One year ago today, I woke up 10 weeks pregnant.
Only a few days before, we had officially shared our news with the world.
And by the end of that day, I found myself in the ER watching an ultrasound screen confirm the fact that we would never hold that baby in our arms. I cried tears I didn't know I was capable of crying.
October 23rd, 2010 was one of the two most emotionally and physically painful days of my life. Yes, there have been other difficult days.... but the 23rd and the 28th take the cake.
One year later, I wake up on October 23rd and find myself 38 weeks, 3 days pregnant. Four days from now, I'll be holding a son.... my son.... our son....in these arms of mine.
I cannot tell you how deeply affected I've been by my miscarriage last year. How there's been very few days over the last 365 where I haven't thought about that baby. My heart still aches to know that child and tears still fall when I think about what "could have" been. It's not something I talk about much anymore but the reality is, it's still there. Right under the surface. Almost all the time.
Four days from now, I'll meet my third child but only the second one I'll ever hold, ever touch, ever name, ever kiss.
And once he's here, I hope that I'll better understand why things happened the way that they did at this time last year.
My arms are ready. My heart is ready.
Four days.
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Love Letters.
Liana Grace,
Any day now, we're expecting your little brother to enter into this world and officially become a member of our family. Before he does, there are some things I've been wanting to tell you.
Liana, you changed my world in a way I could have never imagined. In July 2008, when that pregnancy stick showed a positive result, I knew that life was about to be very, very different. You weren't something we had planned on but I knew instantly that God had given you to us for a reason beyond my understanding. I knew that some way, some how, you were meant for me. I was beyond excited at everything you would hold for me and daddy.
Those nine months of pregnancy seemed to crawl by as I so anxiously awaited meeting you. There was nothing I wanted more than to finally hold you in my arms, look into your eyes, and see what your daddy and I had created. To see what a product of our love truly looked like. To see everything we had worked towards come to fruition. I only remember a few moments of fear during those nine months as most of the time, nothing but peace was within my heart. I knew deep down you were going to be perfect. I knew you were going to be my angel here on earth.
And boy, you sure haven't disappointed.
I remember so vividly those hours before you entered this world. I remember the pains, the anticipation, the excitement of knowing I was so close to meeting you. I remember the moment you left my body... I remember the fear that engulfed me for the 30 minutes they wouldn't let me hold you.... I remember the overwhelming emotion of seeing your daddy hold you for the first time before I even got a chance to.
Bringing you home, things finally started to feel real. It wasn't just daddy and I anymore.... there were three to this equation. You brought daddy and I closer in a way we couldn't have imagined. There were some hard times that first year as we learned to balance individuality, marriage, and parenthood. There were times when I wasn't sure we were cut out to do this together. But the thing is, nothing was about "us" anymore. It had become about you. You glued us together in a way no one else could.... you made us a family.
While we're speaking of daddy, let me tell you the ways in which you changed him. You showed me a whole new side to the man I so long ago fell in love with. A side only you could have brought out, being our first born. The way in which you adore him and the way in which he adores you... well, that's something incredible. It's a sight to be seen. Honestly, it makes my heart beat a little faster and makes me love him a whole lot deeper. The man I had always hoped he'd be is wrapped up in you. Being a father to you is such a natural part of his soul... if there's anything in this world he does to near-perfection, it's being your daddy. He is everything I ever wanted my children to have in a father. If I could only give you two things in this world, one would be for you to always know how deeply I love you and the other would be a daddy who is everything and more than you need. He fulfills that in every way I had ever hoped he would.
Liana Grace, it's been two years, six months, and twenty four days since you came into this world.
And with each passing day, I fall more in love with you.
You are the most remarkable child I've ever met and yes, I realize that I'm completely biased. But those moments where you take my breath away? They're what I live for. I find so much joy wrapped up in seeing you grow into the person you'll someday be. While there are days when I desperately need "me" time, the moment you're gone I miss you to my core. My heart aches for you. I feel more lonely, more empty and less like myself which is ironic seeing as the very thing I was searching for by taking time away from you was "me". I wonder what you're doing and if you're missing me too. (Usually, you aren't!)
There are so many things I adore about you, Liana. The way you reach for my hand when we're walking in public places or as soon as you realize that we're in a parking lot. The way in which it so perfectly melts into mine. The way that you find comfort with mommy in a way no one else can provide. I'm the one you seek when you're hurt. When you need an "owie" kissed. You fit into this lap of mine like a missing puzzle piece. I love the way you show your love... you give the most amazing hugs and kisses. They just melt me to my core and I hope I never forget how it feels in my heart to have your arms wrapped around this neck of mine. I beam with pride over seeing you succeed and the fact that when you do, you beam with pride too. You are such a sensitive little soul who feels the pain of those around you.... much like your mama does. We're emotional creatures, you and me. This may not suit us well during your teenage years but for now, it's a good thing. It's something I'm proud of you for. I like being the mama of the little girl who goes to comfort others and say, "Are you okay?" in that kind-hearted voice of yours. I love your adventurous spirit.... even though it sometimes causes me panic.
Liana, I love every single thing that makes you, you.
Yes, there are moments of struggle. Because just as you're emotional like me, you can also be stubborn like me. And impatient like me. This causes for rifts at least once a day, usually when I need you to listen and you decide to run the other way instead or better yet, completely ignore me. Often times, you're too smart for your own good. Oh, and lets not forget the manipulation tactics you employ when it comes to getting what you want. You have this pout that you smear across your face when you want something you know you shouldn't have. As much as I hate to admit this, it works just about every time. I'm such a sucker for you and so is everyone else. Worse yet, you know it.
Sometime in the next week our lives as we know it will be turned upside down by the arrival of your new baby brother. I worry about how this will effect you. I worry that you'll struggle with now having to share the attention you're so used to getting from mommy, daddy, and everyone else. I worry that you'll feel left out and maybe even resentful.
But here's the thing.... this little boy is your brother. Just as much as we wanted him for ourselves, we wanted him for you too. We wanted you to have a sibling you could walk through life with. Someone who knew you from (almost) start to finish. Someone that was yours. Someone who saw the best and worst parts of you but always loved you just the same.
My heart prays that you and your brother will grow up as best friends. He may not always handle things the same way you do and he may not always be interested in the same things you are because, well, boys are different creatures than us girls are. Regardless of this, my heart begs that you two love each other just the same because I know that the two of you can make each others lives better just by being in them.
In the mean while, I'm beyond excited to see you transform into a big sister. I know that while the initial transition may be a bit bumpy for all of us, you are going to love your little brother to the core. Much like daddy and I were forever changed for the better when you came along, I believe whole-heartedly that you'll be forever changed in the same way once your brother does. I can't wait to see you love on him and shower him with your kisses and your concern. To be "mommy's little helper". I can't wait for daddy and I to have special outings with our little girl and to see your eyes light up during those moments in which you have us all to yourself again.
Sweet girl, I need you to know a few last things before I go....
You are my world. Being my first born, you were the one to set me on this journey and make me a mommy. You changed not only my heart, but my soul. You have been my best and most important teacher because before you, I never knew what life was really about. I never knew how deeply and truly I could love another person. I never knew what it felt like to have my heart walking around outside of my body. I never knew that fear could be so pervasive... so terrifying... so paralyzing. But I also never knew how joyful my life could be and how everything I ever wanted could be wrapped up in one little blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl.
I love you peanut. Thank you for being you and making me, me.
~ Mama ~
Dear Michael,
Wow.... where has the time gone?
Nearly eleven years ago, I fell in love with a boy. He was sweet.... charming.... sensitive.... and even then, I knew he was everything I would someday want in a husband. For that reason, I held on to him tightly and refused to let go. Thankfully, he never made me.
After five and a half years of dating, we got married. There were periods of time leading up to July 1st, 2006 that I wasn't sure we would make it. Equally so, there have been periods of time following July 1st, 2006 that I wasn't sure we would make it. I knew marriage wouldn't be easy.... I had grown up seeing just how much work it could take. Somehow though, I still had little understanding as to just how hard it could be.... a feeling that I think you've felt, too.
You and I have grown up together in many ways. We've seen each other slowly transform into the people we are today. We've been by each others side through thick and thin. I often think about the blessing God bestowed upon us when he brought us together at such a young age... not many couples can say they've experienced all the things we've experienced together.
High school. College. Friendships made and friendships broken. Being there for each other as we tried to figure out who we were as not only individuals, but as a couple. We've experienced life's heartaches together as well as life's joys. We've helped each other up every time one of us has fallen down. We've known each other from the ages of 16 to 28.... a span of time that has included some of our most formidable years. We've been there for each other as we've stumbled and succeeded... individually and as a couple.
You and I, we've been through a lot together.
But there is no one in this world I would've rather done so with.
I remember back to our first two years of marriage. How simple things were back then. How easy it was and how idealistic it felt. The one thing I wanted most out of life was a marriage and a family of my own. You gave me that. I was on cloud nine for those first two years because every night, we came home to each other. It really was that easy.
And then, things slowly became more complicated. Suddenly everything wasn't so easy. We worked different shifts. We bought a house. We accrued responsibility. We had a baby. We were forced to balance a number of different balls in the air... often all at once... while trying to keep any one of them from falling to the ground.
But still, there's no one I would've rather had my life become more complicated with.
These last three years have been the years in which we've seen the most growth. In each other, in our marriage, in our family. We've experienced some stumbling points but made it beyond each one stronger than we were before.
Michael, what a blessing you've been to my life.
Do you know how much I love you? I think it often gets lost in translation through the day-to-day chaos that our life has become these past few years. And as we await the birth of our little boy and become a family of four, I worry that this feeling of things being "lost in translation" won't soon get better.
Realistically, I'm not sure how to express in words just how much I love you but I hope you feel the depth of my words when I say it. Because I.Love.You.
I love you for the man that you are. You have worked so hard to make this life for us. To give me the things that I've always wanted. I love you for being patient and kind when I've deserved far less. I love you for trying to understand me when I don't even understand myself. I love the way that you bring me back to reality when I lose touch with it. I love the way you step up to the plate when I need to step away from it. I love you for continuing to try and learn how to be a better husband.... father.... son.... brother.... friend. I love you for the drastic differences we share and the way we balance each other out. Our relationship has been the perfect example of how opposites attract and while sometimes we struggle with this reality, I'm more thankful for it than anything else. I love you for the way in which you put up with me lecturing you about money.... but you still don't say a word when I indulge in something for myself or Liana. I love the way you fall asleep next to me at night and how (I think) we both feel like that's the one point to every day in which we finally reconnect. I love how sincere your "I love you's" are and when you say them, I can feel those words to my core. I love how you come home and give me a kiss.... even if I'm a crazy mess. I love how you're always okay with cooking dinner.... though I'm not okay when you nit-pick mine. ;) I love when I get an unexpected text or email that simply says, "I love you." It shows that you're thinking about me when I least expect it.
More than anything, I need you to know how much I love you when it comes to being a daddy.
Seeing you with Liana makes my heart absolutely melt. There is nothing sexier or more attractive than a man who can be everything his little girl needs him to be, just when she needs it most. I listen as you put her to bed and say prayers with her and I'm overwhelmed with emotion. When I'm having a weak parenting moment and you step up to the plate, I'm thankful beyond words. I love looking out the kitchen window after you get home from work to see you running around the backyard with her and Moose. I love that your a little kid in big kid clothes... though it makes me a little crazy when you don't use your big kid head and someone, usually Liana, gets hurt when things get a little out of hand. ;)
I love that you challenge her in ways that help her grow. I love how you make her world fun. I love how she says your name like you're her prince charming. I love how excited she gets when you come home from work each night. I love the way you man-handle her in ways I can't.... after all, she must get that physical energy from you because she certainly doesn't get it from me. I love how much you love her and how I can see that love in your eyes. I love how I can see that she's changed you, too.... into a better man, a better husband, a better daddy.
I love how you are everything she deserves and more. That's the only thing I ever wanted from you when it came to being a parent and you've certainly delivered.
As importantly as anything else, I love that I know she'll always be in good hands with you. That you'll move mountains for her. That should anything ever happen to me, she'll be okay because she has you.
