The sweet spot.

Finally.

After 20 months of chaos and feeling like I was just barely keeping my head above the water most days when it came to being a mom, I've hit "the sweet spot."

I read this article last night and while I'm not quite to that sweet spot yet, I've hit a different one of my own.

Lukas is finally and consistently sleeping through the night. Halleleujah, it's about damn time! I forgot how wonderful it is to go to bed each night and sleep straight through the night.

He's finally communicating with us. He can respond appropriately to yes or no answers and ask for things that fulfill his basic needs. I feel like I finally understand how to meet his needs which has made him much happier an in turn, me much happier as well.

He's finally done teething. Even his two year molars are through. No more wiping snotty noses constantly and trying to soothe a fussy, whiny little boy. No more around the clock Tylenol and/or Motrin.

Best of all, my kids finally love each other!

Now granted, they've always loved each other. We would have moments in which we'd find them treating each other with that love but those moments were usually fleeting and sometimes, few and far between.

But now, they play together. They sit next to each other on the couch, even though there's a whole lot of empty space around them on which they could also sit. I find them having a dance party in Liana's room, smiling and giggling and genuinely enjoying each other's company. Liana loves to pick up her little brother and give him giant bear hugs or help him see things that are just a bit too high for him to see otherwise. They miss each other when they're apart and run to each other when they're reunited. They both love to read books and now they love to read them together and if Liana had it her way, Lukas would be sitting on her lap instead of on mine.

They love each other.

And it's the best thing ever.

I can finally get other stuff done around the house because they play. Together. Without fighting. (Most of the time at least).

I feel a bit more confident in running errands with both kids. Lukas still hates to sit in the cart but at least he'll stay a bit closer to me.

And Liana is now just old enough to help me keep my eyes on him. If he runs away in the store, she runs after him and tackles him to the ground until I can catch up to them. I can run upstairs to take a quick shower or get ready and leave them downstairs together because I know she'll rat him out if he starts to get into trouble. She looks out for her brother and helps to take care of him... something I'm not only proud of her for but appreciative of.

All of this added together means just one thing... we're here. We made it. We've hit that "sweet spot". The one where life with my kids finally feels a lot less crazy and a lot more fun. The one where I want to eat them up because they're so damn cute and I love spending time with them.

Right now, I'm thankful that my little boy is 21 months old (today!!). I loved him as a baby but I love him even more as a toddler. I love that the hardest days as a family of four are behind us... at least for a while. I'm sure we'll have plenty of other rocky spots as we grow but for now, I'm just thankful for where we are.

So, so thankful.

The number FOUR.

Four years ago this morning, at 7:52 am, my daughter will officially have left her "3's" behind and will be welcoming in her "4's".

Tonight when Mike and I tucked her into bed last night and reminded her that when she wakes up she'll be four, she beamed from ear to ear.

"You mean, it'll be my birthday when I wake up?!"

Sure will, sweet girl. Sure will. Birthdays have a whole new level of excitement attached to them now that we're moving into our fifth year of life.

Three has been a tough year on our little girl. Since her third birthday we've experienced more change and heartbreak than some families experience in a lifetime. We sold our home. Moved into a rental. My dad quit his "babysitting gig" of two years and we were forced to find a new daycare, which was an incredibly difficult adjustment for my little girl to make. Her world was rocked when he moved to Rockford after my mom filed for divorce (despite my dad's insistence but unwillingness to do it himself). No longer having Papa across the street or just a few minutes away wasn't easy. Then February rolled around and all hell broke loose. Her mama went missing while trying to care of her Nana which meant many days and many nights apart. She learned that she'd no longer be able to see her Papa, a fact that was impossibly hard and confusing for someone so young to understand.

While Liana grew by leaps and bounds during her three's, she also experienced deep stress and anxiety.

In spite of this, three has also brought a lot of joy to Liana and the rest of our household.

While sassy and defiant at times, she's a wonderful little girl. She teases and picks on her brother like nobody's business, at times borderline harassing and tormenting him, but she loves him deeply too. Her eyes light up and her arms fling outwards for a hug each day she's reunited with him at daycare. And he adores her. She loves to snuggle up close to me and she gives the best hugs and kisses. She's affectionate and loving - always having to say the "proper" goodbye of giving a giant bear hug and a sweet little kiss when we're heading in separate directions for the day.

She's become a master negotiator. She knows just how to get whatever it is that she wants and it's become an art that she's mastered. She can play off of anyone's emotions and even play us against each other in order to get what's desired. Meal times are painful as she is so pokey and so picky about what goes into her mouth. Every night at dinner we have the same "If I eat ___ bites can I be done?" speech. Anytime we go to the store she thinks she's "owed" a toy or a piece of candy... her sense of entitlement is something I'm trying desperately to discourage.

She's making friends left and right at preschool and thriving and flourishing there. Tuesdays are her favorite day because Payton B. is there, whom she is crazy about. Another friend, Luci, waits anxiously for Liana every morning to arrive so that they can color and play together throughout the day. I've been warned by Mrs. Amanda, her teacher, that Liana doesn't always use her "listening ears" when Luci is around because they get so wrapped up in each other that they become lost to the rest of the world around them. Liana shrieks with excitement when she realizes that she gets to go to Preschool the next day (she's currently going on Tuesdays and Thursdays each week) and can hardly wait to go to bed on Monday and Wednesday nights. It brings such happiness to my heart to see her making friends and learning socialization skills in this setting. While the transition into preschool was rough for about 8 weeks, I can now confidently say that this enrollment was the best move we've ever made for our daughter.

She's rational and logical (most of the time) and able to think through different things comprehensively. But she does run short on patience from time to time which usually results in temper flaring and whining.

Liana loves all things girly. Her fingers and toes are almost always painted. Her favorite color has always been purple but now she's added pink into this mix too. She loves braids in her hair which drives me nuts because her hair is incredibly thin and hard to manage. Some days she lives in her "princess dresses", other days she lives in her jammies. She's learned the "art" of dressing herself, which she's quite proud of and is actually very helpful to me. However, I also struggle with this new found independence because when she exercises this freedom, she tends to look a bit mismatched. "But mom, these purple polka dot socks match my orange striped shirt because the white polka dots match the white stripes!" or the "But Mom, this shirt matches these pants because they BOTH have stripes!". She loves to color and play games or sit on my lap and read book after book.

She's become so much more independent in this past year. She often wakes up in the morning, lets me sleep until Lukas wakes up, and helps herself to a morning snack and some television. The other day I asked that she have a "super quiet-quiet time" because my head hurt and I needed to lay down in my bed and relax for a little while while Lukas napped. For two hours, my sweet girl played quietly in the living room while a movie was running and she let me rest in the quiet and solitude of my bedroom.

At four years old, she is now sleeping through the night without wetting the bed. Another milestone met. It took us a while to get there.

