Not the post I was hoping for....

It's 6 am. I woke up 30 minutes ago, instantly angry. Because this is NOT the post I had intended to write.

For days I've been saying, "I gotta post about our exciting news!". For weeks I've been wanting to, but didn't want to jump the gun too fast.

And then yesterday, it all changed. Literally, in minutes.

Let's start from the beginning.

September 6th... 
Woke up on Labor Day morning after weeks of anticipation to take the pregnancy test. Mike and I had tried for this baby through all of August and honest to God, found out that "trying" isn't very much fun. So we both prayed that we'd get it right the first time around... especially seeing as getting pregnant with Liana was the perfect mistake. After two failed tests in the weeks prior (I just couldn't wait....), that line popped up the moment I put that stick down on the counter. I eagerly jumped back into bed with my husband and shared those amazing words, "Guess what?! We're pregnant!" and swelled with joy when I saw the smile on his face. Our family of three was now a family of four.

September 29...
At 7 weeks, I open my email to announce to my playgroup mama's that we're pregnant. Instead, I'm welcomed by an email from one of the mama's, Stephanie, stating that at 10.5 weeks, she just lost her baby. I'm stunned. And now, cautious. With Liana, I screamed the pregnancy from the rooftops the moment I could. With this baby, I waited with caution. Ironic for so many reasons.

October 4th...
Our first prenatal appt with Dr. LaGrand. I saw our baby's flickering heartbeat... a strong one at 156 bpm. He said those magic words that made me feel good. It was something along the lines of, "With a strong heartbeat at 8 weeks, there's less than a 1% chance anything will go wrong from this point forward." Finally, I allowed myself to feel the excitement and throw some caution to the wind.

October 18.... 
Finally, after weeks of anticipation to share our news, I decide it's time to shout it from the rooftops. On facebook, that is. What joy it was to share with my friends once and for all... and to get such an overwhelming response.

October 21st...
I found some black blood in my underpants, but just a very small amount, while spending the day at Ashley's. It didn't concern me... I knew some bleeding was normal and the blood was obviously old. I didn't find anymore throughout the day or throughout Friday. No biggie right? Wrong....

October 23...
My typical Saturday morning. Get up, get ready for work. Have a donut, blow dry my hair.... you know, the usual. At 8:15, I noticed some cramping but it went away instantly. I chalked it up to "growing pains" and continued on. Within 15 minutes, I felt moisture. I sat down on the toilet and wiped to find blood. More than what should be there. And from there, the freakout occurs. I called the doctor on call (because it's just my luck that this happens on the weekend... when I'm working but no one else is!) and she said "Unless you're bleeding profusely, I won't send you to the ER. But you shouldn't work a 12 today... try only doing five or six hours if possible." I take it in. Then I call Kate, my favorite PA. And my mom. And Liz at work. They all know instantly what's going on. We wait. I get an email from my manager at work saying that she doesn't want me to even think about work and that I have the whole weekend off if I need it. I spoke with Liz again who sternly stated, "Stop worrying about us and worry about yourself. We'll make do. Now go lay down and stay there." I did.

I followed the doctor's advice and prayed it would just go away.

It didn't.

I wasn't bleeding heavily.... just every time I wiped or bent over (TMI? Sorry. Don't you know by now that I'm an open book?). Finally, around 2pm, I called Ashley to tell her what was going on as I had began cramping more and more and was still bleeding. I hadn't wanted to worry her and Erik seeing as they have their own high risk pregnancy going on but I'm so glad I did. Ash told me that I needed to go to the ER and that it wasn't fair to wait until Monday to find out what was going on. With a not-so-little-but-much-needed nudge, Mike and I went. At 3:45 they brought us into our room at the ER... it all went down hill from there.

At 4:30, the attending and the resident brought in the ultrasound machine with a warning, "This is a new machine but it might not be able to see what we need it to see because you're only 11 weeks along." The resident shoved that thing so far into my stomach it left red marks. I saw our baby... but no heartbeat. Then the attending took over. He was gentler (which was much appreciated) but couldn't find anything on the screen. So, to the pelvic ultrasound we went.

5:00. Christine (who was so sweet) entered our room. She did an external ultrasound and again, we saw the baby. No heartbeat. But she felt that it was important to get a better picture, so she showed me the ropes of the pelvic ultrasound. I went to the bathroom before we started and I just prayed while sitting on that toilet... "God, please let this baby be okay. Let this all be one big mistake."

We did it. No heartbeat. I asked her and she verified. "The doctor has to read it for certainty, but I don't see a heartbeat and the baby only measures at about 8 weeks."

Tears streamed down my face as I layed there, looking at the ugly ER ceiling.

She apologized so sincerely and left. And then they could've heard me crying from the halls. I'm sure of it.

It hit us. Me and Mike. Our baby was gone. Along with it, our hopes and our excitement for our new "family to be".

We sat there and both cried for an eternity. Well, an hour, but it felt like an eternity. Mike kept apologizing but this was his baby too. We both said how surreal it all felt.... I mean, things like this don't happen to us. We've always felt so blessed (I know we still are...) and so fortunate when it comes to fertility and pregnancy issues. He held me as I sobbed and when I looked up, his eyes were red too.