I love that soon, we'll have a little boy in this house. I love that in all the same ways you've been a remarkable daddy to Liana, you'll be a remarkable daddy to our son. I love that just as Liana has made me feel complete, I think you'll feel complete too. While you struggled with the newborn stage when Liana was born, I have this feeling you're going to do a lot better the second time around because you'll be able to see the rainbow through the rain. I can't wait to see you become a daddy of two. My gut says you'll do better with two than I will. :)
Michael, I may not say it enough, but please know that regardless of how crazy our days are (or how crazy your wife may be).... I love you with everything in me. I'm so proud of the man you've become. We may not have it all together.... individually or as a couple... but together we have it all.
~ Haley ~
Any day now, we're expecting your little brother to enter into this world and officially become a member of our family. Before he does, there are some things I've been wanting to tell you.
Liana, you changed my world in a way I could have never imagined. In July 2008, when that pregnancy stick showed a positive result, I knew that life was about to be very, very different. You weren't something we had planned on but I knew instantly that God had given you to us for a reason beyond my understanding. I knew that some way, some how, you were meant for me. I was beyond excited at everything you would hold for me and daddy.
Those nine months of pregnancy seemed to crawl by as I so anxiously awaited meeting you. There was nothing I wanted more than to finally hold you in my arms, look into your eyes, and see what your daddy and I had created. To see what a product of our love truly looked like. To see everything we had worked towards come to fruition. I only remember a few moments of fear during those nine months as most of the time, nothing but peace was within my heart. I knew deep down you were going to be perfect. I knew you were going to be my angel here on earth.
And boy, you sure haven't disappointed.
I remember so vividly those hours before you entered this world. I remember the pains, the anticipation, the excitement of knowing I was so close to meeting you. I remember the moment you left my body... I remember the fear that engulfed me for the 30 minutes they wouldn't let me hold you.... I remember the overwhelming emotion of seeing your daddy hold you for the first time before I even got a chance to.
Bringing you home, things finally started to feel real. It wasn't just daddy and I anymore.... there were three to this equation. You brought daddy and I closer in a way we couldn't have imagined. There were some hard times that first year as we learned to balance individuality, marriage, and parenthood. There were times when I wasn't sure we were cut out to do this together. But the thing is, nothing was about "us" anymore. It had become about you. You glued us together in a way no one else could.... you made us a family.
While we're speaking of daddy, let me tell you the ways in which you changed him. You showed me a whole new side to the man I so long ago fell in love with. A side only you could have brought out, being our first born. The way in which you adore him and the way in which he adores you... well, that's something incredible. It's a sight to be seen. Honestly, it makes my heart beat a little faster and makes me love him a whole lot deeper. The man I had always hoped he'd be is wrapped up in you. Being a father to you is such a natural part of his soul... if there's anything in this world he does to near-perfection, it's being your daddy. He is everything I ever wanted my children to have in a father. If I could only give you two things in this world, one would be for you to always know how deeply I love you and the other would be a daddy who is everything and more than you need. He fulfills that in every way I had ever hoped he would.
Liana Grace, it's been two years, six months, and twenty four days since you came into this world.
And with each passing day, I fall more in love with you.
You are the most remarkable child I've ever met and yes, I realize that I'm completely biased. But those moments where you take my breath away? They're what I live for. I find so much joy wrapped up in seeing you grow into the person you'll someday be. While there are days when I desperately need "me" time, the moment you're gone I miss you to my core. My heart aches for you. I feel more lonely, more empty and less like myself which is ironic seeing as the very thing I was searching for by taking time away from you was "me". I wonder what you're doing and if you're missing me too. (Usually, you aren't!)
There are so many things I adore about you, Liana. The way you reach for my hand when we're walking in public places or as soon as you realize that we're in a parking lot. The way in which it so perfectly melts into mine. The way that you find comfort with mommy in a way no one else can provide. I'm the one you seek when you're hurt. When you need an "owie" kissed. You fit into this lap of mine like a missing puzzle piece. I love the way you show your love... you give the most amazing hugs and kisses. They just melt me to my core and I hope I never forget how it feels in my heart to have your arms wrapped around this neck of mine. I beam with pride over seeing you succeed and the fact that when you do, you beam with pride too. You are such a sensitive little soul who feels the pain of those around you.... much like your mama does. We're emotional creatures, you and me. This may not suit us well during your teenage years but for now, it's a good thing. It's something I'm proud of you for. I like being the mama of the little girl who goes to comfort others and say, "Are you okay?" in that kind-hearted voice of yours. I love your adventurous spirit.... even though it sometimes causes me panic.
Liana, I love every single thing that makes you, you.
Yes, there are moments of struggle. Because just as you're emotional like me, you can also be stubborn like me. And impatient like me. This causes for rifts at least once a day, usually when I need you to listen and you decide to run the other way instead or better yet, completely ignore me. Often times, you're too smart for your own good. Oh, and lets not forget the manipulation tactics you employ when it comes to getting what you want. You have this pout that you smear across your face when you want something you know you shouldn't have. As much as I hate to admit this, it works just about every time. I'm such a sucker for you and so is everyone else. Worse yet, you know it.
Sometime in the next week our lives as we know it will be turned upside down by the arrival of your new baby brother. I worry about how this will effect you. I worry that you'll struggle with now having to share the attention you're so used to getting from mommy, daddy, and everyone else. I worry that you'll feel left out and maybe even resentful.
But here's the thing.... this little boy is your brother. Just as much as we wanted him for ourselves, we wanted him for you too. We wanted you to have a sibling you could walk through life with. Someone who knew you from (almost) start to finish. Someone that was yours. Someone who saw the best and worst parts of you but always loved you just the same.
My heart prays that you and your brother will grow up as best friends. He may not always handle things the same way you do and he may not always be interested in the same things you are because, well, boys are different creatures than us girls are. Regardless of this, my heart begs that you two love each other just the same because I know that the two of you can make each others lives better just by being in them.
In the mean while, I'm beyond excited to see you transform into a big sister. I know that while the initial transition may be a bit bumpy for all of us, you are going to love your little brother to the core. Much like daddy and I were forever changed for the better when you came along, I believe whole-heartedly that you'll be forever changed in the same way once your brother does. I can't wait to see you love on him and shower him with your kisses and your concern. To be "mommy's little helper". I can't wait for daddy and I to have special outings with our little girl and to see your eyes light up during those moments in which you have us all to yourself again.
Sweet girl, I need you to know a few last things before I go....
You are my world. Being my first born, you were the one to set me on this journey and make me a mommy. You changed not only my heart, but my soul. You have been my best and most important teacher because before you, I never knew what life was really about. I never knew how deeply and truly I could love another person. I never knew what it felt like to have my heart walking around outside of my body. I never knew that fear could be so pervasive... so terrifying... so paralyzing. But I also never knew how joyful my life could be and how everything I ever wanted could be wrapped up in one little blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl.
I love you peanut. Thank you for being you and making me, me.
~ Mama ~
_____________________________
Dear Michael,
Wow.... where has the time gone?
Nearly eleven years ago, I fell in love with a boy. He was sweet.... charming.... sensitive.... and even then, I knew he was everything I would someday want in a husband. For that reason, I held on to him tightly and refused to let go. Thankfully, he never made me.
After five and a half years of dating, we got married. There were periods of time leading up to July 1st, 2006 that I wasn't sure we would make it. Equally so, there have been periods of time following July 1st, 2006 that I wasn't sure we would make it. I knew marriage wouldn't be easy.... I had grown up seeing just how much work it could take. Somehow though, I still had little understanding as to just how hard it could be.... a feeling that I think you've felt, too.
You and I have grown up together in many ways. We've seen each other slowly transform into the people we are today. We've been by each others side through thick and thin. I often think about the blessing God bestowed upon us when he brought us together at such a young age... not many couples can say they've experienced all the things we've experienced together.
High school. College. Friendships made and friendships broken. Being there for each other as we tried to figure out who we were as not only individuals, but as a couple. We've experienced life's heartaches together as well as life's joys. We've helped each other up every time one of us has fallen down. We've known each other from the ages of 16 to 28.... a span of time that has included some of our most formidable years. We've been there for each other as we've stumbled and succeeded... individually and as a couple.
You and I, we've been through a lot together.
But there is no one in this world I would've rather done so with.
I remember back to our first two years of marriage. How simple things were back then. How easy it was and how idealistic it felt. The one thing I wanted most out of life was a marriage and a family of my own. You gave me that. I was on cloud nine for those first two years because every night, we came home to each other. It really was that easy.
And then, things slowly became more complicated. Suddenly everything wasn't so easy. We worked different shifts. We bought a house. We accrued responsibility. We had a baby. We were forced to balance a number of different balls in the air... often all at once... while trying to keep any one of them from falling to the ground.
But still, there's no one I would've rather had my life become more complicated with.
These last three years have been the years in which we've seen the most growth. In each other, in our marriage, in our family. We've experienced some stumbling points but made it beyond each one stronger than we were before.
Michael, what a blessing you've been to my life.
Do you know how much I love you? I think it often gets lost in translation through the day-to-day chaos that our life has become these past few years. And as we await the birth of our little boy and become a family of four, I worry that this feeling of things being "lost in translation" won't soon get better.
Realistically, I'm not sure how to express in words just how much I love you but I hope you feel the depth of my words when I say it. Because I.Love.You.
I love you for the man that you are. You have worked so hard to make this life for us. To give me the things that I've always wanted. I love you for being patient and kind when I've deserved far less. I love you for trying to understand me when I don't even understand myself. I love the way that you bring me back to reality when I lose touch with it. I love the way you step up to the plate when I need to step away from it. I love you for continuing to try and learn how to be a better husband.... father.... son.... brother.... friend. I love you for the drastic differences we share and the way we balance each other out. Our relationship has been the perfect example of how opposites attract and while sometimes we struggle with this reality, I'm more thankful for it than anything else. I love you for the way in which you put up with me lecturing you about money.... but you still don't say a word when I indulge in something for myself or Liana. I love the way you fall asleep next to me at night and how (I think) we both feel like that's the one point to every day in which we finally reconnect. I love how sincere your "I love you's" are and when you say them, I can feel those words to my core. I love how you come home and give me a kiss.... even if I'm a crazy mess. I love how you're always okay with cooking dinner.... though I'm not okay when you nit-pick mine. ;) I love when I get an unexpected text or email that simply says, "I love you." It shows that you're thinking about me when I least expect it.
More than anything, I need you to know how much I love you when it comes to being a daddy.
Seeing you with Liana makes my heart absolutely melt. There is nothing sexier or more attractive than a man who can be everything his little girl needs him to be, just when she needs it most. I listen as you put her to bed and say prayers with her and I'm overwhelmed with emotion. When I'm having a weak parenting moment and you step up to the plate, I'm thankful beyond words. I love looking out the kitchen window after you get home from work to see you running around the backyard with her and Moose. I love that your a little kid in big kid clothes... though it makes me a little crazy when you don't use your big kid head and someone, usually Liana, gets hurt when things get a little out of hand. ;)
I love that you challenge her in ways that help her grow. I love how you make her world fun. I love how she says your name like you're her prince charming. I love how excited she gets when you come home from work each night. I love the way you man-handle her in ways I can't.... after all, she must get that physical energy from you because she certainly doesn't get it from me. I love how much you love her and how I can see that love in your eyes. I love how I can see that she's changed you, too.... into a better man, a better husband, a better daddy.
I love how you are everything she deserves and more. That's the only thing I ever wanted from you when it came to being a parent and you've certainly delivered.
As importantly as anything else, I love that I know she'll always be in good hands with you. That you'll move mountains for her. That should anything ever happen to me, she'll be okay because she has you.
I love that soon, we'll have a little boy in this house. I love that in all the same ways you've been a remarkable daddy to Liana, you'll be a remarkable daddy to our son. I love that just as Liana has made me feel complete, I think you'll feel complete too. While you struggled with the newborn stage when Liana was born, I have this feeling you're going to do a lot better the second time around because you'll be able to see the rainbow through the rain. I can't wait to see you become a daddy of two. My gut says you'll do better with two than I will. :)
Michael, I may not say it enough, but please know that regardless of how crazy our days are (or how crazy your wife may be).... I love you with everything in me. I'm so proud of the man you've become. We may not have it all together.... individually or as a couple... but together we have it all.
~ Haley ~
Monday, October 17, 2011
Reality check.... one, two.