She is so sensitive and so shy. I really struggle with this because I was also a shy kid growing up. She often refuses to acknowledge any one, even if its someone she knows or has met before, until hours into a visit with them. If I'm with her (which I always am) during one of these visits, she'll scan the room looking for me, make eye contact, then run to me and bury her face into my legs. Because she's so shy we typically only use the people she's already comfortable with to watch the kids - my mom, my mother in law Deb, my friend/future sister in law Kasey, my sister Brittany or sister in law Rachel, a neighbor girl Cassie or my friends Rachel or Ashley. It may sound like we have a lot of options to choose from at times but the reality is, everyone also has jobs and lives and families of their own too. I often wish I could just take other people up on their offers to watch our kids, especially lately, but I don't for Liana's sake. She struggles enough with this as it is and I don't feel right about throwing even more into her mix.

She loves so fiercely. Each day when I arrive to pick the kids up from daycare, I try and stay quiet so that I can watch her play with her friends for as long as I go unnoticed. Usually, another teacher will see me first and shout out to Liana that I'm here. (I hate it!) The smile that grows across her face as she locks eyes with mine and the way she runs toward me saying "MOMMMMMMY!!!!" usually makes this the best moment of my day. Her arms get thrown around my legs, or my neck, and what follows is another one of those big bear hugs I live for. Her daddy is her knight in shining armor and he knows it. And like I said earlier, she has a love/hate relationship with her brother but with each passing month they celebrate together, I can see her fall in love with him just a little bit more. It might be a slow process but at least it's happening. :)

For her birthday this year, we decided to tone things down a bit more than we usually do. For the first time in her life we didn't invite extended family to her party. We don't have a "theme" but somehow we did manage to come home with some Disney Princess plates because Auntie Brittany insisted our little princess have them. We'll celebrate today just the four of us and then when dinner rolls around we'll share this special day with her three remaining grandparents, four remaining great grandparents, her aunts and uncles and hopefully her almost-cousin.  It's going to be small and it's going to be wonderful.

I'm looking forward to Liana's fours. While I'm sure we'll still experience some hardship this coming year, I'm hopeful that we'll be blessed even more so. She can look back on her life and remember that she moved into her new house when she was four and that she started "4's preschool" when she was four. I'm not sure what other wonderful blessings will come our way this year but whatever they are, we're ready for them.

Happy 4th Birthday, baby girl! You made my life better the moment you were born into this world and I'll be forever grateful to you for it. <3

(And this can't go without saying... as I finished this post it was exactly 7:52 am on March 24th. Perfect.)

From one to two.

Nearly two years ago when I was just a few months pregnant with Lukas, I had a conversation with my friend Linda about what it was like to go from one kid to two. Linda had three kids already by this point and was well-versed on the in's and out's of motherhood so she's a person whose judgment I trust whole-heartedly. (For this as well as many other reasons.) This conversation, despite the fact that it was held over facebook, has stayed with me and as a few of my other friends are currently making (or preparing to make) this transition, I figured I would revisit it.

During our conversation, Linda explained to me that going from one child to two was going to be the hardest jump in the world of parenting. She was absolutely right.

Throughout my pregnancy with Lukas, I was stressed. About everything.

I was stressed about Liana and how she'd transition to being a big sister. I was stressed about getting the house ready for another baby. I was stressed about our finances. I was stressed about my recent miscarriage and the rollercoaster of emotions I was experiencing regarding that and now a healthy pregnancy. I was stressed about potty training. I was stressed about work. I was stressed about feeling tired during the first trimester.... and the second... and then third... all while balancing the needs of my family and my job. I was stressed about feeling huge and carrying the baby super low all the way through the pregnancy and how uncomfortable this all made me. I was stressed about what was going to happen to my body as I knew from the get-go that I was likely going to have to have a c-section. I was stressed about the constant heartburn that was so much worse the second time around. I was even stressed about stressing my baby out. You name it, I was stressed about it.

When Lukas was born, I realized the stress had only just begun.

It would have been a hard transition with an easy-going baby. But with a more difficult baby? It felt impossible.

I felt like I was never enough to both of my kids. The first two weeks after Lukas and I came home from the hospital, I had help. Mike had taken the first week off from work and my mom had taken the second. Seeing as I was recovering from my c-section, this was a necessity as I struggled to get around a bit (especially the first week... I'm still impressed at how quickly I healed and how well I began to feel that second week) and needed all the help I could get. The last day I had help close by, I remember feelings of sheer panic while thinking of the reality that the very next day I'd be having to do this all by myself. Meeting Lukas's needs AND Liana's needs all at the same time? Was it even possible?

It was. But not without some sacrifices on everyone's part.

I felt like a terrible mom to Liana for the next three weeks. Here she was, two and a half years old, and she was thrown into this new life she never asked for. (Of course I knew that this would only help her grow and that if she was old enough to make an educated decision, she'd likely choose to endure this transition if it meant she got to have a younger sibling. But at two and a half, she didn't know that.) For the first time in her life, she had to wait for the things she wanted and her needs didn't always come first anymore. She learned how to do a lot of things for herself very quickly.... like going potty, getting things she needed and even things that I needed. She learned that we could no longer do the things we were so used to doing with such ease.... like picking up and heading off to the store quickly, heading over to visit with family or friends, and making meals. She was forced to become more independent rather quickly which while good in some respects, also made me sad at times.

As much as going from one to two effected Liana, it effected her mom even more.

Truth: It was hard as hell.

Truth: I knew it wouldn't be easy. But I didn't realize just how difficult it would actually be.

Truth: I didn't always handle it well.

Truth: I know I shut down... more than a few times.

When we first brought Lukas home, the days felt painfully long. He cried so much and was inconsolable for most of the day, everyday, until he was about 8 weeks. It wasn't until he was about 14 weeks that I felt like my baby was "normal". I was putting everything I had in me into my two kids that by the end of the day, I was desperate for just a few minutes of "me" time.

Mike would walk into the house at 5:45 every night and I knew in my heart that he would have rather stayed at work. It was easier there and I couldn't blame him because by the time he stepped foot inside our door I was emotionally fried, dinner still needed to be made and Liana's bedtime was soon approaching. (Which at that time wasn't as easy as it is now.)

Things didn't start to get better until Lukas wasn't as fussy... so somewhere around that 14 week mark. But even then, I'd say that it wasn't until he was about five months old that I truly felt some of the pressure subside. At ten months I finally felt confident enough to discontinue my Zoloft. While I was more than a bit nervous to stop it and be forced to deal with the everyday stresses all on my own, I found myself quite thankful when I realized I actually felt better off it than I ever had on it.

As I write this, I'm 14 months into being a "mother of two". Sure things are easier now than they were a year ago. I can say with much gratitude that I've made it through the first year with my sanity still (mostly!) intact. Our life as a family of four isn't perfect and I'm not naive enough to believe it ever will be. For the most part, I've made peace with that.

