A new path.

So as you know, Monday was a pretty tough day.

Yesterday, I had distractions. Good distractions. I worked all day in preparation to make the switch to my new role at SHH... case management social worker for our "northern" territory. Granted, this was only day #1 of learning this new role, but I find myself excited. I can't tell you how nice it was to have a scheduled day and not wonder when my pager is going to go off next or what crisis I might walk into.

I also can't tell you just how much I'm going to miss my weekend position. I'm going to miss the hospital because the things you see and experience there can't be found anywhere else. I'm going to miss my team... there's only a few of us on the "weekend option" and I feel like we're a puzzle that fits perfectly together because most of us have worked together for so long. Yes, we drive each other nuts at times, but I can honestly say that I'm going to miss everyone I've worked with for the past 25 months. I'm going to miss the freedom and independence of setting my own schedule (for the most part) and not knowing where my day might take me next. I'm especially going to miss the pay because working 2 days a week and getting paid for 4 is amazing. I'm going to miss the fact that I didn't have to rely on anyone else to take care of Liana while I worked because Mike was always there when I wasn't... and now, I'm having to count on others to care for the most important person in the world to me.

Yes, I'm going to miss weekend option. Sometimes I seriously wonder if I'll regret leaving it. But then I look at Liana and Mike and I realize just how much I miss having time with both of them. How much I miss my husband. How much I miss being able to go to Sunday morning mass or to the mall with my family. I realize how many moments we'll be able to share together instead of apart. How much I want to be able to coparent instead of feeling like a single parent most of the time. And when I think about all those things, I realize it'll all be worth it.

This Saturday is my final day on weekend option. Honestly, it felt like it would never come. Now that it's here, I'm not sure how I feel.... excited and scared. But Sunday, when I wake up and realize I have no work responsibilities, I'm sure the excitement will take over.

Next week should be a busy week around here. I'll be training full time and working 4-10 hour days. Mike has started his coaching season and already, I'm not loving it. Remind me again why I caved for one more year?! It's tricky balancing the whole "working mother" thing... especially when he's busy with hockey and can't help too much. But once tryouts slow down and the regular season starts, I hope that we find a more natural flow to things.

I'm feeling quite anxious these days. Most days, the pervasive question in my mind is, "Why me? Why my pregnancy? Why my baby?".

I was talking with Ashley about this yesterday because for the first time, I felt really angry with God on Monday. Throughout this loss, I've felt lots of anger but it was never really directed at anyone in particular. But Monday was different. Ashley, who's in her own high risk pregnancy with twins and 23 weeks today, comforted me. We talked about how someday, when we walk through those gates of Heaven, we'll have a sit-down conversation and hope that He gives us some answers. But in reality, I already know two of these answers.

First, I think God wanted to make me a better mother. Now granted, I'm not the best mom I can be right now. But I can tell you one thing.... I'm more thankful for Liana than I ever have been. I look at her as a miracle. My miracle. I think about how much I love her and how I can't imagine never having known her.... like I'll never know the baby we lost just a few short days ago. And when you're thankful for your child.... really, truly, thankful to your core for your child.... you love them more. You love them deeply. More deeply than you ever thought you could.

And I'm certain that this kind of love doesn't come without a price. I think that baby was our price.

I know that with our next pregnancy, I'll be less cautious, less hesitant, less nervous about having another child. I'll be more excited, more joyful, more comfortable with the idea of having two. Because the alternative isn't what I want. I was really scared about adding to our family for those first 8 weeks. I was scared about having two kids depend on me for their every need. I was worried about how Liana would adjust to the transition of having to share her attention. And I wasn't looking forward to the aches, pains, and sleepless nights again. But no more. I know now how much of a blessing a happy, healthy pregnancy and a happy, healthy baby truly is. I know that it shouldn't be taken for granted. I know that it can happen to me so when it doesn't, I'll be relieved beyond words.

My next pregnancy, should I be so lucky, will be different. There won't be room for fear... only excitement. Only joy.

Second, I think God wanted to show me that I'm not indestructible. That life isn't all sunshine and roses... because lets be honest, my life has been blessed. I think that He felt I needed a reality check... and maybe I did. I wish it hadn't come in the form of losing my child, but that was His decision. I hope someday He tells me why this became a part of my story and I hope that I continue to learn from the lesson He's trying to teach me.

As I walk this path I've been put on, I'm trying to soak in the new scenery. Understand my new surroundings. Thankfully, Mike and Liana are walking this path with me as are many of our friends and family members. But no matter what, I know one thing.... this event has changed me. It's changed my story forever. It'll always be a part of me and if I must go through this, I wouldn't want that to be any other way.

I guess sometimes the ground can shift beneath your feet. Sometimes your footing slips and you stumble. And sometimes, you grab what's closest to you and hold on as tight as you can.