Holy cow.
So, I went for my OB appt today and Dr. John offered to strip my membranes.
I'm pretty certain that I looked like a deer in the headlights while sitting on that exam table.
My jaw must have hit the floor.
After what seemed like minutes of awkward silence (but was probably seconds), the only thing I could muster out of this mouth of mine was "Can I call and ask Mike what he thinks?"
Dr. John laughed, then sat there patiently while I made a rather humorous phone call to my husband (who I think about peed himself).
I hope he found us entertaining.... it's better than the alternative.
Mike's reaction? He basically begged me not to have it done.
I'm sure Dr. John also got a good laugh when my reaction to this was, "Are you saying no because of the Alumni hockey game on Friday night?!" (Only I would have to actually worry about my husband choosing hockey over me having our baby. Only I.) Thank God his answer was no.... otherwise I would've had it done just to spite him. ;)
After quickly realizing that we weren't ready for this today, Dr. John offered to do the procedure on Friday instead. I made the appointment while making sure that it would be okay if I called to cancel last minute. (It is.)
Realistically, I doubt I'll wait until Friday to make that phone call. I just don't think I can do it for two reasons: 1) It's not guaranteed to work. I wasn't dilated at all when I had it done with Liana and it hurt like hell... and I doubt I'm dilated now. So why go through the pain with no guarantees? 2) I quickly realized today that 10 days may not be long enough to begin with.... pushing that up to sometime within the next 24-48 hours? Or even this weekend? Whoa. Cue panic and a new found sense of patience.
So I know I'm a freaking roller coaster. Trust me, I know.
I love this baby more than life itself and I haven't even met him yet.
But am I ready to meet him today? Tomorrow? This weekend? Not sure about that.....
If God decides it's time, that's one thing. But me taking that step and causing it to happen sooner? Nope, can't do it.
Ten days from now, I'll be holding this baby in my arms. There are moments where I wish these next 10 days would fly just so he could be here. (And so I wouldn't be pregnant anymore.) Then there are moments where I don't feel quite ready yet and would like those 10 days to take their sweet time in passing.
I'm 97% ready... willing... waiting. But that 3%... oh, that's a force to be reckoned with.
What a reality check we got today. Mike and I are both really realizing just how soon our world is going to change. Ten days is going to pass us by in the blink of an eye. That thought is exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time.
So, for the next 10 days (or however long we have...), I promise two things:
1. I'm going to try my hardest to minimize the freaking out from here on forward. Because regardless of my anxieties, self-doubt and fears, I know that once this little man is here, I'm going to regret this roller coaster of emotion I've been on. After all, I already know that my life would have never been complete without him.
2. I'm going to enjoy every possible second I have with Liana and Mike. After all, these are our last days as a family of three. These are the last days that Liana doesn't have to share her attention with a new baby. These are the last days I get to soak her up without distractions. These are the last days that my husband and I will get to spend each night watching tv, having a bowl of ice cream, playing footsie and holding hands without wondering when the baby is going to start crying. Yes, all of those things deserved to be enjoyed to the fullest extent possible.
Fourteen months down.... ten days to go.
I can do this. I will do this. I will do this AND I will do it with a smile on my face because I'm more excited than scared. I have to be. For everything that is and everything that is to come. <3
So I leave you with this:
Here's to knowing that God's timing is perfect. That He doesn't make mistakes. That He'll make sure my heart is ready when it's time to meet this baby.
Ten more days little man. Ten more days. :)
So, I went for my OB appt today and Dr. John offered to strip my membranes.
I'm pretty certain that I looked like a deer in the headlights while sitting on that exam table.
My jaw must have hit the floor.
After what seemed like minutes of awkward silence (but was probably seconds), the only thing I could muster out of this mouth of mine was "Can I call and ask Mike what he thinks?"
Dr. John laughed, then sat there patiently while I made a rather humorous phone call to my husband (who I think about peed himself).
I hope he found us entertaining.... it's better than the alternative.
Mike's reaction? He basically begged me not to have it done.
I'm sure Dr. John also got a good laugh when my reaction to this was, "Are you saying no because of the Alumni hockey game on Friday night?!" (Only I would have to actually worry about my husband choosing hockey over me having our baby. Only I.) Thank God his answer was no.... otherwise I would've had it done just to spite him. ;)
After quickly realizing that we weren't ready for this today, Dr. John offered to do the procedure on Friday instead. I made the appointment while making sure that it would be okay if I called to cancel last minute. (It is.)
Realistically, I doubt I'll wait until Friday to make that phone call. I just don't think I can do it for two reasons: 1) It's not guaranteed to work. I wasn't dilated at all when I had it done with Liana and it hurt like hell... and I doubt I'm dilated now. So why go through the pain with no guarantees? 2) I quickly realized today that 10 days may not be long enough to begin with.... pushing that up to sometime within the next 24-48 hours? Or even this weekend? Whoa. Cue panic and a new found sense of patience.
So I know I'm a freaking roller coaster. Trust me, I know.
I love this baby more than life itself and I haven't even met him yet.
But am I ready to meet him today? Tomorrow? This weekend? Not sure about that.....
If God decides it's time, that's one thing. But me taking that step and causing it to happen sooner? Nope, can't do it.
Ten days from now, I'll be holding this baby in my arms. There are moments where I wish these next 10 days would fly just so he could be here. (And so I wouldn't be pregnant anymore.) Then there are moments where I don't feel quite ready yet and would like those 10 days to take their sweet time in passing.
I'm 97% ready... willing... waiting. But that 3%... oh, that's a force to be reckoned with.
What a reality check we got today. Mike and I are both really realizing just how soon our world is going to change. Ten days is going to pass us by in the blink of an eye. That thought is exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time.
So, for the next 10 days (or however long we have...), I promise two things:
1. I'm going to try my hardest to minimize the freaking out from here on forward. Because regardless of my anxieties, self-doubt and fears, I know that once this little man is here, I'm going to regret this roller coaster of emotion I've been on. After all, I already know that my life would have never been complete without him.
2. I'm going to enjoy every possible second I have with Liana and Mike. After all, these are our last days as a family of three. These are the last days that Liana doesn't have to share her attention with a new baby. These are the last days I get to soak her up without distractions. These are the last days that my husband and I will get to spend each night watching tv, having a bowl of ice cream, playing footsie and holding hands without wondering when the baby is going to start crying. Yes, all of those things deserved to be enjoyed to the fullest extent possible.
Fourteen months down.... ten days to go.
I can do this. I will do this. I will do this AND I will do it with a smile on my face because I'm more excited than scared. I have to be. For everything that is and everything that is to come. <3
So I leave you with this:
Here's to knowing that God's timing is perfect. That He doesn't make mistakes. That He'll make sure my heart is ready when it's time to meet this baby.
Ten more days little man. Ten more days. :)
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Holy hormones.
For loving my daughter more than life itself, I'm struggling.
I look at her and am completely overwhelmed at how amazing this little girl is. For how much she changed my life. For how she made me a better person. For how I want to be everything and more than she needs me to be.
But at the same time, I feel like she deserves better.
My patience is wearing thin these days. I woke up this morning after a wonderful night's sleep thinking that I was going to dominate this day. Instead, I feel like it's dominating me.
More failed attempts at going #2 on the potty.... a regression that's come on this past week and now has my heart feeling heavy. I try not to let her see my disappointment but I'm scared that I wear it like a black cloak. A house that's an absolute disaster.... and no motivation to clean it. I need to go grocery shopping but can't because I'm not ready to venture into Meijer with a half-way trained 2 year old who can go hours without peeing or on the flip side, sometimes pees 5 times in 30 minutes.
Patience has never been one of my virtues. It's there but only in small amounts when it comes to certain things. I keep giving myself "pep talks" but they're effects don't seem to last long.
In addition to this, reality is hitting me that in exactly two weeks (or less), I'll have a newborn in this home. I'll be healing from a c-section and at the mercy of two children who need me for just about everything. Yes, I'll have some support for those first two weeks... but after that, I'm on my own.
And that completely overwhelms me.
I'm sometimes resentful of my husband who offers suggestions on what I "should" do when it comes to caring for our kid(s).... while he sits behind a desk 20 miles away. He comes home at 6 and helps parent for 3 hours.
Don't get me wrong.... the man is amazing. He's so patient and has such a way about him... he helps so much when he's here, it's just that he's not here as much as I'd like him to be. And he doesn't get it that for the other 11 hours of the day, I'm on my own and having to do this without him.
Today is, simply put, a bad day. My hormones are raging (as evidenced by the tears I keep shedding) and I'm scared, excited, and nervous for all the changes my life is bringing at once. I'm trying to keep things balanced but feel like I'm dropping the ball in one way or another all the time.
The biggest part of me is dying to meet this little man I carry under my heart and in my belly. But there's another part of me that's still not ready for the changes he'll bring with him. I was telling my friend Kate earlier how ironic that is, seeing as I've been waiting for this baby for over a year now.
(Don't even get me started on how the anniversary of my miscarriage last year is just around the corner. Yes, I still think about it.)
So, there's my vent. Sorry it was so completely depressing.
On the up side:
We finally have the baby name list narrowed down to two. Thank God. I have a favorite, which is also Liana's favorite, and now we just have to "officially" sell Mike on it.
Only four more work days until maternity leave begins and I'm SO ready. Do you know how draining it is to say goodbye to your patients, some whom I've had on my service for over a year, knowing that by the time I come back it's very possible that they won't be here anymore? I'm used to receiving the goodbyes, not giving them. Plus, two of my "favorite" patients died this week which leaves me more ready than ever for some time off.
I'll leave this post with some positive thoughts....
Mike, you are amazing. Thank you for being my rock and during times like these, the better half to our whole. Thank you for seeing that I need moments to myself and stepping up to the plate when I'm about to melt down. Thank you for being the most patient man I know... a character trait that I've always loved about you but find myself adoring right now. Thank you for being such a good daddy... our kids are so completely blessed to have you. So am I.
Liana, I'm so sorry that I'm struggling with you right now. I'm sorry if I let you down. Please always know that no matter what happens, you are the moon to my stars. You, and you alone, are the child that rocked my world and made it 200% better. I look at you and my heart aches because I love you that much. I'm so intensely proud of you and everything that you are. These next few weeks/months may be rough but I promise, life will be better this way and I'll do everything in my power to make sure of that.
Baby Boy, you have no idea how long this mama has been waiting to hold you in her arms. Sometimes it feels like the longest 14 months of my life, sometimes it feels like the shortest. I cannot wait to finally look at your face and fall in love with you all over again.
I look at her and am completely overwhelmed at how amazing this little girl is. For how much she changed my life. For how she made me a better person. For how I want to be everything and more than she needs me to be.
But at the same time, I feel like she deserves better.
My patience is wearing thin these days. I woke up this morning after a wonderful night's sleep thinking that I was going to dominate this day. Instead, I feel like it's dominating me.
More failed attempts at going #2 on the potty.... a regression that's come on this past week and now has my heart feeling heavy. I try not to let her see my disappointment but I'm scared that I wear it like a black cloak. A house that's an absolute disaster.... and no motivation to clean it. I need to go grocery shopping but can't because I'm not ready to venture into Meijer with a half-way trained 2 year old who can go hours without peeing or on the flip side, sometimes pees 5 times in 30 minutes.
Patience has never been one of my virtues. It's there but only in small amounts when it comes to certain things. I keep giving myself "pep talks" but they're effects don't seem to last long.
In addition to this, reality is hitting me that in exactly two weeks (or less), I'll have a newborn in this home. I'll be healing from a c-section and at the mercy of two children who need me for just about everything. Yes, I'll have some support for those first two weeks... but after that, I'm on my own.
And that completely overwhelms me.
I'm sometimes resentful of my husband who offers suggestions on what I "should" do when it comes to caring for our kid(s).... while he sits behind a desk 20 miles away. He comes home at 6 and helps parent for 3 hours.
Don't get me wrong.... the man is amazing. He's so patient and has such a way about him... he helps so much when he's here, it's just that he's not here as much as I'd like him to be. And he doesn't get it that for the other 11 hours of the day, I'm on my own and having to do this without him.