But why was the transition from one child to two is so hard?

Because meeting the needs of two young children takes twice as much work but you do it in the same amount of time. Saying its exhausting would be a drastic understatement.

Do I think it would've been easier had my second child not been such a difficult baby? Obviously.

Do I regret doing it? Never.

Because as hard as it was and as tired as I am, I see the way my kids love on each other (when they're not doing things like hitting each other or fighting over toys) and in that moment, I realize that I did this more for them than I ever did it for myself.

I also realize now that I did the best I could, every step of the way. Again, I was no where near a perfect mother. But that's something I have to forgive myself for because I know just how hard it was. There were good days and there were bad. Sometimes the good were really good and sometimes the bad were REALLY bad. While I haven't always been the most relaxed and patient mama, there hasn't been a single moment in which I wouldn't have laid down my life for either of my children simply because I love them that much. Most importantly, they know it. Because while I may do a lot of things wrong, the one thing I know I do right is love them. Hard and with all my might.

Liana informed Mike and I today that she would like a little sister. I'm certainly not ready to see if the transition from two to three kids is any easier than our most recent one and I remain skeptical as to whether I ever will be. (Mike's already gotten it into his head that we're done so that may make my decision quite easy.) So for now, I'm quite fine with keeping this family of four just the way that it is. Chaos, imperfection and all. :)

Where does the time go?

I know, I know.... I'm a bad little blogger.

Honestly, I don't know how mothers of multiple children find the time to keep these things up. When it was just Liana I was able to write during naptime or after bedtime. But since Lukas has come along, I don't get much down time during the day (let alone an hour, which is what it usually takes me to get my thoughts out!) and by the end of it, I'm too exhausted to think. But yet, I don't want to give this up. It's one of my many ways of keeping track of all the places this life has taken us as a family and there's great value in that.

This past week has been an emotional one for me. One full of confusion and regret. Because I realized this week that the past year seems to have slipped by me. In the chaos of this crazy life of ours, I feel like I've failed to "take it all in". My guilt especially plagues me when it comes to Lukas but even with Liana a bit too.

I was always told that things are drastically different with your second child but oh how I underestimated that. I realized this week that I haven't taken pictures or videos of Lukas like I took with Liana. I've missed moments that I can't get back. Granted, I succeeded at getting the "biggies" such as him rolling over, starting solids, crawling and then walking. But for every moment I've caught, there are a hundred I didn't. Now I know I shouldn't place too much guilt on myself because realistically, I can't capture everything. But I just don't feel like I've done enough for him. I wonder if I'm going to look back some day and wonder what else I missed. And because I've been so caught up in the chaos of our day-to-day, I know that even more importantly I've forgotten to soak it up. Those moments where he just wants his mommy. Watching him play with his sister. Watching him discover new things in this great big world that he's never known before.

I think it bothers me even more because at this point, we plan on Lukas being our last. And here I was, lost in it all.

With regards to Liana, I have these moments where I look at her and become a little broken-hearted over the fact that my "baby girl" isn't a baby anymore. How did we get to three and a half so quickly? How did we get to having an imagination and abstract thoughts and feelings? How did we get to the point where she's such a little girl?

I just feel like their childhood is just slipping away. And I'm desperate to hold onto it.

While I had been feeling guilty like this for a while, it came crashing home this week during one of my visits. In that visit, I listened to the husband of my patient mourn over how he "just needs more time" as it "just gets away from you."

I just don't want it to get away from me. I wish I could slow things down. Completely absorb every single minute of every single day. I look at my kids and wish I could pause that moment in time and place it in a box to keep so that I can look back on it later and re-experience that exact moment, that exact detail of what they were like.

Again....I just don't want it to get away from me.

Usually, work is a release for me. Its my chance to get out of the house and be an adult. But last week, it wasn't. I resented being at work because all I really wanted to do was be at home with my kids. To make matters worse, it wasn't a good week anyways. Long days make for a tired mama who desperate as she tries, can't seem to keep things together.

I wish I knew the remedy for this but unfortunately, I know there isn't one. Time continues to pass and my children continue to grow. I know that one day all too soon, I'll be watching my children as they care for their children.

With all of these emotions taking over, I am making an effort to be more present when I'm with my kids. I want to be the mom they deserve. And I want to live without regrets of what I "should have" done. I want to capture the memories we make... through blogging, through video, through pictures. Because after the time has passed, I want to be able to look back and remember so vividly what this time in my life was like. What they were like whether it be at one, two, five or ten.

So here I am, hoping to be better. Mom's often sacrifice their own needs for that of their family's and I admit, I'm a guilty party. I do feel confident in saying, though, that this act of selfishness isn't just going to benefit me but should benefit the rest of my family as well. :)

Bittersweet. (A long overdue update.)

There's a lot going on in our household these days....

Lukas is now seven and a half months old. He's definitely all boy and never slows down but I can honestly say we're soaking him up. We may have had a rough "go" of things for his first few months of life but over the past two months, things have been remarkably better. (Granted, he's still not sleeping through the night, but we've just succumbed to that.) He's a boy on the move and he does something new everyday. His hair has finally filled in and I can say that he's officially a "toehead".... maybe even moreso than his sister is! We have four teeth in place but unfortunately he looks a little like Dracula as his top I-teeth decided to come in before his top middle teeth. I'd say he's a sight for sore eyes when he smiles but really, we just get a kick out of how goofy he looks with this arrangement right now. :)

Liana is three and sassy as ever. There have been a few days where her and I have just battled it out all day long. She's bossy, rude at times, and full of attitude. While the struggle has just begun, the moments that make it all worth it look something like, "Mommy, I love you. You're my best friend." (All the while wrapping her sweet little arms around me.)

But our biggest news is this... we've decided to put our house on the market.

Mike and I have been discussing this for some time now. I love our house, I love our neighbors, I love the area that we live in. But this house doesn't offer us everything we need and in some ways, it offers too much. As of June 8th, we've been in this house for four years. When we bought it, having a family still seemed so far away but we wanted to be prepared for what was to come. We bought this house with the idea that we would never have to move out as it had more than enough room for us and whatever our family would end up looking like. Before we knew it though, we found out we were pregnant with Liana. Three years later we're faced with the reality that we live in a school district that has some downfalls. Now granted, I'm sure all districts do, but this one has some pretty particular ones that leave us feeling uneasy. While we battled with the idea of doing school of choice (as most of our neighbors have done), we ultimately decided that it was time to do something different. Our decision was made easier by the fact that like I said, this house isn't exactly what we want/need it to be.

So as of Tuesday, our house is up for sale and reality is setting in.

