So I realized a few weeks back that most of my posts reflect how wonderful and rewarding motherhood can be. Granted, motherhood is wonderful and rewarding and there's never been a moment where I've had regrets about jumping into this "life sentence". But, motherhood is more than just these things.... it's hard. It's exhausting. And at times, it makes you want to rip your hair out.
So to keep things real, a post on the "other" side of all things wonderful. Enjoy. :)
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Motherhood is:
Letting go of the body you used to nitpick but now long for. With a new baby comes stretch marks, flabby skin, a less perky chest and the risk that if you laugh too hard or wait too long, you might just pee a little in your pants.
Exhaustion like you've never imagined. Before Lukas came along, I used to look back on how Liana slept as a baby (up once a night, every night, until she was 10 months old) and say, "Oh, that wasn't really so bad. I could do it again." And while I thought I was tired then, it pales in comparison to my second go-around. Being up 2-3 times a night, every night (if not more!), is debilitating. Your mind becomes foggy. Your body gets mad at you. You dread the nighttime hours but day after day, they come back much to your dismay. Sure, you muster through but not without a little bit of resentment. Every time I hear the faint squeals through the monitor that alert me to the fact that one of our kids is no longer sleeping, I curse quietly into my pillow. I long for the day when I'm able to sleep 8 hours again without being woken up. My guess is, that may not happen for another 16 years or so.
The reality that your needs now come dead last. My kids are dressed to the nines while I wear the same shirts week after week that I've owned for the past three years. My headache doesn't trump their need for lunch just as my desperate need for a nap doesn't trump their desire to play. There are nights that I would kill to just cuddle up on the couch and lose myself in whatever is on tv but instead, I'm cooking, cleaning, and taking care of my family. On the occasion that I get some "me" time, I still have a laundry list of "to-do's" that scream for my attention. And yes, there are days when a shower doesn't happen until 3:30pm... but yet my kids are clean and dressed. Go figure.
Having three "sets" of clothing.... one that's non/pre-pregnancy, one that's maternity, and one that's post-pregnancy. My husband yells at me because I have three times as much clothing as he does but he doesn't understand that I can only wear a third of it at a time.
Losing every ounce of privacy you ever had. Showers often include little heads poking in to see whats actually happening behind that curtain and going to the bathroom becomes a spectator sport. I'm not sure why my child is so fascinated by what goes in the toilet, but she is.
Knowing that your heart is walking around outside of your body, every single moment of every single day, and subject to all kinds of harm. From the moment Liana was born, I've become keenly aware of all the "what if's" life has to offer. What if one of them gets kidnapped? What if one of them gets cancer? What if my baby isn't healthy? What if I don't make the right choice for them? It's an overwhelming responsibility at times that I am responsible for this child's life and everything that can/will/might happen to them. That I am responsible for making them into a good, caring, kind person. That I need to teach them so many important lessons about life and I often have no idea where to start or how to do that.
Loving someone so much that you open yourself up for a pain and fear you never expected. The mere thought of something happening to one of my children brings me to my knees. Every time I pray, I pray that they are kept safe and healthy. I can't imagine what might happen to me if something happened to one of them.... their existence leaves me feeling vulnerable and out of control. It's terrifying.
Rampant with feelings of guilt. Most of us refer to this as "mommy guilt". The minute I do anything for myself, I feel guilty. If I go somewhere without them, my mind becomes cluttered with thoughts such as "I wonder if they're okay? Do they miss me? Are they wondering where I went and why I left them?" And God forbid I actually enjoy this time to myself because when I do, the mommy guilt just becomes stronger. It's a never-ending cycle and brutal beyond all expectations. As a result, only other mommies can truly relate to this phenomenon.
Pressure. Lots and lots of pressure. From feeding them the "right" food to getting on a "good" schedule to teaching them how to be nice to others, I'm held accountable for their experiences in life. Moms tend to compare themselves and how they do things to other moms and only a well-seasoned mom has learned the ineffectiveness of this. I have yet to become "well seasoned".
Getting down and dirty. I've been peed on, pooped on, and puked on more times than I can count. I've also been hit, kicked, and sassed. I'm still waiting for the day when someone says, "Mean mommy!" or the dreaded, "I hate you!". So much to look forward to right?!
Losing all sense of a social life and for the most part, being okay with that. (FYI....Not all mom's experience this one.) Mommy guilt plagues me just as much as exhaustion does, so if given the choice of going out with friends or staying home with my kids and going to bed at 10, I'll almost always choose the latter. My friendships have changed drastically since becoming a mom. The kind of outings I look forward to now include hanging out with friends who also have kids and going places as a family. I'm no longer able to make plans on a whim and go out at the drop of a hat. As a result, my phone rings a LOT less often (ie... never) than it once did. I feel terribly out of place when in a room full of other non-parents as my everyday life is so incredibly different than theirs. I feel like they think of me as "dull and boring" (which I probably am) and as a result, we have a hard time relating like we once could.
Full of trials and necessary patience. A sassy three year old really wears a mama down, just as a teething five month old does. When I'm putting Liana back in her bed for the 4th time in a row and I just want to scream "For God's sake, go to sleep!", I am forced to bite my lip and keep it cool. When your baby starts crying and you're only halfway through your shopping trip, it's time to figure out how to buy yourself 30 more minutes or just pack it up and go.
Decisions that are no longer made for yourself, but made for your kids. This is how I ended up driving a mini van when I once swore I never would. And why my life virtually stops between the hours of 12p-3p (naptime) and 7p-8a (bedtime).
About watching your marriage transform. In some ways, this transformation is wonderful (if you're lucky enough to have a supportive spouse who loves/adores your children... thankfully I do). In other ways, it's not so wonderful. You disagree over little things, like when your kids should take their daily nap; to bigger things, like whether or not to punish them when they misbehave (and how to do so). Children place stress on a marriage and you often lose sight of the couple you once were. Your days are now rushed and hurried, trying to keep all of the balls life has handed you up in the air, and it often feels like you're two ships passing in the night. The reality is that life is no longer centered around the two of you... it's now centered around your kids. Meeting their needs before your own. Once a baby comes into the picture, your priorities change and suddenly your marriage looks drastically different than it once did.
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All in all, motherhood is wonderful and rewarding but it is also full of sacrifices. It changes every part of your existence... some for the better, some for the worse. Your life is no longer about you, it's about your children. There's no longer any room for selfishness because someone else is depending on you for their every need.
The day I became a mother, I lost a lot of who I once was and while that hasn't always been easy, I have to say that I'm happy with who I've become. Motherhood is hard, no questions about it. In fact, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. But it's been worth every single tear and every single struggle and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
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