Today is, simply put, a bad day. My hormones are raging (as evidenced by the tears I keep shedding) and I'm scared, excited, and nervous for all the changes my life is bringing at once. I'm trying to keep things balanced but feel like I'm dropping the ball in one way or another all the time.
The biggest part of me is dying to meet this little man I carry under my heart and in my belly. But there's another part of me that's still not ready for the changes he'll bring with him. I was telling my friend Kate earlier how ironic that is, seeing as I've been waiting for this baby for over a year now.
(Don't even get me started on how the anniversary of my miscarriage last year is just around the corner. Yes, I still think about it.)
So, there's my vent. Sorry it was so completely depressing.
On the up side:
We finally have the baby name list narrowed down to two. Thank God. I have a favorite, which is also Liana's favorite, and now we just have to "officially" sell Mike on it.
Only four more work days until maternity leave begins and I'm SO ready. Do you know how draining it is to say goodbye to your patients, some whom I've had on my service for over a year, knowing that by the time I come back it's very possible that they won't be here anymore? I'm used to receiving the goodbyes, not giving them. Plus, two of my "favorite" patients died this week which leaves me more ready than ever for some time off.
I'll leave this post with some positive thoughts....
Mike, you are amazing. Thank you for being my rock and during times like these, the better half to our whole. Thank you for seeing that I need moments to myself and stepping up to the plate when I'm about to melt down. Thank you for being the most patient man I know... a character trait that I've always loved about you but find myself adoring right now. Thank you for being such a good daddy... our kids are so completely blessed to have you. So am I.
Liana, I'm so sorry that I'm struggling with you right now. I'm sorry if I let you down. Please always know that no matter what happens, you are the moon to my stars. You, and you alone, are the child that rocked my world and made it 200% better. I look at you and my heart aches because I love you that much. I'm so intensely proud of you and everything that you are. These next few weeks/months may be rough but I promise, life will be better this way and I'll do everything in my power to make sure of that.
Baby Boy, you have no idea how long this mama has been waiting to hold you in her arms. Sometimes it feels like the longest 14 months of my life, sometimes it feels like the shortest. I cannot wait to finally look at your face and fall in love with you all over again.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
A retraction.
So, my last entry wasn't all that cheery with regards to the pregnancy and I'd like to submit a retraction.
As I sit here on a Sunday afternoon and watch my belly move like a lava lamp, I know I'm going to miss this. And I know I can do it again should we decide to go for baby #3 someday. (I had to put that into print for Haley-of-the-future to see.)
I'm not sure why weeks 28-32 were so rough, but weeks 32-34.5 have been good. Aside from the inability to sleep comfortably and the swelling, that is. We've been busily preparing our house for our newest family member and getting projects done because I know that realistically, not much else will get accomplished over the next 6 months. The nursery is almost complete (and wow, what a reality check that was). The bathroom is repainted. Other small projects that I've been wanting to get done for months are now finished.
Life is about to get a lot crazier.... half of the time, that excites me beyond belief and brings more joy than I could have imagined. The other half of the time, I'm nervous as hell.
I've been connecting deeply, both physically and emotionally, to this baby over the past two weeks. I feel his movements and wonder what he's doing in there. I can feel him push on me as he stretches and I can't wait to see what this little guy actually looks like. I can't believe that in just a few short weeks, I'll be holding him in my arms and able to find out.
This pregnancy has definitely been different than my pregnancy with Liana. I think that throughout most of it, I was in a significant amount of denial as to the reality of having a new baby. It just always seemed so far away and often unreachable. Now, as we quickly approach his birth, there's no more room for denial.
Ready or not, here he comes. :)
I have moments where the reality of it all hits me so hard that it feels like I've walked into a brick wall. Seeing my facebook friends post pics of their newborn little boys did that to me today and gave me my moment of pause. It gets me really excited.
Liana has been more and more interested in "baby brother" as the time has passed. This morning she walked up to me, pulled up my shirt, and said, "Mama, baby brother going to come out soon? Can I see him?" "Yes, just a while longer Liana. He'll be here in a few weeks." I can sense her excitement, though obviously I'm nervous that she really has no idea what this will do to her life as she knows it. I find a lot of reassurance though in her recent love of all babies..... Babies in the store. "Look Mama, there a baby!" Friends babies. "Go see Graham and babies?" "Go see baby Austin and baby Dylan?" Her nursery is now "baby brother's room" and she knows that when brother comes out of mommy's belly, he'll sleep in "her" crib. She was all about sharing it with him and had no hesitation. :) Deep down, I know that the transition from an only child to one of two will be initially difficult but that after those first few days/weeks, she's going to be amazing.
I just wish she'd sleep through the night again. Oh, how I miss that. ;)
My body still aches at times, particularly when I've overdone it. My bladder feels compressed. I don't feel as huge but I'm sure that's in part due to the kindness of my coworkers who reassure me multiple times each day that I'm "all belly". I'm tired from waking up 3-4 times per night to reposition myself and another 1-2 times to take care of Liana and whatever her needs might be.
But like I said, I'm okay. Maybe I'm just soaking it up because I know that the next 4.5 weeks are going to fly by. Or maybe I finally found my groove again. Either way, I'm okay and feeling okay feels good.
So soon, we'll be a family of four. I'll be holding a baby in my arms again.... the arms that felt so empty almost one year ago when we lost our last baby. I'll be able to put a name to a face (if we ever decide on one!) and face to a name. I can't wait to see what this little boy is like in every way possible.
We're tying down the hatches around the Kadzban household these days because October 27th is going to come quickly.
When it does, I hope we're all as ready as we feel. <3
As I sit here on a Sunday afternoon and watch my belly move like a lava lamp, I know I'm going to miss this. And I know I can do it again should we decide to go for baby #3 someday. (I had to put that into print for Haley-of-the-future to see.)
I'm not sure why weeks 28-32 were so rough, but weeks 32-34.5 have been good. Aside from the inability to sleep comfortably and the swelling, that is. We've been busily preparing our house for our newest family member and getting projects done because I know that realistically, not much else will get accomplished over the next 6 months. The nursery is almost complete (and wow, what a reality check that was). The bathroom is repainted. Other small projects that I've been wanting to get done for months are now finished.
Life is about to get a lot crazier.... half of the time, that excites me beyond belief and brings more joy than I could have imagined. The other half of the time, I'm nervous as hell.
I've been connecting deeply, both physically and emotionally, to this baby over the past two weeks. I feel his movements and wonder what he's doing in there. I can feel him push on me as he stretches and I can't wait to see what this little guy actually looks like. I can't believe that in just a few short weeks, I'll be holding him in my arms and able to find out.
This pregnancy has definitely been different than my pregnancy with Liana. I think that throughout most of it, I was in a significant amount of denial as to the reality of having a new baby. It just always seemed so far away and often unreachable. Now, as we quickly approach his birth, there's no more room for denial.
Ready or not, here he comes. :)
I have moments where the reality of it all hits me so hard that it feels like I've walked into a brick wall. Seeing my facebook friends post pics of their newborn little boys did that to me today and gave me my moment of pause. It gets me really excited.
Liana has been more and more interested in "baby brother" as the time has passed. This morning she walked up to me, pulled up my shirt, and said, "Mama, baby brother going to come out soon? Can I see him?" "Yes, just a while longer Liana. He'll be here in a few weeks." I can sense her excitement, though obviously I'm nervous that she really has no idea what this will do to her life as she knows it. I find a lot of reassurance though in her recent love of all babies..... Babies in the store. "Look Mama, there a baby!" Friends babies. "Go see Graham and babies?" "Go see baby Austin and baby Dylan?" Her nursery is now "baby brother's room" and she knows that when brother comes out of mommy's belly, he'll sleep in "her" crib. She was all about sharing it with him and had no hesitation. :) Deep down, I know that the transition from an only child to one of two will be initially difficult but that after those first few days/weeks, she's going to be amazing.
I just wish she'd sleep through the night again. Oh, how I miss that. ;)
My body still aches at times, particularly when I've overdone it. My bladder feels compressed. I don't feel as huge but I'm sure that's in part due to the kindness of my coworkers who reassure me multiple times each day that I'm "all belly". I'm tired from waking up 3-4 times per night to reposition myself and another 1-2 times to take care of Liana and whatever her needs might be.
But like I said, I'm okay. Maybe I'm just soaking it up because I know that the next 4.5 weeks are going to fly by. Or maybe I finally found my groove again. Either way, I'm okay and feeling okay feels good.
So soon, we'll be a family of four. I'll be holding a baby in my arms again.... the arms that felt so empty almost one year ago when we lost our last baby. I'll be able to put a name to a face (if we ever decide on one!) and face to a name. I can't wait to see what this little boy is like in every way possible.
We're tying down the hatches around the Kadzban household these days because October 27th is going to come quickly.
When it does, I hope we're all as ready as we feel. <3
Monday, September 12, 2011
Second time around.
Oh man, pregnancy is so different the second time around.
Now granted, this is my third pregnancy. And don't you doubt that I think about my second baby all the time. I even had a dream the other night that she was a girl and we had named her Alexandria.... not sure why, as I'm not terribly fond of that name, but we did.
But this is the second time I've made it into my second and third trimesters. While I'm still full of excitement over the possibilities, the movements, the hopes and dreams that pregnancy has to offer, I find myself completely over pregnancy a majority of the time these days.
First, let me take you back to my first pregnancy. With Liana, I was infatuated over every little thing - every change, every movement, every aspect of being pregnant. I planned every aspect to the nth degree. I researched everything.... what was happening to my body; what to expect before, during, and after labor; what to register for; what my birth plan should include. I sat in awe at my belly. The pokes. The kicks. I was working weekends only, so I had all the time in the world to take care of myself. That included naps at any time of the day and bedtime when I wanted it. I felt like I was on top of the world emotionally, physically, and mentally. I had very few insecurities... I knew my baby would be perfect (even though I had those moments of "what if?"), I didn't question the changes occurring, I didn't compare myself to other pregnant mommies nearly as much. I was just infatuated and in love - with our baby, my life, my husband. For nine months, Mike and I rarely fought... not even bickered... because I was just too happy to really get angry with him.
He now considers himself lucky. ;)
Three years later, everything has changed.
I'm more insecure than ever. I feel fat. Huge, in fact. I compare myself to those around me even though I try desperately not to. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I feel exhausted. In turn, this makes me feel even more physically insecure because while the motivation to work out is there, the physical ability is lacking. I tire just by going up the stairs for pete sakes. My feet and hands are swollen more than they're not and working out (ie: getting hot and sweaty) makes them swell even more. I find myself needing to rest now more than ever because of this exhaustion but with much less time to do so. After all, there's something else that always seems more important.... like cleaning, doing laundry, talking to a friend, and of course, blogging. ;)
Bending over at this point is a chore, so my house is usually a disaster because everything Liana touches ends up on the floor. Seriously. One hour I'll have a baby in my ribs that leaves me intensely uncomfortable and unable to breathe, the next hour he'll be so low in my pelvis that it hurts to stand or walk. I often wonder if I don't have two babies in this belly of mine and one is just planning a great big surprise 6.5(ish) weeks from now. Can you imagine?! Part of me thinks I'd be overjoyed at twins because in all certainty, then I could be done with pregnancy forever. The other part of me cowers in fear of the possibility.
32 weeks brought with it a whole new joy, too. The joy of being unable to sleep comfortably. Until the past week, I've continued to sleep on my back as that's always been my most comfortable position and Dr. John gave me the go ahead to do so. No more though. I now find myself worrying about how it might affect the baby, let alone my internal organs that all this extra weight is pressing upon. Rolling over is quite the feat and our bed doesn't seem to have enough room in it most of the time. Mike tries to give me my space but realistically, I'd need our queen sized bed all to myself in order to truly have the space I need. So, sleep at times escapes me and when it doesn't, it's not the caliber of sleep I'm in need of.
My stomach is unsettled and my body is doing what it needs to do to get ready to have this baby. On one hand, thank God. On the other hand, I wish it would stop preparing. Preparing sucks.
My hormones are fluctuating constantly so I'm a moody mess at times. I find myself lacking patience with everything.... Mike, Liana, myself, life in general. Some days, it's a chore to take care of myself so taking care of my family on top of that just seems like too much to ask. And yet, I want/have to. I often think to myself (as I fight with my toddler to do anything I want/need her to do), "Remember when you were pregnant with Liana and you only worked weekends and had only yourself to take care of? Yeah, that was nice."