I woke up Tuesday feeling pretty sad & incredibly nostalgic. I walked from room to room, snapping pictures and looking at the home we've created here. I couldn't help but think about the fact that this is the home we brought both of our babies home to. This is the home we painted every square inch of to make it our own. This is the home Mike and I grew in as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. This is the home we poured ourselves (and our money!) into for the past four years.

Over the past few days, I've constantly questioned whether we're doing the right thing. But then I think about the possibilities that lie ahead.... a neighborhood that includes kids Liana & Lukas's age that they can play with. A new home that is just what we need. Being just a bit closer to our families again. Not having to worry about whether the kids are getting the education & experiences they need.

These things excite me. They give me hope for something just a little bit better than we already have.

Once again, our goal is to make this next move our last. We know what we need & want in a house and we know what we want to avoid. We're going into it with a wealth of knowledge we didn't have when we bought this house as it has taught us so many (maybe too many!) lessons on home ownership. We're leaning towards buying new construction or if we have to, building ourselves. The biggest reason that we're hoping to go this route is because we're looking to avoid any more surprises and we want to "know" what we're getting. We've both found a floor plan we love but so far, no homes for sale that go along with it.

For a person who's typically anxious about everything, this has brought me to a new level of feeling unsettled. We're not sure what we'll do if our house sells quickly and we don't have something else lined up. We may move in with my sister or we may decide to rent. I just keep trying to have faith that this will all work out just as it's supposed to. God's plans are usually much, much bigger and greater than mine after all.

Whenever this home sells, I know I'll be overcome with emotion. I know I'll have doubts and I'll continue to question whether we did the right thing. It will be one of the most bittersweet times of my life. However, I keep reminiding myself to "keep my eyes on the prize" and hope that whatever comes next is just as wonderful.... if not better.

Happy Birthday, sweet girl.

Despite being up until 2am last night, I woke up at 7:30. Desperate as I tried, I couldn't fall asleep as thoughts starting flying through my head about the journey I was on three years ago in that very moment. I watched the clock as 7:52 struck.... the moment in which Liana Grace Kadzban officially turned three years old.

Where has the time gone?!

Three years ago today was the most life-changing day of my life. Three years ago today, I became a mom.

And the person that made me a mom has turned into the most beautiful little girl I could've hoped for.

She is kind. Always concerned about others, when she picks up on pain or sadness she's right there making sure that person is okay. Even when other kids aren't being kind in return, she always is.

She is caring. The way she "mommies" her baby dolls and now her brother leaves me speechless. She's so gentle and so nurturing that it makes me proud.

She is funny. The kid loves to make you laugh. She's a huge goofball and can put on quite the show.

She is smart. So, so smart. She can read her letters, count without actually counting (does that make sense?) and her speech is now articulate and detailed. She says things like, "Mom, that nail polish wasn't so good. Almost all of it came off. Hopefully this nail polish is better."

She is vivacious. This kid has a thrill for life that goes unrivaled. She runs like it's her job and does laps (literally) around the neighborhood. She loves a thrill which scares me to death most times.

She is sassy... in both the good and the bad sense. I'm sometimes reminded of what my mother had to put up with when I was younger and thankful that this sentence is able to include "sometimes".

She is a master manipulator. She knows which buttons to push when she really wants something... this is especially true for her Papa, who she has wrapped around her finger. Her new favorite phrase is, "Mama, I think Lukas wants to ....." when clearly she's the one that wants ".....".

She stalls. Oh Lord how she stalls. This is a new one for us that's just come on in the last few weeks. Naptime, which was always SO easy, is now a process. I hear "But Mama, I want...." at least 15 times before I finally just shut the door. Same thing at bedtime or when it's time to go home and she doesn't want to. Or when I'm leaving for work. It's awful. I hate it.

She is imaginative. We have a hippo that lurks around our house, one that pops up randomly from room to room.  I'm not sure where this hippo came from but it seems he's here to stay.

She is affectionate and loving. Kisses are common place around here and nothing melts my heart more than when she randomly runs up to me and throws her arms around my legs. On the days I don't work, she loves to snuggle with me in bed as we watch the Disney channel until Lukas wakes up. On the weekends, our queen size bed becomes very crowded with two big people and one little one. I wouldn't give it up for anything though.

She is responsive. "Warnings" work well for her and when I have to count to three (getting to three means going to time out), we rarely get beyond two. She listens well, especially when safety is on the line.

She is independent. Last year, she always wanted to have someone by her side. Now I see her venturing out on her own a little by doing things like going upstairs to play in her bedroom alone, going into the backyard alone, or going and playing downstairs alone. In addition, we hear "No, I'll do it" much more often these days. She doesn't always want our help even when sometimes that's for the best.

She is a friend, through and through. Lily is her best friend, Graham is her forever friend, and Vivi from playgroup has a special place in her heart. She tries to make friends wherever she goes and when kids don't reciprocate, it pains my heart. She's so happy when she's around other kids that I get excited thinking about the opportunities that lie ahead as she starts preschool in the fall.

She is relentless. If she wants something, you know it.

She is potty trained (yay!!!).... just not during sleep times. It'll happen when it happens.

She is my girly-girl. She loves to have her hair done and her fingers & toes painted. She loves to go to the store and pick out new clothes. She loves to dress up in her princess dresses and watch Strawberry Shortcake. At the same time though, she's got a little tomboy in her as the moment her daddy gets home she loves to play rough and tough. A perfect blend for both Mike and I. :)

She is pacifier free (yay!!!!). I promised myself it'd be gone by her third birthday and when we got down to only having two left, I said "It's time.". The first day was awful and the first week was hard but now, she doesn't even miss it. Neither do I.

She is helpful. If I ask her to go get something for me, she will. When it's been a long night and mama needs a nap, she'll play quietly so I can lay down for a little bit. She loves to "help" us cook and clean and she'll do anything we let her to take care of her brother. When Lukas was born, she mastered her own potty training during those first few weeks as I couldn't go upstairs with her every time she had to go (which was often!).

She is whiney.... when she wants something she can't have or when she's tired. Most annoying thing ever.

She is a big sister and a FABULOUS one at that. I can't believe I was once so scared about how she would respond to Lukas and whether she'd like this new role or not. She looks at him with adoring eyes but best of all, he reciprocates that. She's so gentle with him and so concerned for him all the time and I realized this week that as long as that continues, they're bound to be the best of friends. My heart soars just thinking about it.

She is a little girl. No longer a baby and no longer a toddler. I see it in her everyday actions, I see it in her personality, I see it when I look at her. I miss my "baby" girl but obviously, she's still my "baby girl".

She's our angel. She may not always act like one, but this girl is everything Mike and I hoped she would be. She's been an amazing gift from God and as her name implies, our answered prayer. As Mike and I were driving around last night and talking about her, I shared with him how I knew while I was pregnant with her that she was going to be "perfect". I knew she'd be an easy baby and I knew she'd be everything we wanted her to be. (It is also possible that this was me being naive and endlessly optimistic during our first pregnancy.)

