Holy hormones.

For loving my daughter more than life itself, I'm struggling.

I look at her and am completely overwhelmed at how amazing this little girl is. For how much she changed my life. For how she made me a better person. For how I want to be everything and more than she needs me to be.

But at the same time, I feel like she deserves better.

My patience is wearing thin these days. I woke up this morning after a wonderful night's sleep thinking that I was going to dominate this day. Instead, I feel like it's dominating me.

More failed attempts at going #2 on the potty.... a regression that's come on this past week and now has my heart feeling heavy. I try not to let her see my disappointment but I'm scared that I wear it like a black cloak. A house that's an absolute disaster.... and no motivation to clean it. I need to go grocery shopping but can't because I'm not ready to venture into Meijer with a half-way trained 2 year old who can go hours without peeing or on the flip side, sometimes pees 5 times in 30 minutes.

Patience has never been one of my virtues. It's there but only in small amounts when it comes to certain things. I keep giving myself "pep talks" but they're effects don't seem to last long.

In addition to this, reality is hitting me that in exactly two weeks (or less), I'll have a newborn in this home. I'll be healing from a c-section and at the mercy of two children who need me for just about everything. Yes, I'll have some support for those first two weeks... but after that, I'm on my own.

And that completely overwhelms me.

I'm sometimes resentful of my husband who offers suggestions on what I "should" do when it comes to caring for our kid(s).... while he sits behind a desk 20 miles away. He comes home at 6 and helps parent for 3 hours.

Don't get me wrong.... the man is amazing. He's so patient and has such a way about him... he helps so much when he's here, it's just that he's not here as much as I'd like him to be. And he doesn't get it that for the other 11 hours of the day, I'm on my own and having to do this without him.

Today is, simply put, a bad day. My hormones are raging (as evidenced by the tears I keep shedding) and I'm scared, excited, and nervous for all the changes my life is bringing at once. I'm trying to keep things balanced but feel like I'm dropping the ball in one way or another all the time.

The biggest part of me is dying to meet this little man I carry under my heart and in my belly. But there's another part of me that's still not ready for the changes he'll bring with him. I was telling my friend Kate earlier how ironic that is, seeing as I've been waiting for this baby for over a year now.

(Don't even get me started on how the anniversary of my miscarriage last year is just around the corner. Yes, I still think about it.)

So, there's my vent. Sorry it was so completely depressing.

On the up side:

We finally have the baby name list narrowed down to two. Thank God. I have a favorite, which is also Liana's favorite, and now we just have to "officially" sell Mike on it.

Only four more work days until maternity leave begins and I'm SO ready. Do you know how draining it is to say goodbye to your patients, some whom I've had on my service for over a year, knowing that by the time I come back it's very possible that they won't be here anymore? I'm used to receiving the goodbyes, not giving them. Plus, two of my "favorite" patients died this week which leaves me more ready than ever for some time off.

I'll leave this post with some positive thoughts....

Mike, you are amazing. Thank you for being my rock and during times like these, the better half to our whole. Thank you for seeing that I need moments to myself and stepping up to the plate when I'm about to melt down. Thank you for being the most patient man I know... a character trait that I've always loved about you but find myself adoring right now. Thank you for being such a good daddy... our kids are so completely blessed to have you. So am I.

Liana, I'm so sorry that I'm struggling with you right now. I'm sorry if I let you down. Please always know that no matter what happens, you are the moon to my stars. You, and you alone, are the child that rocked my world and made it 200% better. I look at you and my heart aches because I love you that much. I'm so intensely proud of you and everything that you are. These next few weeks/months may be rough but I promise, life will be better this way and I'll do everything in my power to make sure of that.

Baby Boy, you have no idea how long this mama has been waiting to hold you in her arms. Sometimes it feels like the longest 14 months of my life, sometimes it feels like the shortest. I cannot wait to finally look at your face and fall in love with you all over again.