I do have to say though, Mike's been amazing. I love a man that can step it up when his wife needs him to.
Emotionally, I feel less connected to this baby. I love him to death already, don't get me wrong. But when you're worried about work, keeping up a home, being a good spouse and a good mom to your VERY busy two year old.... well, your mind is often elsewhere. It isn't usually until 9pm, when Liana is FINALLY asleep, that I start to notice those kicks. That I start to think about what our life will be like in a few short weeks when he's actually here.
Within an hour or two though, it's off to bed. The next day comes quickly and it's just more of the same chaos. Getting from point A to point Z and all the points in between while balancing life. And did you know that getting to each of those points with a two year old takes 10x as long and uses 10x as much energy?! It does. :)
My home is unprepared for a new baby. Liana's nursery was done by this point in my pregnancy. I've spent the last 8 weeks preparing Liana for the transition into her "big girl" room and in the process, haven't felt right changing her old nursery over quite yet and haven't had the time to do so, anyways. It seems that so much of our attention has been on Liana's needs that we've often forgotten about the baby's needs. I know he won't know the difference.... but I do.
So, things aren't nearly as easy the second time around. Things are more hectic. More chaotic. Less focused. More exhausting.
But I will say this....
I cannot wait to meet this little man of mine. Possibly now more than ever because of the reality that I'm not enjoying pregnancy as much as I did last time.
I do love to feel his kicks. His pokes. His movements. That joy of pregnancy does not escape me. 10x more so when they don't include sending me into fits of pain and discomfort.
Given the alternative, I'd go through all of this every single day in order to have the outcome I'm hoping for now. The outcome of a healthy baby boy in my arms. Because despite my discomfort, I still know just how thankful I am to be in this spot, right here, right now. Because some people don't get to do this. And I know what it feels like to lose a baby.... it's a feeling no mother should have to endure. I hope I never experience that kind of pain, or a pain worse than it, again.
There's also a few things that are offered in your second pregnancy that wasn't available in your first....
The ability to make your firstborn a big brother/sister. To see the bonds form between the two of them. To give them "their person" in life. You know.... the one they can depend on. The one that knows every chapter to their story.
Peace of mind. I know now that I can take care of a baby. Be a good mom. I know I can go without sleep. I know that things may be hard (hopefully not much harder than I expect them to be...) but that in the end, it's usually okay. And if it's not okay, it's not the end.
I know that the first two years of your child's life are cakewalks compared to the third year of life. That's when the real hard work begins. (Oh, sweet Liana.... so much you have taught me these past few months!)
Wish me luck as I continue on this path for the next 6.5 weeks... or less if I'm lucky. I pray for patience, for comfort, for preparation. I know that once I get there and look back, I'll think about how this time flew by and I'll miss it. But for now, it seems that I'll just have to deal with those emotions as I reach them. :)
Now granted, this is my third pregnancy. And don't you doubt that I think about my second baby all the time. I even had a dream the other night that she was a girl and we had named her Alexandria.... not sure why, as I'm not terribly fond of that name, but we did.
But this is the second time I've made it into my second and third trimesters. While I'm still full of excitement over the possibilities, the movements, the hopes and dreams that pregnancy has to offer, I find myself completely over pregnancy a majority of the time these days.
First, let me take you back to my first pregnancy. With Liana, I was infatuated over every little thing - every change, every movement, every aspect of being pregnant. I planned every aspect to the nth degree. I researched everything.... what was happening to my body; what to expect before, during, and after labor; what to register for; what my birth plan should include. I sat in awe at my belly. The pokes. The kicks. I was working weekends only, so I had all the time in the world to take care of myself. That included naps at any time of the day and bedtime when I wanted it. I felt like I was on top of the world emotionally, physically, and mentally. I had very few insecurities... I knew my baby would be perfect (even though I had those moments of "what if?"), I didn't question the changes occurring, I didn't compare myself to other pregnant mommies nearly as much. I was just infatuated and in love - with our baby, my life, my husband. For nine months, Mike and I rarely fought... not even bickered... because I was just too happy to really get angry with him.
He now considers himself lucky. ;)
Three years later, everything has changed.
I'm more insecure than ever. I feel fat. Huge, in fact. I compare myself to those around me even though I try desperately not to. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I feel exhausted. In turn, this makes me feel even more physically insecure because while the motivation to work out is there, the physical ability is lacking. I tire just by going up the stairs for pete sakes. My feet and hands are swollen more than they're not and working out (ie: getting hot and sweaty) makes them swell even more. I find myself needing to rest now more than ever because of this exhaustion but with much less time to do so. After all, there's something else that always seems more important.... like cleaning, doing laundry, talking to a friend, and of course, blogging. ;)
Bending over at this point is a chore, so my house is usually a disaster because everything Liana touches ends up on the floor. Seriously. One hour I'll have a baby in my ribs that leaves me intensely uncomfortable and unable to breathe, the next hour he'll be so low in my pelvis that it hurts to stand or walk. I often wonder if I don't have two babies in this belly of mine and one is just planning a great big surprise 6.5(ish) weeks from now. Can you imagine?! Part of me thinks I'd be overjoyed at twins because in all certainty, then I could be done with pregnancy forever. The other part of me cowers in fear of the possibility.
32 weeks brought with it a whole new joy, too. The joy of being unable to sleep comfortably. Until the past week, I've continued to sleep on my back as that's always been my most comfortable position and Dr. John gave me the go ahead to do so. No more though. I now find myself worrying about how it might affect the baby, let alone my internal organs that all this extra weight is pressing upon. Rolling over is quite the feat and our bed doesn't seem to have enough room in it most of the time. Mike tries to give me my space but realistically, I'd need our queen sized bed all to myself in order to truly have the space I need. So, sleep at times escapes me and when it doesn't, it's not the caliber of sleep I'm in need of.
My stomach is unsettled and my body is doing what it needs to do to get ready to have this baby. On one hand, thank God. On the other hand, I wish it would stop preparing. Preparing sucks.
My hormones are fluctuating constantly so I'm a moody mess at times. I find myself lacking patience with everything.... Mike, Liana, myself, life in general. Some days, it's a chore to take care of myself so taking care of my family on top of that just seems like too much to ask. And yet, I want/have to. I often think to myself (as I fight with my toddler to do anything I want/need her to do), "Remember when you were pregnant with Liana and you only worked weekends and had only yourself to take care of? Yeah, that was nice."
I do have to say though, Mike's been amazing. I love a man that can step it up when his wife needs him to.
Emotionally, I feel less connected to this baby. I love him to death already, don't get me wrong. But when you're worried about work, keeping up a home, being a good spouse and a good mom to your VERY busy two year old.... well, your mind is often elsewhere. It isn't usually until 9pm, when Liana is FINALLY asleep, that I start to notice those kicks. That I start to think about what our life will be like in a few short weeks when he's actually here.
Within an hour or two though, it's off to bed. The next day comes quickly and it's just more of the same chaos. Getting from point A to point Z and all the points in between while balancing life. And did you know that getting to each of those points with a two year old takes 10x as long and uses 10x as much energy?! It does. :)
My home is unprepared for a new baby. Liana's nursery was done by this point in my pregnancy. I've spent the last 8 weeks preparing Liana for the transition into her "big girl" room and in the process, haven't felt right changing her old nursery over quite yet and haven't had the time to do so, anyways. It seems that so much of our attention has been on Liana's needs that we've often forgotten about the baby's needs. I know he won't know the difference.... but I do.
So, things aren't nearly as easy the second time around. Things are more hectic. More chaotic. Less focused. More exhausting.
But I will say this....
I cannot wait to meet this little man of mine. Possibly now more than ever because of the reality that I'm not enjoying pregnancy as much as I did last time.
I do love to feel his kicks. His pokes. His movements. That joy of pregnancy does not escape me. 10x more so when they don't include sending me into fits of pain and discomfort.
Given the alternative, I'd go through all of this every single day in order to have the outcome I'm hoping for now. The outcome of a healthy baby boy in my arms. Because despite my discomfort, I still know just how thankful I am to be in this spot, right here, right now. Because some people don't get to do this. And I know what it feels like to lose a baby.... it's a feeling no mother should have to endure. I hope I never experience that kind of pain, or a pain worse than it, again.
There's also a few things that are offered in your second pregnancy that wasn't available in your first....
The ability to make your firstborn a big brother/sister. To see the bonds form between the two of them. To give them "their person" in life. You know.... the one they can depend on. The one that knows every chapter to their story.
Peace of mind. I know now that I can take care of a baby. Be a good mom. I know I can go without sleep. I know that things may be hard (hopefully not much harder than I expect them to be...) but that in the end, it's usually okay. And if it's not okay, it's not the end.
I know that the first two years of your child's life are cakewalks compared to the third year of life. That's when the real hard work begins. (Oh, sweet Liana.... so much you have taught me these past few months!)
Wish me luck as I continue on this path for the next 6.5 weeks... or less if I'm lucky. I pray for patience, for comfort, for preparation. I know that once I get there and look back, I'll think about how this time flew by and I'll miss it. But for now, it seems that I'll just have to deal with those emotions as I reach them. :)
Monday, July 11, 2011
A really long "catch me up".
I feel like every other entry I post these days begins with, "well, it's been awhile.... again." There's always so much I want to say and write about but free time is not something I've been afforded much of lately. I can't believe how quickly this summer is going by and how crazy my days feel. Between working extra hours (which in my case means 10-14 hour days, 2-3 days per week) and the million things we have to do around the house, I find myself too drained at the end of the day to sit in front of this computer screen and write. Especially knowing that I'm sacrificing getting something else done by doing so.
But, despite my house looking like a tornado has hit it, I'm here writing. These past few weeks deserve to be remembered, so if I don't put them into words now, I know I'll soon forget.
Amazingly enough, Mike and I had FIVE days off together over the 4th of July weekend. The last time we had that much time off together was when we went to Jamaica last year; the time before that was back in 2007. It doesn't happen much because it's extremely difficult for my husband to "let go" of work for a few days (did you know he works from home almost every saturday morning? and over the course of these five days, I got after him on at least 2 of those days because I found him on the computer "checking in"?). Spending this much time together only makes me want more time with him and as a family... hence the reason I was nearly in tears on Tuesday just thinking about the fact that we'd be returning to reality come Wednesday. I feel like I never can soak it up enough. But, I tried my hardest!
Our first day off together fell on Friday, July 1st.... our 5th wedding anniversary. How has five years already come and gone? It was a bit surreal to me all day that we've been married five years already, which only makes me wonder how surreal it'll feel when it's been ten, fifteen, or twenty years. (I hope to write a post of it's own someday soon about how five years feels, but for now that will have to wait.) While we had intended to spend the day in Holland as a family, the weather didn't quite cooperate with our plans so we ended up spending the day in the comforts of home before going out to dinner and the mall with Liana in tow. (I couldn't bear the thought of leaving her with a sitter two nights in a row, as we had a wedding the next night.) While the day didn't quite turn into the romantic event I had hoped for, I think we both found ourselves laughing during dinner as we wrangled an impatient two year old and realized that our day actually ended up being a perfect representation of who we are and just how far we've come these past five years. No glitz. No glamour. Just a nice dose of our everyday life... together. A life that we love. A life that we built, together. Is there a better gift than that?! I doubt it.
