Where we've been... and where we're headed.

So, things have been strange lately. Hence the lack of updates.

I'm not sure what it is, but I think it's a mix of things going on at once.

1. I'm ready to be off weekends. Well, lets be honest here, I've been ready to be off weekends for FOUR months. I've been patient and understanding, but I'm beyond ready at this point. I've missed many weekend moments and opportunities over the past 2 months that I had hoped to be off for. For example, this weekend is one of my closest friends baby shower (shout out to you, Ash!) and I know I'm going to miss it because I have no more PTO for the year and even though this should be my last weekend (or my first weekend off), we're not there yet. I'm so disappointed at this point. I know the end is near and I'm trying to stay positive, but there are times when that's hard to do. I'm just ready.... and my weekend replacement is not. Frustrating.

2. Physically, I've been feeling drained. And when I feel physically drained, I feel emotionally drained too. I have good days and I have bad and while the good ones seem to come up on the winning end of things, those bad days just suck. Plain and simple. Which brings me to my next thought...

I just don't know how stay at home mom's do it. Mad props to each one of you that might be reading this. And single moms? Well, I bow down to you.

Mike and I had lunch today, just the two of us. It was nice because it gave us some quality time that I feel like we've been missing out on. During lunch we talked and I tried to explain to him how much I NEED to get off weekends. Not only because I hate missing out on stuff, but because I am to the point where I need to feel like I'm not a single parent anymore. I'm going nuts being at home with Liana five days a week and having her every need depend on me and only me while he's at work. I can't keep up with anything; the housework, the laundry, the errands; the appointments; let alone Liana herself. I'm constantly dragging and constantly feeling like an absolute failure. I feel like I fail her because I'm trying to clean the kitchen instead of playing with her. I feel like I fail on keeping up with my household responsibilities because I'd rather be napping during nap time or playing with Liana when she's awake.  Honest to God, we have 2 baskets full of clean clothes that have been sitting, unfolded, in our bedroom for nearly 2 weeks now. But every time I get the chance to go upstairs and put them away, there's something else I "should" also be doing. Like napping... which many of you may think of as a luxury, but I find as a necessity because this mama is a better mama when she's not tired. Or emptying the dishwasher. Or calling the cable company. You see where I'm going with this, right? I feel like no matter what I do, it's never enough. I feel like there's always a hundred things on my to-do list which is so overwhelming that some days I can't even muster the energy to start crossing things off. I feel like when my husband comes home and walks into a nightmare of a house, I'm failing him. (I do have to say though, that Mike is amazing. He never calls attention to what I haven't done and steps in right away to help me out with whatever is next on our plate for the day.) And when I feel like I'm letting everyone else down, I'm letting myself down to.

I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. I always thought I'd be great at it. Turns out, I'm really not!! I need a couple days away from this house each week. While I love my home and my family more than anything..... I need time away from both. These walls feel awfully confining when you're the only adult within them 5 days per week.

In addition, there's a huge amount of pressure on me because during those 5 days, it feels like I'm responsible for everything. I'm responsible for taking care of Liana... from the simplest tasks such as feeding her to the bigger tasks such as getting her to her doctor appointments on time or finding a sitter when I have a work meeting or an appointment myself. I'm responsible for everything that comes in or goes out of this house.... groceries, bills, making telephone calls, having someone come in to fix whatever might be broken or work on whatever projects Mike and I don't have time for because of our different work schedules. For all intensive purposes, I am the manager of this household. And I get paid diddly squat.

Now, let me also say that I'm not looking for sympathy here. I'm no dummy.... I know that most mom's feel this way at one point or another. I know this isn't just me. I just wish I could stay on top of things a little bit better.

A day with 30 hours would be nice. Or not needing sleep (or as much sleep) would be nice too. The lowest common denominator of this problem is there just isn't enough time in the day for me to do all the things I'd like to do. And it drives me nuts.

So, I've been struggling lately. I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above the water some days. Thankfully, those are the days I often turn to my support systems to save me. Whether it's dropping Liana off for the afternoon to hang out with my dad while I nap, clean, or run errands; going to playgroup so Liana can interact with other kids (which I intensely enjoy!) and I can decompress with my mommy friends; or making a date with my sister or another friend to head to the mall for an hour or two.... they all save me and my sanity. They help me feel like a better mother, a better wife, and a better me.

