on my Thanksgiving post, it's for good reason. I may have been feeling a little lost in the chaos of my life but that sign, it was like a compass pointing me back in the right direction.

So this year, in addition to my other blessings, I'm thankful for God sending me a compass just when I needed it and in a way only He could.