Saturday was a day of busyness for Mike and I. My mom came over bright and early to pick up Liana so that we could get some stuff done before attending our friend's wedding at 4. While Mike stayed home and worked in the yard and around the house, I ran errands and got ready for our evening. At 4pm, we arrived on the campus of GVSU for Dean and Jodi's wedding. They got married outside in the arboretum and while it was ridiculously hot (and humid!) which made it slightly miserable to sit through, I have to say that I've never heard a more beautiful ceremony. Maybe my hormones played a large part in the way I was feeling, but as I listened to the words being spoken, I found myself holding back tears. Following the ceremony we all headed downtown for the reception at The B.O.B. I definitely felt like the "old lady" of the group and Mike and I joked around all night about how I always seem to be pregnant at weddings. I have to say that it's not much fun watching everyone drink and let go of their inhibitions a little for one night while I sit there and feel as awkward as ever, but I made do. By the end of the night, I even made it onto the dance floor. We got to see and spend time with a lot of our old GVSU friends which made Mike's day/week/month/summer. I love seeing him so happy. While we thought about staying out even later, we made our way home and climbed into our bed around 12:30. It was a good thing, too, because Sunday was no day of rest for us. :)
Sunday morning, we actually slept in (this is unheard of for me, even when Liana's not home!). My mom brought Liana home around 11 which was just in time for nap. As she slept, Mike and I continued on with our long to-do list and when she woke up, we headed over to Aunt Barb & Uncle Mark's for a Kadzban Family Pool Party. I was disappointed that more people didn't come but I was still happy with those who did. Our cousins, Laura & Matt, are also expecting a baby and are due at the end of November so it was really nice to be able to catch up and hear that she's been feeling kicks too. Liana didn't enjoy the pool too much, however. While I got her to go in with me soon after we arrived, she was more than slightly traumatized when people started jumping off the diving board. So the rest of the time we tried to "ease" her into going back in with only a small amount of success. My peanut is certainly not a waterbug this year, that's for sure.
Monday was the day we had all been waiting for.... I love the 4th of July almost as much as I love Christmas & Thanksgiving. We made our way into Grandville to see the parade and Liana did GREAT! We had front row seats (not thanks to the hundreds of adults who for some reason feel THEY need a front row seat instead of my two year old... don't even get me started on this subject) thanks to a kind couple who had saved too much space for their family. Despite the fire truck sirens and loud horns blaring, she took it all in stride without a single tear. We ventured into the craft show after the parade had finished but soon realized it was getting late and Liana needed her nap. So we headed back out, but not before we ran into a few old friends & classmates first. :)
We headed back to my parents house for the afternoon to have lunch, let Liana nap, and float in the pool. We ended up staying there the entire day until we went back into Grandville to watch the fireworks. By this point, Liana had been ready for bed for a while so I knew we were pushing it. We decided to watch them from the parking lot at Rivertown Crossings because I was nervous that the bright lights and loud booms would scare her and if you know Grandville, you know it's no easy task to get out of there quickly on the night of the 4th. While the thought was a good one, I wouldn't go back to watch the fireworks there again.... they were surprisingly too far away to get the full experience. Liana lost interest really quickly and the minute they were done, we were out of there.
Finally, Tuesday was our final day off together. We took Liana to Millenium Park hoping that the Splash Pad would be enticing to her. It wasn't. After MUCH effort on our part, Mike and I realized it was a lost cause and left only 2 hours after arriving.
While all the activities of our vacation didn't quite turn out as we had hoped, I loved every.single.moment of our five days together. I loved being with my husband without a single interruption (ie... hockey or work). I loved that we got stuff done AND we got to do the fun stuff we've been wanting to do for so long now. I loved the memories made and how happy Liana was to have both her Mommy and Daddy with her for nearly five days straight.
I just loved it.
Since then, Mike and I have both gone back to work and back to reality. I have to say, I'm not always such a big fan! For the next three weeks, Mike is gone 3 nights a week (Mon, Tues, Thurs) for hockey which essentially means I'm on my own with our little one all 3 of those days. I've also scheduled my on-call hours for 2 of those Wed nights which realistically means I won't see him 4 nights in a row during those weeks. The reason he's gone 3 nights rather than his usual 1 night is because he's coaching summer camp so come August, we'll have him mostly to ourselves again.... forever. The head coach decided in June that he's not coming back in the fall which also means Mike and the other asst coaches aren't coming back either. While I'm sad that we won't have that extra bit of income each year, I'm elated at the fact that I'll have my husband all to myself each night, just when I need him the most.
I have to believe this was another way of God intervening and showing us what was best for ourselves when we didn't know ourselves.
So aside from all of that, we've had plenty of projects going on around our house in preparation for this new baby. Liana's "big girl" bedroom furniture was ordered last week and should be arriving this week or next. As a result, we've moved the guest bedroom from the room it's been in for the past three years to our other bedroom. I've been in decorating mode and I'm hoping that we'll paint her new room this weekend. While these kinds of transitions make me excited, they also provide me with a whole lot of anxiety. I'm not usually very good with change and I often find myself not ready for this one, even though it's stemming from something so wonderful. Part of the reason I'm not so good with change is because I'm terrible at making "big" decisions.... it took me 2 weeks to finally decide which bedroom suite to buy her! (Mike doesn't help this process, either, as unlike most men, mine is quite opinionated!) I research everything like crazy and have this deep need to "shop around" in order to save money wherever we can. While it always ends up benefiting us, it stresses me out in the process. Do you know how hard it is to "shop around" when you have a 2 year old in tow? Seriously!
My hope is that we'll transition her into her "big girl" bedroom sometime this month. I don't want to push her too quickly because if she's anything like me, she'll revolt against a "forced change". So we'll let her do it at her own pace and see how things go. I just pray that being in a "big girl" bed doesn't change her sleeping habits too much... this mama needs her sleep now more than ever!
Mike and I have also been toying with the idea of trying to potty train her this summer still. Again, this causes me great anxiety. First, I feel like she could be ready, but I don't want to push her because then she'll revolt. Second, I worry that she'll regress, as I've heard many kids do, once her little brother comes along. Third, even though she can tell me after she goes potty and poo-poo, she rarely tells me before so I'm not sure that we're quite there yet. Part of my struggle is knowing that either we do it now or we have to wait another 6 months. There's no way I'm going to try and potty train right before the baby comes along... that's just asking for trouble. And there's no way I'm going to potty train with a newborn in the house.... I've heard that's self-induced torture. So should this not happen soon, I can only assume that we'd have to wait until January to take that next step into the world of being a big girl. I'm not happy about having her being almost three before she's trained, but I suppose this is just one more thing out of my control. Heck, who knows, maybe she'll surprise us all somewhere in the middle. :)
There are so many changes going on right now in the Kadzban house. While I'm completely overjoyed with the reality of all of them, like I said, they also cause me some anxiety. But this is the path on which we've been set. This is the path in which God has chosen for us. Ultimately, I'm more than okay with that.
Finally, I'll update you on our little guy.
Who blows me away everyday.
Liana wasn't a terribly active baby. I felt her move a lot at night but rarely during the day. This little boy moves all.the.time!!!! Between my visits for work, I sit with one hand on the steering wheel and one hand on my belly. I feel kicks, jabs, and pokes all day and right up until bed time. Only once has he woken me out of my sleep with his movements... but considering I'm only 23 weeks and I never experienced that with Liana, I'm a bit nervous for everything that's still to come. I just keep reminding myself that I better enjoy this stage while it lasts because those last 12 weeks could be incredibly brutal as I start to feel like a beached whale who's getting beaten up from the inside out. ;)
Okay, well I think I'll wrap up my update there... for now. There's still a million things I want to say but there's also a million other things I need to be doing right now.
I'll leave you with a few pictures of our last few weeks. :)
But, despite my house looking like a tornado has hit it, I'm here writing. These past few weeks deserve to be remembered, so if I don't put them into words now, I know I'll soon forget.
Amazingly enough, Mike and I had FIVE days off together over the 4th of July weekend. The last time we had that much time off together was when we went to Jamaica last year; the time before that was back in 2007. It doesn't happen much because it's extremely difficult for my husband to "let go" of work for a few days (did you know he works from home almost every saturday morning? and over the course of these five days, I got after him on at least 2 of those days because I found him on the computer "checking in"?). Spending this much time together only makes me want more time with him and as a family... hence the reason I was nearly in tears on Tuesday just thinking about the fact that we'd be returning to reality come Wednesday. I feel like I never can soak it up enough. But, I tried my hardest!
Our first day off together fell on Friday, July 1st.... our 5th wedding anniversary. How has five years already come and gone? It was a bit surreal to me all day that we've been married five years already, which only makes me wonder how surreal it'll feel when it's been ten, fifteen, or twenty years. (I hope to write a post of it's own someday soon about how five years feels, but for now that will have to wait.) While we had intended to spend the day in Holland as a family, the weather didn't quite cooperate with our plans so we ended up spending the day in the comforts of home before going out to dinner and the mall with Liana in tow. (I couldn't bear the thought of leaving her with a sitter two nights in a row, as we had a wedding the next night.) While the day didn't quite turn into the romantic event I had hoped for, I think we both found ourselves laughing during dinner as we wrangled an impatient two year old and realized that our day actually ended up being a perfect representation of who we are and just how far we've come these past five years. No glitz. No glamour. Just a nice dose of our everyday life... together. A life that we love. A life that we built, together. Is there a better gift than that?! I doubt it.
Saturday was a day of busyness for Mike and I. My mom came over bright and early to pick up Liana so that we could get some stuff done before attending our friend's wedding at 4. While Mike stayed home and worked in the yard and around the house, I ran errands and got ready for our evening. At 4pm, we arrived on the campus of GVSU for Dean and Jodi's wedding. They got married outside in the arboretum and while it was ridiculously hot (and humid!) which made it slightly miserable to sit through, I have to say that I've never heard a more beautiful ceremony. Maybe my hormones played a large part in the way I was feeling, but as I listened to the words being spoken, I found myself holding back tears. Following the ceremony we all headed downtown for the reception at The B.O.B. I definitely felt like the "old lady" of the group and Mike and I joked around all night about how I always seem to be pregnant at weddings. I have to say that it's not much fun watching everyone drink and let go of their inhibitions a little for one night while I sit there and feel as awkward as ever, but I made do. By the end of the night, I even made it onto the dance floor. We got to see and spend time with a lot of our old GVSU friends which made Mike's day/week/month/summer. I love seeing him so happy. While we thought about staying out even later, we made our way home and climbed into our bed around 12:30. It was a good thing, too, because Sunday was no day of rest for us. :)
Sunday morning, we actually slept in (this is unheard of for me, even when Liana's not home!). My mom brought Liana home around 11 which was just in time for nap. As she slept, Mike and I continued on with our long to-do list and when she woke up, we headed over to Aunt Barb & Uncle Mark's for a Kadzban Family Pool Party. I was disappointed that more people didn't come but I was still happy with those who did. Our cousins, Laura & Matt, are also expecting a baby and are due at the end of November so it was really nice to be able to catch up and hear that she's been feeling kicks too. Liana didn't enjoy the pool too much, however. While I got her to go in with me soon after we arrived, she was more than slightly traumatized when people started jumping off the diving board. So the rest of the time we tried to "ease" her into going back in with only a small amount of success. My peanut is certainly not a waterbug this year, that's for sure.
Monday was the day we had all been waiting for.... I love the 4th of July almost as much as I love Christmas & Thanksgiving. We made our way into Grandville to see the parade and Liana did GREAT! We had front row seats (not thanks to the hundreds of adults who for some reason feel THEY need a front row seat instead of my two year old... don't even get me started on this subject) thanks to a kind couple who had saved too much space for their family. Despite the fire truck sirens and loud horns blaring, she took it all in stride without a single tear. We ventured into the craft show after the parade had finished but soon realized it was getting late and Liana needed her nap. So we headed back out, but not before we ran into a few old friends & classmates first. :)
We headed back to my parents house for the afternoon to have lunch, let Liana nap, and float in the pool. We ended up staying there the entire day until we went back into Grandville to watch the fireworks. By this point, Liana had been ready for bed for a while so I knew we were pushing it. We decided to watch them from the parking lot at Rivertown Crossings because I was nervous that the bright lights and loud booms would scare her and if you know Grandville, you know it's no easy task to get out of there quickly on the night of the 4th. While the thought was a good one, I wouldn't go back to watch the fireworks there again.... they were surprisingly too far away to get the full experience. Liana lost interest really quickly and the minute they were done, we were out of there.
Finally, Tuesday was our final day off together. We took Liana to Millenium Park hoping that the Splash Pad would be enticing to her. It wasn't. After MUCH effort on our part, Mike and I realized it was a lost cause and left only 2 hours after arriving.
While all the activities of our vacation didn't quite turn out as we had hoped, I loved every.single.moment of our five days together. I loved being with my husband without a single interruption (ie... hockey or work). I loved that we got stuff done AND we got to do the fun stuff we've been wanting to do for so long now. I loved the memories made and how happy Liana was to have both her Mommy and Daddy with her for nearly five days straight.
I just loved it.
