Bittersweet.

Today is May 10th....

And while I thought May 17th would be the hardest day of the month for me, I realized this weekend that it was going to be today instead.

Because today, I would've been 39 weeks pregnant and having a c-section to welcome our baby into the world.

Liana was born vaginally but her birth was a difficult one... and my recovery lasted nearly a year. Truth be told. So it's already been *mostly* decided that our next baby will have to be born via c-section to prevent any further damage. And Dr. LaGrand feels that 39 weeks is just enough time for our little one to "cook".... which means had things been different, I would've been holding my second child in my arms today.

There's so much that's bittersweet about that thought.

First, the "bitter" part comes in that it STILL makes me sad to think about what might have been. I STILL wonder if I did something to cause that miscarriage (though my head tells me better). I STILL wonder what that baby would've been like. I STILL think it would've been great to be on maternity leave throughout the summer. I STILL think about the fact that Liana would now be an official big sister and our house would have another little person living in it.

The "sweet" part of that comes in knowing that I'm now carrying another baby - a baby that wouldn't have been a part of us if it weren't for losing that baby. That we get more time as a family of three before becoming a family of four. That Liana gets an extra 25 weeks of not having to share her mommy and daddy with a little brother/sister... something she obviously needs right now as she's been incredibly clingy lately. And taking into consideration what's going on in my life right now..... my house is currently in remodel mode and my family is experiencing some devastating emotional blows (more to come on that in a later post)... I can't imagine being 39 weeks pregnant right now or holding a newborn while dealing with all of this.

I still struggle as to why this is still so hard. Like I said in my last post.... how did I get so attached to a little person I never met and only knew about for 6 weeks? Why can't I just move forward and focus on what I do have? While some weeks go by and I barely think about it, there are days where it just feels like the elephant in the room. Unfortunately for me though, I'm the only one that seems to know the elephant is still there. Everyone else sees it as a thing of the past but for me, it's still very much a part of my present.

I feel hopeful that as these past nine months wind down and we move forward into the end of May and June, I will find closure. Peace. Understanding. More joy.

I'm eagerly looking forward to June 13th.... the day we find out what this little one I'm currently holding under my heart is. Boy or Girl? Well, my guess is on girl. However, my husband would love a little boy to share his love for hockey with and for that reason, I'll be happy with whatever God decides to bless us with.

It's been a hard road these last 6 months. I've had a hard time bonding with this baby but with each passing day I find myself more excited for what's to come. I notice myself looking at my bump and wondering what this new little person will be like.... just as I did with our last baby. I eagerly await the kicks, pokes, and jabs he/she will have to offer. As I approach 15 weeks on Thursday, I feel mostly out of the woods. I know the unfortunate truth that things can go wrong at any point but at this point, I find comfort in knowing that something happening is highly unlikely. 

So excuse me if my head seems to be in the clouds these next few weeks.... I'm still sorting through everything and trying to wrap my brain around all that's happened.

I'll leave you with this.... regardless of what's going on in my life and what hardships I have faced or will face in these coming months, I'm thankful. For the blessings He has bestowed upon Mike and I. For the incredible support I have. For this baby I now carry. And I know that someday, this crazy life will all make perfect sense. In the mean time, we must continue walking the path He sets before us because it is our life and I do believe that there's a reason for everything. <3