Liana Grace changed my world three years ago today. Best of all, she didn't just change my world, she changed Mike's too. And our family's.

Happy Birthday, my sweet little girl. I love you to the moon and back. I am so proud to be your mama and as Taylor Swift says, "You are the best thing that's ever been mine. "

3.24.09... She's here!

April 2009...Two weeks old

June 2009.... Three months

July 2009... 4 months!

Summer 2009

March 2010... One year!

June 2010... 15 months

August 2010... 17 months

Christmas 2010... 1 yr 9 months

January 2011... almost two!

May 2011... Two years!

October 2011.... Liana is a sister!

November 2012

February 2012... Almost three!!!

A Valentines Day Quickie. :)

It's 9:19 pm and I really, really should be in bed. After all, I've been complaining all day about how tired I am and even went so far as to barter with my husband to come home from work early so I could take a nap as my "Valentines Day gift". (He didn't do it. Are we surprised by this?!)

But I'm going to take ten minutes to write something down and it starts with this....

I'm in love.

With this little boy...

And this little girl....

And the man that brought them into my world....

Life has not been easy these past few months. But still, life is good. So, so good. I find that I've finally gotten to the point where I can take a deep breath and start to really take this all in. We've gotten through the hard newborn stage and as a result, my perspective has shifted. Instead of lamenting over the fact that my baby isn't sleeping through the night, I find myself holding his hand and tracing his tiny fingers with mine during those nighttime feedings and loving him with all of my might. My little girl turns three next month and as I watch her blossom into such a little personality with a vigor for life, I'm astounded by what she's capable of.

I'm soaking up the kisses, the smiles, the giggles and the coos because I know they will all too soon be a part of my past. Memories to look back on instead of moments to experience.

I want to live in these moments. Dive in, head first. I want to live for these moments. Not take them for granted.

Mike, Liana and Lukas are what I live for. They are my purpose in my life. They are my everything.

So this Valentine's Day, I'm loving on them. The three greatest blessings in my life. <3

Liana's best.

So the Kranz's left the Kadzban household yesterday morning after a long weekend of visiting and I have to admit that watching their van pull away left me crunching my nose a little... the only thing I know to do when I want to stop the tears from flowing.

After they left, I sat on the couch while feeding Lukas and couldn't help but wonder why it's always so hard on me when they go. Then it hit me....

I hate the transition of watching Liana play so joyfully with Lily (most of the time) to once again being by herself.

Watching these two run around together brings a happiness to my heart that not many other things can. Sure, they have their moments... in fact, at the ripe age of 2, they seem to be having a lot more these days as they struggle to learn the whole concept of sharing.  But more often than not you'll find these girls giggling like the best of friends.

Without even knowing it or trying to, Lily has given something to my daughter that is irreplaceable. A best friend. Someone to giggle with. Get into trouble with. Play relentlessly with. Fight with and then quickly make up with. They love each other in spite of their faults and for their strengths. They're there to teach other important life lessons... even though right now those life lessons may range from small issues such as using a public potty to big issues like learning how to share and be kind to others.

When these two girls are together, my heart overflows at watching how happy Liana is. But it also brings with it a lot of sadness because inevitably, it always has to end. I hate that some of our closest friends live hours away and that these play dates can't happen more than once every few months.

Someday, I pray that Liana and Lukas have an overabundance of friends and cousins to play with because right now, they don't. That's been one of the many struggles I've faced with having kids so much earlier than our siblings or our friends have. I feel Liana's loneliness, even when she probably doesn't, to my core.

Lillian Paige, thank you for being Liana's best. And Lily's mom, thanks for being one of mine too. <3

One. Two. Three becomes FOUR.

So, I got an intense reality check this morning....

Today is my last day as a mommy of ONE.

Tomorrow, my sweet Liana becomes a big sister and Mike and I become parents of TWO.

Wow.

So here's some snippets of how we spent our final hours as a family of THREE before becoming a family of FOUR. (I meant to take more pictures but the day kind of got away from me a little.)

 Kisses for Bauer

 Oops.... Mommy made a mess all over the ceiling and Daddy had to clean it up. :)

Enjoying some ice cream before bed as a special treat!

I can't believe that in 12 hours, we'll be pulling into the hospital and getting ready to welcome our little boy into this world and into our arms.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about the c-section.... but I'm so ready to meet him that at this point, I'd do just about anything to see his sweet face. To kiss those sweet cheeks. To see Mike hold his son.

And later in the day, to see Liana meet her baby brother for the very first time. I can't even imagine the joy that moment will bring to my heart. Or the tears that may fall from my eyes.

Ready or not, here we go....

Three becomes four. <3

Love Letters.

Liana Grace,

Any day now, we're expecting your little brother to enter into this world and officially become a member of our family. Before he does, there are some things I've been wanting to tell you.

Liana, you changed my world in a way I could have never imagined. In July 2008, when that pregnancy stick showed a positive result, I knew that life was about to be very, very different. You weren't something we had planned on but I knew instantly that God had given you to us for a reason beyond my understanding. I knew that some way, some how, you were meant for me. I was beyond excited at everything you would hold for me and daddy.

Those nine months of pregnancy seemed to crawl by as I so anxiously awaited meeting you. There was nothing I wanted more than to finally hold you in my arms, look into your eyes, and see what your daddy and I had created. To see what a product of our love truly looked like. To see everything we had worked towards come to fruition. I only remember a few moments of fear during those nine months as most of the time, nothing but peace was within my heart. I knew deep down you were going to be perfect. I knew you were going to be my angel here on earth.

And boy, you sure haven't disappointed.

I remember so vividly those hours before you entered this world. I remember the pains, the anticipation, the excitement of knowing I was so close to meeting you. I remember the moment you left my body... I remember the fear that engulfed me for the 30 minutes they wouldn't let me hold you.... I remember the overwhelming emotion of seeing your daddy hold you for the first time before I even got a chance to.

Bringing you home, things finally started to feel real. It wasn't just daddy and I anymore.... there were three to this equation. You brought daddy and I closer in a way we couldn't have imagined. There were some hard times that first year as we learned to balance individuality, marriage, and parenthood. There were times when I wasn't sure we were cut out to do this together. But the thing is, nothing was about "us" anymore. It had become about you. You glued us together in a way no one else could.... you made us a family.

While we're speaking of daddy, let me tell you the ways in which you changed him. You showed me a whole new side to the man I so long ago fell in love with. A side only you could have brought out, being our first born. The way in which you adore him and the way in which he adores you... well, that's something incredible. It's a sight to be seen. Honestly, it makes my heart beat a little faster and makes me love him a whole lot deeper. The man I had always hoped he'd be is wrapped up in you. Being a father to you is such a natural part of his soul... if there's anything in this world he does to near-perfection, it's being your daddy. He is everything I ever wanted my children to have in a father. If I could only give you two things in this world, one would be for you to always know how deeply I love you and the other would be a daddy who is everything and more than you need. He fulfills that in every way I had ever hoped he would.

