October 23rd.

One year ago today, I woke up 10 weeks pregnant.

Only a few days before, we had officially shared our news with the world.

And by the end of that day, I found myself in the ER watching an ultrasound screen confirm the fact that we would never hold that baby in our arms. I cried tears I didn't know I was capable of crying.

October 23rd, 2010 was one of the two most emotionally and physically painful days of my life. Yes, there have been other difficult days.... but the 23rd and the 28th take the cake.

One year later, I wake up on October 23rd and find myself 38 weeks, 3 days pregnant. Four days from now, I'll be holding a son.... my son.... our son....in these arms of mine.

I cannot tell you how deeply affected I've been by my miscarriage last year. How there's been very few days over the last 365 where I haven't thought about that baby. My heart still aches to know that child and tears still fall when I think about what "could have" been. It's not something I talk about much anymore but the reality is, it's still there. Right under the surface. Almost all the time.

Four days from now, I'll meet my third child but only the second one I'll ever hold, ever touch, ever name, ever kiss.

And once he's here, I hope that I'll better understand why things happened the way that they did at this time last year.

My arms are ready. My heart is ready.

Four days.