A whole lot of nothing and a little bit of something. :)

Well I don't really have much to update on, but I feel the need to do so anyways. So lets see what magic I can pull out of this hat of mine. ;)

This weekend was wonderful. We took Liana to Gymboree Play & Music on Saturday morning for the first time and I think all three of us had smile lines by the time we left. Liana was in awe of the colors, the fun equipment to play on, the singing, dancing, and pretend play. Our little girl was the only little girl in a class full of boys... and boy did she hold her own! Initially she was a little shy, but by the end of the class she was playing with anyone that would come close enough. She loves to dance, so the sing a longs were definitely her favorite, and she also loved playing with the "special" bubbles. (Did you know that there's such a thing as sugar bubbles? And they don't pop?!) Mike and I both got to do these activities with her and it was such a moment of bonding for both of us to be able to watch our little girl blossom in a new environment, right in front of us. Most importantly though, we were both there.

I knew I needed to be off weekends for a while, but it's moments like this that solidify in my mind just how much a job change was needed. We've never been able to do things like this together. And to see my husband be Liana's daddy... well that's priceless. And I believe he'd say the same for me. It just feels so right to know that we're able to do things like this with our little girl and not have to trade her off anymore. She's got two parents on the weekends now.... and I can tell she's a happier child for it.

What a gift.

Saturday afternoon was kept quite low key. All three of us took a nice, long nap and just laid low.

Sunday morning, we got up with the intentions of going to church but didn't quite make it. It seems like no matter how hard we try, we're packing up to get out the door at 10:10 when Mass starts at 10:30 and it's a 20 min drive. While I wouldn't feel guilty about just Mike and I getting there, I can't expect Liana to walk into a building full of people and be quiet from the get-go. I really hope that Mike and I can get our acts together so that we feel like a part of our church community again. If not for ourselves, for our child(ren).

Sunday afternoon, we went to Grandpa & Grandma Kadzban's to celebrate Grandpa's 78th birthday. I love getting together with the Kadzban's! Seeing all of our aunts, uncles, and cousins is fun simply because the Kadzban's are notorious for being a fun bunch. We share beverages (often of the adult nature!), jokes, and get to catch up. Unlike my family, which is very small and spread out, this bunch is huge and just about everyone lives within 20 miles of each other. Mike's dad has 6 siblings and usually, every one of them (plus their spouses and kids) comes around on a pretty regular basis. Grandma & Grandpa's house isn't anything too big, but somehow it fits us all in there! I can't wait to see how this family expands over the next decade or so as more great-grandbabies are added into the mix. Liana needs some playmates, so hopefully some of our cousins (or siblings... ahem) get cracking on that. ;)

With the weather being pretty nasty yesterday, Liana and I didn't go anywhere. Playgroup was cancelled and thankfully so because later in the afternoon, my peanut started to get really fussy and snuggly. After Mike got home, we took her temperature - 101.6. Thankfully she went down last night without any issues and woke up feeling much better today!

As for the rest of this week, I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting for the weekend to arrive. My licensing test got canceled after I realized that I was scheduled to take the wrong one. (Can I please just say how much I hate the ASWB?) I'm not sure when I'll be able to reschedule for, but I should know within the next few days. I'm really disappointed that I couldn't take it this week because I was so ready to just get it over with. At least this way, I have all of my materials and I have a better idea as to what I need to study. I may wait until April to take the test simply because March is full of on-call dates for work and then Liana's SECOND(!!!!!) birthday. We shall see.

Speaking of Liana's birthday.... We're still not sure what we're going to do, but I think we might just do a small party for her birthday consisting of our immediate family and closest friends. I'm giving myself another week to decide and then going forward because I'd otherwise wax and wane about it for weeks. That's one of the things I hate most about myself... my inability to make a decision for the life of me.

I'm still not sure how my little peanut is turning 2 this year.... I've been reminiscing through our photos of her first year and I just cannot believe how much she's changed. She will be 23 months on Thursday and she's just talking up a storm. We're speaking in full sentences now and every day she adds numerous words to her vocabulary. We practice her enunciation as she sometimes gets that a little off (ex: instead of Liana, she says Nana. So we're working on the L in her name) and it's really helping. In addition, her fine & gross motor skills amaze me. I truly believe this kid is born to be an athlete... which her daddy is quite proud of!

It still amazes me how much this little girl has changed our lives. How blessed we are to have her.

One other thing I had wanted to talk about since my last post was my emotional reaction to Baby Charley. A few people have asked how it felt to see and hold her, so I figured it might just be nice if I filled everyone in. Plus, I haven't talked about the miscarriage much lately, so this should help you understand where I'm at today.

After losing our baby, I was able to separate my pregnancy from Kate's pregnancy relatively easily. Obviously, the fact that she was much farther along (16 weeks) helped. By far, the pregnancies I've had the most difficult time with are the ones in which the mama's due date was close to my May one.

December was a rough month for me, emotionally, which I've already said in past posts. January though was a month of moving forward. I was heavily focused on Kate's pregnancy, which allowed me to momentarily forget about the pregnancy I had lost.

When we arrived at Kate & Marty's house to first meet Charley, I was a bit taken aback for a couple of different reasons. First, I had forgotten how small and fragile newborns are! For the first hour or two, I was scared to touch Charley. Second, I had a momentary thought of, "Can I handle this? What emotions will this bring on?" But once I finally scooped that little girl up.... things felt right. She made my desire to have another all the stronger.

The hardest part of being with Charley was seeing Liana love on her.... but obviously not for the reasons you would expect.

I had been so scared that Liana wasn't ready to share her attention with a baby brother/sister. I had felt like it was selfish of me to want another when the child I have is so good and perfect. I just wasn't sure the timing was right, but I had already taken that leap of faith and hoped for the best because I had always wanted my kids to be 2 years apart. Finally, I knew that if Liana wasn't happy about sharing her attention with a baby, it'd make my job as a mommy more difficult.

But after seeing Liana with Charley, ALL of those fears were relieved. I quickly realized that she would've been ready and she would've been a GREAT big sister. The sadness then came when I realized that this would've happened in just 12 short weeks. That she would've had a Baby Charley of her own in a much shorter amount of time and that all of my fears were for nothing.

That being said, I was still more sad for her than for myself. I just want my peanut to have a "somebody". I know a newborn doesn't constitute an immediate playmate... but that baby would've meant that Liana had a playmate of her own in another year versus another 2. Maybe this is just me being overly sensitive, but I feel her loneliness... even though I don't think she feels it herself. Mom and Dad are her best friends because she doesn't have any siblings, cousins, and she only has a few local friends.

I still think about how far along I would've been (28 weeks). I can't believe that our miscarriage was already 17 weeks ago. I still miss our baby. I still get angry and frustrated over the fact that this happened to us, and I still go into a funk each time someone announces their pregnancy. But I do feel ready to move forward. I do feel like my heart is mending and the feelings of anger are fewer and farther between. I do hope that we are blessed with another pregnancy someday soon. I do pray that the outcome of the next one will be very, very different and that someday, we'll look at our second child and know why we were forced to endure such a loss. Such pain.

Baby Charley gave me something precious during our visit.... comfort. Yes, there were twinges of jealousy, but more than anything, she helped me realize just how ready we all are for another blessing in our lives.