Finally around 6pm, the resident came back in with the bad news. No heartbeat and they believe our baby died at 8 weeks... just after that ultrasound in which everything looked so good. I asked what was next and his response was a "wait and see" answer. I asked him to get me out of the ER as quickly as possible.... I just wanted to be home.

At 6:45, as we were walking out the door, the attending stopped us in the hall. He voiced his concerns over the fact that I lost the baby almost three weeks ago but showed no physical signs of miscarriage until today. He said that he almost felt like I should stay overnight to be monitored but that if I really wanted to go home, he'd let me. I really wanted to go home. He told me to call Dr. LaGrand first thing Monday morning and get in there to see what's left inside me. If I haven't miscarried fully within the next few days, he said they'd likely have to do a D&C.... something I really hope to avoid.

We drove home in silence. Actually, we drove home to the sound of texts going off, one after another. I couldn't make that phone call so everyone closest to us got a text. And many "I'm so sorry Haley's..." followed.

God, it feels good to be loved by such amazing friends. Thank you for that.

And here we are. October 24th....
Last night, I was numb. I had cried. I had a headache from all the crying. I was tired and worn. After my sister left, I went to bed. It was 9:30.

I slept hard. And then 5:30 hit.

I woke up this morning instantly angry. Thinking, "this was all just a bad dream, right?" and then I notice the pad in my underwear. The pad that still isn't wet from the lack of blood coming out of my body. (Lovely, right? Don't worry, I think so too.)

Not everyone would post their most intimate feelings here on the internet, for anyone to see. I know that. But, I'm not everyone. I'm an open book and always have been. Quite honestly, I get so much support from facebook and this blog that I'd rather have the support than hold this all inside. And I'd rather talk about it online than in person because, well, in person sucks and makes me cry.

(Note... that doesn't mean you can't ask, or that I don't want you to ask... but I just don't want to tell this story 100x over the next few weeks and months.)

I checked my facebook and again, an overwhelming response. So much love and so much support wrapped up on one little URL. I cried. Quietly as to not wake Mike or Liana.

So here's where I'm at right.now.

I'm pissed.

Because I should be celebrating the transition to maternity clothes... and instead I have to put them away again.

Because I was so flipping excited for a May baby. The whole summer off? Perfect. Having him/her be 6 months by cold and flu season, when they can get their vaccinations? Perfect. To be due the same week as Jessie and JJ? So fun. I had prepared for May. Hoped for May. Celebrated for May. And now, nothing. It's just gone. May might very well be the suckiest month of 2011 for me. We'll wait and see.

Because I don't know what these next few days or weeks are going to hold. I'm scared of the physical aspects of miscarrying. I'm scared that I won't do this naturally and they'll have to do the D&C. I'm scared that this might affect my fertility.

Because I never thought that this would happen to me. It shouldn't happen to anyone. I was naive. And there's no reason it shouldn't happen to me... why not me? But you know what? This SUCKS.

Because I was elated at the thought of finding out whether we were having a boy or girl at Christmas time. And I was elated at the thought of sitting next to Kate and Ashley's hospital beds, when they give birth in January, with a belly of my own and my own reason to be excited for what they'll be experiencing at that moment.

Because God is reminding me that I'm not in control... which I tend to want to be. We all know it's true. And He showed me that my plan isn't necessarily His plan. I hate that, I won't lie. Why couldn't we have been on the same page God?

I'm sure there are plenty more things that will come to light within the next few days.

You know how they say hindsight is always 20/20? Well, it's so true.

I know now why it took me so long to bond with this baby. I thought I was just me being cautious at the time after Stephanie went through what she did. Now, I feel like it might have been one way God was protecting me from the hurt. But still, I'm hurt. The past 2 weeks were ones of bonding for me and our baby.... I was so sure that I was "rounding" out and would have to make the transition to maternity clothes here soon. I fell in love with Liana coming up to my belly, pulling my shirt up and pointing when Mike would say, "Mommy's got a baby in her belly!". I was starting to cradle that belly in my hands throughout the day.... the universal sign for "I'm pregnant and can't wait to feel this little one's kicks."

And while I was bonding, our baby had already died. It kills me.

I now know why I had no morning sickness, no nausea, no extreme exhaustion. With Liana, this all came on at 8 weeks. With this baby, nothing. I kept thinking, "Can I really get this lucky?". Nope, guess not.

And because of the lack of exhaustion or nausea, I was CERTAIN that we were having a boy. I started lists of names. I told Mike that I thought he'd finally be getting his little hockey player. I was so nervous to have a boy, but so excited for Mike.

With Liana, I couldn't wait to scream the news of our pregnancy from the rooftops. Kate had the same reaction with Lily and her baby #2. She mentioned several times how much it surprised her that I had kept our secret for so long and that she didn't know how I did it. Now, I wonder if I should have shared earlier. I wonder if something was wrong all along and that's why I didn't share.... because deep down, I already knew.

At this point, that's all I have. Please keep us in your thoughts this week as I know it's going to be hell around the Kadzban household. Please pray that this miscarriage will take care of itself and that I won't have to endure much more. Please pray that Liana stays happy and healthy and that Mike knows how to best support me and vice versa.

I'll let you know more when I do.