Life ain't always easy.

Sorry for my absence lately... things have been busy around the Kadzban household and it feels like this mama hasn't had a moment to herself in three weeks!!

But, here I am, alone in this house. My parents have Liana for a couple of hours and Mike's at practice, so rather than run the errands I should be running, I'm updating on life.

Which has been up and down lately.

For a while, things were getting: Complicated. Frustrating. Sad. Lonely. Overall, I wasn't very happy which was taking a toll on my marriage.

It's hard being on a different schedule than Mike. I feel like I've beat this topic to death already, but I miss days with my husband. I miss days as a family, where we can co-parent our daughter together rather than feel like we're two single-parents who share the same daughter and the same roof. On a typical day, Mike leaves for work around 7:30 am, works til 5:00, and then coaches. He usually walks in the door at 7pm which gives him just enough time to put Liana to bed... we're lucky if he has a solid hour to spend with her as she typically goes down betwen 7 and 8. Once she's in bed, we have dinner together and while I'd love to say we also spend the rest of the evening together also, this isn't often the case.

My idea of relaxing includes grabbing a blanket and a bowl of ice cream and watching my favorite tv shows or a movie at night.

Mike's idea of relaxing includes going into the basement to work out. He hates sitting around.
See how that doesn't work?

So if I was lucky, I'd get an hour with Mike each night. That's not really enough to sustain a happy marriage. We both began feeling distanced from each other, which then leads to us distancing ourselves more - a vicious cycle in every sense of the meaning. And then, the day would end, we'd go to bed, and the next day was just another of the same.

Frustrations brew. Loneliness became present.

The weekends are worthless. I'm gone all day for work while Mike gets his quality time in with Liana. And lately (though he agreed not to before the hockey season started) he's been going to the EGR games. So we didn't even have the weekend nights together.

All of this summed up equalled one very unhappy Haley.

And if you know me, you know one thing about me; I don't keep quiet when I'm unhappy. My emotions, from one end of the spectrum to the other, are there for everyone around me to see and hear (hence this blog!). I'm an open book and I'll tell you anything you want to know... and in Mike's case, even the things you don't want to know.

So, for the past few weeks, we've had a hard time. I've felt distanced and alone. Finally, I told him all too honestly how I felt about him, about our marriage, and about how I was feeling.
He listened. He soaked it in.

We moved on. I hoped things were finally going to change.

Then last week, I went to the east side of the state to spend a few days with Kate, Marty, and Lily.

And as Kate's always done for me, she opened my eyes. She helped me realize exactly what I needed to realize at just the right time.

The thing I love most about Kate is that at this point in my life, she understands me best. She gets me. She gets what it's like to be a mom. To experience the joys but also the trials of parenthood. And marriage. And how one can completely affect the other... both positively and negatively. I can be brutally honest with her, share some of my deepest fears and emotions, and she gets it.

We had one of the best conversations I've ever had with anyone during my visit. And I learned so much through that conversation.

I learned that my life isn't going to be the fairy tale I always thought (and hoped) it would be. That even three days each year of that "fairy tale love" make it all worth it. That while my husband may not always be the most considerate or romantic, that there's something to be said for knowing that he loves me. And knowing he's trying to love me, even when I don't make it easy for him. And knowing that I'm trying to love him even when he's not making it easy for me.

I learned that parenthood changes a marriage in so many ways you can't imagine prior to your child being born. I'm glad to know we're not alone in that boat because for a while, it felt pretty lonely.

I learned that while it's easy for me to focus on all the ways Mike has changed since Liana came along or since we got married, I had never once even given a moment of thought to all the ways I've changed. When we were dating, it was easy to daydream about the man I thought he'd be once we were married. I thought he'd be the perfect husband, the perfect father. But no one is perfect. God knows I'm not. I'm sure I'm not the wife he always dreamed about either.... for pete's sake, he's lucky if he comes home to dinner each night or a semi-clean house!

I know how much I've changed since becoming a mother. My priorities have shifted....something that I'm sure is essential for this job title and essential for my heart.

So while I've been keenly aware of how much my husband has changed over the past year or so, I haven't been so aware as to how much I had changed also. And how that, too, has effected our marriage.

Thank you Kate, for opening my eyes. And helping to make my marriage better... and happier.

I came home from that trip loving my husband differently.

I came home thankful for a new perspective.

I came home thankful for my friend.

I came home feeling like I'm happy with my life being perfectly imperfect.

And then, this week I came across this quote that seemed all too perfect:

And no relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater. But, the love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And thats the key. It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot. – Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby

I'm glad that love can make up for a lot. Because if there's one thing I know for sure about Mike in life, it's this:

I love him.

I'll update with pictures later!