Since then, Mike and I have both gone back to work and back to reality. I have to say, I'm not always such a big fan! For the next three weeks, Mike is gone 3 nights a week (Mon, Tues, Thurs) for hockey which essentially means I'm on my own with our little one all 3 of those days. I've also scheduled my on-call hours for 2 of those Wed nights which realistically means I won't see him 4 nights in a row during those weeks. The reason he's gone 3 nights rather than his usual 1 night is because he's coaching summer camp so come August, we'll have him mostly to ourselves again.... forever. The head coach decided in June that he's not coming back in the fall which also means Mike and the other asst coaches aren't coming back either. While I'm sad that we won't have that extra bit of income each year, I'm elated at the fact that I'll have my husband all to myself each night, just when I need him the most.
I have to believe this was another way of God intervening and showing us what was best for ourselves when we didn't know ourselves.
So aside from all of that, we've had plenty of projects going on around our house in preparation for this new baby. Liana's "big girl" bedroom furniture was ordered last week and should be arriving this week or next. As a result, we've moved the guest bedroom from the room it's been in for the past three years to our other bedroom. I've been in decorating mode and I'm hoping that we'll paint her new room this weekend. While these kinds of transitions make me excited, they also provide me with a whole lot of anxiety. I'm not usually very good with change and I often find myself not ready for this one, even though it's stemming from something so wonderful. Part of the reason I'm not so good with change is because I'm terrible at making "big" decisions.... it took me 2 weeks to finally decide which bedroom suite to buy her! (Mike doesn't help this process, either, as unlike most men, mine is quite opinionated!) I research everything like crazy and have this deep need to "shop around" in order to save money wherever we can. While it always ends up benefiting us, it stresses me out in the process. Do you know how hard it is to "shop around" when you have a 2 year old in tow? Seriously!
My hope is that we'll transition her into her "big girl" bedroom sometime this month. I don't want to push her too quickly because if she's anything like me, she'll revolt against a "forced change". So we'll let her do it at her own pace and see how things go. I just pray that being in a "big girl" bed doesn't change her sleeping habits too much... this mama needs her sleep now more than ever!
Mike and I have also been toying with the idea of trying to potty train her this summer still. Again, this causes me great anxiety. First, I feel like she could be ready, but I don't want to push her because then she'll revolt. Second, I worry that she'll regress, as I've heard many kids do, once her little brother comes along. Third, even though she can tell me after she goes potty and poo-poo, she rarely tells me before so I'm not sure that we're quite there yet. Part of my struggle is knowing that either we do it now or we have to wait another 6 months. There's no way I'm going to try and potty train right before the baby comes along... that's just asking for trouble. And there's no way I'm going to potty train with a newborn in the house.... I've heard that's self-induced torture. So should this not happen soon, I can only assume that we'd have to wait until January to take that next step into the world of being a big girl. I'm not happy about having her being almost three before she's trained, but I suppose this is just one more thing out of my control. Heck, who knows, maybe she'll surprise us all somewhere in the middle. :)
There are so many changes going on right now in the Kadzban house. While I'm completely overjoyed with the reality of all of them, like I said, they also cause me some anxiety. But this is the path on which we've been set. This is the path in which God has chosen for us. Ultimately, I'm more than okay with that.
Finally, I'll update you on our little guy.
Who blows me away everyday.
Liana wasn't a terribly active baby. I felt her move a lot at night but rarely during the day. This little boy moves all.the.time!!!! Between my visits for work, I sit with one hand on the steering wheel and one hand on my belly. I feel kicks, jabs, and pokes all day and right up until bed time. Only once has he woken me out of my sleep with his movements... but considering I'm only 23 weeks and I never experienced that with Liana, I'm a bit nervous for everything that's still to come. I just keep reminding myself that I better enjoy this stage while it lasts because those last 12 weeks could be incredibly brutal as I start to feel like a beached whale who's getting beaten up from the inside out. ;)
Okay, well I think I'll wrap up my update there... for now. There's still a million things I want to say but there's also a million other things I need to be doing right now.
I'll leave you with a few pictures of our last few weeks. :)
6.27.11 - 21 weeks!
7.2.11 - 22 Weeks! @ Dean & Jodi's Wedding.
7.4.11 - Daddy and Liana at the 4th of July Parade! The way she looks at him makes me melt....
My family of (almost) four. :)
Too cute not to share.
Mike and Liana at Millenium Park.... NOT enjoying the water. ;)
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
It's a boy!!!!
So, last week (heck.... every week...) was a little bit crazy busy, so I never got a chance to write about our ultrasound on Monday. So, here it goes.
As I said in this past post, I kind of thought we were having a boy. However, I had a lot of doubt behind that feeling because I've never really felt "built" to have a boy. Let me explain.
I grew up with one sister. The only cousins we had, though three boys, all lived a minimum of three hours away. I think that because my parents had two girls, I always assumed that Mike and I would have two little girls, too. I'm a creature of comfort, what can I say? So boys are really pretty foreign to me. I'm not sure how to interact with little guys because I'm more of the "touchy feel-y" type mom than the "rough and tumble" type mom. (Yes, I'm stereotyping, I know.)
Throughout this pregnancy, I've often wondered if my feelings of detachment were linked more to the miscarriage, or to whether it had more to do with the gender. Now, after finding out our baby's gender, I know that it had everything to do with the miscarriage and very little to do with the gender because, well, I'm ECSTATIC to be having a boy.
Don't get me wrong, there's a little bit of disappointment in not knowing that Liana will get a sister at some point. My sister is one of my best friends and I've so desperately wanted Liana to have that kind of sisterhood, too. Also, the practical side of me worries that ALL Liana's stuff won't get used twice.... I look around at all the "girly" things we have in this house and I wonder if it'll ever serve a purpose again.
But if it doesn't, that was God's plan. (And yes, I know there are plenty of friends I can share these things with. When we're done having kids, I will certainly be doing that.) If there's one thing I've learned from the past year it's that I have very little control over this life I call my own and I'm definitely more accepting of that now than I was at this time last year.
So on Monday, the moment our ultrasonagrapher asked the question, "Do you want to know?" and I, without even letting her finish the question, blurted out "YES!", my heart felt an anticipation that was unrivaled. For in that moment, I was finding out (almost) exactly what this family of ours was going to look like.... something I've wondered about for as long as I can remember.
And when she pointed to that little speck on the screen that so clearly screamed "IT'S A BOY!", I was lovestruck. I looked over at Mike and the smile on his face said it all. Never have I been so sure of the fact that in that moment, he couldn't have been happier. Tears welled within my eyes.
Even better, everything else on that ultrasound screen looked good, too. A heart with four beating chambers. A perfectly formed spine and brain. Two hands, two feet. One very perfect little profile.
What a happy mama that made me. What a wave of relief it brought over me.
Our appointment wasn't long, but it was just long enough that by the time we got back to the car, I had more than a couple of people impatiently reminding me via text messages that they were waiting for our big news. So, the news spread.... quickly. As we drove out of the parking lot, Mike and I just looked at each other with shock written all over our faces. For me, it was the shock of, "I'm really having a boy? I'm really having a boy. Wow." For him it was the shock of, "I'M REALLY HAVING A BOY?! OH MY GOSH, I'M REALLY HAVING A BOY!" (See the differences there?!)
The rest of the day, it slowly started to sink in. The next day, the shock began to wear off and the excitement began to brew. Not only was I excited for everything a little boy would hold for me but I was even more excited about everything a little boy would hold for Mike. A son to play hockey with? And coach? To take golfing on Father's Day or to play baseball with in the summer? Someone who might actually go fishing with him? It's all so, so wonderful.
I got my girl....someone to go shopping with. Watch girly movies with. Plan a wedding for. I get to watch my daughter carry her babies and I'll get to shower those babies with love someday and hopefully be as involved as she'll let me. Because us girls, we have those special bonds with our mothers. And I just don't think I could've done without that.
And now Mike's getting his boy.... someone to play sports with. Watch hockey games with. Give advice to. And do all the other stuff that dads do with their sons.
A week later I feel like the news has fully sunk in. While I'm still a bit nervous at times, I'm more excited, more joyful and more thrilled than anything. Now the planning begins and I'm already in the depths of shopping for a sweet little boy. We've got a lot of preparing to do this summer before we hope to meet him come the end of October.
We hope to have Liana transitioning out of the nursery by the end of next month. So, the hunt for her "big girl" bedroom is on.
Speaking of Liana..... my sweet little pea who thought we were so surely having a "baby girl" when given the choice between "Does Mama have a baby boy or a baby girl in her belly?"..... well she's quickly adapted to the idea of having a baby brother. Her new thing is to pull up my shirt to check out my belly button and say, "Mama's got a baby brother in her belly. Can we see him?" I keep telling her that in just a few months, we'll all be face to face with this new addition of ours. While I know she's adjusting well to the thought of a new brother, I know it won't be that easy when she actually has to adjust to the presence of one. But like everything, we'll try to take it in stride because I know our two peanuts will end up loving each other regardless. They have to, right?! ;)
So, mom's of little boys, don't hesitate to share with me all the reasons you LOVED having a little boy. Because while I've heard a few such reasons, it never hurts to hear more and it gets me even more excited for what's to come. <3
As I said in this past post, I kind of thought we were having a boy. However, I had a lot of doubt behind that feeling because I've never really felt "built" to have a boy. Let me explain.
I grew up with one sister. The only cousins we had, though three boys, all lived a minimum of three hours away. I think that because my parents had two girls, I always assumed that Mike and I would have two little girls, too. I'm a creature of comfort, what can I say? So boys are really pretty foreign to me. I'm not sure how to interact with little guys because I'm more of the "touchy feel-y" type mom than the "rough and tumble" type mom. (Yes, I'm stereotyping, I know.)
Throughout this pregnancy, I've often wondered if my feelings of detachment were linked more to the miscarriage, or to whether it had more to do with the gender. Now, after finding out our baby's gender, I know that it had everything to do with the miscarriage and very little to do with the gender because, well, I'm ECSTATIC to be having a boy.
Don't get me wrong, there's a little bit of disappointment in not knowing that Liana will get a sister at some point. My sister is one of my best friends and I've so desperately wanted Liana to have that kind of sisterhood, too. Also, the practical side of me worries that ALL Liana's stuff won't get used twice.... I look around at all the "girly" things we have in this house and I wonder if it'll ever serve a purpose again.
But if it doesn't, that was God's plan. (And yes, I know there are plenty of friends I can share these things with. When we're done having kids, I will certainly be doing that.) If there's one thing I've learned from the past year it's that I have very little control over this life I call my own and I'm definitely more accepting of that now than I was at this time last year.
So on Monday, the moment our ultrasonagrapher asked the question, "Do you want to know?" and I, without even letting her finish the question, blurted out "YES!", my heart felt an anticipation that was unrivaled. For in that moment, I was finding out (almost) exactly what this family of ours was going to look like.... something I've wondered about for as long as I can remember.
And when she pointed to that little speck on the screen that so clearly screamed "IT'S A BOY!", I was lovestruck. I looked over at Mike and the smile on his face said it all. Never have I been so sure of the fact that in that moment, he couldn't have been happier. Tears welled within my eyes.
 |
| Our little guy... the profile shot. |
 |
| Looking almost straight on at his face. |
 |
| Another profile shot. |
Our appointment wasn't long, but it was just long enough that by the time we got back to the car, I had more than a couple of people impatiently reminding me via text messages that they were waiting for our big news. So, the news spread.... quickly. As we drove out of the parking lot, Mike and I just looked at each other with shock written all over our faces. For me, it was the shock of, "I'm really having a boy? I'm really having a boy. Wow." For him it was the shock of, "I'M REALLY HAVING A BOY?! OH MY GOSH, I'M REALLY HAVING A BOY!" (See the differences there?!)
The rest of the day, it slowly started to sink in. The next day, the shock began to wear off and the excitement began to brew. Not only was I excited for everything a little boy would hold for me but I was even more excited about everything a little boy would hold for Mike. A son to play hockey with? And coach? To take golfing on Father's Day or to play baseball with in the summer? Someone who might actually go fishing with him? It's all so, so wonderful.
I got my girl....someone to go shopping with. Watch girly movies with. Plan a wedding for. I get to watch my daughter carry her babies and I'll get to shower those babies with love someday and hopefully be as involved as she'll let me. Because us girls, we have those special bonds with our mothers. And I just don't think I could've done without that.
