This rollercoaster I'm on.

It's amazing how some days you feel like you're on top of the world and then there are days where you feel like there's only one way to go: up.

Currently, I'm somewhere in the middle. I've had a few "top of the world" days recently which have felt nothing short of wonderful. I'm in love with this life that I have.... a wonderful husband; a beautiful, perfect, and healthy daughter; a home that's everything we could ask for and more; a job that many people would kill for; a family that is supportive beyond my wildest dreams; and friends who are there for me when I need them.

But, I'm a perfectionist and I don't often deal well with the unknown. So I'm always seeking more of the good stuff. More answers. More certainty.

There have been days these last few months that have been quite rough. I find myself crying over seemingly nothing. I find myself anxious over just about everything. I feel unsettled and uncertain. Typing those words even makes me cry.

I've been taking refuge in my nightly prayers lately. There's just so much going on around me. So many unknowns.... so many little kiddos in this small world of mine that have stuff going on, so many mama's feeling scared & anxious right along with me. Those prayers are often what I find myself holding on to most... because I can't control what happens in this world, but I can ask God to lead us through it.

I find myself hating facebook because right now, I want to seclude myself in this world of mine but all too often I hear of something online that just rattles me to my core. What did we do before the days of facebook? Well, I'd bet that everyone slept a little better because they weren't constantly being confronted with the struggles that others were currently facing.

(Sidenote: Sometimes, I really wish I could just NOT empathize with others pain. Unfortunately, my heart doesn't work that way.....)

Like: Mama's losing their babies at 28 weeks. Or at birth. Mama's whose kids are battling something I can't even imagine, like cancer. Or premature birth and all the difficulties that come along with that. People losing their lives when they've barely gotten a chance to live them. It just shakes me. It makes me feel thankful, blessed, and scared to death all at the same time.

I'm also acutely aware that a lot of my anxiety right now surrounds the fact that May is quickly approaching.

Part of me feels ridiculous for still mourning the loss of that pregnancy. Part of me feels ridiculous for thinking, "I would've been 36 weeks pregnant right now" when I lost that baby six months ago at 10 weeks. How has so much time passed already?

Maybe the better question is: How did I become so attached to a baby that I had only "known" for 6 weeks?

But no matter what else I have to look forward to these days (which is definitely a lot!), I still dread May. I'm not ready for it. I'm ready for June and everything thereafter... but not May. The thought of May is somehow still paralyzing to me.

Babies who would've been just a few weeks older than my baby are now being born. What a bittersweet reminder they are to me. I'm so happy for the joy their mama's are experiencing, but it's still hard to see them and not think about the baby we would've been welcoming into the world just a few short weeks from now. Seeing those babies would have made me even more excited for our quickly approaching "big day" but instead, it just makes me feel sad because I know that we won't get to welcome that baby into the world.

God doesn't make mistakes.... this I know. This loss was for a reason... or at least that's what I keep trying to remind myself of.  I just wish that knowing the loss was for a reason was more comforting to me.

I pray that these next few weeks go by without a hitch. I pray that I find some comfort come May 17th. I pray that my anxiety about life and all that it entails becomes lessened. I pray that I find comfort in His plan for me, whatever that plan includes.

Most of all, I pray that I don't hit the lowest of lows on this rollercoaster I call life again for a long, long time. My heart needs a vacation that includes nothing but good news and sunny skies for those I hold close to my heart.

Sorry for the sad post... I'll try to keep the next one a little more upbeat. Promise. <3