Day Five.

Yes, I'm here.

But sometimes, it feels like I'm barely hanging on. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without Mike and especially, Liana. My angel baby here on Earth.

Today was, with all certainty, one of the worst days of my life. And I'm sure that the following days will include at least a few more that can be added to that list.

We had our doctors appointment this morning which was quite disappointing. No new information as our baby slowly deteriorates still in my belly. Think about that one for a second if you will... it's viciously awful.

I haven't known how to update since Monday. In all reality, I'm still numb most of the time. I lose myself and the reality of my current situation by sitting in front of the tv and focusing in on everyone else's problems.... for instance, Derek and Meredith trying to weave their way through the details of dating on Grey's Anatomy. It works for a while, but then there are moments where it just hits me.

Currently, I'm going through one of the most physically and emotionally painful times of my life.

Physically, this baby is still with me. Afternoons seem to be worse... I cramp terribly, bleed more heavily, and just find myself very uncomfortable. I never knew that miscarrying was a process that could last so long.... for some women, this goes on for weeks. The thought of that being my experience terrifies me because as much as I don't want to let me baby go, I also need to move forward. For myself, for Mike, for our families... but mostly, for Liana. It kills me that I'm having to depend on others to be here with us right now because I'm terrified of being alone with her. I worry that my body will finally decide to miscarry when it's just the two of us here and from what I've heard from other moms who have experienced this, that's less than an ideal situation. In the mean time, Mike and my mom are having to take time off from their lives and their jobs to accommodate me and when there aren't "results", I tend to feel even more angry and frustrated than I already am. It's so much less than ideal.... it's a nightmare. I just want to take care of myself and my child again without having to rely on anyone else's sacrifices to do so.

Emotionally, things continue to process.

As I said earlier, this morning was especially tough. We had our appointment with the doctor and I wasn't prepared for what I'd feel when I walked into that office again. Sitting down in the waiting room, I thought about the last time I was there; with Liana and Mike in tow, for our 8 week visit, watching Liana play at the kids table as we waited to get called back for our ultrasound. The minute they called my name and I stood up to walk to the back, I lost it. The nurse was so kind as I said to her in tears, "We were just here and everything was so good then. I can't believe how fast it all changed." She consoled me before leaving the room, at which point Mike took over.

Our doctor entered the room with a look of disappointment on his face. We talked about the harsh realities of miscarriage and about the options ahead of me. Things felt a little rushed and I know he was running behind for the day, but this was the one time I needed him the most to really sit there and talk me through everything. (It was disappointing, I won't deny it. However, I still have all the faith in him as he comes so highly recommended.) He did another ultrasound and at 11 weeks 1 day, our baby now measures 7 weeks 4 days. I was paralyzed by the reality that my baby is actually breaking down within my body... a place that was supposed to be safe for him/her. I saw on the ultrasound screen that the placenta is starting to break down also, which shows progress. However, we discussed the option of a D&C anyways.

Let me say that going into today, I was quite hesitant about the D&C. On the way to the appointment, I expressed to Mike that I'd like to let my body do this on its own. However, now I'm more on the fence.

At this point, I need you to know that I'm not looking for opinions here, so kindly keep those to yourself. I've done the research and I'm not one to make an uneducated decision, so be comforted in knowing that whatever I decide to do, it's with my needs in mind. Mike has said that he just wants me to do what I feel is best for myself and has promised me that he'll support me no matter what my decision is. He realizes that I'm the one suffering most from all of this because like I said in a previous post, he hadn't yet emotionally or physically connected to our baby while I had done both.

There are a thousand reasons behind why I'm taking the route that I am. But ultimately, we have scheduled a D&C for Monday morning. We were given the option to have it done sooner, but that would've felt too rushed and too pressured. Plus, it scares me that if I had it done before the weekend came along and then complications arose, I wouldn't be able to go to Dr. LaGrand as he's not on call this weekend. Monday is nine days after I first started bleeding, so I'm giving my body the time I hope it needs to do this on it's own. But if it doesn't, this is my backup plan and I feel safe and secure in that. For now, most importantly, I also feel peace with that decision and should that change, I can always just cancel.

After talking to our doctor and multiple mothers who have miscarried, most of whom have had a D&C for one reason or another, I decided this was the right choice for me. It allows my body the chance to do this on it's own but it also provides me with a backup plan because emotionally and physically, I just can't do this without a time line. I need closure. I need to know that I can start moving forward.

Right now, that's especially hard to do because I'm so focused on the physical aspect of miscarrying that it's been hard to focus on the emotional aspect of miscarrying. Which I'm ready to process but just can't do.

In addition, I know that either way is going to be traumatic. If I miscarry here at home, I'll always have that visualization in my mind because from what I've been told.... and I'm sorry for getting graphic here but it's the only way for anyone who hasn't experienced this to understand... it can only be described as "giving birth" to fetal tissues and a placenta while sitting on the toilet and bleeding heavily. I don't know that I can handle that moment and that image in my mind. I don't like the idea of a D&C and what it entails but I have to remind myself that my baby is gone... it's only the tissues that remain. And I feel safe with the doctors there so if anything goes wrong, I'm in good hands. Because ultimately, the only thing that matters is that Liana's mommy comes home to her.

There are risks with both options. So, I'm putting it in God's hands until Monday because I need to get back to normalcy... back to my life, back to my daughter, back to work.

So, there it is. Our plan at this moment. It could all change in an instant and I'm okay with that.

As for yesterday, I didn't cry at all... until 10pm. When I finally decided to stop distracting myself and sit down to finish my Belly Book for Baby #2.... 31 weeks too early.

I thought about just throwing it away, but that didn't feel right. This baby was mine. He/she will always be a part of me. He/she deserves to have a belly book as just one memento to remember them by. So I printed off my belly pictures. Glued the ultrasound picture in there.
 Printed off the last few days of posts from this blog to add into it. And as I looked at it once it was done, I lost it. So many hopes and dreams were lost when that baby died. I looked at all the empty pages that I won't be able to complete and just cried. Mike heard me from the living room where he was working and came to sit with me. We cried together.

The grief really does sneak up on you sometimes. I know this is fresh, but I still have a hard time believing just how intense it is and how a single thought can bring you to your knees.

Usually, a pregnancy ends with a baby in your arms. My pregnancy is over but my arms are empty and that aches to my core. I have Liana and Mike... who are my everything... but I feel like a part of my heart is just empty for that child and what would have been.

So, that's where I'm at today.

Please pray that my decisions are best for me and my family and that if they aren't, God intervenes.