Update.

It's been three months since I last wrote.

Things have been busy.

There's been lots of ups and a few downs.

Many times I've found myself driving around and thinking of the next blog post I need/want to write. I even commit to doing so in my head. But by the time I end up back at home, get the kids in bed, and sit down in front of my computer, I have nothing left to give so I lose myself in Facebook instead.

Plus, therapy has been critical in getting a lot of my thoughts and feelings off my chest so I haven't felt a strong need to share them here. I know many people would appreciate knowing where I'm at with this SUPER crazy life of mine, but sometimes I just gotta put myself first. I know you all understand. :)

But, here's a long overdue update.

First things first....

Today would-have-been-but-kind-of-still-is my parents 34th anniversary.

Brittany and I have been planning for months to spend this day with our mom because we just didn't think it would be fair for her to spend it alone. While I wasn't sure whether she'd be feeling up or down today, I was happy to find her in great spirits this morning when I arrived at her house. After my conversation with her yesterday I kind of had a feeling that would be the case as we talked about how much better our lives are without him in it.

Of course there's a part of us that misses him.

There was a good side to him but overall, he made our lives hard. The way in which he could be cruel, controlling, unpredictable and manipulative always left us feeling like "What's next?" We walked on eggshells and went out of our way to make life easier for him in the hopes that it would make life easier for us. (It rarely did.)

But life is easier without him in it.

We didn't do anything too significant.... went to the Grandville Fall Harvest Fest, Costco, hung out and then rented a movie. But it was just the three of us and we had a good time. We laughed and made fun of each other (maybe a little too much!).

I didn't have to worry about what he would do/say to upset her. He always had a knack for ruining special days. It was kind of his "thing".

There were no tears shed. Just laughter.

I hope that maybe every year on this date we can come together, just the three of us. Make it a new tradition. Focus again on what we've gained from this disaster rather than what it's done to us. Focus on who we DO have rather than on who we DON'T have.

Next up:

Yesterday.

Yesterday morning my mom and I went downtown for another court hearing.

It's kind of sad that this is becoming one of our "things to do together."

This hearing was for the divorce. We're now up to seeing three different judges for three different but interrelated issues. Judge Quist for the divorce. Judge Lieber for the criminal trial. And now Judge Redford for the civil suit (I'm still not sure if it's technically a civil suit but that's the best way I know to describe it.)

Let first say.... I LOVE JUDGE REDFORD. Vote for him. Forever. He's amazing and a GOOD man. I had to stop myself from running up to his bench and giving him a hug after this hearing. Honest.

Essentially what's been going on is this: my dad's an asshole. There, I said it. He's doing everything in his power to make this divorce as difficult as possible and he's spending thousands and thousands of dollars while at it. Keep in mind that the man will likely spend the rest of his life in prison and won't actually benefit from anything he gets because the state will take most of it for his expenses within the prison system. So basically he's just trying to spend the money so that my mom doesn't get it. Yep, asshole.

Meanwhile, Judge Quist isn't all that helpful and he's pretty unpredictable. We don't feel safe leaving the terms of the divorce in his hands after he's made some pretty surprising (and we feel unreasonable) decisions regarding this case. It seems like this divorce case should have been black and white after what happened on February 15th but no, Judge Quist hasn't seen it that way.

So, yesterday was a step forward to take matters out of Judge Quist's hands. At least for the most part. Yesterday was a "summary deposition" hearing in which information was presented to Judge Redford in terms of the attack. My mom and her attorney are asking that Judge Redford award a portion of the marital estate to her for the pain and suffering she endured at the hands of my father. This way, she'll likely get more than only 50% of the estate. Hopefully, much more as we all feel that my dad deserves little to nothing at this point. And in all honesty, we're a bit scared as to what he could/would do with any money that's left to him.

The hearing went really well. I remember looking at the gorgeous pink, purple and blue morning sky while driving to my mom's house yesterday and thinking to myself, "This is a sign from God. Today's going to go in our favor." And it did. :)

Judge Redford ripped my dad's attorney apart. Words such as "merciless beating" were used. This is the first time I've heard a judge take such a stance and use such powerful words when describing the attack. Seeing the look on my mom's face as she heard these words was so rewarding... finally, someone within this legal system besides her own attorney was showing her some compassion and heart.

And then he judged in favor of "the plaintiff" meaning that in another month or two, we'll be going for another court date to determine what her compensation for pain and suffering will be. I really pray he just gives her everything. Not because I don't want my dad to have anything, but again, because I'm scared of what he might do with whatever he's awarded. I used to think I knew what he was capable of... no more.

November and December are going to be busy months for my mom and our family. The criminal trial is set to begin December 2nd and we are incredibly (but cautiously) hopeful that this divorce will be final before December 31st. If you feel inclined to pray for my family, please pray that things move through the system quickly, efficiently, and that this is the case.

Finally:

How am I doing, you ask?

Well, that's a loaded question.

For the most part, I'm actually doing okay. I credit this to therapy. My therapist, Cindy, has taught me some incredible coping skills and I feel like I can see clearly a great majority of the time. I've also learned so much about myself in the process.

However, I do still have some hard times. They're usually short-lived and fleeting, but they definitely pop up once or twice a day, usually when I'm in the car alone. In these moments I miss my dad and the person that he once was. I find myself sad over the fact that I don't have a "dad" anymore. I think about him in his jail cell and I wonder how he's doing, what he's doing, what he's thinking. I find myself trying to figure out how he can hate us so much when all we ever tried to do was love and take care of him. Sometimes I go to the dark place of "what ifs?" and think about how this could have ended so differently. Sometimes I want to see him... I want to walk into that house and just watch TV with him again... I want to watch him read the kids books or sit with them in his chair like he used to.  I want to see him beam with pride and smile from ear to ear when he looks at them.

But I don't allow those moments to stick around for more than a few minutes. They just hurt too much so I push them out of sight and out of mind.

I was having nightmares a lot. They were happening just about every night for a while but now have calmed down a bit.

I'm eager to get this show on the road but at the same time, I know it's going to be emotional hell. I haven't seen my father's face in months and I haven't seen him in person since March 23rd. Yesterday in court, we realized once we got into the courtroom that there were no monitors to teleconference him in and other jail inmates were in a holding cell waiting for sentencing. Sheer panic struck both my mom and I when we realized that he might actually be present in the courtroom with us. My anxiety skyrocketed and it felt like I was going to have a panic attack. It scares me to be in the same room with him. Not so much because I think he's going to do something but because of the way he looks at us. Filled with absolute, pure hatred. No matter how hard we try, he still has that hold over us.

And with that, I'm done.

I'm going to try really hard to have some more positive updates soon.... the kids are at such a fun point right now and I'm just so in love with them (even in spite of their attitudes at times!). Even in the darkest of times they push me forward and light the way for their mama.What a blessing they are to me. :)