Sunshine with a chance of clouds.

I'm not sure why, but tonight I'm feeling horribly anxious.

Maybe it has something to do with leaving Liana at my parents for the night. It's not that I worry about her.... it's just that I miss her when she's away from me. Now more than ever.

But more than likely, it probably has to do with the gray cloud that looms in front of my sunshine every once in a while.

Let's be honest here.... 95% of the time, I'm doing okay. I cried yesterday for a brief moment and I cried Monday night in an all-out sob but not just because of my loss.... because of their loss too.

95% of the time, I accept what's happened. 95% of the time, I feel like it happened forever ago and not just nineteen days ago. 95% of the time, I feel like I'm successfully moving forward.

But that other 5% of the time, I'm angry, sad, anxious, frustrated and confused.

And it seems that when one of those emotions is more prominent than another, it runs deep into my core. Sometimes it lasts for hours, sometimes for moments... but either way, it paralyzes me for as long as it lingers around.

I accept the loss of that baby. I accept the loss of that pregnancy. But the reminders... those are what kill me. Every reminder brings it to the surface again. I've tried to avoid certain reminders but there are some that I have no control over. I think those reminders are God's way of making me remember.

I just miss what "should" have been. I'm incredibly jealous of my friends who are 12,13,14 weeks pregnant and experiencing the things I "should" be experiencing. I see the ultrasound pics and I want that to be my baby on that screen. I see the belly pics and I want it to be my belly that's being shared with the world. I miss the feeling of having my baby within me because right now, my body feels like a room with a "vacancy" sign hanging on the front door.

I've never come out of a pregnancy with empty arms. It's an incredibly lonely feeling and a rotten ending to something that I had hoped would be so amazing. It's something I never expected to experience.

I know many of you are wondering when we'll start "trying" again. Well, I'm not quite sure yet. The planner in me wants to wait a few months because I'm not crazy about being 7 or 8 months pregnant throughout the hottest months of the year. But there's another part of me that says, "You planned with the last baby and look how that turned out. Let God decide and just take the leap."

My only concern with that is that we seem to get pregnant so easily. A terrible problem, I know. (That last statement was purely sarcastic, just so you know.)

And, I don't know that I feel right about getting pregnant again right away. I feel like that would be saying that this last baby wasn't important and can just be replaced. They can't. That baby left me with a hole that cannot be filled by anyone else.

I still miss that baby every.single.day.

Physically, I think we could get pregnant anytime. I haven't had a non-miscarriage related period yet, but my body has a way of telling me things and I think it's screaming "I'm ready!".

Emotionally, I just don't know that I'm ready.

So I hope that cures your curiosity. I think it helps to answer my own. (It's amazing what writing these feelings down does for me. Hello, moments of clarity.)

In less depressing news:

Liana is amazing. That little girl is my saving grace right now. She's into everything, like always, and her need for independence is causing this mama to have some mini heart attacks. Like, for example, Sunday night when she was desperately trying to get away from me on our bed and in the process fell off and landed on her head and neck. She gets smarter every day, like today when we were watching Baby Einstein and a picture of a table came onto the screen and before they introduced it, she said "table" all too clearly and then showed me how to say it in sign language. (Who says you can't learn anything from tv anyways?!) She's got a serious attitude at times but her sweetness wins out every time. The bottom line? I love the kid. She is my world.

The Kadzban's are keeping busy. Mike and I are both working full time this week which has been quite interesting. He's officially done with week #2 of coaching.... only four more months to go!!!! Next week I start my new schedule which will be Wed, Thur, and Fri every week. So far, I'm loving the change but it'll be interesting to see if that changes as I'm not quite off my "orientation" yet. And I can't even tell you how excited I am about being free from the weekend shift.... as much as I miss my coworkers and that position already, the freedom of having my weekend days back is amazing. This weekend, I have a baby shower (that I can actually go to!!!!) and next weekend, I'm thinking about taking a day trip with Mike to Birch Run. We're both so excited about actually being able to do these kinds of things together from here on out. :)

I love my friends. And I love our family. So that's always good.

So yes, the sunshine is definitely there and I promise, the clouds only come every once in a while.

And now, the CMA's, my husband, and some ice cream is calling my name.