Liana Grace, it's been two years, six months, and twenty four days since you came into this world.

And with each passing day, I fall more in love with you.

You are the most remarkable child I've ever met and yes, I realize that I'm completely biased. But those moments where you take my breath away? They're what I live for. I find so much joy wrapped up in seeing you grow into the person you'll someday be. While there are days when I desperately need "me" time, the moment you're gone I miss you to my core. My heart aches for you. I feel more lonely, more empty and less like myself which is ironic seeing as the very thing I was searching for by taking time away from you was "me". I wonder what you're doing and if you're missing me too. (Usually, you aren't!)

There are so many things I adore about you, Liana. The way you reach for my hand when we're walking in public places or as soon as you realize that we're in a parking lot. The way in which it so perfectly melts into mine. The way that you find comfort with mommy in a way no one else can provide. I'm the one you seek when you're hurt. When you need an "owie" kissed. You fit into this lap of mine like a missing puzzle piece. I love the way you show your love... you give the most amazing hugs and kisses. They just melt me to my core and I hope I never forget how it feels in my heart to have your arms wrapped around this neck of mine. I beam with pride over seeing you succeed and the fact that when you do, you beam with pride too. You are such a sensitive little soul who feels the pain of those around you.... much like your mama does. We're emotional creatures, you and me. This may not suit us well during your teenage years but for now, it's a good thing. It's something I'm proud of you for. I like being the mama of the little girl who goes to comfort others and say, "Are you okay?" in that kind-hearted voice of yours. I love your adventurous spirit.... even though it sometimes causes me panic.

Liana, I love every single thing that makes you, you.

Yes, there are moments of struggle. Because just as you're emotional like me, you can also be stubborn like me. And impatient like me. This causes for rifts at least once a day, usually when I need you to listen and you decide to run the other way instead or better yet, completely ignore me. Often times, you're too smart for your own good. Oh, and lets not forget the manipulation tactics you employ when it comes to getting what you want. You have this pout that you smear across your face when you want something you know you shouldn't have. As much as I hate to admit this, it works just about every time. I'm such a sucker for you and so is everyone else. Worse yet, you know it.

Sometime in the next week our lives as we know it will be turned upside down by the arrival of your new baby brother. I worry about how this will effect you. I worry that you'll struggle with now having to share the attention you're so used to getting from mommy, daddy, and everyone else. I worry that you'll feel left out and maybe even resentful.

But here's the thing.... this little boy is your brother. Just as much as we wanted him for ourselves, we wanted him for you too. We wanted you to have a sibling you could walk through life with. Someone who knew you from (almost) start to finish. Someone that was yours. Someone who saw the best and worst parts of you but always loved you just the same.

My heart prays that you and your brother will grow up as best friends. He may not always handle things the same way you do and he may not always be interested in the same things you are because, well, boys are different creatures than us girls are. Regardless of this, my heart begs that you two love each other just the same because I know that the two of you can make each others lives better just by being in them.

In the mean while, I'm beyond excited to see you transform into a big sister. I know that while the initial transition may be a bit bumpy for all of us, you are going to love your little brother to the core. Much like daddy and I were forever changed for the better when you came along, I believe whole-heartedly that you'll be forever changed in the same way once your brother does. I can't wait to see you love on him and shower him with your kisses and your concern. To be "mommy's little helper". I can't wait for daddy and I to have special outings with our little girl and to see your eyes light up during those moments in which you have us all to yourself again.

Sweet girl, I need you to know a few last things before I go....

You are my world. Being my first born, you were the one to set me on this journey and make me a mommy. You changed not only my heart, but my soul. You have been my best and most important teacher because before you, I never knew what life was really about. I never knew how deeply and truly I could love another person. I never knew what it felt like to have my heart walking around outside of my body. I never knew that fear could be so pervasive... so terrifying... so paralyzing. But I also never knew how joyful my life could be and how everything I ever wanted could be wrapped up in one little blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl.

I love you peanut. Thank you for being you and making me, me.

~ Mama ~

_____________________________

Dear Michael,

Wow.... where has the time gone?

Nearly eleven years ago, I fell in love with a boy. He was sweet.... charming.... sensitive.... and even then, I knew he was everything I would someday want in a husband. For that reason, I held on to him tightly and refused to let go. Thankfully, he never made me.

After five and a half years of dating, we got married. There were periods of time leading up to July 1st, 2006 that I wasn't sure we would make it. Equally so, there have been periods of time following July 1st, 2006 that I wasn't sure we would make it. I knew marriage wouldn't be easy.... I had grown up seeing just how much work it could take. Somehow though, I still had little understanding as to just how hard it could be.... a feeling that I think you've felt, too.

You and I have grown up together in many ways. We've seen each other slowly transform into the people we are today. We've been by each others side through thick and thin. I often think about the blessing God bestowed upon us when he brought us together at such a young age... not many couples can say they've experienced all the things we've experienced together.

High school. College. Friendships made and friendships broken. Being there for each other as we tried to figure out who we were as not only individuals, but as a couple. We've experienced life's heartaches together as well as life's joys. We've helped each other up every time one of us has fallen down. We've known each other from the ages of 16 to 28.... a span of time that has included some of our most formidable years. We've been there for each other as we've stumbled and succeeded... individually and as a couple.

You and I, we've been through a lot together.

But there is no one in this world I would've rather done so with.

I remember back to our first two years of marriage. How simple things were back then. How easy it was and how idealistic it felt. The one thing I wanted most out of life was a marriage and a family of my own. You gave me that. I was on cloud nine for those first two years because every night, we came home to each other. It really was that easy.

And then, things slowly became more complicated. Suddenly everything wasn't so easy. We worked different shifts. We bought a house. We accrued responsibility. We had a baby. We were forced to balance a number of different balls in the air... often all at once... while trying to keep any one of them from falling to the ground.

But still, there's no one I would've rather had my life become more complicated with.

These last three years have been the years in which we've seen the most growth. In each other, in our marriage, in our family. We've experienced some stumbling points but made it beyond each one stronger than we were before.

Michael, what a blessing you've been to my life.

Do you know how much I love you? I think it often gets lost in translation through the day-to-day chaos that our life has become these past few years. And as we await the birth of our little boy and become a family of four, I worry that this feeling of things being "lost in translation" won't soon get better.

Realistically, I'm not sure how to express in words just how much I love you but I hope you feel the depth of my words when I say it. Because I.Love.You.

