Day Seven.

As I sit at my keyboard, I find myself unsure of what to say. But I want to write... I want to say something. Because if I don't, I might explode.

I feel really anxious right now. I'm alone. I just finished last night's episode of Grey's, so I have nothing to distract me. I could take a nap because I'm exhausted, but I don't want to lay down.

So I'm left to think.

Think about yesterday. Think about today. Think about tomorrow and all the tomorrows down the road.

I think about the relief I feel. Right now, the physical pain is gone. However, I spoke with  Dr. LaGrand this morning and I have to take a medication for the next three days that will cause my uterus to contract and push out anything that may be remaining in there. It shouldn't be any worse than typical period cramping... but still, after a week of being in pain and dealing with this, I'm not eager to restart things. The relief is good and I don't want it to be short-lived.

I think about how yesterday was one of the most traumatic and painful days of my life. Once the tissues were passed though, the intense pain I felt (which was far worse than any contraction I had while giving birth to Liana and lasted a solid 45 minutes) subsided instantly and just left me with some cramping. Last night, I kept myself busy to keep my mind off things... not because I wanted to avoid those feelings but I just wanted to avoid them for the moment. The physical pain had taken everything out of me that I had to give.... I couldn't give myself to the emotional pain too.

But I also think about the fact that I didn't want to go to bed last night because I knew what would happen as soon as I climbed into those sheets. And as I did and I thought about the day that had unfolded.... I just clung to Mike. Well, first I got up and took a xanax and then I clung to Mike. ;)

I think about what I told him.  "I feel relieved it's over, but I just feel so empty now." While I needed the physical relief, I wasn't prepared for the emotions I felt once our baby was gone. As I laid in bed and talked to Mike, all I could think about was how empty and alone I now felt. How I now feel like a piece of me was actually missing. That I'll never see, feel, or hear that baby again.

Physically, it's over. Emotionally, it's far from so.

I just really miss my baby. I'm okay that God decided to take him/her.... I've accepted that part. But it doesn't make me miss them any less.

Today, I think I'm still in shock. I woke up, played with Liana, had Jenny and Caleb over. I was able to talk about everything without crying. I was able to laugh with Jenny and at our kids. Mike texted me to ask if I'd feel up to bringing Liana into work this afternoon in her costume to trick or treat... and I said I would and actually felt excited about it for a moment.

So there are moments where I feel okay. But I also feel the waves coming at me. Like in this instant, my heart flutters as I write because feeling okay doesn't feel right. It feels like an oxymoron. Because I'm not okay, but somehow there are moments where I feel okay. (Geeze, this is confusing for me. I can only imagine how confusing it must be for any of you.) I wonder to myself if that's the shock of it all. I worry about when it might hit me.... will it be when I decide to go back to work and I walk into my first visit? Or will that be a good distraction? Will it be when I stop bleeding? Or will that be the final release to all of this? Will it come in the middle of the day, when no one is around? Or might it happen in a room full of family and friends?

My best friend Megan... who, might I add is my favorite social worker ever.... and I were talking last night. I verbalized my concerns to her over how I was coping. You see.... I know grief. I do grief. It's my job. So I know what's normal coping and what's not.... or at least I think I do. But she reassured me. She reminded that while I may not be crying as much as I think I should, I am processing this loss. In a way that most don't. I talk. I write. I think and I don't hold back those thoughts. And I realized she was right. I still wish I could cry more over this.... I feel guilty not crying more over this... but I'm sure that if I pent up all of these emotions, they'd come screaming out in tears. But I don't do well with penting up emotions... if you know me, you know that. So here we are. You and me. Talking about my emotions. Letting most of it out in words so that it doesn't all come out in tears.

I know the tears will come. They always do.

In the mean time, we'll have these talks. They may be one-sided for the most part, but they mean everything to me right now.

Also, thank you for the support and the prayers. Only a few people know this, but I have a hard time praying for myself. So knowing that you're all praying for me means the world.

Last but not least, I'm thankful God intervened yesterday. I was okay with the D&C but I'm happy God took that choice out of my hands.