I sincerely pray that once I'm off weekends, these feelings are resolved as Mike and I will have our weekends together to a) get stuff accomplished but also b) spend some time parenting together.  No longer will it feel like our little world is on my shoulders alone... we'll finally be able to do these things together and support each other in our responsibilities. And only two days alone with Miss Liana? Well, I can totally handle that one... in fact, I bet it'll be great for us. :)

I also think that working the other three days is going to be exceptionally good for me. It'll give me my purpose outside of the home for a few days, an environment where I can have some structure and adults-only time. I thrive on structure and when feeling that I have a professional purpose in this world.

So, that's that. Sorry if that got intense at all... but it felt really good to finally own up to my imperfections as an almost stay at home mom. ;)

In other news....

Liana was incredibly sick last week. She was miserable and I felt so badly for her! The symptoms of her cold came on Wednesday night and things were pretty bad until Saturday. She finally took a turn for the better on Saturday afternoon and today, she continues to have a runny nose but is otherwise feeling almost 100%. She's back to sleeping her regular hours (one 2-3 hour nap during the day and almost 12 hours at night) and is eating us through house and home.

Against my better judgment, I've decided to "let" Mike do one more year of coaching hockey for EGRHS. It came down to a him vs. me situation and I let him win with the understanding that this is, with absolute certainty, his final year coaching.  Next year, if he asks to do it again, I will NOT feel badly saying no. (You have it in writing!) As for this year, it boiled down to the understanding that one of us was going to be feeling disappointed and resentful... the question being which one of us would be happy with the outcome and which one of us wouldn't be. Well, I wasn't yet comfortable knowing that he'd be resentful of me all season for "making him quit", so I stepped up to the plate and offered to take one more for the team (pun intended!).  As a result, he'll be coaching three nights a week, which is a huge compromise because the team actually has stuff going on six nights each week. In return, I get to do whatever I want with the money (love it!) he makes. I know that come January, when my patience is wearing thin and the team still has two more months of the season left, things will get hairy... but we'll get through it. Because for me, knowing that "this is it!" is all I need for now.

Liana got her first power wheels this week, courtesy of Nana and Papa. If the thing didn't have a 45 lb weight limit, you bet your bottom I'd be riding that thing around the neighborhood with munchkin on my lap! She's a little nervous about it still as it does have some haul to it, but I'm hoping that she'll get comfortable soon because I can't wait to see her ride around on the thing.

We're gearing up for Halloween around the Kadzban household too... though I haven't made much headway on getting out our decorations yet. (Add that to the "I should be doing..." list. As in, "I should be putting out the decorations instead of blogging. ;) At this point, Liana is set to be a little pink bunny... and as Mike says, "Like the kid on A Christmas Story". We may decide on something else if we can ever find the time to go costume shopping together... but lets be realistic here, peeps. Plus, I've had the bunny costume hanging in our closet since early September, so it's probably our reality this year just because it's all ready and set to go. I guess we'll see though!

Finally, it's official.... we've hit the Terrible Two's. I had hoped that this stage of toddlerhood was just a myth, but in fact, it's not. Liana has thrown some mighty temper tantrums these past 2 weeks - they're actually quite impressive, which I think is safe to say came from her mommy's genetics. According to my own mother (who has not-so-gently reminded me multiple times of how I'd be an only child if Brittany hadn't have been an "accident"), I threw some impressive tantrums myself back in the day. Heck, I still throw some pretty impressive ones! ;) Thankfully we haven't experienced one of Liana's out in public yet but I'm taking advice so if you have some to dish out, now's your chance! At this point, she throws a tantrum when we take something away from her that she wants (but isn't supposed to have) or when it's time to go upstairs for her nap or bedtime. So far she's responded well to just support and love, but I'm sure that'll only last for so long. I also must admit that it's ridiculously hard not to laugh at these tantrums... I mean, really? A throw-yourself-down, hyperventilation, crocodile tears tantrum because I took away your crayon that you were just about to use all over my wall? Yeah, it's hard not to laugh sometimes. But, I'm refraining. The last thing I want is for my kid to grow up and be scarred for life because her mommy laughed at her during an emotional upheaval. So wish us luck! I have a feeling we'll need it over the next year or so when dealing with this little princess of ours! ;)

I'll close out this very long post with some of our latest pics. Enjoy, and thanks for listening to me complain about my not-so-perfect-but-yet-I'm-still-so-grateful life. :)

 9.21... Playgroup kiddos!

 Wearing a summer dress for one last time....

 "But Mom, I want to sweep the carpet!"

 Oh yes, be jealous. We've entered into the terrible two's!

 Oh how I love that sweet face.

 Liana on her slide and enjoying the beautiful fall weather!

I wake up to this every morning.... it may not be a lake, but it's the next best thing. :)