And now Mike's getting his boy.... someone to play sports with. Watch hockey games with. Give advice to. And do all the other stuff that dads do with their sons.
A week later I feel like the news has fully sunk in. While I'm still a bit nervous at times, I'm more excited, more joyful and more thrilled than anything. Now the planning begins and I'm already in the depths of shopping for a sweet little boy. We've got a lot of preparing to do this summer before we hope to meet him come the end of October.
We hope to have Liana transitioning out of the nursery by the end of next month. So, the hunt for her "big girl" bedroom is on.
Speaking of Liana..... my sweet little pea who thought we were so surely having a "baby girl" when given the choice between "Does Mama have a baby boy or a baby girl in her belly?"..... well she's quickly adapted to the idea of having a baby brother. Her new thing is to pull up my shirt to check out my belly button and say, "Mama's got a baby brother in her belly. Can we see him?" I keep telling her that in just a few months, we'll all be face to face with this new addition of ours. While I know she's adjusting well to the thought of a new brother, I know it won't be that easy when she actually has to adjust to the presence of one. But like everything, we'll try to take it in stride because I know our two peanuts will end up loving each other regardless. They have to, right?! ;)
So, mom's of little boys, don't hesitate to share with me all the reasons you LOVED having a little boy. Because while I've heard a few such reasons, it never hurts to hear more and it gets me even more excited for what's to come. <3
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Anticipation.
Four more sleeps. Three more days. One more work day. 87 more hours. 5,220 minutes.
Until Monday at 2pm arrives. Our "big day".... the day we find out if this baby is a) healthy, and b) a sweet little boy or girl.
The anticipation is killing me.
Back in November 2008, I was almost this excited to find out whether my "motherly intuition" was right and whether Liana was in fact a little girl like I thought or whether we were having a boy. (Kind of crazy sidenote.... I just realized that we had that ultrasound for Liana on November 3rd. The same date this baby of ours is due. Insert heart swoon here. <3) But this time around, I'm anticipating this ultrasound even more for a few different reasons. First, my "motherly intuition" isn't nearly as certain as it was the last time I did this so I'm just desperate to know. For the first 12 weeks of this pregnancy, I kind of felt we were having a girl. Now, I kind of feel like we're having a boy. (Note the "kind of's" to those sentences.) Either way, I'll be thrilled. Honestly. Second, I'm anticipating this ultrasound even more than Liana's because with Liana's, I was naive. I didn't realize that I might go into that room and come out with anything other than good news. I didn't realize how much joy AND pain had been felt within those four walls. So, I'm desperate for two things: to know whether our munchkin has one Y chromosome or two X's and to hear those sweet, sweet words that so far, everything looks just as it should.
I plan on sharing the results of our visit sometime Monday evening. So don't be alarmed if you don't hear anything from me within those first few hours. :)
Thankfully, we've got a lot of busyness leading up to our "big day". I'm working tomorrow and on call both tomorrow and Sunday nights which always leaves me feeling a little anxious. (There's something about knowing that your pager could go off at 11 pm, or 3 am, or both, that leaves me on edge. Can you blame me?) Thankfully, I ended up getting my on-call night for Saturday off (thank you Brenda! You're my savior!) so that I can attend our 10 year high school reunion without having to worry that the $20 ticket I purchased will go to waste when my pager goes off and I have to leave for work. While I think it'll be nice to catch up with some of the people I graduated high school with another part of me feels that facebook has ruined the whole concept of having a reunion in the first place. I love facebook, but I already feel like I know everything about most of the people I'll be seeing there! As a result, Mike and I had an incredibly difficult time deciding if we even wanted to attend and I'm still on the line about the whole thing. Hopefully if nothing else, it'll turn into a nice evening out for Mike and I. Can't complain about that, right?!
Today marked 19 weeks that this little bun of ours has been cooking. While those first 12 weeks seemed to creep by, these last seven have flown. I can't believe we're so close to finding out and that we're already halfway to meeting this new little bundle of joy. This pregnancy has been SO different than my pregnancy with Liana.... and no, that's not why I think we're having a boy because I know people who've had all girls/boys and had each of their pregnancies be TOTALLY different. While I don't feel any bigger this time around than I did with Liana (well, there are moments when I feel like a whale already, but overall it feels the same), I definitely look different. It's amazing how your body changes after the first baby and how the second time that belly takes shape, it doesn't feel as "cute" as it did the first time.
I've been waiting anxiously for about 2 weeks to start feeling little pokes and kicks and this past Sunday, at 18 weeks 4 days, I felt those first kicks. It was amazing. There were a few of them right in a row and then again later that night. Since then, I haven't felt any kicks but I have felt some movement. Nothing is more reassuring to this heart of mine than to feel this little one moving around inside me. It's God's way of telling me, "See? Everything's okay. Stop worrying all the time." I'm trying, really, I am.
Life feels good right now. Lots of joy. Lots of exhaustion (the good kind that can only mean this baby is growing!). Lots of love. Lots of excitement. Lots of contentment. Lots of peace in this heart of mine which is something I've been waiting a while for.
So stay tuned. For what I hope and pray is only more good news to come.
Until Monday at 2pm arrives. Our "big day".... the day we find out if this baby is a) healthy, and b) a sweet little boy or girl.
The anticipation is killing me.
Back in November 2008, I was almost this excited to find out whether my "motherly intuition" was right and whether Liana was in fact a little girl like I thought or whether we were having a boy. (Kind of crazy sidenote.... I just realized that we had that ultrasound for Liana on November 3rd. The same date this baby of ours is due. Insert heart swoon here. <3) But this time around, I'm anticipating this ultrasound even more for a few different reasons. First, my "motherly intuition" isn't nearly as certain as it was the last time I did this so I'm just desperate to know. For the first 12 weeks of this pregnancy, I kind of felt we were having a girl. Now, I kind of feel like we're having a boy. (Note the "kind of's" to those sentences.) Either way, I'll be thrilled. Honestly. Second, I'm anticipating this ultrasound even more than Liana's because with Liana's, I was naive. I didn't realize that I might go into that room and come out with anything other than good news. I didn't realize how much joy AND pain had been felt within those four walls. So, I'm desperate for two things: to know whether our munchkin has one Y chromosome or two X's and to hear those sweet, sweet words that so far, everything looks just as it should.
I plan on sharing the results of our visit sometime Monday evening. So don't be alarmed if you don't hear anything from me within those first few hours. :)
Thankfully, we've got a lot of busyness leading up to our "big day". I'm working tomorrow and on call both tomorrow and Sunday nights which always leaves me feeling a little anxious. (There's something about knowing that your pager could go off at 11 pm, or 3 am, or both, that leaves me on edge. Can you blame me?) Thankfully, I ended up getting my on-call night for Saturday off (thank you Brenda! You're my savior!) so that I can attend our 10 year high school reunion without having to worry that the $20 ticket I purchased will go to waste when my pager goes off and I have to leave for work. While I think it'll be nice to catch up with some of the people I graduated high school with another part of me feels that facebook has ruined the whole concept of having a reunion in the first place. I love facebook, but I already feel like I know everything about most of the people I'll be seeing there! As a result, Mike and I had an incredibly difficult time deciding if we even wanted to attend and I'm still on the line about the whole thing. Hopefully if nothing else, it'll turn into a nice evening out for Mike and I. Can't complain about that, right?!
Today marked 19 weeks that this little bun of ours has been cooking. While those first 12 weeks seemed to creep by, these last seven have flown. I can't believe we're so close to finding out and that we're already halfway to meeting this new little bundle of joy. This pregnancy has been SO different than my pregnancy with Liana.... and no, that's not why I think we're having a boy because I know people who've had all girls/boys and had each of their pregnancies be TOTALLY different. While I don't feel any bigger this time around than I did with Liana (well, there are moments when I feel like a whale already, but overall it feels the same), I definitely look different. It's amazing how your body changes after the first baby and how the second time that belly takes shape, it doesn't feel as "cute" as it did the first time.
I've been waiting anxiously for about 2 weeks to start feeling little pokes and kicks and this past Sunday, at 18 weeks 4 days, I felt those first kicks. It was amazing. There were a few of them right in a row and then again later that night. Since then, I haven't felt any kicks but I have felt some movement. Nothing is more reassuring to this heart of mine than to feel this little one moving around inside me. It's God's way of telling me, "See? Everything's okay. Stop worrying all the time." I'm trying, really, I am.
Life feels good right now. Lots of joy. Lots of exhaustion (the good kind that can only mean this baby is growing!). Lots of love. Lots of excitement. Lots of contentment. Lots of peace in this heart of mine which is something I've been waiting a while for.
So stay tuned. For what I hope and pray is only more good news to come.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
The news is out....
So, after weeks of anticipation, anxiety, fear and excitement, our news is finally out....
We're 12.5 weeks pregnant!
This pregnancy has been as just a big of a part of my "rollercoaster" as my miscarriage was. Because in all reality, they're just two different moments of the same ride. It's cause and effect, my friends.
It took me 4 months to finally feel like I was ready to let my guard down again. On February 23rd, when that pregnancy test turned positive, I realized my guard was still up. And it's stayed up. I thought my heart would be ready for nothing other than excitement but honestly, I've felt more fear than anything. Fear that something would go wrong again. Fear that my heart would hurt like that again. Fear that I'd attach and then lose the very being that I was so deeply & intrinsically attached to.
Only in the past few days, since going to our 12 week appointment and hearing the heartbeat again, have I felt a wave of relief. I'm still guarded and still hesitant but with each passing day, I'm less fearful. More hopeful. More excited.
Dr. LaGrand has been wonderful throughout these past 9 weeks since we found out. The night before my licensing test I started spotting again, just as I had before the miscarriage. I called him out of pure desperation for words that would redeem my heart and while he couldn't give them to me that night, I saw our baby's flickering heartbeat the next day on that ultrasound screen. I was only 6 weeks along at the time... I didn't even think it was possible to see a heartbeat at 6 weeks, but God made it happen for me that day. He knew how badly I needed it and He was there. I have never felt such relief in my life - nor such gratitude. Since then, I've had three ultrasounds. I know Dr. LaGrand did them simply to reassure a scared mama and for that I'll be forever appreciative.
I still grieve the loss of our last baby. I still wonder why. But now, I just put my faith into God and trust that it was all for a greater reason.
Mike and I have new hope for our future now. We are due November 3rd and I'm so ready to see what God's big plan for our family was and what this little person will be like.
We're 12.5 weeks pregnant!
This pregnancy has been as just a big of a part of my "rollercoaster" as my miscarriage was. Because in all reality, they're just two different moments of the same ride. It's cause and effect, my friends.
It took me 4 months to finally feel like I was ready to let my guard down again. On February 23rd, when that pregnancy test turned positive, I realized my guard was still up. And it's stayed up. I thought my heart would be ready for nothing other than excitement but honestly, I've felt more fear than anything. Fear that something would go wrong again. Fear that my heart would hurt like that again. Fear that I'd attach and then lose the very being that I was so deeply & intrinsically attached to.
Only in the past few days, since going to our 12 week appointment and hearing the heartbeat again, have I felt a wave of relief. I'm still guarded and still hesitant but with each passing day, I'm less fearful. More hopeful. More excited.
Dr. LaGrand has been wonderful throughout these past 9 weeks since we found out. The night before my licensing test I started spotting again, just as I had before the miscarriage. I called him out of pure desperation for words that would redeem my heart and while he couldn't give them to me that night, I saw our baby's flickering heartbeat the next day on that ultrasound screen. I was only 6 weeks along at the time... I didn't even think it was possible to see a heartbeat at 6 weeks, but God made it happen for me that day. He knew how badly I needed it and He was there. I have never felt such relief in my life - nor such gratitude. Since then, I've had three ultrasounds. I know Dr. LaGrand did them simply to reassure a scared mama and for that I'll be forever appreciative.
I still grieve the loss of our last baby. I still wonder why. But now, I just put my faith into God and trust that it was all for a greater reason.
Mike and I have new hope for our future now. We are due November 3rd and I'm so ready to see what God's big plan for our family was and what this little person will be like.
Two different tests... one positive result.
Our 9 week ultrasound on March 31st!
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