Day Three.

There's no other way to describe today other than.... weird.

Physically, I'm not in a great place. I cramped a lot today and was pretty uncomfortable at times. With it came more bleeding and more clots.... but still, not what I would consider enough for a miscarriage.

I called the doctor first thing this morning (8:45) and notified the nurse of what happened this weekend. With an "oh this poor girl" tone in her voice, she explained that the doctor was in surgery and wouldn't be in the office until 1:00. She said she'd talk to him once he got back and fill him and then call to let me know when he wanted to see me. Finally, at 4 pm, I called back myself simply because Mike needed to know how to plan for his Tuesday. After talking with the doctor she said they'd like to see me on Wednesday to do another ultrasound and see how things have progressed.

I am so thankful now that I went into that ER on Saturday. I can't even imagine how beside myself I would've been today had I "waited until Monday" like the on-call doc told me to and then got denied a visit.... the same visit that would've told me that my baby had in fact died.

Mike stayed home with me today. He's been such a rock for me these past three days. I may complain about him at times (I mean, he did ask me yesterday morning if he could play hockey last night... no joke...) but God I love that man.

Yesterday, we didn't talk about the baby. Today, we did.

Overall, I'd say that yesterday was rotten. I had company but I wasn't in a good place emotionally for company. As the day went on, I got angrier and angrier. Finally, at 6pm, I changed my mind and actually asked Mike to go to hockey. I just needed the time alone and with my thoughts. And he needed it too. He needed to get out of this house and to do something that made him feel good. I put Liana to bed and then took some time to myself. Only then, after nearly 12 hours and while posting my blog from last night, did I cry. I needed it too.

Today was just weird.

I slept fine. I woke up fine. I colored with Liana, sat around, made lunch. I felt a little dazed and confused at times, but otherwise, no dramatics on my end. (Liana? That's a different story....)

And during naptime, we talked.

I don't feel like I should repeat what Mike said he was feeling because me sharing my feelings for the world to see is very different than me sharing his feelings for the world to see. (See? I do have boundaries!) But I can tell you that he's primarily concerned about me and not as much for himself. While he was excited about our pregnancy, he wasn't yet as connected to that baby as I was. Not surprising at all seeing as the guy doesn't really get to experience the physical changes of pregnancy.

But I realized a lot today about how I'm feeling.

First of all, I'm really struggling with the whole crying aspect of things. Like I've said a few times already, I just feel numb. I want to cry, I feel like I should cry, but the tears just don't flow.

I mean, I watched Oprah today for pete's sake. An episode about a mom and dad who lost all three of their children in a car accident. Two girls and a boy. And then were given the miracle of triplets a year later. Two girls and a boy. Now any other day, I'd be bawling like a baby. But today? Stone cold and not cool.

Part of me wonders if my job has built a wall so high that my emotions can't get through. I mean, my job is to not cry. To be strong for everyone else. To see loss everyday and be the strong one. I've wondered for a long time if I was just having really good boundaries or just being cold to the gravity of it all. Now, I wonder.... do I even know how to grieve?

On Saturday night after we got home from the ER, I spoke with my friend Stephanie (who also miscarried her little one last month at 10.5 weeks) and we talked frankly about how this feels. I asked when it hit her. For her, it was after the physical aspect of it all was "done". She endured the miscarriage.... and then the meds given to induce contractions... and finally a D&C. She said that it wasn't until the physical aspect of the miscarriage was over that it finally hit her.... which I fully believe and honestly think is the same thing I'm experiencing.

Right now, I'm just thinking about the miscarriage. I'm thinking about the cramps, about the bleeding, about the doctors appointment. And when those parts are in my past and there's no distraction left, I think the emotional aspect of miscarriage will hit me. And probably like a ton of bricks.

I also realized today that a piece of Mike and I, someone we created and already loved, is someone we'll never hold. Someone that we'll never know. That child's feet will never walk this earth or pitter patter through our house. I won't feel their kicks, won't hear their voice, won't welcome them to this world. In other words, the reality of the pregnancy... or lack thereof now... hit me. Even more poignant, we have a child in heaven. Someone waiting for us. That realization is really intense. It leaves me feeling connected to my faith in a way I never have. Because quite honestly, this is the first big loss I've ever experienced. My own baby.  A part of me.

I struggled with something else today, too.

I was once that girl. The one who thought, "You weren't even that far along. You didn't even get to know your baby. Should this really be so hard?"

God, it kills me now. Because now I understand all too well. And it kills me to think that there are friends of mine out there who might be thinking what I once thought. People who don't understand why I need to put these feelings out there. People who don't understand how hard this is and how it will forever affect who I am.

I know I didn't lose a child. I'm not the mom who lost her 5 year old to cancer... her 16 year old to a car accident.... her newborn to a congenital defect. But I'm a mom who lost her baby. A baby that she already had hopes and dreams about. A baby that she was already so excited to meet and hold. I'm the mom who had a baby that never got a chance.

I struggle with putting my emotions out there for others to judge. I know it might be a consequence of sharing all of these emotions but the real reason I put this all out there is for others to understand. To understand who I am right now. To understand what I'm going through. To understand what I've lost and why this hurts so badly.

I just hope... and seriously pray... that people try to understand me and not judge me. It's the best gift anyone can give me at this point and all I can ask for.

Tomorrow, I'm on my own for the day. I'm scared to be here without Mike and for Liana to count on me for her every need right now. I made Mike promise that if he went to work, that he'd come home if I needed him. He did. So we'll see how this goes. I guess I have to stand on my own two feet at some point.... hopefully I'm ready.