Four weeks.

Wow, I can barely believe it's been four weeks already since we lost our baby.

And people were right.... the pain hasn't gone away.

I've actually been having a harder time this past week than I was having immediately after it happened. I'm sure that's because the reality is finally setting in.... so many of my friends are pregnant right now and I'm terribly jealous of everything they're getting to experience. I know my day will come again (I started my first regular period yesterday... exactly on the four week mark of finding out our baby was gone) and I'm craving pregnancy. I'm craving the excitement, the joy, the preparation. But at the same time, I know I'm not quite ready. It's a tough balance.

Some days, I only think about it a handful of times. Other days, it hits me like a brick wall all over again and it's all I can do not to think about it every.single.minute. Those bad days feel paralyzing. They make me scrunch my nose while in a meeting.... because if you know me, you know that scrunching my nose is the only thing that keeps the tears from coming.... or while in the car listening to a song that reminds me of the pain I feel from this, after I've gotten an email from someone I love, or while watching something on tv.

On those bad days, I get really angry. It seems that this anger is my strongest coping mechanism when dealing with this loss as I feel it often. I'm angry because this isn't fair. Because I deserve to have my baby just as much as all my friends deserve to have their babies... but for some reason, I don't.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. This sucks.

I know this rollercoaster ride we call life will take me to the top again. I pray that Mike and I won't have to endure this pain again. I pray that our next pregnancy will be happy and healthy and our baby will come out as perfect as Liana did.

But for now.... we wait. Until the time feels right. Until we're reassured. Until we're holding a new baby in our arms and we fully realize that our life wouldn't have been complete without them... and that in order to get to that point, we had to go through this point.

About two weeks ago, Mike forwarded me this email that he received from a coworker of his at Meijer. He barely even knows her, but yet she felt the need to send this along when she heard about us losing the baby.

I heard that you lost your baby…I’m very sorry. 

We lost a baby before we had our second daughter as well, and while this probably doesn’t help now…when you see and hold your next baby, you’ll understand that, for whatever reason,  your lives just wouldn’t be the same without him/her. 

I look at Sophie and think ‘I know that I would’ve loved the child that I lost’, but there is simply NO way my life would be complete without HER…she is just what we NEEDED, I guess.

Take it easy…give your wife a hug for me…from one Mom to another…

These words help to heal this heart of mine. They give me so much hope for the future and what's still to come.

In the mean time, I'll try to keep the faith.