I love you for the man that you are. You have worked so hard to make this life for us. To give me the things that I've always wanted. I love you for being patient and kind when I've deserved far less. I love you for trying to understand me when I don't even understand myself. I love the way that you bring me back to reality when I lose touch with it. I love the way you step up to the plate when I need to step away from it. I love you for continuing to try and learn how to be a better husband.... father.... son.... brother.... friend. I love you for the drastic differences we share and the way we balance each other out. Our relationship has been the perfect example of how opposites attract and while sometimes we struggle with this reality, I'm more thankful for it than anything else. I love you for the way in which you put up with me lecturing you about money.... but you still don't say a word when I indulge in something for myself or Liana. I love the way you fall asleep next to me at night and how (I think) we both feel like that's the one point to every day in which we finally reconnect. I love how sincere your "I love you's" are and when you say them, I can feel those words to my core. I love how you come home and give me a kiss.... even if I'm a crazy mess. I love how you're always okay with cooking dinner.... though I'm not okay when you nit-pick mine. ;) I love when I get an unexpected text or email that simply says, "I love you." It shows that you're thinking about me when I least expect it.

More than anything, I need you to know how much I love you when it comes to being a daddy.

Seeing you with Liana makes my heart absolutely melt. There is nothing sexier or more attractive than a man who can be everything his little girl needs him to be, just when she needs it most. I listen as you put her to bed and say prayers with her and I'm overwhelmed with emotion. When I'm having a weak parenting moment and you step up to the plate, I'm thankful beyond words. I love looking out the kitchen window after you get home from work to see you running around the backyard with her and Moose. I love that your a little kid in big kid clothes... though it makes me a little crazy when you don't use your big kid head and someone, usually Liana, gets hurt when things get a little out of hand. ;)

I love that you challenge her in ways that help her grow. I love how you make her world fun. I love how she says your name like you're her prince charming. I love how excited she gets when you come home from work each night. I love the way you man-handle her in ways I can't.... after all, she must get that physical energy from you because she certainly doesn't get it from me. I love how much you love her and how I can see that love in your eyes. I love how I can see that she's changed you, too.... into a better man, a better husband, a better daddy.

I love how you are everything she deserves and more. That's the only thing I ever wanted  from you when it came to being a parent and you've certainly delivered.

As importantly as anything else, I love that I know she'll always be in good hands with you. That you'll move mountains for her. That should anything ever happen to me, she'll be okay because she has you.

I love that soon, we'll have a little boy in this house. I love that in all the same ways you've been a remarkable daddy to Liana, you'll be a remarkable daddy to our son. I love that just as Liana has made me feel complete, I think you'll feel complete too. While you struggled with the newborn stage when Liana was born, I have this feeling you're going to do a lot better the second time around because you'll be able to see the rainbow through the rain. I can't wait to see you become a daddy of two. My gut says you'll do better with two than I will. :)

Michael, I may not say it enough, but please know that regardless of how crazy our days are (or how crazy your wife may be).... I love you with everything in me. I'm so proud of the man you've become. We may not have it all together.... individually or as a couple... but together we have it all.

~ Haley ~

Holy hormones.

For loving my daughter more than life itself, I'm struggling.

I look at her and am completely overwhelmed at how amazing this little girl is. For how much she changed my life. For how she made me a better person. For how I want to be everything and more than she needs me to be.

But at the same time, I feel like she deserves better.

My patience is wearing thin these days. I woke up this morning after a wonderful night's sleep thinking that I was going to dominate this day. Instead, I feel like it's dominating me.

More failed attempts at going #2 on the potty.... a regression that's come on this past week and now has my heart feeling heavy. I try not to let her see my disappointment but I'm scared that I wear it like a black cloak. A house that's an absolute disaster.... and no motivation to clean it. I need to go grocery shopping but can't because I'm not ready to venture into Meijer with a half-way trained 2 year old who can go hours without peeing or on the flip side, sometimes pees 5 times in 30 minutes.

Patience has never been one of my virtues. It's there but only in small amounts when it comes to certain things. I keep giving myself "pep talks" but they're effects don't seem to last long.

In addition to this, reality is hitting me that in exactly two weeks (or less), I'll have a newborn in this home. I'll be healing from a c-section and at the mercy of two children who need me for just about everything. Yes, I'll have some support for those first two weeks... but after that, I'm on my own.

And that completely overwhelms me.

I'm sometimes resentful of my husband who offers suggestions on what I "should" do when it comes to caring for our kid(s).... while he sits behind a desk 20 miles away. He comes home at 6 and helps parent for 3 hours.

Don't get me wrong.... the man is amazing. He's so patient and has such a way about him... he helps so much when he's here, it's just that he's not here as much as I'd like him to be. And he doesn't get it that for the other 11 hours of the day, I'm on my own and having to do this without him.

Today is, simply put, a bad day. My hormones are raging (as evidenced by the tears I keep shedding) and I'm scared, excited, and nervous for all the changes my life is bringing at once. I'm trying to keep things balanced but feel like I'm dropping the ball in one way or another all the time.

The biggest part of me is dying to meet this little man I carry under my heart and in my belly. But there's another part of me that's still not ready for the changes he'll bring with him. I was telling my friend Kate earlier how ironic that is, seeing as I've been waiting for this baby for over a year now.

(Don't even get me started on how the anniversary of my miscarriage last year is just around the corner. Yes, I still think about it.)

So, there's my vent. Sorry it was so completely depressing.

On the up side:

We finally have the baby name list narrowed down to two. Thank God. I have a favorite, which is also Liana's favorite, and now we just have to "officially" sell Mike on it.

Only four more work days until maternity leave begins and I'm SO ready. Do you know how draining it is to say goodbye to your patients, some whom I've had on my service for over a year, knowing that by the time I come back it's very possible that they won't be here anymore? I'm used to receiving the goodbyes, not giving them. Plus, two of my "favorite" patients died this week which leaves me more ready than ever for some time off.

I'll leave this post with some positive thoughts....

Mike, you are amazing. Thank you for being my rock and during times like these, the better half to our whole. Thank you for seeing that I need moments to myself and stepping up to the plate when I'm about to melt down. Thank you for being the most patient man I know... a character trait that I've always loved about you but find myself adoring right now. Thank you for being such a good daddy... our kids are so completely blessed to have you. So am I.

Liana, I'm so sorry that I'm struggling with you right now. I'm sorry if I let you down. Please always know that no matter what happens, you are the moon to my stars. You, and you alone, are the child that rocked my world and made it 200% better. I look at you and my heart aches because I love you that much. I'm so intensely proud of you and everything that you are. These next few weeks/months may be rough but I promise, life will be better this way and I'll do everything in my power to make sure of that.

Baby Boy, you have no idea how long this mama has been waiting to hold you in her arms. Sometimes it feels like the longest 14 months of my life, sometimes it feels like the shortest. I cannot wait to finally look at your face and fall in love with you all over again.

Adventures in Potty Training 2.

(Did you start here? )

So this weekend took an unexpected turn....

I came home from work on Friday to find that my grandma had "potty trained" Liana.

Now, I put those words into quotations because Liana is a very different child for my grandma than she is for me. So while I was shocked to hear that she had gone all day without a single accident and had told her every time that she needed to go, I was not shocked when we walked into the door of our own house and 30 seconds later Liana had her first accident on my floor.

Five minutes later, it was followed by another. And another.

Mike walked in at 5:45 to find his wife sitting in tears on the steps. He had no idea what in the world was going on.

I gave him a quick catch-me-up and then left. I just had to get out of this house because honestly, I wasn't ready for what I had been thrown into. I wasn't ready for the physical and mental drain I knew potty training would bestow upon me.... especially at 35 weeks pregnant.

While I was gone, Liana had one success with daddy.

Saturday morning, we woke up. While my heart was not in the place to be doing this, I didn't want to send Liana the wrong message by going back to diapers right away because if I did, when would she begin to take this seriously? So we jumped in, much to my chagrin.

A couple of hours later, I again found myself sitting on the floor in tears. Frustrated because not only was Liana having accidents but because this wasn't what I had asked for.

(Also, please remember that I never cry. A big "thank you" to my pregnancy hormones and stress for breaking me down into a blubbering mess.)

This was supposed to be the first weekend in over a month that we had no commitments. No responsibilities. Mike and I had plans to get a few things done but mostly, we just wanted to relax. All of September had been filled with preparation.... repainting the nursery and the bathroom, getting baby things together, baby shower activities (I threw one for our cousin Laura), etc etc etc. It was busy. For the first time in a month, we had hoped to just relax and enjoy the weekend.

And then this came along and completely threw everything we had hoped our weekend to be right out the window. (Not to mention, our last month as a family of three.)

I was so emotionally unprepared. So while I shut down, my husband took over.

Thank God for him.  Without him, we would've failed again at potty training.

By noon, we had had our first success. From there, things only went uphill.

Something just finally clicked. I look at the "signs of readiness" and according to them, she still wasn't ready. For example, she didn't stay dry for long periods of time. She wouldn't tell us when her diaper needed to be changed (unless it was a poop). She had no problems walking around in a wet diaper and showed little interest in her own potty seat.

So what do I think did it? Well honestly, I think that telling her it was not okay to wet her "big girl panties" was all the push she needed. Once she heard those magical words, she began telling us before she went that she had to go. After a few successes, it seemed like she finally made the connection between "having to go" and "going on the potty seat".

Who knew my kid would listen so well when I told her not to do something?! Amazing.

The initiatives also helped. I had read on a friend's blog that she was giving her daughter one M&M for trying, two for pees and three for poops (yep, that'd be you Anita!). In addition to the M&M's, I made a potty chart for Liana and everytime she had a success she'd get to put a sticker on the chart. Plus, Mike and I were so proud that she was finally being successful that we praised her to the nth degree. To all these things, she responded positively. :)

Between noon and 8pm Saturday, Liana had somewhere around 17 successes (including one poop). That's a lot of time spent in the bathroom, wouldn't you say?! Especially as that number doesn't include the trips where nothing actually happened. By the end of the day, Mike and I were both physically and mentally exhausted.

Sunday it was more of the same. Success after success after success. Because I wanted to get her familiar with going on the potty elsewhere too, we decided to take her to my parents for a couple of hours in the afternoon. We went there for two reasons: 1) they have the same potty seat that we have here, and 2) my dad watches her two days this week, so he needed to learn the process himself and she needed to become comfortable doing it with him. While I was terrified that she might regress due to being in a different place and with excited grandparents looming around her, she inevitably did great. We didn't have a single accident on Sunday.... Mike and I have never been so proud. :)

Monday came along. Initially, it was again more of the same. No accidents but also for the second day in a row, no poops. I knew she had to go but it was clear that she was nervous and didn't want to, which in turn made me nervous. I tried everything to coax her into going.... promises of ice cream, M&M's, marshmallows, and I finally told her that whatever she wanted she could have IF she went poop. All to no avail.

While Liana did great, Monday was tough on me both physically and emotionally. Because Mike had been here over the weekend to share the physical burden of training, I wasn't prepared for how much of a toll doing this on my own would take. By 11 am, my body felt like it had been hit by a train. Do you know how difficult it is to routinely get on and off the floor when you're 35.5 weeks pregnant?! Let alone in a small bathroom with not much area to maneuver your very big belly? Well, it's tough. This was just one more reason I hadn't been planning to do this again until months after the baby was born. My patience was wearing thin by the time Liana went down for a nap and I found myself quite concerned that I was going to sabotage this for the both of us. Thankfully that didn't happen though as I had reinforcements present following naps in the form of my parents.

And here we are, Tuesday. Playgroup day. As I haven't been able to make it to group often lately for one reason or another, I had been intending to go this week. However, a huge part of me was scared to go once we started training because: a) it's in Rockford, 3o minutes away. Could she really last that long in the carseat without having an accident? And b) I was worried that the distractions might cause her to have an accident and then she might feel embarrassed and regress. On the flip side of that though, I knew deep in my heart that seeing the other kids use the potty would likely solidify this for her.

So, we went. And overall, it was a huge success. She had her first accident since Saturday about 20 minutes after we arrived but because I didn't make a big deal out of it, she was fine. As the kids started using the bathroom, one after another (because when one two year old uses it, all the others want to too!), she got this twinkle in her eye. It's like she was thinking, "Hey, I can do that too!". And she did.

We even got a poop out of her while we were there. (I never thought I'd be so happy to see poop in the toilet. Oh, the joys of motherhood.) She walked out of that bathroom to a crowd of other mommy cheerleaders which made her beam with pride over her accomplishment. :)

My peanut is officially on her way to becoming a "big girl". Granted, we're only four days into the whole potty training thing. We have yet to do public restrooms and I have yet to venture out into the "real world" with her but slowly, we'll get there.

From the mama's standpoint, I still have mixed emotions about all of this. I'm not sure that the timing was for the best as we have a new baby that will be here in 23 days (or less). Will she regress once he comes along because we didn't give her enough time to build a strong foundation? We can only wait and see while hoping that she doesn't. I'm not thrilled about taking on this responsibility while 36 weeks pregnant, either. But even more than both of those feelings, I'm excited for and so proud of her. I didn't think she had it in her yet to do this and to do it so well.

I can't believe my little girl is done with diapers. That I now have one less bottom to change 5-10 times throughout the day.

(Sidenote.... we are using pull-ups during naptime and bedtime. In no way, shape or form was I ready to tackle potty training during sleep.... God knows I need sleep myself these days!)

Liana Grace, your mama is so intensely proud of you.

So, that's where we're at today. I apologize for the "wasteful" (haha!) update... but these things have to be documented so that this mama and her really poor memory never forgets. Wish us luck as we continue on with our potty training adventure - I have a feeling we still need all the luck we can get! :)